My Sanity in Question

My sanity was brought into question for years as I was an on-again and off-again addict throughout my childhood, teen years and early twenties. I know that I had taken some heavy drugs over the years. And I know that I did not get laid like crazy. I was avoided and my granny Barbara Morrison was always strict on me. I never felt like an happy adult around her. I know that I did not have any opportunity in Eskasoni because I did not have any Facebook, LinkedIn profile, Wix online portfolio and my own physical portfolio. I know that I did not have that kind of level of education and employability to post online.

I know that through a sophisticated technological effort everyone in Eskasoni made it possible to bully me through their kids. As I learn how much they've hated me in Eskasoni. I'd learned how dysfunctional they are being friends with me. I know that through cell phones, smartphones and iPhones.

They've managed to make my life unmanageable. In Eskasoni they played me and used me all up for their twisted games. I know that they haven't been ideal support for my goals. And I know that certain workers here don't like me because I am not trustworthy. I would rather move back home because I would leave everyone alone. Except my Aunt Georgina. At Mawita'mk Society everyone loves to outpetty me in every way. 

Nobody leaves me alone at Mawita'mk Society. They keep bothering me with petty stuff they feel is their respect. I'm hated no matter where I'm at.

Women are cerebral special assassins of outpettying people because they don't give up unless they are emotional correct. Not morally correct. They must patrol my phone and disempowered me while I write. I know that I don't have any influences at Mawita'mk Society.

They have powers at making me give up information. I don't want to be emotionally attached to petty people because they force you to do stuff you don't want to instead of making a smooth transition to one task at a time. I know that I have been living my life how Rosie wants me to live my life. I should live it how I want to. I know that I've been listening to music, audiobooks and radio. Thinking that this nation needs a lot of life skills. Job-related life skills at that.

My sanity has been in question for the longest time. Everyone seem to take advantage of that and put me in bad situations, bad moods and bad pettiness. Where I would be beatdown and suffer. Everyone thinks differently with disabilities if there is a criminal element to it. Even Mike MacInnis. I know that I don't want to grow too attach to petty people. Some people believe that they are better than natives.

I know that people here are petty and so is my Morrison family. These people are extremely petty and want to ruin any opportunities that come knocking. I know that I haven't been able to get a job in Eskasoni because my stepfather wouldn't allow it. It's the Morrison family that left me to the wolves. And it was the Morrison family that left me weak, unappealing and disabled. I know that I haven't been able to reclaim anything from them. And I know that they had control over me all those years. I could've fought but the Morrison family wanted their yard beautiful. I know that I'm not petty.

I know that I love and respect Mawita'mk Society in ways. But everyone seems to have an opinion. I know that I haven't been properly prepared for shit like that. I know that pettiness is something that I have to deal with because they are so damn bad. Yeah like if I had muscles they would be brave.

I know how cowards roll. They love being petty and Eurocentric. I know that I'm still stuck where I'm at because nobody wants me to prove them wrong. I know that I haven't been able to function better. Being better than Indigenous descendant bachelors. Everyone would've been all petty and Eurocentric. Cheating me out of land and stealing a house from me. I know that I couldn't prove them wrong because they are immune to truth. My sanity has been in question for the longest time. And the Morrison took advantage of all that.

Thanks to Georgina I know that my sister is getting the house. Thankfully I know that I have been learning about opportunities in Eskasoni. And another time I could've been working. But I need to work on my physical fitness at Mawita'mk Society. I am happy here, I just got to get them stop being petty. Less friction and less people being petty.
I wouldn't want to move in with my real father. 

I want my independence and freedom to live my life. Not to be dictated or bossed around. I know that I'm hated by Mawita'mk staff, some of them anyways. And I don't want to become overly attached emotionally to an petty person or people. Growing accustomed to living here I know that I haven't grown up here. I'd grown up in Eskasoni and there is no damn way to interpret that as being We'koqma'q community. Growing up in Eskasoni I've been learning about my rights relating to a Community. I know that the Morrison think they should deprived me of my rights. Basically cheated me out of opportunities and choices.

Family has been there and I could've lived a better life in Eskasoni. I could've earned my cigarettes and other cds, DVDs and smartphone. I love Mawita'mk Society and they cannot be perfect.

