Heaven's Coming Down

I know that I have been critical. But Mawita'mk Society has been supportive in my goals when I first came here. I know that I have to be strong and independent, tough and powerful. I have to do this leadership right and make my life workable in ways of having my own thinking on my own. The power of my own thoughts to motivate my own ass. I know that I am under certain influences at Mawita'mk Society and I have to stop them from doing what they do to my mind.

I know that I have been through different dimensions of hell through different mad stages. I know that nobody wanted me to have any sexual conquest. Well if I had friends with benefits maybe I could be a little happy. I know that I don't qualify for any relationship experiences but it seems that everyone is choosy. If they want sexual conquest they would go out and get it. I know that I don't go out and get it.

I know that I want to try to get sexual partners every night. I know that I want to go exploring dating through pdfs, eBooks and Dr. John Gottman's works. Being inspired sexually isn't enough, I need sex and I know that for the thirteen years I've been here, 2019 I just started online dating. I know that I want to have my own dating etiquette knowledge, rituals, tips, advises and suggestions from Dr. John Gottman. I know that I want to get my own dates since I'd been rejected the few times in We'koqma'q community. I have my dates private. No smartphone, just dating.

I know that I had sex partners but they didn't want me. Feeling like a used piece of meat I know that I don't have any relationship experiences now. I didn't have that trust level with them. Feeling behind in my sexual conquests, I know what a woman wants. She wants confidence, that Hero status of emotional and physical safety.

She wants a man that listen non-defensively, unbiased and neutral in a way. Non-judgmentalistic, empathic understanding and compassionate comprehension when needed. I know that I'd practiced forbearance in my time. And I know without a smartphone I had some kind of relationships. I know that I didn't have any smartphone opportunities. I'd been around women that were available. And I know that I had to learn certain things. 

Confidence and neutralism. I know that I had my fair shares of women but I knew that they didn't want relationship. Feeling like I've never had any but I know that I had some. It's a small portion of women but it's some.

In 74th street I was active. And I know that my step uncle took full advantage of that. I am confident in the present but I know that I have a lot of good listening, paying attention fully and being dependable. I could go into my past and come out of it easily.

People made a big deal out of my sex needs. Everyone is smart enough to mess with my sense of reality. And Mawita'mk reality is an organizational reality. Not actuality. Ontology is the study of being. And being in this power of house is something that I know that I don't get to control. Mawita'mk control tactics and power strategies is making my being simple-minded. I am knowledgeable in ways of Trades, psychology and addiction. Now I'm going into the psychology of relationships, dating and coping. I know that if I show intellectual confidence (Showing what I know with sureness). I know that a woman would want me to talk about it. Something new is what they are looking for. I know how to deliver my sales. My friend Steve have helped me in ways of gaining confidence in what works.

I believe in workability, employability, abilities and skills.

I know that I have a lot of methods, tips, suggestions, advises, skills, strategies and techniques in construction, coping, earning, financial education, psychology and addiction. Mawita'mk Society's control tactics, management techniques, coaxing methods or policies, and intimidation strategies. I know that I don't want to fear moving back home. In my old stomping grounds I know that I'm too old for anything. I don't have any body counts. But I know that I haven't made a name for myself yet. I'm hoping either through Cape Breton University or Nova Scotia Community College, ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute and Nova Scotia Graduated Driver's Licensing Program.

I know that I want to go on a path of fitness, a few good careers and get my full driver's license. Many reasons to get my fitness and walking endurance back up.

I know that I don't have the power or respect for privacy in my solitude. I know that I don't have any respect because I chosen not to be a fighter. It's all the attitude of a fight and the tough mentality to protect. I miss my old apartment and I know it's not safe in Eskasoni. But I miss the independence, the sex and the psychology of my hometown. I know that I have been experienced with outside influence and I want to be independent, neutral and tough. I hope that I could learn how to be that with forbearance, Mindfulness and a inner calm beauty. Feeling like I've been used as a piece of meat. I know that I don't have any women after me anymore.

I'd stayed away from the dating scene and I know that I wasn't online dating until 2020. Feeling like I've been out of the dating game way too long. I hope that the knowledge I read about will help me in ways.

Mawita'mk control tactics and patrol strategies is something I don't want in my life. Yes they are excellent support staff but they don't have interest in learning about anyone's lives. I know that when I first came here I was a miserable mess. I was malnourished, recovering from addictions and getting off of sex. Thirteen years of no sex and no drinking or smoking up. I wasn't that bad off I could've managed something. I was just mentally insane and had no concept of mental health at the time. I did not know anything updated until my sister ran me into debt.

My heaven's coming down. Oh well back to reality I guess. I know that I don't want to remember certain nights with certain workers. They've told me that I'm not their type and I know that I haven't met their criteria or checklist. I know that I don't want to deal with them anymore because that's a good reason to move: rejections.

