Don't Deserve Love

I know that there are bad ass that get more than me. And there are hard workers who know better. The bullies say that I don't deserve love but everyone wanted me to depend on them. I know that I'm still independent ambitiously and motivatedly. I have confidence in all that and I know that I want to be very skilled, practiced, disciplined and experienced in driving, plumbing, cleaning and cooking. Hopefully, I can be this type of Mawita'mk Builder who has experiences in building most things. I know that I want to earn, prove and do things on my own.

We are building a unified love community and I hope that I could be part of it. In Eskasoni I've faced classism and a hierarchy there. I know that I did not have any chances there. There is a class war there that keeps the poor poorer, the rich richer and a favoritism and nepotism system there that makes it difficult.
I know because I was raised in Eskasoni. 

Eskasoni is my hometown, and my Grammy's hometown, Jessie Denny. I know that I'm from Eskasoni but I know there is a hierarchy there. I know there is class wars and sexism based on misandry. This place is so divided that they wouldn't let anyone succeed. I was malnourished until I couldn't really have any respect enough to have a decent meal. I know that I am at a better place with Mawita'mk Society. I just had one barrier, transportation barriers. And I know that I could've gotten more stuff with driving. I know that I need to be patient. I still want my full driver's license but I need to focus on my fitness.

I couldn't live my life there because of hypergamy, classism, elitism, favoritism, nepotism, intercultural racism through colourism and sexism based on misandry, guilt through ageism.

Eskasoni is my hometown and I wanted to get my Doctorate at the age of 25. But Eskasoni with its hypersexuality and ruling class wars and battles of sex and everything, I felt trapped in a community that had no hope for a unified love utopian community. I know that I couldn't really have any respect to live my life on a progressive thriving independence. I know that Eskasoni never give chances for anything. And I know that I couldn't really enjoy anything in my hometown home because of enemies. I wanted to be a skilled, careered plumber and have my Master's degree in Counseling Psychology just in case I wanted to switch careers.

I know that I could've had a good 10 years in my twenties in plumbing. And enjoyed the benefits of being a Certified Skilled Tradesman. I know that today I had a good time.

I went cruising and went to see my stepfather. He is doing okay and looks pretty good for someone his age. I know that I had a good conversation with him and I know that I was happy to see him. I felt that I was enjoying this trip because it could be my last day. I have a rare condition that could kill me in a second if I give up. But I know that I'm more relaxed, happy and ready to die. But I have so much to live for, to meet a woman of my love. To get my full driver's license and job. To get Professional Certificates like Retail Council of Canada credentials, licenses, NSCC Plumbing Certificate, Red Seal papers, have a good career in that and switch careers to NSCC Cooking Certificate program. Build a restaurant with my connections online and get my own place.

I know that I have a lot of good living to do. I feel like I have been through hell and back but I don't give up because I am a fighter in a way.

I know that I have a fighting spirit and I know that I want to get my ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute Custodial Technician Training Certificate program. There is so much careers to try out. I hope that I could learn from a lot of careers. And hopefully, people can transform their work environment into a atmosphere of Dignity of Labour philosophy. And live with accepting all walks of life and have compassion, empathy and understanding of the heart. I know that I have been with Mawita'mk Society for twelve years and this life journey, this life career is something that I enjoy. Everything has its purpose, growing accustomed to Mawita'mk Society I know that I'm alone in my own mind.

I know that it doesn't make any sense when it comes to my freedom. Mawita'mk Society isn't helpful in any situation because they rather have control over me. I know that I get dialysed and they criticized me.

I know that I get dialysed and they think that they know more than me? I know that I cannot get truth out of anyone here because they rather have me under their influence. I know it's for the sake of their opportunities to control me. Okay they are support workers but that is to say that they support me in my goals? No! They rather have me controlled and patrolled. Connie refuses to understand that I have understanding of all this dialysis stuff and I know that she won't have me leading the way. Nor Rosie or anyone else.

My words have no weight to them and I know that I've been wanting to get out of here. They decide what I get to do with my own life. I know that I don't deserve love but I know that I'm still the one with knowledge of my dialysis. I know a thing or two about my own dialysis. Yeah, I enjoy tea down there but I get dialysed with my 4-hours of dialysis. I know that people want to control me.

