Wasted Years

I've wasted years on trying to live a life in Eskasoni. All Eskasoni reminds me of is lost causes, traumas, losses and grief, tragedies and grief, anger and hurts, torments and jealousy, barriers and issues, cycles of abuses and addictions, discriminations and favoritism, nepotism and elitism, sexism based on misandry, hypergamy, classism and hypersexuality, sufferings and missed opportunities, what I didn't have and what I didn't earned. I wasn't surrounded by people who wanted me thriving, my stepuncles, my stepaunties, my fathers and step family. I know that nothing went my way. And I was stagnant.

I know that I had heavy regrets and I wanted to go suicidal. I've worked through all that because I wanted to forget my wasted years. I know that I was on my own for 7 years, wasted years. And I know that I did not have any academic accomplishments.

I did not have any milestones or professional connections. Those who hadn't any teen sports is bound to not get help in Eskasoni. Fickle fascination of a Indigenous nerdy disabled tradesman, I know that those kinds of fair-weather people aren't always there for me. Eskasoni is nothing but pains, tragedies, negligence, holding back, deprivation and dehumanization. I know that everyone schemed off of me. And in that I couldn't really rest in Eskasoni. I'm a tough son of a gun. I used to live by myself and keep on doing what I needed to do, to get that money.

I know that nobody wanted me to connect, be there friend or have any personal success. I know that I was hindered, held back, disadvantaged, deprived, discriminated, diminished and belittled, disabled, oppressed, abused in freedom, disempowered and neglected. I know that if somebody was gonna help at least help.

That's why I moved to We'koqma'q community. I couldn't have anything to my name and I couldn't really enjoy my own place. Especially when addicts, fiends and bullies where constantly showing up. That's three types of enemies that I have. I felt lost, trapped and stuck where I was. I know that I couldn't really enjoy myself in Eskasoni on my own because there wasn't a soul that wouldn't stop but to harm me. I know that I cannot get any lady friends because I am not that attractive. I feel that Tinder isn't enough, I am trapped alone and have no blacklist contacts. Or any woman willing. I know that I'm the hated nerd with natural repellent for the ladies. And in that I don't have any blacklist contacts.

I have to be careful and be aware of my own feelings because I know that I have nieces and nephews. I know that I did not have a smartphone back then.

I come from a sheltered life where I couldn't of explored my options without somebody telling me "I cannot do this" or that "I cannot do that". Not a lot of faith in me because I was blocked, stopped and stuck in a limbo of dependency and stagnancy. I was sick of myself that even the Canadian RCMP or military didn't want me. I know that I'm a nerd but damn man! I thought of a career and apparently I cannot amount to nothing. I'm 36 years old and I don't have any special skills or career under my belt. Apparently I'm not suitable for anything. It's not a willing issue, it's more of an mental invalid issue. I cannot do anything right because I wasn't taught anything right.

I was tiraded, yelled and cursed at as I'm learning to make mistakes and do it without the right stuff. Hopefully, I can learn without any criticism but I know that is impossible. I cannot learn from anyone else.

But now I have all these so called opportunities that Rosie says I have. Building a life is difficult when diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. Everyone will take advantage of you. I know that I'm not that comfortable living here because of certain feelings I got. I know that I've been on this earth for 36 years and no woman has every approach me and offered me sex. I know that I'd seen it with cousins and uncles. But by myself? Yeah right! In its natural states I'm the unlucky one. I know that I'm nothing to the ladies because I thought I needed Tinder. But no dating app would help out.

I'm used of doing nothing. I'm nothing to the ladies and I know that I'm not really handsome. I would've had a woman already in my teen years. I know that I'm not perfect but nobody wants me but a gay rapist. I know that I don't want that because I'm still single but not attractive.

I'm used of beauties passing me by. I know that it's been twelve years since I had sex but even that is questionable. I know that I don't have woman after woman coming to me. I get tricked or misunderstand things. I know that women don't talk to me unless it was a job thing. I know this because I never had any hot woman in Eskasoni. I know that I don't fuck white women or black women. Not even native women. I'm stuck at Mawita'mk Society because I am diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. And I just have wasted years in Eskasoni. I don't have any hot woman in We'koqma'q community.

I know that I'm still stuck but this time it's a different place. I cannot live my life independently because I have no support, no muscles or anything. I know that I never gave it a chance. These dating apps. It'll probably be mostly phishing. I know that I'm so unlucky.

