True Independence v. True Interdependence

Choices, self-obedience and listening to my own wishes. That requires little to no effort, I should be listening to Maugit, Dialysis Unit and Mawita'mk Society, and Harriet. I know that self-control is an issue with me because I don't feel right with it. But I know that I have to correct my thinking in ways of criminality. I know my shames and regrets because I was an addict most of my life. Not amounting to anything or anyone. There is a type of criminal psychology that makes me want to cope, deal with my regrets and keep my shames close to me because I was taught not to defend myself. Self-absorption and selfishness I never had since I was here.

I know that I've been through many different situations and loneliness. I know that I want to have many pastimes and women. But Mawita'mk Society is holding me back. Self-control versus independence is always dependent on obedience, loyalty and respect.

I know that there are obedience to elders and support staff. There is obedience to family and friends. And there is self-obedience which is the concept of willingness versus wilfulness. What do I want to do? I want to build my self-discipline in my own way where I am in control of my situations. I know that I am a paranoid schizophrenic and struggle to maintain my bedroom. But I know the struggles of accepting obedience to Mawita'mk Society because I would rather family. But Mawita'mk Society is my extended family and the Morrison is my adopted family.

This is what makes me whole. My family being part of my life and being integral part of my identity. I amounted to something when I'd sobered up, recovered and recuperated. I've suffered malnourishment periods, addictions and discriminations. I know that I learned what I wanted to do. I wanted to test my knowledge in everything.

I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society who has a lack of faith in my abilities. And I know that I don't necessarily have car systems knowledge. Only in a good Auto Repair book. I know that my stepfather has taught me everything I needed to be an independent, thriving adult male. I know that I've learned all my car skills from him and my family. Obeying is listening, listening means obeying. I have to make my ears keen. Whats being strong enough to tough it out and wean off the simple addictions I have now? I have to gain enough support from everyone in my life to share my desires and wishes for coffee, junk food and other things like that.

I know that I want to develop a mental toughness where I ask before I assume. That's why Mawita'mk Society is a bad influence. I cannot stay independent, neutral or free. I have to develop a taste for the shared culture I live in.

I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for twelve years and shown true independence could work with Mawita'mk Society. I know that true independence is thinking for myself without shared histories. I don't want to be known because I know that I don't attract the women I want. I feel that they have a higher standard knowledge of themselves and there isn't any true humility. I cannot get women to come to Mawita'mk Society and have a good time. So many wants to be Gangsta but don't know how. It's just violence and death.

I've been on my own for 7 years and started out pretty good. Until I was discriminated by Rosie Basque about my job. She wanted something more legitimate. I feel that I've been busy most of my life. That's how I passed my twenties so quickly. I did recycling laboring, landscaping, and cultural stuff. I know that I need to reconcile two things.

Independence and interdependence. There is a expected level of independence with interdependence and I know that is relying on a network in a community to help out. How do I reconcile the two differences in independence v. interdependence? A person looking at philosophy of independence will probably look at uniqueness, taking pride in contributions, taking pride in my work, personal accomplishments, milestones and regular treatment of others who don't want me to succeed. Getting job satisfaction and developing independent strong workethic. Looking good and having a good fitness.

This means taking pride in my appearances and dressing, looking and smelling good. Who we are depends on how we see our personal modus operandi. I know that I cherished my uniqueness. But the world view is different from what I've learned my motives and sense of purpose is.

I feel better that I'm doing it myself. That I've got that mentality and I don't want anyone's help. Unless I say so. I know that I don't get to choose my women. I don't get to choose my employer. The upbringing, community and way of thinking is part of my identity. I know that I don't like it but I have to take this way of thinking, living and believing. I know that there is limitations and boundaries I have. I know that I don't have any respect at Mawita'mk Society but I know that with me they don't have any boundaries but at the same time they do because they don't want any women coming around and fucking me. They don't want me to be a man-whore. What is true independence?

Rosie Sylliboy is trying to make me Interdependent. Trying to make me rely on a community when nobody helps out. I know that I have goals that I want to complete but nobody is helping in my life.

We'koqma'q community has a different way at looking at independence and that's interdependence. Of course they expect a good amount of efforts but they don't know what efforts are in my life. I feel that I've never was acknowledged or recognized for my efforts. Independence has its own toughness, it comes with the territory. I know that I was expected to be independent and tough, not independent and thriving. They have expected me to fail in hopes to gain control over my life. Me having a sense of control in my life makes sense to me. I'm 36 years old and I should have some kind of control in my life.

But people having control over my life isn't what I want. It's unnatural but I am out of my comfort zone and learning to go with the flow. I am adaptable if not having independence. I have the rights to fight my own personal battles.