But that's the thing here, I could chill out and go on Wi-Fi with my Playstation 4 or smartphone, have a grand old time and live my life with the comforts of food, home services(indoor plumbing, electricity and WiFi, and cable) and have all the support I need here. I know that I want my independence but too much comforts of routine will have an slow impact. Being in here I know that I don't know if I could build a routine outside of Mawita'mk Society's care. And learning what I have learned from my experience, I feel that I could enjoy this place.

How good I got it means I cannot create and build a life for myself. I know that I have it good but is that a testament to me? Is that a testimony about my independence? What does that mean about my essential life skills? I know that it's a beautiful day and good songs are on. I know that I got to vist my stepfather this week. I know that I'm safe.

I know that I'm safe and sound here. I feel like I've lived a rich life going out on outings. I have a rich life where I could have home service, independent life here and a good personal development here. I could get my own car and job here, that's how far I could get here. In excited to grow accustomed to driving and working here. I could personally develop into a fully licensed driver with an experienced, very skilled, practiced and disciplined driver with knowledge and survival skills. I know that I never faced a survival situation in years. Twelve years to be exact and I know that I've done a lot in my time.

But I know that I could've done more. I know that I had the breaks I needed because of my disabilities. I know that epistemic curiosity means that I did not know a thing. We required the knowledge we currently need in our lives.

I know that I do poetry as a hobby and I know that I cannot do poetry for the professional sake of it. I used to be a thief in one sense, stealing candy or chips. And the owners would let me get away with it because of my childhood. I had a happy childhood with most of the bad asses I used to hang out with.

A regular day at Mawita'mk Society would be me going to school or work. And me getting driving experience in through my sisters. I know that a regular week would be that. And I know that I would keep my self-esteem in check. I feel would feel rich if I had my own place, a good job, driving experience in and school or work. I know that if I had my second transplant kidney I would go looking for something to do. I know that I would have my day full. But I feel empty and unmotivated to do stuff. Hopefully, I can get my second transplant kidney this year. I know that a regular day would be going out.

It's not my bidding process, it's my story telling that makes people sullen. I know this because I am on empty. I have finished my reflection but there is still more to say. I know that I have been dreaded because I don't have any good stories to tell. I know that I lived a fairly decent working life in Eskasoni, even with traumas and addictions. I know that I don't have any juicy story to tell because I don't get out much where the interesting stories are. I am stuck at a place where people are disinterested in my stories. My family is my only hope.

I know that I got some interesting stories about psychological literature of doctors and to-be doctors. I know that I don't savor the juicy story because of the traumas associated with them. Plus I don't know that many people in We'koqma'q community. I know that I had a Grammy Jessie Denny who recently passed. And that much I do know.

To rip the hatred out of the heart, is to be the unofficial counselor in works and hold their hands as far as therapy. I know that I had a careered counselor for a stepfather who has gotten me talking about my traumas and on the healing path. He dug into his own mess and saved me in many ways. I know that he has saved me many times and learned what I needed. With my stepmother alive I could always count on her perception to help me out. And both parents have served me in greater many ways.

I feel rich every time I'm with them. I wish I could live with them. But I'm living here and have to work on my fitness. I get rejuvenated every time I see them. I know that is what Mawita'mk Society is aiming for, a rejuvenation of my soul. That only could happen if they were part of my childhood. The utmost powerful memories is the childhood memories.

What used to be a regular day is now a struggle. Because of dialysis I have to be patient with everything again. And I know that I have to be patient and tolerant of the waiting. I know there is a calm in me but I want to live a rich life in We'koqma'q community because I want to get my own car. I know that I'm still struggling to maintain some kind of motivation. I know that I don't want to end my independence with what Connie says. I hope that I could get my own place I'm Sydney or Eskasoni. And I hope that I could manage my subscriptions, bills and rent through working for Eskasoni Tim Hortons.

I know that I want to have a regular employment experience in Eskasoni because I would enjoy that I had a good job. But I know that I have to regain my motivation and energy again by walking. I know that I get dialysed.

But I want to enjoy my days with a regular day at work. I would feel rich because I could get my EI educational funds and do the year programs. Throughout my life I'd never had any job experience but the few job experiences I had. I know that I couldn't get a regular, full-time position because I was sick. I know that I couldn't really enjoy the job because I know that I hadn't much job experiences throughout my life. I know that I am sober now and I know that I want a good job.

I know that I could live in Eskasoni but I know that I would be suckered into a addict's lifestyle I don't want. I know that people don't want me defending my own place or having a goof decent, homey place in Eskasoni where I could enjoy my life independently. In a progressive thriving independence I know that I want to try out new things. But into this life I go.