Sticking Together(Kind of)

I could maintain a walk for an hour I'll be fine. I just got to re-start my walking pattern up in this community. And make it homey by doing pop bottle and garbage removal. I want to volunteer for this community by doing Independent service or volunteer service to clean this place up. I want to have volunteer work with Eskasoni and We'koqma'q community. I want to have work experience with Eskasoni and We'koqma'q community like the amount of volunteer work experience I could get. My father would want me to have a professional and volunteer schedule like that.

I hope that I could make my own volunteer and professional schedule up when I do get my computer running off of Mawita'mk WiFi. I know that I have work experiences in Eskasoni. Feeling that I've taken some monies from family. And I know that I was gonna be chosen to have a job with Eskasoni.

I know that I have work experience in Eskasoni and We'koqma'q. I know that I want to move back home but I cannot because I have dialysis in Inverness. And I am starting to get back into activities in We'koqma'q community. Growing personally accustomed to living here like that I hope that I could continue with walking and lifting weights or walking and calisthenics. That'll be my choices during the schedule of the month. I work during the 5 days I'm here. I get $50 every week. Get an extra $20 every Tuesday. I could get more if I could practice the crafting skill of beadwork and leatherwork.

I know that I want to develop cultural crafting skills of beadwork, woodwork and leatherwork. I would love to be a General Clerk worker at Mawita'mk Society, doing little chores and errands, doing fundraising activities and volunteer work. But I find the older I get, the more lazier I get.

I find that I am relying on support to get me started when I used to be a self-starter. I don't want that and hopefully I can be a self-motivated self-starter again. I know that Shauna is a hard worker and she is farm worker. That's a thorough breed kind of hard worker. I mean thorough. She is tough through and through. She's not complaining and she sees workloads at Mawita'mk Society something to tackle, not complain. I am starting to rely on her and I want to dig deep inside and do the job of keeping my bedroom neat, organized and clean. I have worked with Shauna before.

She's something like Candice but farm-styled workethic. I know that she's a tough but kind worker. She is fair-minded, strong-willed, very motivated and professional. I want to be physically conditioned to do stuff like her. I know that her husband and her are icons of mine. And they have the strongest workethic.

I hope that I could be dedicated to my lifestyle like them. I hope that I could show progress in me through their training of me. I hope that I could learn as much from them and from my real father's examples and my stepfather's upbringing. Thanks for the memories Shauna and I hope that you know how appreciative I am to have you in my life, having role models like you. Dealing with addictions, I'd dealt with addictions on my own and with my stepfather. Dealing with family, I haven't gotten that far where I'd needed a house. But I hope that I could work like you. A tough motherfucker who don't take shit.

I am relying on you, I hope you notice and I want to work like you. It seems like you're a teamplayer with Mawita'mk Society and a good one at that. Being to a mother, a teamplayer, a wife and so much more of a role model.

I know that I have plenty of role models. And you're farm-bred so that means that you're the toughest motherfuxing worker at Mawita'mk Society. An organization that has a type of professionalism and expertise in disability. 

Your work and motivation is appreciated and makes me want to stay. As long as I can walk, I hope that I could walk for hours in We'koqma'q community. I want to grow personally accustomed to living like that and having my independence shaped by you and your husband. Your level of work performance is beyond thankfully valued, you're loved and cherished here. And have impacts of such significance to an organization and my life.

I think that if I do move I would want to leave with your standards, quality, heart, drive and love. I would want that kind of self-care into my life. I want to know what level of physical fitness and conditioning I have to be in.

I want my memory to be top-notch. I want to be physically conditioned to do exercises daily. I want a full day's experience in physical doing of fitness and nutrition. Hopefully I can grow personally accustomed to working out at Mawita'mk Society long time and have my life together like that. I hope that I could be more accomplished meaning that I hope that I could get my credentials done while I live in We'koqma'q community, get my full driver's license, condition my body through fitness training and walking. And have my days in good habits like you.

My father wanted me to stick together with family no matter what. I hope that could mold my independence from my real father's examples, my stepfather's upbringing, my Grammy Jessie's mentality and spirit, and emotional intelligence and workethic of a farm girl like you. Throughout my life I have been showed love in a variety of ways.

And I was bullied and had to bully back. I know that people have been treating me as a punching bag. I hope that I could add a garage-styled shed(if i do move back to my old hometown apartment) and a patio in that old apartment of mine. I want the standards, quality of life and home, the level care and self-care, heart, drive and love of your's truly poured into making a home in Eskasoni. I hope that I could get something going for my family. Having a successful Christmas in Eskasoni every year, to have a home to look forward to go to at the end of the day.

