Outgrown My Fathers, Thriving on My Own Eventually

In a way and sense, I have outgrown my fathers who has hopes for my thriving independence and freedom throughout my adulthood. I know that I have a good understanding of life skills, coping skills and Band Office politicking. Well they have life experience to their name. I know that I have felt cabin fever and depression before. But now I'm committing to a fitness regimen and routine every day. I want to gain enough muscles and lean body that I can exercise daily. From the time I wake up to 4 o'clock. I know that I'd exercised again.

I did 20 curling repetitions with the dumbbells, 20 repetitions with the curling bar and 2:22 minutes on the bike today. I know that I have to push myself, I have to be tough which means persevere through the laziness and demons of my past with determination, sense of dedication and motivation. I could feel the muscles tightening.

I could feel the need to be outside and playing, exercising and experimenting. I enjoy my independence and freedom as an adult. I love the fact that I'm able to move out on my own. There is nobody stopping me from moving back home if I want to. But I have too much stuff at Mawita'mk Society. If I need a job I just got to go We'koqma'q Tim Hortons. But I know that I need to be independent and thriving in Eskasoni if I am to live there. And I know that I wouldn't because of druggies, addicts, fiends and bullies. I want to go back home with a muscular physical fitness, routines studied, habits too.

A full driver's license, a second transplant kidney. A good couple years in school while I'm here. And having my own place in We'koqma'q community where I pay rent. A job and a good couple of Red Seal papers. 

And a BA degree to boot. I want to have two credentials from NSCC Community College.
And have a truck and investment portfolio as well online and physical professional portfolio. I want to have life experience with Halifax and driving to Syndey. I want to return home with all that, including knowledge of my literature and YouTube Instructional videos. And a good amount of money to pay for First Month's rent and Last Month's rent. And a security deposit. I want to test my general knowledge with all this institutions that I have in Nova Scotia.

I know that I want to have a rich life in Eskasoni. I want to build a good life in 74th street smart and good. I want to be able to pay for a good neighborhood watch. I hope that I could get that old apartment and build a good life there. I believe that my dad will leave me alone. I know that he hasn't any lady friends in his life. So, I have to be more careful with how I do my loving. If the gay raper shows, I would pulverized him.

I know that I just got to build myself up and earn my muscles. I have every reason to do so. I know that I need to live, work and drive in We'koqma'q community. If I was to live at that single apartment I would have a good building of shed like garage where I could pave or put wooden flooring at the bottom. I wouldn't mind my dads coming around but I want to have my own privacy where I have lady friends over. I know that if I had all my credentials, knowledge, information, fitness, education, driving experience, full driver's license and BA degree. If I had my truck there I could have a good standing with Eskasoni.

I want to have a muscular physical fitness body where I'm super healthy, happy and full of contentment, vibrancy and zest and vitality. I want to be health-conscious, community-minded, career-minded, family-raised and Mawita'mk-trained, NSCC-trained and CBU educated person in We'koqma'q.

I know that Eskasoni would have rapist if I did get a woman. And they would beat me in a swarming. I know that I don't have any respect or human rights there. If I did I would be left alone all the time when I lived there. I know that they don't respect me in my hometown apartment. I have no respect for my home. I have no respect from my dysfunctional friends. I know that I don't want to deal with anyone at my place. Just my lady friends. But I don't even have that.

I'm a 36 years old man who hadn't had sex in twelve years. Living without a woman, I know that I want to have everything I need to live in Eskasoni. To live fully, to thrive richly, to work dedicatedly and to have my sheds in my old apartment where I used to live. I know that I could build a wooden garage at that place. And I know that I could afford it. I just know that Rosie don't want me back. I have struggled there without her help.

I know that here I have space for my things. And I am well fed, well clean and have a access to washer and dryer here. I know that I want to live back in Eskasoni but I could tell that I would have problems, troublesome people bothering me and a new generation of troublemakers. I know that I attract bullies, fiends and addicts while I am alone. There is vengeance needed and there is the intergenerational cycle of issues, abuses and vengeance. I know that I have outgrown my fathers but I feel that I don't get peace or anything in my life.

