Looking for Motives

I know that I've been reminded what healthy life is all about. Gathering information while sober, being productive while sober, clean and well fed. It's finding a balance of physical activities like fitness and routines, to work at my Medicine Wheel. Yes I am looking for motivation for my healthy lifestyle. Yes my rescuers have saved me from the depths of hell but I wanted to work it myself. I know that I wanted my greatest triumphant recovery from my depths of hell. And have my life together in Eskasoni. But I feel that I am happy how my life turned out. It was all new, scary and sad. I know that I was angry because I was home invaded in 2007 at Rosie Basque's apartment on 74th street.

But I know that I was motivated and growing my sense of purpose through pop bottles. I knew that I wanted my greatest triumphant recovery from that particular depths of hell. I know that I was learning I needed support.

Every time I am with my stepfather I have shit to do. I know that I would lose weight with him. I know that I have a family to work for. I know that I could practice my plumbing skills and building skills with my family. I know a thing or two about carpentry, yard work and plumbing. I do things with him and the family. I know a thing or two about measuring, cutting and hammering. But I know that I'm not really wanted here because I am something they want to control and manage. I am somebody or something to be managed, dominated and controlled in so many ways by Mawita'mk Society, elders and people.

I know that I'm cherished like that because everyone loves dominating me. I know that I'm the diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic who cannot survive, thrive or strive. It seems like I cannot amount to anything that my family approve of or Mawita'mk Society. I am somebody to be managed.

But I am loved and cherished and that is what I'm learning to accept from people I've known for twelve years. Refreshing on my coping skills in NADACA Relapse Prevention program a while back. I know that I'm loved because I don't have anyone helping me out to accomplish my goals. I know that I have to accept that I have no control over my life. I am damned, forgotten and stuck where I'm at because I know that I don't have any way to persuade anyone that I'm able to work. I know that I want to work professionally, have three jobs or so.

But I know that in Mawita'mk Society I am managed and controlled. Not dominated but rather having no way to make money. I know that I'd lost their faith in the beginning and that is what I was fighting. To accept my defeats and helplessness. Looking for motivation to live my life here, I know that I don't want to be lazy, stuck and stagnant.

I don't want to be dull, showing no activity or productivity. I don't want to be stuck where I'm at while languishing in a helpless way. I know that I want to be active in work, personal fitness and driving. I know that stagflation is something that has happened to most people. And I know that growing old where I haven't done anything with my life. I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for twelve years, getting stuff done and done. Throughout my years here I have been learning that I have to be strong-minded and determined to do something.

I know that I would have to be careful with what I say because I know that people that do care are reading. I feel like I should fight my way to independence but I wouldn't want to because I am taking baby steps in order to maintain my sobriety. I know that I haven't been really welcomed because I know what that is like.

I know that I don't inspire trust or confidence out of anyone. I was that nerdy little kid who nobody really liked because they rather have me suffering instead of living. I never inspire any trust or confidence because I wanted to be left alone. I never really wanted to have any knowledge of anyone. Or have any personal knowing of that person. I wanted my connections to stop whoever was trying to get to know me. People are extremely nosy and want to know everything wrong about me. I know that I don't want to be known by We'koqma'q people.

I know that people want to get to know me for their own personal reasons. To damage anything needed or harm me in any way. I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society without any criticism, critique or comment. Mawita'mk Society has been tormenting me in ways where they want me to be social. They force the hand.

My experiential analysis is that they rather have me suffer rejections, humiliations and other things that they don't want to admit. They have total dominance over my life and have the expected results of living here. Building something that is a life by myself is something that nobody wants for me. I have enemies here and enemies in Eskasoni. But I won't say who they are because I know my own mind. Cruelest things they've done was ridiculed me and made me miniscule. I know that I don't have necessary respect because I don't have any friends willing to help out. They're too dysfunctional and I have to rely on myself.

I'm reading psychological works of flow, emotional intelligence, emotional literacy, emotional attunement, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, patience, Mindfulness and NLP. Power of a place and other doctors that I want to learn from. I was taught to be strong.

To accept my situations and build on skills that I could use in my life like emotional literacy that I use in my writings for poetry, my journal blogs, my posts and my personal journals. I know that I want to develop from my lack of skills to the personal development of DBT Skills Training Manual, Emotional Intelligence and other books I would like to benefit from. I know that I have a good selection of books, eBooks and audiobooks. I enjoy the fact that I am working on all this knowledge and traditional practices, and integrating them into my life that way I could learn to manage myself skilfully.

I know that it's just an expansion of my mind and I could use these coping skills accordingly. I feel like I have tons of coping skills/management skills. I know that I've had insecurities that has eaten me alive. Tormented me in ways of hypersexuality from my past.

I know that I never caught a break because nobody wants to stop living. Everyone wants to keep going and I want to move once I get all these Certificates from DBT Skills Training Manual and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I hope that I could lose my weight and continue with my life. I know that I'm not gonna get my second transplant kidney because I don't have any support like how I used to with family and friends. Yes, I am back on dialysis and yes, I have to work extra harder to get in shape. I know that I have walked to We'koqma'q Tim Hortons and back. I know that Connie isn't that good of an influence because she takes away the influences I once had.

I know that I want to enjoy my independence and freedom while I still can. I hope that I could get a good woman and enjoy a real connection from this woman through working out together.