And to have a garage-styled shed in that little space where I could build a better garage gym and have room for washer and dryer. I hope that I could get a good job if I do get my BA degree. Living here I've learned emotional intelligence and struggles with accepting this thirteen year journey in loving my bedroom. I want to be a teamplayer(team member).

Yes it's hard now to work in a community that don't have better wages. I hope that I could get a good job and start a good career. A career is a job that is experienced in a significant amount of time in a person's life and present opportunities or progress. I know that my life had a few careers(past jobs) and I know that I hope that I could get something going with a good career. Feeling like I'd been shipwrecked on a deserted island. I hope that I could get fit and learn how to survive. I hope that I could learn from Mawita'mk best and work with what I have.

I know that women have impacted me in ways. I never relied on YouTube or Tik Tok for validation. I know that they are short stories of myself and I know that I have better use and doing of my time than that. It's just for entertainment purposes only. I want to put positive things in my YouTube account and Facebook.

I want to put my accomplishments in my Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Twitch, Tumblr, Snapchat, Instagram and Tik Tok. I want to be active with my life and record my transformation from a fat body to a rocking fit body on my Tik Tok videos. But I have pictures of me with different things. I know that I have a good home. Sticking together and having my life on this side of the island. I know that I have to get fit for all these reasons: to get my second transplant kidney to live a full and rich life. To accomplish more and become more healthy. Walk more is to better opportunities in We'koqma'q community.

Growing personally accustomed to living like this I hope to accomplish a few lifelong fitness goals I have. I did the first one got re-started on my path. To lifelong commitment to fitness and nutrition. And to have a lifelong continuity of fitness and walking hours.

I have an rich online, active accounts and hopefully I can get active with all my accounts. I know that I could've taken pictures with my smartphone but I did not have it until 2019. That's when I started on my smartphone journey. I could've used all these things while living in Eskasoni. But I know that I have to deal with certain controllability in the family. I know that I could move out because Mawita'mk Society doesn't have any leaving policy. I know it's not worth going out and dating because women don't have a grasp on things.

Women have all the choices and I get nothing in return. They count oh that's just one nice guy. No! Dating is overrated and women are not accountable. I've seen this with aunties, female cousins and friends. I know that I don't get picked because men live in a deregulated sex market. The job of being a man is gone.

And I have no attractive qualities or characteristics unless I change with the game. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics because I did not have any sex partners the way I wanted. I know that I don't have any rich sex experience. Poor maybe but not rich. Women find me repulsive and I have to work out, learn off of new rules with dating and fucking. And have my life in a flow of things.

Being at a group home I cannot get a woman. The available women here isn't helping and they don't want to lose their professional power of controlling me. I know that I don't have any attractive qualities or characteristics with other men because of missed opportunities in the changes. The frustration with me is not having any because there is terms, conditions and agreements to the fucks. I know that I had missed opportunities to change with the game.

Women shit on men for plenty of reasons, not powerful or relevant reasons but they have that kind of power. Talking their way and having all the powers to decide who gets to fuck. I know that people want influence, power, success and skills to live life. I know that women have impacted me because they don't care for me. They care about what I have and what I can do. I had sex enough to see how women chooses their mates, fuck buddy, their child's daddy and all sorts of things. I know that I was hated because I was a little nerdy guy who wanted to explore dating. The deregulation of male partner choices in a commited relationship is based on the female power-disbalance.

A female has all the choices. They choose a family, they choose when a guy has sex or when they get to cheat and get bailed out. There isn't any accountability on the female partner. It isn't a home team.

It is whoever gets fucked first. Yes, women have impacted my life but most of them hated me and wanted serious disempowerment or power-disbalance. I know that I'd practiced so much forbearance in my time I couldn't really have a normal sex life. I started when I was young but I know the difference between unhealthy hypersexuality and healthy sexuality. Sexual conquest is the only goal now and these days. Cheating have been a learning curve of what to do.

But most of these arguments are white and black issues. Not Native Americans or Native Canadians. I know that First Nation communities haven't been affected with certain things and they have traditional values and beliefs. I know that Indigenous women haven't spoken up with how they feel about men. And it would be a game changer because I know that in Indian country we maintain to be grounded.

I know that I haven't been able to go out on dates with Native chicks. I know that they haven't experienced that much I think. I live a simple life and I want to be active again. I hope that I could get a good momentum going because I had momentum before. I know that if God wants me to climb that hill again I would. I know that I believe in God, the Creator. I know that I love and appreciate my faith in a Vatican Church kind of way. I just hope that The Vatican can have progressive baby steps into Reconciliation. And work within the means of an apology.