I had 21 years to live my life to the fullest and still I don't have any blacklist contacts. I know that I live in a controlled environment where I am always patrolled, controlled and managed. I know that I'm kind of happy where I'm at and yes, I'd lived a sad life. I know that I'm still learning to cope and grow from all that. Alongside with dialysis and Mawita'mk Society, We'koqma'q community is a pretty good place to learn. Eskasoni has been my hometown from hell and I couldn't really enjoy my bachelor life the way I wanted to. Toughness is something of a strength that I had throughout the years. Yes, it had been twelve years since I had my last sexual activity.

But I want to enjoy my life with a lot of ladies by my side. Maybe I could because I know that I'm still looking. Maybe an dating app could help out. I'm not too sure because of Covid-19 pandemic.

I feel that yeah I kind of had a rich life in ways of working for my stepfather. But he mostly held me back as I grew up in my teen years. I know that I did not have any sports or trade skills to enlist on my rèsumè. I had no driving or training to put on my portfolio. I was left in the dark with no hope of a true job on my own. I know that I did not have anything to attract a job. I know that I was left to live a life on Welfare. No education, no smartphone, no musical skills, no muscles and no car or job. My stepfather was merciless to create this much sadness in my life.

Bah I couldn't take good care of myself because I did not have any college experience. And guess what I wanted to go to University. Still denied and held back but that's okay, I'm on dialysis. Everyone telling me there is ways around my dialysis but nobody wants to risk it. I know that no woman wants me.

So, my only hope is the Dating Apps I have to rely on. Tough isn't carelessness but rather developed strength through all the crap I've been through. I know that I'm not that attractive catch and I never had any luck at getting women. I always lost communication with them or get them bored and annoyed. They talk to me out of professional courtesy which is nice. Those that do talk to me has a good spot in my head. I almost got lucky couple times until they seen my profile. I know that I'm less interesting and more on the pedantic side.

Back in my twenties I did not have a smartphone. Now that I have a smartphone there is Covid-19 pandemic. Sucks but I have to deal with what people give me. I'm stuck with everything and I've lost my ability to take good care of myself. I cannot move, cheat on or make anything good. I know that I'm still a loser in ways.

I was not good for ordinary love but hell I was good enough for my enemies' fists and tools of beatdowns. I know that I don't get what I want because I'm never spoiled. I know that I'm still lonely but I'm coping. I know that people are cruel and strange. I just need something like lifelong learning. Research is against me, the hypergamy is against me and I'm not that attractive. I have no team or crew. I have no reason to fight back and I'm still losing out on opportunities. I'm even on the apps needed to date. Lol right?

I just need to have faith in these dating apps. Maybe. I know that I've been on Facebook for years and still hadn't got on any solid leads yet. These dating apps aren't all that great. I know that I had Meetville app on my computer. I'd appreciated that but I know that I'm still looking. I'll be looking for the ones I want forever. I know that I'm not that handsome because I don't get the lookers.

I'm broadcasting my images on Tinder, Facebook dating, Meetville and other apps. I hope that I could get a woman on one of these dating apps. I know that I'm still learning certain things about my life and in that learning, I still want a woman. I know that I don't know how to work Tinder, still learning. Hopefully, I can get a good woman on one of these dating apps. I know that with the opportunities I should've had, I'm still young and have to keep faith in finding a good woman. I know that I would have to learn to adapt to a good life.

I feel enrichen because I know that I have a good home. But I need to live by myself, on my own with a full driver's license and job. I know that wouldn't be possible because I got dialysis on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. I know that I have it good but I feel like I don't have any thing good. I feel like I'm cornered into a corner. 

Now I have some kind of hope for a new good, holistically whole healthy lifestyle in We'koqma'q community. I know that I'm growing to like this place and have a particular knowledge of sadness and joy. I know that I'd enjoyed Christmases and holidays at my stepfather's family house. But I know that came at a great cost. I know that I'm still learning about my own brain. I know that I want to enjoy living by myself without being harassed, bothered or upset. 

I know that I don't have any protection because I have to be an example for myself and others. I know that I have to be an example of personal leadership and domestic standard level of management and competency. Learning life skills as I grow into a economic person. Learning to adult for myself because I have a good understanding of life skills, trade skills and driving skills. I know with all the opportunities I have now I feel like I'm rich. Not lacking any economic resources or employment opportunities or educational opportunities. 

I know that I have driving opportunities here but it's only for here. I know a good thing when I see it. But I know that I want to live my life in Eskasoni independently without troubles or complications.