Busy Like A City Man But a Country Boy

I want to be busy in the big cities. But I might have appointments with injections. I know that I have appointments but I want to be busy like a working class city man. I know that I have to increase my fitness and productivity. That is why I'm writing this while lifting weights. I hope that I could multitask while I write this. I know that I don't have any professional responsibilities yet. I want to be a Red Seal Certifed Plumber. Educated by NSCC Plumbing Certificate program and Nova Scotia Apprenticeship Agency program.

I could be busy with We'koqma'q WoodWork Workshop. I could be busy with working in We'koqma'q community doing plumbing and landscaping or plumbing and cleaning. I want two vans for a good reason. I hope that I could work in Eskasoni once I've made a good reputation out of being a hard worker in We'koqma'q community. Growing personally here I've faced some mortal fears.

It was about the fears of staying here and living here without being productive or progressive. I know that I'm held back because I don't deserve to get my life together. Professionally skilled through life skills and chores, I know a few skills that I could use for general services practice. I would charge people for yard work service, house and yard cleaning, plumbing and building at a small price. I want the credentials with NSCC Plumbing Certificate program, NSCC Automobile Service, NSCC Pipe Trade diploma program, NSCC Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma program.

There is three types of Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma programs, the regular kind, the landscape and operations. So I hope that I could have enough knowledge to do all three programs.

I could build hopefully I can pass carpentry programs. There is two types of programming of carpentry. One being a basic knowledge Certificate program. And the other program with diploma and more specific knowledge or further knowledge on building, assembling and repairing. There is Plumbibg Certificate program and Pipe Trade diploma program from Nova Scotia Community College. And there is Heavy Duty Equipment/Truck and Transport Repair Certificate looks interesting. I could start at Heavy Equipment Operator for the College Certificate program.

There is three types of heavy duty programs with that. One I'd mentioned earlier and then there is one more Certificate program which is called Heavy Equipment Operator and the diploma program which is called Heavy Duty Equipment Repair program. Which I find interesting. I would love to test my studying habits with that.

But I know that I don't have any good influence because I have to think and act like the elders and people that are a little older than me. I cannot think originally or act accordingly to my wishes. I have to think and act according to how older people want me to act and think. Yes I've been misguided because of people telling me what I have to do without being myself. Originally I never wanted to stay here because I knew what it meant. I had to give up a lot of part of me that have made me who I was. Cultural ageism versus cultural respect?

I knew that if I stayed here I had to give in to the pressures of society and bow down. I don't want to do that. I want to live my life how I see fit. Words that nobody wants to understand. I want to live my life how I see fit. Without bad influence and without anyone influencing me in any way or style. I feel like I'm stuck here because of certain things.

Like how they have the potential to control, patrol and manage me financially, emotionally, physically, volitionally, intellectually and mentally. I don't like to be controlled, patrolled and managed because I love my independence and freedom. I enjoy being alone and having my own place. I hope that I could get my own place in Eskasoni. 

Feeling a little home sick and a little sadden. I know that I have been given information about my Grammy Jessie Denny who was from Eskasoni originally. Who had everything in her other home. And I know that I have a rich life. I know that my Grammy Jessie Denny is an Indian Residential School survivor and I know that she is something of a strong woman.

I know that I've faced missed opportunities, past traumas, losses, barriers, difficulties, grief, tragedies, negligence, ageism, sexism, favoritism, lost opportunities and no choices.

I know how discriminations works and I know that I don't have any respect because of my age. Everyone wants their respect and wants me to pay for it. I know that I never was independent until I could move out. I know that I'm stuck here because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. And have multiple disabilities so my sisters say. I feel trapped in Mawita'mk Society because they don't believe in a cultural ageism. They would rather see me obeying and listening. I don't want to because I want my independence and freedom. I hate the fact that I'm stuck here because I am diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic.

I know that I have been wanting my independence and freedom but I have to be patient and calm. I know that I could be because I've been patient with getting laid. I feel like I never was that sexy. I have to go out and do stuff in order to forget.

Forget that I'm not sexy. I know that I don't have any friends to help out in that aspect. And I don't have any blacklist contacts for booty calls. I feel like I've been cheated out of my youth and cannot go back. I have to become educated by these systems. And hopefully I can stay here to graduate from couple programs from NSCC Community College and Universities. I hope that I could get many credentials hanging on my wall. But I know that I don't have any chances at love. I know this because no woman young has any interest in me. I feel that I don't have that kind of attractive qualities of a single bachelor.

I don't want to be with an older lady because I don't have any respect in my independence and freedom. I know this because most older ladies want that kind of control, patrol and management over me. I know that I don't attract the ladies I want. Especially since I was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenia.