I don't care if it was my birthday or not. I don't want any special treatment unless they are willing. I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for thirteen years and had no problem like that. Feeling like I've confused my feelings of treatment with romance. And I have to sort them out. I know that I've been rejected and put down easily for their conscience. The workers that wanted to make an impression or moments should've know my confusion. Because I have to deal with the aftermath of my solitude. The loneliness of solitude anyways and the feelings of ugliness. Yes, I'm experienced with rejection but I know damn well that I hate it.

Here I have my stuff safe, room for exercising equipments and weights, bar and dumbbells. I know that I don't have to worry about my life here. I'm guaranteed safe and I know that I have room for my stuff.

Everything is where it should be. But if I had my old apartment back I could advocate for services and Disabilities for my Welfare. Eskasoni Social Development is financial need-basis and my finance for health, disabilities and treatments is what I need. We need something like Empowerment Grant Benefits but for Indigenous descendants that are disabled. I know that I want to learn about my own finacials and financial literacy. I know that I could pay Darlene for services I need. I just hope that I could get something going through my Aunt Georgina. Hopefully I can make a case for all of my disabilities and needs for transportation for rides to appointments.

I know that I've been used many times over the years I've been in Eskasoni. People didn't want to leave me alone. And I know that women were opportunistic and a user. I know that I didn't match any criteria or checklist.

But I know that I was used many times for their curiosity. I know that I was used but I couldn't say anything because of shame. I was shameful that I was a man-whore. And I couldn't really change that. The trust level with women are less than perfect. My first heart break was over my abuser and I wanted hell. I wanted to die in a blaze of glory and go out with inhalant addiction. I wanted that self-destructive patterns to end me and finish me. Feeling like I was cheated out of my youth I know that people still ripped me off with my time and money.

No I didn't meet up with any woman's criteria or checklist because I wanted to die at the age of five. I know that people wanted me to say that I was molested. But I was heart broken and wanted all the dimensions of hell. My heaven became a hell when I turned five years old. And I couldn't really do much but witness things pass and go.

Yeah I was with the latest songs and music became my therapy. The first cut was the deepest and I couldn't really get vengeance because I was a kid being bothered by a teenager. And I know that because I was learning about hypersexuality, inhalant addiction and cigarettes. I know that my world became chaotic and unhealthy until my biological mother's teachings saved me. No I'm not giving names but I damn well know that I've been through hell and back. I know that I've been listening to mental health professionals and friends.

Feeling like I've been cheated out of my youth through appointments, kidney failure, abuse and addictions. I know that I have seen World Peace and Happiness in my olden time. I know that I had been living at Mawita'mk Society without telling or retelling of that story. Feeling like I've been enriched with life experiences and types of hell.

Hopefully I can have new life experiences and other sex partners. I know that I could try but my passion for things is gone. Kind of. I used to show passion in my anger and cultural powers. I know that I was able to argue back and have my life active with creativity, intelligence and struggles. Now I am languishing at Mawita'mk Society and everything is enervating me. I know that I just got to do things. Walk further and get my fitness going. Shadows of lovelorn misery have haunted me so. As long as I'm convinced that I'm happy where I'm at there will be power to Mawita'mk Society.

Racism, classism and sexism plays a good role in my getting a mate. I should know that because I have experience with all that. Getting a white chick is harder than getting a native chick. So I want to get a good native chick. Something that I could appreciate, value and enjoy.

I know that Racist wants me to ask for things. Being dependent on asking I know that there is certain traditions to be upheld. I know that I wasn't socializing because my stepfather didn't want me to. And the rest of the step family wanted me to accept my disabilities and economic positions in life. I know that I'd wanted to graduate and go College or University. Proving that I was a good student and I could make it through High School. I know that I'd wasted my life collecting pop bottles and making handwritten poetry. So there is a little class warfare and colorism with my hometown community. Growing personally accustomed to being the bad guy I know that I've bullied back and had my enemies on the run.

Control tactics, power strategies and patrol techniques is what I know from certain organizations. Discourse in power I know that is class warfare.

A psychopomp is a spiritual guide for the living person's soul. I don't question that because in Mi'kmaq culture that is a Cultural Support Worker for me. I know that I was granted certain influences, powers and intellectual authority on my own life. The significance of examining my own life is to have the best damn life I could have in the present. I know that in examining my life I could go anywhere I would want, with tableaus of memories and past fights I know that I have given my stepfather a lot of power I shouldn't have. I chosen a Mi'kmaq peacekeeper way.

Mi'kmaq are naturally peaceful and socializing. I know that because my real father have socialize more than me. Feeling like I've never enjoyed my social life I know that I was socially abused, economically abused, financially abused and physically abused.