I know that I don't want to be in that cycle. My real father reminds me of that intergenerational cycle. He doesn't want me to thrive or succeed. My limited ability to control my own psyche, is because of this cycle. I don't get any justice because I'm way too far in this intergenerational cycle. I don't want to be either.

I'm fragile, vulnerable and weak. I don't have any physical fitness in muscular conditioning. I want to have that daily conditioning where I have a physical muscular fitness in my body. And that I'm healthy like I could get my second transplant kidney. Yeah I did exercised but I don't have any self-empowerments like powers to get myself out of reality of having that kind of fragile control over my own mind. I know that I cannot fully express myself in how my real father reminds me of traumas. And how his association with it is tied into many traumas I have.

I know that he has hit me in the past. And in that I was young teen who didn't want to move. I wanted to be the perfect or at least the ideal kind of Dutiful Son to my step parents. They have created a therapeutic heartfelt heaven for my home. And in that I was learning how happy I was. My real father would make me into Lieutenant Worf.

I know that I could've been a warrior with his punching bag, speed bag and earning my own weights. I could've had a good life with my stepfather if I had schooling, driver's license and a job there. I know that I cannot enjoy my dad's commands because he is bossy but generous to me. He tries to learn my influences. I know that I have Socrates and Confucius as my main influences. I know that I have a good life at Mawita'mk Society. I feel enrichen because of them, I am enriched in ways of having knowledge, education, happiness, online richness, physical things and electronical stuff.

I know that I don't have a second transplant kidney. But I feel that I could learn a lot in the 7 years I would be working with NSCC School of Trades and Technology. I know that NSCC Community College has identified my strengths in plumbing, electrical and writing. I am well taught the technology available.

I know that I'm happy to go back to NSCC Community College because they have a network of 14 campuses. And they could have Adult Learning Programs on the We'koqma'q community and Eskasoni. I know that they could have their ALP program on all the five First Nation communities. Indigenous economic successes stories always starts with getting their education first. I know that is what I did and got my trade, my credentials and Unama'ki Driving Certificate and expired Beginner's license.

I know that I want to live in Eskasoni back in my old apartment. I want to return home with all my credentials, licenses and truck. So that way I could move my stuff myself. I know that I would have a good income if I had ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute Custodial Technician Training Certificate, NSCC Plumbing Certificate, Red Seal papers in that and NSCC Pipe Trade diploma.

I would have my credentials hanging on my Ni'kinen house bedroom walls. And have my dues paid because I would go for Retail Council of Canada credentials too, where I would study everything on that site. I hope that I could get all those credentials for the jobs I would want to spend couple years with. Like retail in We'koqma'q Tim Hortons. I want to be able to pass certain things.

Okay my first goal is to get my full driver's license and job. So that way I could pay for courses in Retail Council of Canada. I know that I could get all those credentials and start my professional career in retail business. I know that they have Retail Education Training programs for Sales Associates and Certification programs for Certified Sales Associates and Certified First Level Manager programs. Two credentials I could get and a whole lot of knowledge with selling, customer service and leadership skills in retail industry.

I know that I could use my fringe benefits or EI benefits for educational purposes. I know that I could get Darlene to help out with all that once I do return to work for a year. The Retail Council of Canada courses are all online, so is that ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute Custodial Technician Training program. I know that I want to get these three credentials before I do get three credentials, two from NSCC Community College and one from Cape Breton University. I know that I want six more credentials hanging on my wall.

Darlene could helped me with my EI and CERB checks. She could navigate through EI for educational funds for a year.  I could get my full driver's license, Retail Council of Canada courses and ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute course. And have those 3 credentials hanging on my wall. Have my three other credentials later in my 40s.

I know that I want to save up for online courses like Retail Council of Canada courses and ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute courses. And save up for a truck. The first thing I want to do is get my full driver's license and job. That way I could invest in courses while I live at Mawita'mk Society. Those online courses I could learn from. 

Eventually I will be thriving on my own. And hopefully, I have all this knowledge on sales techniques and customer service as I want that for my trade. I want to learn what people want and have those kind of business skills. I want to have everything I need to live, work and drive in We'koqma'q community. I know that I'm not getting laid any time soon. So, I might as well enjoy my solitude.