Resilience and Hope

What of my hypersexuality? What of my detractions? I hope that I could face my haters who have been learning ways to confuse me in every way. To hurt me emotionally and use any excuses to harm me psychologically. They have such personal powers and influences over my psyche that they could show me anything. I know that I've been fighting for my personal powers because of such discriminations, stereotypes and prejudice. I know of no lover experience but hatred and malice in ways of having such powers over my life.

Wanting me in extreme fear is a damning position. To not want me to remember my pains and forget my lessons I've learned. These haters want me to be hurt in some fashion of their spiked tongues. To damn someone in eternal damnation is to not overcome the traumas. What of these cheaters who enjoy their paradise.

Behaviors that, to act dishonestly to gain an advantage over me is cheating. I know that I was cheated out of my youth. Unfairly and dishonestly don't acknowledge my struggles to gain an advantage. Hypersexuality and hypergamy is something they fuck for in their stance. They have a shaddy life and such shoddy deeds. To honor these people is to be in a depth of debt in corruption and evil. I always had to deal with some kind of cheating that is sneaky and stealth. I know that I don't want to be stuck with misery because of all my experiences. I know that I'm hated and have no friends because most of them are dysfunctional.

I know that cheaters' paradisiacal excitement is the beautiful and sexy. I know that I'm not cheating on anyone but I don't want any cheaters for female companionship. Maybe to talk to but not fuck. She is suffering the infection of past, hidden traumas.

A window of opportunity is all they need to plan out everything. But I know that I've been resilient and hopeful. I know that I could enjoy my readings and have a good selection of books. I know that I have been learning about trauma and cycles of addictions. I know that I'm resourcefully smart and have a good creativity, emotional intelligence, emotional literacy and other tools and life skills from my books I could learn from. I've invested in books over the years and as I'm learning from Doctors, I know that I enjoy these collections of books.

Its a great pastime and I have many pastimes like my Playstation 4 console, Playstation 2 gaming system and Xbox 360 gaming system. I am learning about bidding from Dr. John Gottman book The Relationship Cure. I know that I have heavy-duty regrets and I know that reading puts me in a good state of thinking. There are ways to get over it.

Nobody wanted me to succeed in my teen years because I was such a loser. I did not want to pursue a college if the favoritism kept on bothering me. I know that certain teachers wouldn't want me thinking right because I am a loser. I feel that I'd struggled and had a hard life of not going anywhere. I know that I did not have any smartphone then. And my stepfather wanted me to remember that I'm powerless to stop anything. Including getting the house and losing it to Eskasoni Band Office. Everyone made a big deal out of me having that house. They knew that I did not have a future in Eskasoni. I was a deindividuated, discriminated and disabled Indigenous nerd who had everything against him.

I couldn't get any woman if I wanted them. I know that I'm the utmost unlucky son of a bitch on this earth. I know that they wanted me to adjust to Eskasoni.

Where everyone walked over me. And I had my shares of beatdowns and thefts. I did not have any help right from the beginning. And I did not have any good rest in Eskasoni knowing that they don't want to give up. I was against a whole street that wanted me to fail, falter or have bad experiences. I couldn't claim anything because everyone took it away. I don't want to live with my birth father or stepfather. I want to live by myself, in Vancouver where I could enjoy myself. I have no sex appeal like some of my dysfunctional friends.

I know that I'm not really respected to have independence. I am criticize and judged by Mawita'mk Society for being lazy. I know that I never had any real respect because I am such a loser. Yes, I've accomplished many things in my life but I want to get out of here because sex is prohibited. I have a libido that isn't satisfied.

Cheating is just spreading their seeds everywhere. And I don't have any measures of control in my life to influence any outcomes. I know that I'm not looked at with sexual lust. I've missed out on the Cape Breton nightlife. I know that a woman wouldn't look at me and consider me handsome. I am still a bachelor and no woman wants me but a gay rapist. Even that isn't any good evidence. I know that my humiliation was done when I couldn't bring a woman into my bedroom. I am cheated out of most things in my life. And I never thanked my stepfather for cheating me out of most things in my life.