Sticking together will be a process of something in progressive baby steps alongside with working with Mawita'mk Society, family and communities. I wanted to accomplish my goals and I have with NSCC ALP program, NSCC Construction Trades Labor program and Unama'ki Driving School. I know that I love and want to be a family guy.

So a native chick would be preferable. With all the racism in Canada I know that a white chick isn't worth having. But I could be open-minded and intellectual in ways of learning everything about quality, paradigms and security rules of a relationship. I know that I could learn from books and doctors like Dr. John Gottman. I know that I had an extra long day today. And I want to simply rest. Hopefully I could get walking tomorrow and have three walks. I know that women have impacted me in ways of support but there isn't any good ideas with that when it comes to getting a woman.

I know that I have to use and do my routines. I have a routine at Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can add walking three times a day. And walk twice on dialysis days. I know that's been my goals to physically conditioned my feet to something like that. Feeling very thankful for my family.

And thankful for some success stories in the family. Being Carrie and Billie Jean, Carrie who got her wings today and my sister Billie Jean who got accredited. I know that family issues are looking differently now and I hope that I could go for either my BA degree or NSCC Cooking Certificate first. But first I have to get my second transplant kidney so that means I have to work on my physical fitness. Feeling motivated and determined to get that physical goal done. I hope that I could go for a good hour walk.

I know that people these days don't date and they don't enjoy dates. I'd missed my opportunities and I have to start collecting information to get the ladies. I know that I haven't been able to enjoy my youth because most people have deprived me of my opportunities. And I couldn't escape their grip or power over me. In the states women aren't worth it anymore. They are dried up.

So Tik Tok is saying. I know that I wasn't picked by native women. I know that if I was a criminal I would've been held back and rejected. I believe if there is forgiveness I would take it. Equal toxicity on both sides of the sexes. And I know that I'm learning about relationships from Internet. This is where I'd learned: Pdfs, eBooks, articles, blogs, Tik Tok, YouTube and Internet. I know that people in power don't want that level of professionalism to be part of their workethic here. I know that women don't pay any attention to me because I got no women on my phone: only family.

I was socially abused and couldn't make any connections. I know that I was left out of the equation and put in a crippled and disabled position of not getting any. I was disempowered to thrive, succeed or prosper in my teen years. My stepfather didn't want me to go into martial arts, sports.

He didn't want me to go into martial arts, sports, driving and earning. In his mind depriving me would bring me an understanding of things. I didn't need the understanding of things because he was supposed to be a provider. So was my stepmother. But my step parents had me in a chokehold and now I need to work out again. My stepfather held me back from earning a degree, diploma, Certificate and license. He is the reason why I'd missed my opportunities to really engage into the community. I wanted to go University and college. Hopefully get everything I need to work anywhere.

My struggles to get this level of education, job experiences and employability I'd mine alone. I know that I couldn't go out on dates or get one night stands. I know that in Indian country I'm lessen of any attractive qualities or characteristics because I am a native man. 

Knowing that white women don't want me.

That's because of deep-rooted racism in the country. I know that I cannot go Indian country because I am hated there too. Throughout this world I think I'd wore out my welcome here. And I hope that I could enjoy my life without troubles or failures, barriers or tragedies. I was economically abused, financially abused, socially abused, physically abused, psycho-sexually rejected and not wanted. And a good deal of deprivation, periods in my life of malnourishment and addictions.

Hey because of the ladies I'd fucked I'm not wanted. Feeling that I don't get any different lady every night. I know that I'm not that attractive because I don't meet the checklist. If the opposite was true I would've had a bunch of chicks in my smartphone. Everything I've learned, I know that it's worth something in weight. I know that now and days I'm making connections.

Even though I'd missed my opportunities in my early twenties and teen years of no smartphone. I know that I could meet people still. I don't trust anything online. I know there is hacking knowledge I don't have. I know that I don't have that kind of knowledge. I know that I hadn't any dating experience in years. And since I'd moved here my sex life from a small count of women to nothing now. I know that I don't have any special access to women. Being an experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor who has accomplished past in We'koqma'q I know that I've been doing pretty good for my level of education and employability. But I have to work on my physical fitness.

Being an educated Tradesman, Certified Skilled driver and trained, volunteering cook and baker. I know that I want to enjoy my sex life. There is too many bad reasons to keep me in a friend's zone. Whatever that means. But I am not trying and have to learn about women.