I know that I haven't accomplished much as I wanted to in my life because of this dialysis. I know that I have been graciously treated and enjoyed a good cup of tea and cookies down there. But I hope that I could get my second transplant kidney and work on my fitness. Toughness is the strength to carry out stuff that I don't want to. I know that I've done more stuff in my life. But I want more and more and more stuff accomplished in education, work and driving. I know that I want to develop professionally, personally and socioeconomically. I know that I want to have a few good connections through work and other things.

Such self-discipline from psychological works and martial arts could prove useful in confidence, self-assurance, good repetitive skills and strategies, very practiced and disciplined lifestyle. Having martial arts to study is good for the soul.

Having physical fitness is great for the body. I know that I have been learning the benefits of repeating forms of exercises. I know a thing or two about martial arts but I want to study it in physical forms. Having something to do in a routine is something beneficial daily. I know that I could exercise every hourly to have that effects of physical activities during a weekly routine. I know that I'm well taught and have a lot of good reasons to stay here. One of them is that I could enjoy my home gym.

But I know that I would be excited if I could get enough wood, money and plumbing and electricals to build a garage-home gym and washer and dryer in Horseshoe Drive apartment. I know that I want to develop a physical routine with my own place and get my car in that garage. That would be something to have, my very own place and garage in one of my old apartment.

I know that I could estimate the cost and save up for all the costs of living, of First Month's rent and Last Month's rent. And security deposit for safety reasons. I know that I could learn martial arts' forms of exercises, fitness forms of exercises and do walking for an hour. I know that I could get into a good groove and have a good understanding of kinetics, physics and science of body movements. Kinematics and other sciences of boxing, martial arts and mixed martial arts. I could study all that and work with expanding my understanding of such things.

I know that I have to earn a good living so I will wait until I can get my second transplant kidney before I enter the workforce. I know that nobody wants me to thrive when I want to thrive. They all want to hold me back and get in my way. I know a thing or two about building, landscaping and other trades.

Looking for motives to workout. I need to be patient at learning about my own disabilities. I need to wait until I can get into shape by working out. And getting on that transplant kidney list. Today I'd walked nonstop and hopefully I can make a good routine out of it. Walk for an hour and make my life fit again. I know that I don't attract that much ladies into my life because of Mawita'mk Society. I need to move back home and get my life together there, to settled in and build a good life there. Maybe I could get an apartment in We'koqma'q community but unlikely considering that they only serve We'koqma'q residents.

It seems that Mawita'mk Society don't want me to know my own disabilities. I know that I've been learning about my coping skills I am using now. And how I could relate to my stepfather. I know that I want to enjoy my independence and freedom.

Look what I have! A Playstation consoles, Xbox 360 gaming system, a opportunity to work out, have a good group home and a good dialysis team. I have a good understanding of coping skills, have three meals a day like a treatments for my past malnourishment periods. Have outings whenever they start again. Have a good amount of things accomplished in We'koqma'q community and Eskasoni, Port Hawkesbury and Wagmatcook. I have a laptop and computer to work off of. I have a few collections of CDs, DVDs, hats, sweaters, credentials and electronics. I know that I have a good bedroom and benefits from Mawita'mk Society.

I know that I have a lot to live for because I've created Nerdvana in my bedroom. I am the king of nerds I hope to be one day. And defend my kingdom. I know that I have potentials for a good relationship.

I have a good collection of books, encyclopedias, PDFs, printouts, dictionaries, eBooks and magazines. I have a lot to be thankful for and to live for. I know that the unexamined life isn't worth living and I have thoroughly examined my past to study my good moments, my losses and missed opportunities I had. I studied my own hells and heavens. I know myself well and I hope that I could benefit from an examined life. My experiential analysis of this place is that this place is simple paradise. I have it good here and I know that the real struggles is with stagflation.

I know that I'm not caught off guard. I know that I'm well fed and I have to wait until my finances are in order. I know that I have my sister Billie Jean helping out with my stuff. I know that I have been fortunate enough to come across this place. To exercise and train for my own physical

I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for twelve years. I am 36 years old and I came to notice that I don't attract enough women in my life like I should. I want to have different women every night. I want to be in the City and live my life as a good guy having fun with women. But apparently I don't get any because I know that I don't get to have dates. I get to masturbate and never go out on my own. I get to go out when Mawita'mk Society goes out. It's been twelve years since I had a good fuck. And being stuck at Mawita'mk Society isn't worth it.

I am depriving myself of my independence and freedom. Mawita'mk Society is depriving me of my independence and freedom. I don't get to enjoy my life how I see fit because every woman here wants to keep me down. I know this because I never had a good life. My cousins and brothers have women in their lives. I don't because I am an nerdy little guy.

I know that I don't get dates or have any attractive qualities that would grant me different women every night. I know that I don't have any blacklist contacts or connections to dating apps. I know that dating apps don't work for me because I never was the attractive guy. I am the nerdy little guy who never gets laid. Apparently my cousins have all the fun but I don't. 

All my sufferings was worth nothing. I know that I don't get to date or have any influence in my life because of Mawita'mk Society. I know that I'm stuck where I'm at because I don't get to choose my place, of where I live or when I should get my full driver's license. I know that I'm still damned, forgotten and stuck where I'm at. 

There is more to this life here in We'koqma'q community and I know that I don't get to choose my lifestyle. I feel that I am learning my limitations, demarcations and stagnancy. I know that I don't get any justice because of the lack of faith in my abilities to take care of myself.