But I know that I don't have any energy to workout. Or room for that matter. I know that it took until I'm 36 years old to get some kind of assurance for my driving training. I know that I'm nothing if I don't try something. I know that I could work out but I cannot because there isn't any room.

I know that I'm happy where I'm at in a way. But I know that women never wanted me. That means with my bachelor life I could learn everything in a good relationship. What is healthy and what is not. There have to have a mutually beneficial power balance where everyone is included, respected and loved. I know that I want to work on my fitness as much as I can work on expanding my mind. Cruelest things I have ever encountered was a sexless life. With the beatdowns and thefts and home invasions. I have enjoyed reading, watching and playing.

I've been here for twelve years and I know that women don't want me. Which means that I could work on certain things in my life that would make my health, lifestyle and soul happy, good and strong. A good fitness, reading sessions and a good understanding of DBT Skills Training Manual. Which means I have to read all that and get on my books.

I want to read all my books in due time and enjoy the benefits of having such powers over my life. I hope that I could basically build a shed and have my own garage. I know that so far I am enjoying my three meals a day treatments. And my routine of medicine and appointments. And my daily routine of bathing, brushing my teeth and mouthwash. I know that I have a good life here because I enjoy that I have small victories every day. Those small accomplishments that comprises of daily routine and fitness. I know that I enjoy being clean, smelling nice and having a good appearance because of Mawita'mk Society. Resilience and hope is what got me through the worst of it. And keep soldiering on(Perseverance) is a good thing too. I know that sometimes I have stinking thinking and depressive symptoms but I know that I have a good life now. All that trauma and agony have passed. I just got to keep posting positive comments.

Toughness is only defined how patient you are to get to the results. And how well you could not think of it. A laser-like focus is what is necessary for today's presence. I am learning to accept, enjoy and use knowledge, to apply in my life, in my books, eBooks, magazines, comic books, encyclopedias, PDFs and dictionaries. And I get to listen to Audiobooks and music. A good feeling comes around when I do these kinds of pastimes. I know that I'm more happier in ways of having a good focused reading. And a good understanding of life through those reading materials and listenings.

I know a thing or two about confidence but confidence hasn't yielded results for me. So, I'll just go with the flow and enjoy my life without addictions or troubles. I know that I've went for weeks without having a decent meal in Eskasoni. Nobody wanted me to get my life together. And have three meals a day.

So, I'd moved and got my life together. Now I have a treatments and daily routine of having three meals a day, medicine and taking a bath. I know that I have a bunch of good reasons to stay here. They've helped out with everything. Getting my medicine through blister packs. And having everything regulated and controlled where I cannot get laid. I know that everyone has their ways and in that I know that I'm not that attractive. But I know that gives me time to get myself working on daily routines.

But I know that I'm not really liked because they want a smooth talker. I know that women are emotional beings because my sisters are women. And I don't have to have a higher opinion of women because they elicit men to come after me when I minded my own business. I know that I never had any chances to get women because I don't provide emotional sobriety and safety.

Food became my weakness and I should have enough confidence to turn it into a strength. I know that I want to use my cooking skills right, good and excellently. And have a good tasting of a good meals three times a day. I know that I want to enjoy my life with getting my Cooking experience in. And learn recipes and ingredients from my Spice It Up renal booklets. And have a grand old time making it. But I know that these women aren't liking me at all because it gets busy here. I have to do some chores around the house but it takes away from their job.

Plus I'm too fucking lazy right now to do anything. I know that I'm not well liked and I know that I'm only liked because I'm stuck here. I know that I want to thrive on my own and have my second transplant kidney. I'm kind of forced to live here but the more I say I like it here, the more they will keep me here. I know that I want to enjoy a homey place.