But please stop being petty with me. I know that I'm nothing. Nothing is clearer than me being nothing. I haven't accomplished anything in my younger years. I haven't been able to get my driving goals up. Feeling like I am tired and drained. I feel that I'm being spoiled to shut me up. Feeling that I've been through a lot, I had trauma dumped on me. And everyone seemed to want to take advantage of everything. My rights, my Treaties, my full driver's license and developmental stages that they've cheated me out of. And a good deal with Eskasoni Chief and Council's yard and other jobs I could've had.

But I'm happy where I'm at because I get three meals a day, snacks and medicine every four hours. A good deal of playtime with Playstation 4. And I know that I want to be left alone because my real father wants to talk.

I don't care how old he is, I want to be left alone. My emotions are based on how I'm treated at Mawita'mk Society. And I feel that things can be a little better. Even though this is paradise and I have something of a heavenly place. Still though I feel that things could get better emotionally speaking. But then again it could be me again. Being picky and choosing what I want to say. I feel enriched with a good family in ways, a good Mawita'mk support system and a great home.

I know that people could have friction and pettiness though. I know that I have been impassioned with bad moods. I know that I have to deal with certain pesky people in my life. I know that I've been unable to secure driving hours with my own family. And I hadn't been able to reach certain goals in my life. I know that Rosie get to choose what I do in my life. I just know that I'm managed.

I just know that I'm managed, dominated and controlled and patrolled. I feel like I didn't have any support from the beginning. Choices are a range of selections from a good robust service. I know that I want to have freedom of choices and my own financial independence. I don't have that here because I'm not working. 

Feeling that I have been living here for twelve years and reaping benefits of Mawita’mk Society. I'm happy that I am but I want to be financially, economically and personally independent. I'm happy with Mawita'mk Society. I could live here and work on my six goals. Feeling up to it and having that kind of energy to run my days in Eskasoni. I know that I wouldn't be able to because I have enemies and dysfunctional friends in Eskasoni.

Feeling happy right now. I know that I don't get to choose my women because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic.

Stuck at Mawita'mk Society because I don't have any special favors in Eskasoni. Because of my stepfather I had very little opportunities in my life. And because of my stepfather and the hegemony of the Morrison family cheating me out of my youth. I know that I never was anything like them cheap-ass Morrison. I didn't have my own console until they thought that I was gonna die. Post-apocalyptic feeling of being happy with someone, I couldn't even have that.

I know that I accepted certain things in my life because I wanted a smooth transition of routines and habits. I know that I haven't been granted powers to control my own life. Feeling trapped with a menial job at Mawita'mk Center. I know that no woman wants me because I am unattractive. I have no successes like a Master's degree, full driver's license, a house, land or a few good incomes. I know that I'm not really respected.

To choose my own path and forge my own way. I know that I'm stuck here because I don't have my own apartment, house or anything to live off of. My step uncle Chuck is brought up on charges, sex charges. And I don't know how true it is. But I know that I cannot get mad at how he taught me how to live. I know that I hadn't any special lady in my life for the longest time. And I bet it's because of all these disabilities. I am a dysfunctional friend and have no attractive qualities or characteristics because I don't have any notable professional successes, commercial accomplishments or graduations.

I know that I'm damned, forgotten and weak. I hadn't any relationships, sex, intimacy and touching for twelve years. I damn well know that I didn't have crazy, love sex. Feeling like I've been trapped here for twelve years. I knew that I would be stuck.

I knew that I would be stuck here because I don't have my very own place. The Morrison and Mawita'mk Society is supposed to be supporting me in my goals. But they just let me be. Which I love because I need my sisters for driving. I have to be patient, calm and clean. I know that I'd took a bath today and it's Sunday, October 9th and I know this is a appreciation that I have for Mawita'mk Society. A care for their professionalism and non-profit leadership in We'koqma'q community. Growing personally accustomed to living here I've reaped the benefits of Mawita’mk Society and enjoyed luxuries I wish I had in Eskasoni.

I know that I want to be successful, fully licensed driver and a thriving Red Seal Certified tradesman. I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for twelve years and have an accomplished past in We'koqma'q community.

I know that people are ugly on the inside. And in that I have to be the landscaper who makes beauty out of their garbage piled lands. I know that I haven't been doing that lately and I know that I haven't needed to do that in years. Feeling like I don't get to choose my own choices at Mawita'mk Society. I know they've decided for me.