Maybe we could fit the personality to the modus operandi? Independence goes to true independent thinkers and interdependence goes to social thinkers. Maybe it could work out like that? I know that I've been learning about work personalities and what fits where? And I have been learning about healing and recovery models. For me it's all about choices, what I can do and what I should do. But temptations gets to me and I want to fo the things that I shouldn't of. I get thirsty or hungry as a caveman waiting for cooking to be done. But social independence is something that relies on the self to communicate with others.

Social independence is relying on yourself to work with others. I love Mawita'mk Society and I know that I want to work with them. I feel that I always had a good life at the beginning and something would happen. I know that I have been learning.

I know that I don't want to end up on the streets where I have to worry about my next meal. I know that I am learning emotional literacy with all this writing. It's a coping skill and I know that I am diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I was first diagnosed in 2010, during that year I did a program in October through Mi'kmaq Lodge Treatment Center and done a program to help me identify triggers and signs of Relapse. But being a paranoid schizophrenic I have struggled to maintain a home. To have energy but this weekend I went to my dad's place. My parents are grateful beyond words for Mawita'mk Society. They've saved my life and got me my ALP diploma. The pivotal milestone that made me want to test my knowledge.

I know that I have to live here for my family's peace of mind. I am a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and they've lost faith.
Choices have been part of my life. I know that I want to be independent, neutral and tough. 

But Mawita'mk Society doesn't want me to do that. I know that I want to have social independence, consciously working with someone. But apparently I don't get to because I am on dialysis. I want to be on my own but it would cause my family distress. I know that Mawita'mk Society has saved me but I want to develop my own life. I want to build a good life. I know people want to get my attention and torment me. I know that I'm still learning about how cruel these people can be. I've came from my stepfather's place and enjoyed his company.

I know that I get the correct thinking when I come back from my stepfather's place. I feel like I've done a lot but haven't done shit to start saving up for a car. I haven't really progressed here where I could drive off in the morning and drive to my own place.

I would be making my family worried about me. And I know that I wouldn't br able to pay rent or get an apartment in Eskasoni. Too many drug dealers there. And plus I have enemies there that would rather see me dead than get a place of my own. I know that it's not safe in Eskasoni because people are getting killed there. I'm glad I'd moved out but I want to move back because I want to prove my hometown is good. I know that I have plenty of reasons to stay here but I want to enjoy my independence and freedom.

Mawita'mk Staff influences is questionable because I don't feel safe in ways. I know that I have some bad influences here because they would rather see me suffer temptations. I know that I don't have any choices with a cultural ageism. They would rather me have no idea how to function without them. I know that is their goal: to make me dependent on them for influences. Them, elders and my family. They would rather see me dependent on everyone instead of living my life to the fullest potential. 

I know there is a certain amount of power that a support staff have because of Rosie or the collective wants it that way. I know that I don't get any respect because they don't have sny boundaries. I know that I cannot really enjoy my independence here because they won't give me my medicine when they are enjoying company. 

Position of authority shouldn't be because they are adult day care workers. They want me completely dependent on them because I know that I got to get my medications from them. They don't want to deal with the professional realities of work because they are spoiled with powers. 

I know that they don't want to be a positive force in my life because that would mean that they would have to work at efficient levels of standard knowledge. A professional outlook on Mawita'mk Society. I know that they would rather indulge instead of prepare meals, administer medicine or do their job otherwise. Their job is supposed to be supporting me and nothing else. 

People in position of power is more likely to make fun of people because there isn't any professional boundaries. Only to protect their ass and give them a job that is easy. Mawita'mk Society is something that wouldn't have to work that hard. I know that I have been learning about their positional comfort and luxury of Internet. 

I've said that I should listen to Maugit sarcastically. I know that I don't get to enjoy my life without some kind of efforts of control, management and less worries. I know that Mawita'mk Society don't worry about their job because they could easily say "it is not my fault". I know that I don't get that kind of professionalism. 

I know that they don't want me to have personal powers over my own life. They would rather have me helpless, powerless, skill-less and forgetting everything that is going on here. I know carpentry in ways. I know that I could use a measuring tape and circular saw. But I have helped my cousin Ray out with securing my dad's porch. 

I love going my dad's place because he knows me closely, psychologically and personally. He knows everything that he needs to know with all the right influences on his side. I say that I met up with him and have a pretty decent relationship. I know that I have been living with him for a good while. Years seeming months and social enjoyments seem to be. Everything is balanced with him. 

I want to be his son and his right hand man. I know that I'm stuck here until I do get in shape for a second transplant kidney. At my dad's place I feel that family and me could do anything that I put my mind to because anything can be built, dug out and done. I have a renewed confidence coming back from my stepfather's place. But that confidence is built on shaky grounds.