Hypersexuality v. Sexuality Pt1

The good thing about a healthy sexuality is that I have to be careful not to go for hypersexuality. I know that addiction can come in many ways. And I know that I have been learning about hypersexual disorder and how certain things can affect my life. Like how hypersexuality don't discriminate. They just do and I know that I don't have any more mental garbage because my uncle wants me to think like that. Overdriven sex is something that I don't want as a healthy sexuality. I know that I have been learning about my mistakes and learning about the pdfs and eBooks about healthy sexuality. Sexual addiction comes in many forms and it's indiscriminate. I know that people don't have any good influences because I'm heterosexual.

I know that I have been attracted to women. And I know that I don't get the women I want. I'm in my 30s and I should be dating and coping and doing tips and advises.

I know that I'm surrounded by old ladies who don't want me to enjoy my sexuality. I know that I don't have any sex partners or blacklist contacts or females after me. I am nothing compared to some of my cousins, siblings and friends. I know that I don't get to date with these apps. Trying to make dating a routine isn't what I had in mind. Cruelest thing I've faced is to have a sexuality that doesn't quit. I know that I want to have coitus but I cannot because I'm that old fashion nerd. I am hated by women because I am weak and haven't peaked still. I don't have the job I want or have any incomes.

I haven't gotten my full driver's license and job yet. I haven't gotten any car purchases on my Facebook, LinkedIn profile and Instagram. I know that people will rush me and force me to get a juhnny car. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics because I would've had a woman already.

I hadn't the amount of sex that would make me experienced in romance, courtship or sex. Sex is a great thing but I feel that if I'm focused on healing for 10 years of my life or 4ish years of my life, I feel that sex wasn't really on the table. I had to focus on my emotional sobriety and spirituality. I know that I haven't gotten into psycho-spiritual side of sexuality. I want to go on real dates, something physical instead of online. I hope that a good woman could understand that.

I'd started this emotional and drug and alcohol recovery from 2010. I've been on this kind of recovery since I'd moved here. My goal was to get off the drug, alcohol and smoking. And graduate from Nova Scotia Community College Adult Learning Program. But I did not have any opportunity but a community College level of education and employability. I got my trade and I got couple other credentials hanging in my bedroom.

I know that I have a good life in We'koqma'q community but I want to build a pretty good life in Eskasoni. I feel enrichen because I got my Playstation consoles, my Xbox 360 and my Playstation Portable. I know that I could choose from a few games if I could get that HD pound link. I know that I have a rich life in We'koqma'q community and I want it to get better. I hope that I could get a good walking schedule going and make a good routine too. I know that I'm safe with regular meals, medicine and fitness. Accepting myself as a  experienced traditional bachelor I don't know these dating apps procedures. I know that I have to wait on something.

I'm just trying to make it through the day walking twice a day when I'm off dialysis. And walking whenever I can. But I know that I have seasons one and two of Star Trek: Picard and watching what I can. I know a thing or two about Star Trek history.

But I'm no historian in any way. I know that I'm still wondering about Star Trek Canon. I know that I have been watching Star Trek since it came out. But I don't think that I could become a member of Star Trek Academy. I know that I have been educated by Nova Scotia Community College in Adult Learning Program. And I know that I have graduated with Graduate Studies. But I don't think I could use my knowledge for StarFleet Academy. I know that I want to but I need to study the DVDs. And hopefully incorporate my knowledge of StarFleet Academy into my life too.

My social fears have been dissipated when I seen I have too many friends in Eskasoni. Yeah I have enemies but I know that I don't get justice. What's love if enemies want me destroyed? Lost my respect when I trusted my step uncles and step family. I know that everyone is fucked up.

Feeling that love and hypersexuality could be an online dating addiction. I know that I have to be careful and watchful of my own family, addictions and discriminations. I know that I don't want to discriminate but apparently toxic family members don't want to smarten up then I have to break off the relationship. Sex with younger members of my family isn't what I want. Especially since I don't get to protect my younger family members. I know that I'm not really respected but I know that I don't want that kind of fuck up-ness. I know that my hypersexuality has affected certain people. Personal leadership requires self-sacrifice of personal downtime. Does it?

I mean that living at Mawita'mk Society doesn't necessarily mean I have independence or I would've have that kind of comfort of choosing my own time when I would stop eating. I mean that there is kitchen time and other times.

They still have control over my life and patrol in my life. They make sure that I don't get any justice that day. Or stop with that kind of real comfort of eating when I want to stop. It's not real independence or I would've been living by myself, walking and lifting weights. Because I got no power or influence over my own life they choose whatever. They feel comfortable to judge or choose for me. I know this isn't my life because I would've been stuck in Eskasoni living a good life. Love isn't something that everyone chooses. I know this because I'm that kind of guy.

