Hopes and Faith in Independence

I know that I don't get a dream girl because I wasn't known on Tinder. I know that I had to live with transportation barriers, difficulties and missed opportunities. I know that I never had any connections to protection in Eskasoni. I know that I still don't because I am such a target. I am a nerd and I don't get that kind of loving because I don't have any blacklist contacts. Nobody knows what it's like to be a guy who has to hide his trauma, have to deal with the doubters, debunkers and critics. As soon as I let my guard down, straight up I have to put it back up. I know that I have to be strong and faithful.

I know that I could get a job in Eskasoni because I know that I have way more educational accomplishments. I know that I could get a good momentum going with being a Street Laborer. I know that I want to have regular employment experience in my hometown.

I know that I have been earning and proving my routines-building capabilities and habit-making capacity since I got here. I know that I want to have my own garage gym. I know that I am not building a good life here, it's being managed and monitored. My mind is being patrolled and controlled, and I know that I'm still looking for a girl. A few of them and hopefully, I can get somebody. But I know that now I have Tinder app and I know that there isn't any cheating on here. I know that I could date and get a good couple of fucks.

Back in the 90s if I came out as a nerd, I wouldn't of deserve love or a couple of good fucks. I know that I was told many times that they rather the other guy than me, in my teen years and childhood. I know that I did not know why they rather choose someone over me. But I know that I wasn't that kind of guy who did not have that kind of choice. I was always the scrawny sick kid or teen addict.
I did not have much choices with my women. 

Especially since I was being patrolled and controlled by my step parents. I couldn't really get something because I wasn't really a human to them. My stepfather was cheating on my stepmother and I did not give a damn because I wanted a girl. But that if I came out as a nerd, I didn't and I had my fair shares of women. I know that I had been able to work all this over with certain people.

I know that I had my fair shares of women. But I know that I'm not perfect and I couldn't really maintain a good relationship. I feel that I have continued learning and relaxing. I know that I had a good Sunday. I feel like I was learning to ask about that program that Tyson has going on. I know that I'm still learning about the psychological works of doctors. I know it's going to take a good while because of Covid-19 restrictions. And I know that I'm still looking for a good woman.

I've been at Mawita'mk Society for twelve years and I hadn't gotten used of doing stuff for myself. I know that I want to enjoy a good dating scene. I know that, through creative process, I could keep myself entertained and occupied. But I need some kind of structure during my days here. With some people I don't have to be friends but it would go a lot smoother if I did befriend them. I don't shoot the shit with none of these people here. That much I know and I appreciate that, that way I don't have them nosying on my business. I know that I hate people when they are available. But it's good because I could understand myself better. I have high hopes and a good sense of independence I know that I have. I have hopes and faith in my independence.

I feel that nobody would accept me as thriving. I have too many enemies on my back.

I could spend my time in my bedroom and nobody would be able to build a rapport with me. I know that is how they suckered you in. I don't want to be part of anyone's financial situation or world. I know that I'm still not thriving because I cannot drive or work. I don't consider just living as a good thing. It's depressing, sad and pathetic. I want to be working, driving and doing fitness. I know that I want to be skilled in my work. And I want to be competent in driving. I know that I want to grow accustomed to that driving competency.

Okay Darren didn't do a thing tonight. I know that I could trust him but I know that could change just as easily, because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and a nerd. I know that in Mawita'mk Society I'm still the client. And as a resident I should have rights like emotional holistic wellness, fitness and physical endurance.

I know that I want to build a garage-like shed at that behind 74th street apartment. I gotta have hopes and faith in my independence because I don't have any choices but that. I know that I want to do something with my life because I could get a few good credentials hanging on my wall. I know that I want to enjoy my job. And I know that I want credentials and licenses. I know that I'm comfortable with certain workers. I know that I have some kind of banter and conversations with them. I know that nobody wanted me to talk to these workers because they think I'm sensitive and sentimental. I know that with certain workers I don't click because I'm a hard rocker nerd who has experienced serious assaults, thiefs and rudeness.

I know that I never had any real respect or connections back home because I would suffer by myself. Everyone in Eskasoni wanted me to suffer.

Suffering is the definition of doing, you ain't physically hurting at the end of the day. You haven't endured and worked. My life has been about suffering. It was to test my faith in the face of adversity and become something great. Suffering is just the physical pains of working and you have tons of suffering to do yet. There is the history of violence which is suffering the consequences of being beaten and still working. There is the cultural practices which you suffer for many and you keep on working. And there is meaningful suffering which impacts you to do good in your life as much as a history of violence, cultural knowledge and deep pain. That's why there is deep philosophy in this world, suffering pains have brought them to the deepening of appreciation for the knowledge I possess.

I know that I don't have any attractive qualities.

But sufferings have been a big part of my life because that is tolerance, patience, physical endurance and perseverance. I know that I don't give up my job because of a bad day. I know that I'm still learning certain things but suffering is the end results of working your body and moving. It's composure under pressure and overall pains. I know that I don't make profit off of suffering. I know that I could take the time to learn everything I need to, to make a dynamic balance of work, personal life and fitness. I know that I have to get information daily and get a good routine going for me.

But at Mawita'mk Society there isn't any suffering, there is comfort and change. I know that I have been going through a lot of changes. I used to have sufferings and pleasure. My feet used to hurt almost every day. And nobody wanted me to have a good time because most of them were bullies.

I know that I never had any real connections to getting my full driver's license or getting a job. I know that I have the safety, comfort and luxury of Mawita'mk Society. I know that I wouldn't give this up so easily because my suffering have defined and deepened my appreciation for Mawita'mk Society. I know that I have appreciated them I recognize their good qualities and good moments. I feel motivation with certain workers and others I feel like I don't really want to.

I know that I've suffered before but I got traumatized. I know that I was enduring pretty good and building up leg muscles. But I was beaten down and I know that I had to learn to live with it until I had some kind of therapy. I know that I never used violence to get what I want. I was targeted because I was an alone nerd. I know that I couldn't really enjoy my own place through other people. I know that I've suffered to get these legs.

I wanted to walk back and forth, from Mickey's Lane to 74th street. I know that I don't need to walk that far now. I got acclimated to suffering for a good cause. I know that I've learned emotional intelligence through suffering and the wrong kind of suffering have led me to traumas. I know that I'm not still strong enough to accept my own hell. I know that I never had any real connections, or enough respect for love. I know that I was denied all that in my teen years. I felt insecure with hypersexual feelings. I know that I wasn't learning from any relationship experience. But I know that I had my fair shares of troubles and problems.

I know that I don't want to be in this world of pains, addictions and discriminations. But I am and I have to work towards betterments. I know that I don't give up because of a little suffering. I embrace suffering and physical endurance for a few good causes.

That's what causes our bodies to grow, suffering the pains of exercises and calisthenics. I know this because I had exercised many times. I know that I had pains of my fitness to a moderate level. I had Tylenol and a good sleep. I was walking daily and had to do everything I could through walking. I know that I couldn't really enjoy myself with a Good Transportation because they've wanted me to remember that I was helpless. I know that people wanted me not thriving at first. But as I grew there was a list of good people in Eskasoni wanted me to thrive independently.

There is good suffering like there is good stress(eustress) and the bad stress(distress). I know that we suffer a little for the beneficial experience of growing muscles and through fitness, I know that there is a good mood associated with it. There is benefits to having a fitness.