Stuck For Now

I am filled with a deep debt of appreciation, love and happiness that Mawita'mk Society is up since 2007. That is a 14 years of service and love. They truly have a passion for helping out other people. I know that I have a profound love for the cultural, historical and religious aspects of Mawita'mk Society. I know that I could relish in the fact that this place is returning to its traditional roots. I want to learn specialty diets and traditional cooking. And commercial kitchen cooking. Mawita'mk Work Center building could teach such things.

I want to get used of daily regular work where I stay busy morning until 4 pm with plumbing profession. I want to get a good service to We'koqma'q community because I want to build a good, reasonable income of my profession. And thrive in this community where I have enough money to get my full driver's license, truck and credentials.

I want to get my own truck and have my life in service to We'koqma'q community where I do plumbing and cleaning. But start off with cooking. I want to be able build an investment portfolio with Simple Wealth. And invest into my own land and apartment complexes. I want to save up until I can invest into my own lands in We'koqma'q community. And have my own apartment buildings with laundromats. And once I have done that, I want to invest into more lands and a restaurant. That would be an fantasy idea of investments.

But my real investment would be a truck. Hopefully, I can get a reasonable income of $33.53 or depending on my profession. I hope that I could do commercial and residential plumbing. I hope that I could get my Red Seal diplomas in Cooking and plumbing. Hopefully, I can get my cooking papers first. And then plumbing and cleaning.

But that is a future that will have to wait. For now I'm enjoying the idea that today is work. I have Mawita'mk Work Center to go to with Ann Marie Powers. And work with her cooking. I want to learn much as I can through her. And have my knowledge dipped into cooking, recipes and food preparations. I hope that I could get used of cooking for my own sake. It's a life skill, survival skill and a trade skill.

I know that I got a good home but I want to live on my own to see if I could thrive on my own. I know that I don't want any safety nets or anything. Feeling that I could learn much as I can outside of my hometown. I know that I've learned a lot with Mawita’mk Society and NSCC Community College. I have learned a lot of good skills to do. I know the proper way of plumbing, I think. I know that I have to get a refresher course on my skills in plumbing. Mawita'mk Society is paternalistic.

Mawita'mk Society I'd paternalistic and downright degrading. It seem that they cannot take my word for what I say. Or believe in my ability to take good care of myself. I know that there is a sense of timing that they are self-deluded with. And I know that they are treating me like a child. I hate this place because of such potentials like that. I know that I don't want to be living at a place that keeps monitoring me. And telling me what they think they should do. Their thoughts or feelings are more concrete than my actions. 

That's not right. Connie shouldn't be giving me options like I'm some kind of child. I am 36 years old and I could take care of myself but it seems that there are certain psychological reasons they want to imprint on me. They want me to accept them as an authority figure when they are supposed to be supporting me in my goals of my life.

They ain't doing that.

Instead of helping me reach my goals, they are patronizing me in my life. Mawita'mk Society has such authority to be paternalistically patronizing. Well looking closely at me when I brush my teeth, seems to me paternalistically patronizing. There should be no discrimination in this workplace because its supposed to be a home. No circular logic should dictate anyone's sense of independence. I know that I've enjoyed their outings, their Work Program and their centers. 

I know that I've enjoyed many outings but I had one work experience with We'koqma'q One Stop. I haven't gotten my BA degree and full driver's license. Yes, I need a second kidney but I don't want to stop with certain things. Feeling like I'm trapped here and have to deal with Mawita'mk Society.

I know that they say things for show. But I don't want to move out right now, I want to improve the relationship dynamics.

I know that I had a lot to work at and have certain kinds of resolutions and policies passed because I've said certain things on my blog and Facebook. I know that I had an attack of complaints by Vickie because I had talked about her. I know that I never had any connections, respect or choices with Mawita'mk Society. I know that I cannot say comfortable what I want to say because of threats non-verbally. 

Well threat of watching me like a child. I know that I'm 36 years old but Connie would find any excuse to explain her situation in a derogatory way. Making me feel guilty and remorseful about my inactivities in the morning. I know that I'm used of her strictness as adult-to-adult but this kind of threat is paternalistic.

I know that I'd lived here for eleven long happy years without my full driver's license and BA degree. And it looks like I'm going to continue to get that kind of limbo.

That limbo of stagnancy, dependency and reliance on Mawita'mk Society. Don't get it wrong, I'm not giving up on my goals to drive out of here. But I know that I had a lot of reasonableness to my coping skills. And I'm starting to think that Mawita'mk Society or Connie is going way too far. If they cannot take my word for washing myself and brushing my teeth, I hope that in the future that they are more careful in their treatments.

I know that this is mistreatments in ways of insulting me with powers. I know that they won't agree with certain things but I'm no child. Probably a criminal that would beat but I haven't. I was a victim of circumstances. And I know that I'm not well liked. If I'm liked, it's for how weak I am. That's Connie's respect for me. To not give two damn about how I feel about the differences in powers and privacy. I was always power-deprived and I know that I need a break from that.