Thanks to Mawita'mk Society I feel trapped here and no where to go. I know that I don't have any guarantee that I would get what I want like family time or good food time. I don't live with the comfort of independence because Mawita'mk Society monitors, patrols and controls. Like how my stepfather's family did it when I was a teen.

That's what I miss about living by myself: 1. The sex. 2. The jobs. 3. The comfort of freedom and independence. 4. My own place. 5. Joys of works and rewards too. 6. The walking. I know that I could cook any time I wanted and I could pursue other women any time I wanted. I knew that I could bring a woman to my place and have one night of passion with her and let her walk out. But Mawita'mk Society has served their purpose in the past. And they are only hard on me because the staff have seen too many young friends passed on.

If it wasn't for Mawita'mk Society I don't think that I would be alive. I don't think I would be sober if it wasn't for Andrea Currie and Mawita'mk Society. The comforts of regular food, medicine and fitness routine has made this place a good home. I don't enjoy the independence and freedom I used to have. But I know that my kidney failure this time.

My kidney failure this time was because of my bad eating habits on my own. I know that I had two kidney failures in my life. One when I was nine years old and that was caused because of my IGA. I know that I didn't have a normal life. I know that I have survived this long to listen to new music from Disturbed, Ozzy Osborne. And get to watch to new episodes of Star Trek: Picard, finish watching Star Trek: The Next Generation and DS9. And have a good birthday party with Mawita'mk Society. I know that I have taken progressive baby steps with Mawita'mk Society until I'd graduated from NSCC ALP, NSCC Construction Trades Labor program and couple other programs. I know that I have survived this long because of Mawita'mk Society.

I have such a peaceful, progressive and rich life at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I'm happy.

I hope that I could get a good woman through online dating. I feel like I have a good life because this place is progressive, thriving and developing. Because of such developments and transformations in my life, I'd learned that I have been living the good life without any troubles or violence. There is good influences here but there is restrictions. They want me to balance out my life with good regular daily routine and make fitness a part of my routine. They want me to balance out my life and build memorable moments in We'koqma'q where I have my physical fitness milestone.

I hadn't had sex in twelve years but I am just working on the dating apps. Trying to figure out my finances. My real father thinks that I cannot live without him. Well I can because I'm 37 years old. Yeah it's good that he is willing to help out but I don't want any strings attached to the money he gives.

We haven't made any connections that was based on fundamental respect, trust and love. I know that I have to learn much as I can to get out of We'koqma'q community. I hope more progressive developments and changes happens because I want to get my physical muscular fitness, full driver's license, BA degree, job and car. Eventually I will drive on out of here with a job lined up in Eskasoni. Hypersexuality is the sexual addiction which is kind of a insanity. Sometimes...

I know that I had impacts of Indian Residential School and Indian Day School. My intergenerational traumas can be something of sexual nature and I know that people want to get away if they don't have the strengths and power to redeem themselves. Repent and penance shall stop. Repent and the pain will lead to self forgiveness. I am a son of an Indian Residential School survivor and a Indian Day School survivor. 

Overdriven sex drive is hypersexuality. And that wasn't cool. I had to learn the emotional reality of my sex. Feeling like I have been repressed and oppressed. I feel that nobody wants me to tell the truths of my past. Sex can be a shared subjective experience through culture. 

I have to work at my emotional sobriety of my psycho-sexuality. And the psycho-spirituality of my sexuality. Sexual richness is working the trust and living in my best way. Without situational forces and personal corruptors forcing their way on me. 

Yes! I am an experienced Indigenous descendant traditional bachelor. I enjoy my independence and freedom I have. I am not accustomed to being a bad ass. I have been learning that women don't want that but I am also finding that women don't know what they want when it comes to men. 

Eskasoni had me since I was a baby. They had all that time to work on me when abuses did happened. I don't know what Indian Residential School psychology I have to have to learn the truth. But I know that I don't have the therapist's skill to uncover the truths. 

They've shaped and molded my reality, they've taught me how to think and see. They taught me how to think and believe in myself. And they have lowered me far down into their projected need. 

I know that women need to explore their sexuality. Find the rawness of it, the spiritual and cultural side of it, the emotional reality of their sex. And I know that I was an off-again and on-again addict throughout my life. I've been sober for twelve years and I have been here for twelve years, reaping benefits of Mawita’mk Society and waking up for a reason. Plenty of reasons... 

I am not that innocent. I am experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor with a level of education and employability. I know that Mawita'mk Society is controlling me. Women explore their sexuality more than a few good men. The Morrison family had a lifetime to work on me. I'd needed to have a son and I know that I was still in school. 

I had good sex in Eskasoni before I went crazy. And I know that I was happy in Eskasoni. But I wanted my old place in 74th street apartment back. I hope that I could make something out of that place. Eventually I will move back and get my life building a good life in Eskasoni again. I don't think I'm welcome back there.