Feeling like I've Wasted My Years

Feeling like I've wasted my years in Eskasoni to a degree. I know that I had to make my own way into this world and have all the strengths in my life recognized and used. I hope to have coping skills, strengths and strategies in my life. I know that people don't want me to enjoy my age. And 37 seasons I've been on this earth. I know that I have been working and educating myself, as well had formal educational experience and training and driving. I had a lot of good moments in my life. I know that nobody was willing to hire me and the Fair Hiring practices wasn't being played in Eskasoni. Nothing but classism and ageism and sexism. Many forms of discriminations based on many criteria, standards and checklists.

There is colorism, sexism, classism, hypergamy and most importantly ageism. I know that people don't respect freedom of speech.

And they don't analyze all information. I know that Transactional Analysis is my way because I could keep Freudian influences in my life. And to have a lot of new psychoanalytic theories presented to me. I know that I believe in DBT, Transactional Analysis, The Catholic church and a pacifist's way of living. I know that the Wise Mind is in DBT Training and I know that there are more strategies and tips for coping in that book. I believe in psychoanalysis and the newest theories are Transactional Analysis. I believe in God in my own way. I believe that I could psychologically work on myself through Dr. Philip Zimbardo's works, Dr. John Gottman's works, Dr. Tara Bennett-Goleman and other doctors I know.

All this psychological insights and contents. All this mental health literature and knowledge. I know that I could read everything I need to, to live a good life.
Sexism or extreme misandry or misogyny. 

Both sexes want something: let's go with the simplest creative creatures. Men! I know that because of toxicity of love there have been a learning curve about personal histories. I know that the impacts of having life skills and family support is a tricky thing. Hypergamic racial sexism is based on sex, culture, race and business. But men wanted purity and love. They want to make love to a female virgin like it's their first time. I know that I have a player's history but that don't mean I'm not redeemable. It means I haven't learned what I needed in communication of that relationship. I know that I love, I just got to work on myself culturally, familially, spiritually and intellectually, and physically.

I have an extent of relationship knowledge from Dr. John Gottman. I know that I'm working on books and audiobooks and podcasts and eBooks.

The possibilities of death is closer to the possibilities of men having multiple dating schemes. I know that I don't have any side chicks or have any type of riches. I know that culturally, socioeconomically and physically I'm nothing. Sex is easily and readily accessible to children if taught wrong. I know that hypersexuality is psycho-sexual addiction that has impacted social, professional and formal life. The idea that sex could be done in a parking lot is something hypersexual. 

People don't feel passion, they feel hurt and betrayals unanswered. I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for thirteen years.

I've cleaned up my act and stopped doing women. And re-evaluation strategies of myself as a man is something that I need to work on as a pundit, graduate from NSCC ALP and NSCC Construction Trades Labor program, scholar of Unama'ki Driving School.

Well I'd sobered up and learned a new path. I am becoming the man I'm supposed to become. That means I'm growing personally accustomed to reading, lifting weights and walking. Today I'd walked to the Theresa Memorial Health Center today and came back. I want to be a scholar of my Millennial generation and keep proving my fellow Gen Xer wrong. I want to move back home when I'm good and ready. I want to move when I'm accomplished. When I have enough respect, careers and cars. And when I have enough knowledge for all that.

I want to be accomplished, healthy and successful. Meaning living the life I want to because nobody is willing to live my life but me. I know there is a lot of temptation in this world and I know that I want to start in We'koqma'q community Tim Hortons. I want to build a 5-year career and save up for a car since I have funding for my education.

I know that I want to be accomplished, healthy and thriving. I want to be this guy who has everything together. And have a good job, a good decent first purchase of a car and a good fitness and walking conditioning. I know that I have been living here for thirteen years and accomplished a lot while I'd stayed here. But I am working on my fitness goals and objectives. Hopefully I can knock off a few pounds. And have my life together with goal-oriented successes, graduations and jobs.

There is a difference between need and want. I want a girl in my life and I want to work on a good relationship. This isn't a sudden epiphany but a long time work in progress. And I have to take progressive baby steps for myself. I keep getting myself a fresh new start in my own place. It's pretty clear I have to develop relationship skills in listening. I want to return to Eskasoni.