But powers, responsibilities and skills is what Mawita'mk Society seems don't want for me. Then again Connie is reasonable and learning how she works is how I need to be accepting. I know that I've accepted in ways. I could make a case like that but I know that I've lived here for eleven long happy years. Enjoyed their outings and work program. And got support in ALP education, trade and getting my Unama'ki Driving Certificate. I got an expired Beginner's license. I've been through worst hell than this. I should be more appreciative of what I got. I should take my personal inventory and appreciate what I got.

I know that I don't want them to treat me as a child. Because I'm 36 years old and still have a good sense of independence. But apparently they don't want that. I know that I had to take care of personal business. Feeling that I got a good boss, Ann Marie Powers.

Yeah, I appreciate Mawita'mk Society because they made me General Clerk, Bookclub moderator, Cook and Inventory Clerk. I know that I am volunteering for Mawita'mk Society. And in that I want to say please don't treat me as a child. I want to be respected as a adult, not something to control. I know that I have been living at a Mi'kmaq cultural group home that has a Work Program and a Activity Center down at the Highway. Today was filled with work and a good music, good food and good medicine. And I know that I had a lot of fun.

But I have some homework to do. Just the Introduction and first Chapter. I know that I had a lot of help over the years but I know that Tracy Russell was somebody that would've helped out. I know that I needed help in securing my own rides to school. Feeling that I got no choices because I'm younger, I feel kind of backed into a corner.

I was watching the Simpson and it was about Eco-anxiety. I know that I had some anxiety in my life. But I feel that I don't get any respect for my adulthood because I am diagnosed. I know that they don't take my word for taking care of myself. Because I am alone in this place, I don't get any respect for my independence or adulthood. 

I know that I don't want to put up with certain people at Mawita'mk Society because they are giving attitude. And I want to be economically, financially and personally independent and thriving. I want to live my life out of here and drive on our of here where I have my own truck, my full driver's license, my second kidney and BA degree, NSCC Cooking Certificate, Red Seal papers and NSCC Plumbing Certificate and Red Seal diploma.

I know that is what I want to do. Not be stuck with pettily-ass, giving attitude kind of people. I know that is Connie and Evelyn. I know that Connie wants me to say that I have two drinks of the day. She doesn't know that my teatime drink gets dialysed and it doesn't count. I know that Connie loves to be strict on me because she doesn't want me to enjoy my life. 

My life have been through a lot during my Eskasoni days. I know that I got to focus on forgiving them and accepting the facts that I've been beaten. I know that I never had any powers to defend myself. 

Feeling that I'm stuck here for now. Knowing that I have to impress on Connie and the other workers that I want to do this independent thing. I know that I have a lot of opportunities in getting my own truck in the future. But right now I have to wait until I can get my second kidney. I have to stay healthy and fit enough to be operated on. I know that I have to get used of fitness again. I know that I have to learn much as I can with fitness and outdoor activities. 

I know that I have to be stuck for now. Feeling that I don't have any independence, I feel Juhnny and doubt that I could get my full driver's license and BA degree. I know that it is a long wait and I have to enjoy my time here. Feeling that I have enjoyed the comforts, enjoyments and freedom of living at Mawita'mk Society. I am free from abuse and the cycle. I know that I could escape this terrible situation where I repeat myself.

I know that I have enemies and in that I have to be aware and look after my health. I know that I have dysfunctional friends and family but that don't mean I have to give up. I know that Vickie wants me to give up and simply accept what has happened to me. I know that I have to work at forgiving and accepting what have happened to me because it's the way I was taught. I know that I have compassion for those poor souls that have beaten me. I know that they are suffering. 

But the circular logic of vengeance isn't what I want. I have healed from my pains and I want to thrive and succeed. I want to be richly thriving, flourishing and succeeding. I want to have a lot of accomplishments in my time with We'koqma'q community. I want to forgive and accept, keep on moving on and grow, thrive, and flourish. I hope that I could get used of hard work on a daily regular basis and have my life paid. I want to pay my dues and keep on thriving. So, I hope that I could get my second kidney and get my full driver's license. 

That way I could get my BA degree and NSCC Plumbing Certificate. I want to graduate from a few programs. Throughout the years that I'm here I want to be well read and well educated, well informed and well experienced in driving. I want to have that kind of skill in my life where I am driving places. I want to be well taught and well accustomed to driving. 

I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for eleven long happy years. Not a day goes by that I'm thankful for being here. I know that I got to be patient with getting my second kidney. It's going to be a long wait because the list is long. And I have to get used of being on dialysis until I can get my second kidney. 

Throughout the years that I have been living here, I know that I have read to an extent of my books and eBooks. That I know a few things during my time here. And I know that I want to continue enjoying my books, encyclopedias, PDFs, eBooks, magazines, comic books, dictionaries and audiobooks. I know that I have listened to an extent of my audiobooks.