I feel that I never was changed in any ways of independence and freedom. I know that I never was wanted to thrive or succeed. 

Getting away with certain things in my teen years I know that I never had my full driver's license and job. But I could try to ask the one I want what she thinks of a date with me? I feel that I got a good shot with dating this one and hopefully, she feels the same about me. Besides I don't initiate the conversation about dating anyways. That is a man's duty to ask a woman out.

I remember when I never had any real connections and dry spells. I know that I wasn't attractive enough to get the ladies I want because they know that I'm an Indigenous descendant nerd. I was sexually discriminated against because I couldn't get laid. It's something like work, you have to have the experience before you get hired. And that was a bitch of a problem.

That's why I say favoritism and sexism, I wasn't in sports so I had to survive through Masturbation. And I know that no woman in her right mind would choose me. I know that I was professionally discriminated against in Eskasoni. And I know that I did not have any one night stands like some of these fuckers. 

But I know that I couldn't get laid because of sexism and favoritism in ways. I feel like I never was changed in any way in terms of independence, sexuality, jobs, full driver's license and credentials. I never had any opportunities because of NSCC.

I had to mentioned my disadvantages and political weaknesses. I did not have any favors or real connections. Of course I have to go with what Mawita'mk Society says because I don't have any respect. That is any type of respectability. I know that they give to me my food and medicine. For Christ sake I could do that.

But I wasn't busy like a city man in my thirties. I wanted to be busy and active and productive. But Mawita'mk Society doesn't inspire action out of me. They aren't my stepfather who I usually am active for. I know that I don't get to choose my women but I have a lot of free time. And no woman in their right mind would come to me and ask me out. 

It's not culturally appropriate. That is a way of not taking responsibility for their own sex. Feeling like I cannot get laid like some of my male cousins. I feel like I never had any sex in twelve years. In fact I never had any sex in twelve years.

I know that most family members don't want me to enjoy my sexuality. I feel that I've been cheated out of my youth and I cannot go back. I have to keep working at my own fitness and full driver's license. Hopefully I can get over the lost opportunities and missed opportunities I had.

That is what most people want to hear out of me. Misery, traumas and pains. And going back to my addictions. My addictions never served me well and I did not have any relationship experience. I am not a virgin but I know that I don't have any women now. 

Because I'm not asking. I know that I would be let down easily. Gently. I know that I'm not that attractive or fortunate. I have no money to fuck. And I know that hypergamy/Hypogamy is what governs relationships. I am not relationship material because I don't have any money. This socioeconomic reality that we live in it seems that I cannot get women because most of them aren't independent.

That I could accept because it would mean I just have to cook or something. Depending on how the woman feels about cooking or chores. I know that I could make a good boyfriend but I could pick up hobbies.

Not only did the game changed one time, it changed over years of learning about mental health and suicide. I feel that I never was an emotional hero of sex because I am that motherfucking ugly. I got no one to help me out in that department. I feel like I have to learn the rules of sex and the game. Nobody wants me because they don't need me. I couldn't even get a woman like that: need-base. I know that I'm not wanted or needed because there is other men. I am nobody to the ladies and I will be for some time now.

I hadn't asked a independent woman. Maybe that is still in effect? I don't know because these relationship books are kind of useless. Dr. John Gottman is who I'm learning from. And I just got to modify certain aspects of a relationship. Love and relationships are getting difficult. But I think that I have to get back to some basics of women being emotional creatures.

Men can be emotional creatures too. For Christ sake we know about emotional intelligence in a relationship, emotional literacy in a relationship, emotional attunement and other things to cope with. I feel that I have women interested in me but they aren't saying nothing. But I don't know that's the thing. I have to ask if this woman is interested in me. I feel I would have a lot of good reasons for doing so. I know that I could learn to love and cherish but everyone seems to have this special knowledge about women.

I know that I'm still learning about women, relationships, sexuality, romance and dating. It seems that I don't have the attractive qualities of an eligible bachelor. I know that I don't get chances at romance or one night stands. I know that I'm still struggling to get laid. And I know that I'm not that handsome because I would've had a few good dates.

But I don't know how today's courtship works. I know that I have to think that women are independent and working. They, too enjoy freedom and sex. They too, enjoy independence and driving. They too, enjoy faith and love. I just have to accept and respect their independence, sexuality, jobs, full driver's license, vehicles and homes. I know that I'm not fully, personally developed in ways of having my own place, having my own full driver's license, job and credentials. They have but I don't have that much. 

I feel like I get to research, ask questions about courtship, romance, dating and relationships. I know that I could provide emotional safety through faith and trust in myself believing in God. I know that I have struggled with this kind of struggles. And I didn't have any relationship experience but I know a thing or two about psychological works in relationship, dating, courtship and romance.