Elevating

I'm elevating to newer, higher levels of health but not fitness. I want a holistic elevation to higher levels of employment, education, happiness, health, fitness and physical muscles. I want to be muscular, lean and flexible. I want agility and coordination, precision and strength. I feel that the more I stay here the more I get stuff done here. And I'm elevating to higher terms of successes, accomplishments, career, driving experience, goals and other stuff. I hope that I could get a good elevating to a physical muscular fitness where I have muscles and lean body from exercises.

I could always draw strength from home streets. I know that I have been gone for twelve years and the more I stay in We'koqma'q community, the more I stay engaged. I feel that I'm in this organization as a member, client and resident at Mawita'mk Society.

I know that I have a lot of support here. But that's the thing, I got lazy and dependent on Mawita'mk Society. I don't want to be lazy but living in routines in Eskasoni, thriving in success and work that I have a good incomes: pop bottles and plumbing or pipe trade, BA and driving(Delivery). I know that I want to have an economic moderate success in Eskasoni that I have accomplished my driving, my education and trade school. And I know that I could live anywhere in Nova Scotia that I could live anywhere I want on my own.

They say that Eskasonians need to move out of Eskasoni in order to get their education. I've done most of my original goals except get my BA degree, NSCC Plumbing Certificate and Pipe Trade diploma. And get my Red Seal papers in those. I know that I want to be a pipe specialist in Eskasoni where I could work in Halifax or Sydney, Nova Scotia.

I know that I want to live my life with being a Pipe Specialist. I know that I have a good life in We'koqma'q community but I miss living in Eskasoni on my own. I wish I had my second transplant kidney because as soon as I recover from surgery, I'm heading back home. I hope there is a rich opportunity of employment with my level of education. I know that I have become lazy and dependent on Mawita'mk Society and I know that I don't want to be trapped by anyone. I know that I want to have everything I need to live independently and be in financial independence.

I know that I could live anywhere I want but I think that there has to be support where I live. I'm talking about without support. I want to thrive on my own without any support or assistance. I hope that I could live like that one of these days. I know that Mawita'mk Society doesn't want to be the bad guy.

I know that I wanted to create moments how my stepfather has created moments. I know that I've been in a world where I couldn't necessarily have my darken emotional sanity back to the correct thinking. I know that I've been living here and learning the group home reality. That means I'm a member, client and resident at Mawita'mk Society. And in that I don't have any choices it seems. I know that I hadn't any choices in the first place. Right from the get-go I was surrounded by other people's experiences and choices. Right from the get-go I wasn't allowed to choose what I want to do. I know that I wasn't able to have my life in enjoyments in Eskasoni.

I knew that I was learning the underbelly of Eskasoni. Being that of rotten food and no good comforts or love. I know that I was raised with love but nobody taught me how to handle my own lifelong routines. I never had any sex for twelve years.

Yeah I was taught to make my bed, wash my bedding and do my chores. But the financial literacy I needed and the online banking I could've used back in the day was crucial. I was deprived of that and I didn't have any enjoyments in my old apartments. I couldn't get laid in anyone of them without a smartphone. I could've used a smartphone in school but I was deprived of that. I couldn't have my own smartphone because I did not know anything. I did not know life skills and routines psychology. I did not have any powers to live my life how I see fit.

The bromance, the holy night of Christmas, the latest technology and electronics. I was swimming in 90s technology and living with everything I needed to make good friends. But Curly forbade that and didn't want me to make friends. I know that I couldn't really enjoy my Playstation consoles because I wasn't allowed to collect them.

Nobody wanted to ask me because they didn't want me to have that kind of control over my Playstation consoles. I couldn't really get my Original Playstation console and Playstation 2 console. I wasn't allowed to have too much stuff when I did move. I was collecting CDs and video games. I wasn't allowed a Smartphone or IPhone. I was limited in ways of not getting my full driver's license, Smartphone, Playstation 2 and other games I could've enjoyed back in the day. I took good care of my things but everyone wanted to use my things. Breaking it and destroying it. I couldn't have anything nice in Eskasoni, back in the 90s.

Old hurts that I used to live through. I know that I don't want to go through old dirt. Mt mind is telling me to say "fuck this" but my heart will say that when I get vengeance and I drive in the sunset. I know that I wasn't allowed to do much at all.

I had to be the bad guy. I know that I was drinking and smoking up. The more I went through this, the more I was falling in the cycle of addictions. I know that I didn't have any acknowledgement of my child addiction. I couldn't represent the nightmares of stroke of pen. I know that I want to be that skilled in poetry. And have my vocal skills worked and exercised. I was symbolic in having that integrity and sneaky ways of delivering the weed. Now it's legal and I have to recaptured that lightning in the bottle and write intensively, in sessions of writing.

I was the criminal who went to the dark side of life and seen shit that was disturbing online. My life, my trade, my driving experience. I know that my stepfather was two face and didn't want me to succeed. My stepfather ruined any opportunities I had with driving that he enjoyed my opportunities. I know that I was left out.