It takes a lot of self-hate, trauma and cycles of addictions to fuck up your own mind. I know that my older brother Stephen was a positive, powerful and influential person in my life so much that he knew he had to take the beatings away from me. I know that he was something of a resilient, hard working and strong-willed person who did not want to give up on good friendships, relationships and family. My brother always said stick with the family no matter what it is. Stick with the family and keep them together. He knew his values and he made sure I knew mine.

My older brother always corrected my thinking by listening to music. I know that I love that guy because he is my older brother, wise and intelligent. I know that I had a lot of good influences over the years and I know that I felt like a cool person. I know that these tunes were about being cool. I felt like a cool heavy metal Philosopher.

And I know that I'm loved and cherished. My brother would get me out of the slumps and I know that I was learning to be psycho-spiritually connected through music. My way and only my way. My older brother was always there to help out and keep me thinking right. Through Bad Boy music I was learning to be psycho-spiritually connected with my friends and lover brother. I knew that paranoia for cheating could be corrected.

I know that I had a bunch of good reasons to stay like that. I could emotionally perceive and think right. Something like emotional intelligence but it's emotional perception. I know that I am not aware right now but I feel that my uncle could correct the thinking. He is my emotional support and moral thinking. I know that I want to think normally and have a self-motivated and determination to work at balancing my urges out. I know that it's Covid-19 restrictions still.

My older brother would have a positive way of looking at it, always. He was always strong-minded and tough. He knew that he was learning life and when he had passed, it was a major loss. He kept me confident and thinking right. My older brother would draw up a good conversation and keep it going until I was thinking right. 

My older brother knew about self-defeating attitudes and so did my uncles and aunts. I, interchangeably use the term uncle for stepuncle because he has been there helping me out with dating, confidence, energy and vitality and enthusiasm. I know that is what it takes for me to be happy. The enthusiasm from having good food, good music, good company and a good time. I know that I have memorable experiences in Eskasoni where I had a good session of all that. Alongside with happy tunes and a good, warm meal, I know there was pastimes like TV, Netflix and movies. 

The passionate political conversations, the warmness and smell of good food. The companionship of family, the best leadership, authority talks, the social strategies talks, the technology available talks and the entranced watching of a focused TV channel. It take a change of attitude to make your day a pretty good day. We choose how we think and feel, we are a good example of having control over our situation through attitude. And having a sense of control can increase your overall health benefits into an extraordinary level. 

My family had a specialty in turning self-defeating attitudes into life-enhancing attitudes where we all want to do is feel confident, zeal, zest, happiness, enthusiasm, energy and vitality(feeling alive). My older brother actually said that if you waste life dwelling on the past then your future is sure to repeat. I could be making people so mad to cheat with each other and ruin what relationship they have. 

That is how bad Eskasoni has impacted me in ways. I don't want to move back because there is abusers, cheaters, schemers and rip-off artists. They know how to get you into trouble without having any consequences to their name. I know that I have been learning to cope with certain things in my life.

I had a hotdog dog and my older brother Stephen, had a some kind of husky. They had puppies and my stepfather cheated on my biological mother at the time. So, I found out was when he killed our dogs because my hotdog dog bit my baby sister at the time, who was one years becauae she squeezed the puppy.

Of course we were upset but we didn't let that stopped us from living our lives. I know that when I asked my stepfather why he killed them, he said because he can. I know that I had to learn forgiveness and healing. I've suffered grief and I had to deal with a loss with my older brother. We were close and had our own little ways of communicating. 

I know that I'm not charming, attractive or strong. I know that I'm the genetic freak that has inherent all the weakness of Brittle Bone Disease. Thoracic Jeune of Dystrophy is my rarest condition. It's a type of thyroid dwarfism that I had to deal with. 

I know that I am no skilled conversationalist nor am I a smooth talker. I know that I've missed our on opportunities because I never had a smartphone. But my older brother would have a positive encouragement, he would inspire me to change my self-defeating attitudes into life-enhancing attitudes. And enjoy the Good John.