But with a good amount of money, a good car or truck, if I could manage my car payment. I know that I have to get through a few penalty points. I know that I cannot pay my phone bill because I don't have any incomes. Mawita'mk Society don't want to pay it and they haven't given me a reason why. My sister Billie Jean is supposed to be paying for my phone bill. I guess she gotten tired of it. I know that I want to move back home where I could go exploring jobs back home. But I want to work on my current goals of fitness.

With my second life I would want to go to work for We'koqma'q Tim Hortons. And hopefully not face racism. I know that I'm First Nation from Eskasoni and I'd moved to We'koqma'q community years ago. I know that I wanted to build my muscles and gain what I could. I used to be able to focus on my fitness and walking. Hopefully I can get a second transplant kidney.

Get my second life in me and get my full driver's license, full-time employment and save up for a good car. I know that stress can be a disease maker. If sex is a want-base and not a need-base then you are hypersexual. 

Doing sex for a need-base is more important and essential because you aren't the one who is avoiding psycho-sexual trauma or some kind of trauma in your past. That'll be an obsession if it is want-base. Add extra stress to hide or do. And cause marital problems. I know that I have been a player and a hater. I know that I've cheated and broken my heart at the beginning of this dating game. Now? I want to make an emotional connection and start.

I know that I'm not much but I know that if I hadn't worked on my trauma I wouldn't be wanting and needing a stable, loyal-style attachment and monogamous relationship type-paradigm.

It's been thirteen years sober and and sex-free. I'd quitted everything from smoking up, drinking alcohol and having sex. Feeling like a celibate for now. An unattractive celibate. I know that I have to work on expanding my knowledge for women, types of relationship constructs, and dating. I know that my punishment is being alone for the rest of my life. No woman in their right mind would want to be pure for me. I know this because toxic people want a hypersexual world. I know that Mawita'mk Society is ruining my game. I know that de-strengthening of my early influences is what Mawita'mk Society wants.

I know that old disempowerment and destrengthening. Feeling like I've always had to face war of attritions against my independence. Or something that I have to play on. I know that it took a while to figure out what I wanted in my life. I'd lost my young virginity to a female teens.

My stepfather never really wanted me to outgrow him or outsmart him. He thinks he knows more about life than me. I haven't gotten a date in years and still I know that I'm unwanted. Women are cruel manipulators and don't want to be figured out because of their toxicity. I know that I don't fit the right categories of a sexy male. I am pitied on and have pity sex. My sisters wouldn't lift me up or other women wouldn't fuck me because I am hot. I am not because I know that I've never reveled in real teen sex. I know that I was my hometown's reject and I know that people don't want me innocent. Humiliated but not strong, thriving or independent.

I had a gay rapist on my ass and I cannot get revenge because I don't have the muscles, training or powers of my own faculties and thought to correct my own thinking. People hate me. Mike MacInnis, other people and other toxic identities.

The people that hate me perpetuates the idea that I'm gay. They want me twisted up and sexually bend. I know that I'm heterosexual, I just know the cultural sensitivity of today's societal culture. I cannot get any because I don't know where to look. I am ignorant and inexperienced in hunting for a good date. I have no side chicks or sluts to go to. I know that I'm alone and have no woman to go to. With the Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women and girls, it seems close to impossible to get a good date. People are killing off native chicks and I cannot get any side chicks or mistresses.

I am not rich. I don't meet any criteria for a eligible bachelor. I know at first I didn't meet any criteria. Now? I have a good level of education and employability to work from. I know that with my level of education and employability I could work back in my hometown. And have a pretty good time.

Knowing that I could or might have a possibility of getting a date online is some kind of hope. Hoping that I could get something going for myself is very uplifting. I know that I don't have any car and I am not working. I want to but I need to focus on my physical fitness. I know that I have been immersed into Mawita'mk Society reality.

And I know that I have to incorporate every homemaker's life skills that Mawita'mk Society has taught me, and employ that kind of understanding into my life. I am here to learn about homemaking into a cozy and homey warm winterly self love and happiness, to a spring happiness and self care. I know that people are addicted to something, and I don't want that for myself. So far I've been sober and sex-free for thirteen years, learning about women and dating and relationships. Been sex-free and re-evaluating myself in a romantic way.