Because I was a Transplant kidney patient I couldn't really enjoy my independence because of addicts, fiends and bullies. That's all I ever met and I know that I want to get that oh satisfying vengeance. It seems that I cannot even do what I want now. The drinking and smoking up, smoking cigarettes and enjoying it all by myself. I was never invited to a party. I know that if I went, I would've been choosing between beatdown or sucking dick. That's how bad Eskasoni is. I cannot enjoy my parties and I cannot even enjoy my birthdays by myself.

In Eskasoni I couldn't really enjoy my apartment because so many took advantage of me. They are all bigger than me. Now? I don't want to move back because that's all that's left for me. Big people that are willing to take advantage of me by staying at my apartment. I couldn't enjoy my home in my hometown.

They tool my blankets and food. I'm the bad guy who is always broke and a bad ass. I always have to be hustling and picking pop bottles. But in this Covid-19 filled pandemic. I feel like I'm stuck at Mawita'mk Society because I cannot go for a walk or enjoy my time here. I'm sick and tired of living like this but I have to keep going. Something of profession I want is too difficult for me. Everyone is saying that I'm too dumb and cannot progress in this life. That's what I get from family and Mawita'mk Society. I cannot do anything but I have been through NSCC Adult Learning Program and NSCC Construction Trades Labor program.

I've been through programs that didn't want me to learn. I feel that the students wanted me to be held back. I know that I was intellectually oppressed, memories repressed and my language suppressed. I know that is why I don't like going school with them.

I know that I don't get respect or love because I got enemies in my hometown. I know that I don't have any friendlies or anything. I feel that I'm in the inferno chanting that I've suffered, been held back, been beaten, battered and bruised. And I was learning that they hate me. I know that they do because they don't want to heal. They are hanging on to vengeance as badly as they can. I know that I'm accused but I have no powers over my own mind. Such prejudice is always trying to hide their flaws. I don't have any real strong motives to get my own physical muscular fitness. And train for my sisters.

When I'd moved out I elevated, I'd accomplished and I want to continue to accomplish goals. But I'm on dialysis and they are driving me crazy. I feel that I had no successes or I'm not thriving independently. I know that I want to move into Sydney.

I know that I'm on dialysis and in that I have to do my part at Mawita'mk Society. Even that is a struggle. I'm not motivated as highly I want to be to do hygiene, chores and errands. I hope that I could do as much as I did in Eskasoni but with a more healthy perspective, holistic elevation and a better physical muscular fitness. I want to enjoy walks with a good brisk pace. But I think that my new year resolution is to better myself in a holistic elevation of higher, newer and better physical muscular fitness, daily routines and evening routines, studies of routines, habits and physical endurance. And a better lifestyle altogether. 

I know that I cannot get my University education and my full driver's license. But at least I could work out and vibe to rock n' roll. And listen to my stepfather when he says to exercise. Hopefully, I can go for walks and go place without permission. My grandmother Barbara don't let me go places and I wouldn't want to live with her. She is very restrictive and controlling. She acts prejudice against me so badly that I don't want her around. 

I know that she could move elsewhere with Gordon and live off reserve. But she wouldn't want to because she doesn't have the guts to do it. I know that she doesn't know how and she compared Gordon better to my intelligence. Like I have some kind of Down Syndrome. My step grandmother Barbara who is white by nature is comparing me to that kleptomaniac, abusive and thief Down Syndrome step uncle of mine to my intelligence, my independence and my life? 

Even my sister Billie Jean was saying that I'm slow like him. And in that I needed to work on my routines like I don't know life skills. I don't need lessons, I need a break because I don't have the energy to keep up with Mawita'mk Standards. They expect me at it every day. They are truly prejudice against me when it comes to my independence and freedom.

But I have Mawita'mk support workers to talk to, to laugh with and to help me point out that I have health problems. That's why I cannot pursue a full career in Trades or get my BA degree or full driver's license in the alloted time. I know that my real father is from the old school of abusiveness and prejudice. But I don't want to let that distract me from my fitness goals. 

The difference between me and Gordon is that I have health problems. That's why I cannot get my own apartment, truck or credentials. Yes, I'm medicated but I have been seeing prescriptions and doctors for that. I hadn't any problems since I'd moved out of Eskasoni. I wasn't threaten or leverage or even schemed off of. Hopefully, I can get my trade and specialize in Pipe Trade diploma program. I know that I'm looked down on and I'm discriminated against. 

If Gordon has perfect health than he should go to school. College or University. I know that he wouldn't make it out of there. I know that I could but I'm heavily criticized by family and my stepfather's family. I cannot catch a break. 

I want to be a BA graduate that is a NSCC Pipe Specialist with three Red Seal papers in Plumbing, Steamfitting/Pipefitting and Sprinkler Systems technician. I want to have the good life and live as a pipe specialist and a BA graduate. I want to have two graduations from NSCC Community College: NSCC Plumbing Certificate and NSCC Pipe Trade diploma programs. And one University graduation with a BA in triple majors in Psychology, Political Science and Mi'kmaq Studies. I want to test my knowledge in that. I have a few years doing recreational studies in my books.