My Abstract Thinking part 1

I am a Virgo, educated Tradesman. My abstract thinking already have a systematic and analytically practiced and disciplined thinking and habits of things to do. I see the bigger picture and I have a philosophical tendency to my abstract thinking. Abstract thinking is getting the concepts and ideas without concrete thinking. Practiced abstract thinking is creating no matter what. They haven't killed my creativity and intelligence. I hate Darren and Kendra because they are concrete thinkers. They won't allow me to think in abstract thinking. They love controlling situations and things in a two dimensional way. I know that he loves to humiliate me because I don't have any physical strength or martial prowess. This is my punishment for being at Mawita'mk Society: having no abstract thinking.

In a stigma free environment where professional have to be distant.

I know that I am still not wanting to get close to these people. I want haven't been able to secure any information or have any powers in Mawita'mk Society. Their power tactics, influential strategies, patrol techniques and management skills have been grinding on me. 

Their control methods have been effective in ways where I cannot think for myself. I don't have any independent thought about my own life. I have abstract thinking and that's how I feel comfortable with myself. That's how I feel comfortable in my own skin. They are subsuming my life and I don't want that. I used to have independent, abstract thoughts and feel pretty good about them. Self-fulfilling prophecy and a good control method is something I don't want.

I know that I'm Unattractive in every sense because I don't have a house, fitness, martial arts, social connections, a car or job. Not that it would help out but damn uh.

I haven't been able to get a woman for thirteen years at Mawita'mk Society. And women online are nothing but cat phishing. I cannot seem to catch a break. In my life it had been one control method after another without a smoke break. I wasn't busy but rather not able to get what I wanted in my life. 

That kind of satisfaction from women I seem not to get. I am a poor bastard who nobody wants and have been losing out on opportunities because I don't have no fitness, martial arts, social connections, no car, job, my own place or have any side chicks or chicks at all. Confidence isn't the key answer because I've been confident many times.

Its the hypergamy that I seem I cannot get over. Because I'm not rich or have any normal accomplishments in my life, I don't have any side chicks or women at all. So what's the problem? I don't know. I just don't have any sex appeal.

I don't have multiple relationships or sex partners like my sisters or cousins. And I don't have any chicks on my smartphone like my brothers or male cousins. Simply put it I have no sex appeal. Here I get stuck because Mawita'mk Society takes credit for something I could've kept up by myself. Like walking. I know that they don't have any common sense because they've would've let me kept thinking of reasons to move out. I know that I don't have any one-night standers or multiple sex partners. Apparently I cannot take good care of myself because everyone have their opinions about me. It's easy to care about your job.

It's two realities that don't mix. A professional reputation and a personal reputation. These guys are making me out to be a bitch. But I know that if I was still in Eskasoni I would've had a job. But that's the problem, I am not nearly seizing the day like I should.

I am not trying hard enough to look attractive. I've dressed up yesterday and felt pretty good about myself. Kind of but I know that I want to be this guy who always takes baths and showers. I mean I do have a fistula now and hopefully I can get used of that. I think my anxiety is managed but I know that I want to have free abstract thinking, independent of Darren or Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can get in shape and have muscular physical fitness. I know that I'm still doing walking but not lifting weights. I don't have a home of my own but I live in a group home. I cannot bring a woman to my so-called place because I cannot seem to get the right woman. I cannot seem to get one-night standers either.

Everyone using me to their benefit, just to feel good about themselves. I know that I don't have a disciplined mind and I don't have any relationship experiences because I am Unattractive. Nobody wants me.

I know that in all my life nobody wanted me. 

Nobody voiced anything and I never had any relationship experiences. In my 37 years on this earth I've missed or lost opportunities to have sex partners, relationships or anything. 

Yeah I've had sex partners before but that's not what I want. Darren wants me to make mistakes to keep me away. Okay I could understand that, I'm too close and I have to get away. I know that we aren't on the same brain wave. I know that I'm Unattractive and Kendra don't need to emphasize that. And Darren only controls me because he knows I cannot defend myself.

Everyone here have me scared to move. I know that I don't have any powers to defend myself. And I know that I cannot control these people because I have no powers. If I had I would've had free abstract independent thinking. I know that I'm nothing in this life. I have no powers or respect.

In fact I never had any sort of respect because I haven't really gotten into these dating YouTube videos or anything. On my smartphone they cost. And I don't have any money to pay for anything. I haven't gotten a career or success. I don't have my own car or truck. I don't have my own place or apartment. I don't have any martial arts or fitness. I never could get into sports or jobs. So really I was held back, even when I had my first transplant kidney. But I haven't accomplished anything in my early teen years. 

And I was held back in so many ways that I couldn't really get into school when I was living in Eskasoni.

I wasn't that smart. I mean everyone seen how smart I was with mathematics and money. And everyone took advantage of me. They've all financially abused me. Why should I share because I went hungry. I couldn't feed myself or have tea or coffee. And dating?

The missed opportunities with dating I couldn't get back. And other people that have been denying me my peace, happiness and harmony. I know that people don't give me the human decency of respect. I know that I don't have powers, respectability, early education, erudition and employability. I was taught the professional doubt by teachers in Eskasoni. I know that everyone caused me doubt and thought I couldn't get any job satisfaction because I have to have passion for something. I'm here alone and have nobody helping me because I don't have any vaguest idea how to work these technologies.

I know that I cannot get loaded. Feeling like I don't have any sex appeal. I would've had experiences like failed relationships, dating experiences, sex partners and friends with benefits, side chicks or chicks on my smartphone. I know that my family had been controlling in every way. I couldn't really enjoy my life.

Hearing how people lived their lives, I realized that I'm insignificant and unattractive. Realizing how control methods, power tactics, influential strategies and management skills have affected me. I couldn't have nothing to brag about. And because my step uncle wanted money or something, I couldn't attend school. I've faced many failures, missed opportunities, addictions, periods of malnourishment, thefts, larcenies and traumas. Not once I had a good date, organized sports, car, fitness and full driver's license. I couldn't reach all these things because my stepfather has held me back and so has so many others.

I know that I did not have a normal life. I couldn't do organized sports, martial arts, after school jobs or anything else because my family have closed me off from such opportunities in my younger years. Everyone wanted to control my life in my teen years.

I didn't have the same chances as a healthy teenage boys. I know that I couldn't really enjoy teen sexuality because my stepfather held me back in that. So did my stepmother. I couldn't really enjoy myself because everyone wanted to either extremely ignore me or control me. But I know that I could manage my own life if that's possible. Everyone seems to have opinions about my abilities, disabilities and skills. It seems that I don't care for myself because I cannot take good care of myself like some people. It seems that I don't have any sense of independence at Mawita'mk Society.

They've made me feel comfortable with them because they want to be liked. I know that I don't want to have any connections with them because they've made me mentally weak. My resolve isn't that strong, my sense of purpose isn't that strong. My workethic not proven. My sense of service not acknowledged.

They have authority over my life. I could feel their influences and powers creeping. I don't want them to control my life. They are only here for support if I need it. I don't have Rosie's protection or approvals. I don't have any independent thoughts because I would've felt my own private, abstract thinking. I don't care if they are stressed out I want my life back. I want to go for walks on my own. I want to hate and get angry at this. I want to be this guy who is responsible for his own life. 

Without Mawita'mk Society's care or even their influences. They want me to stay stagnant and stuck where I'm at.

They are taking away most of my influences I had for certain abstract thinking. Now I'm interested in the truth. I know that my own powers to protect myself and to defend myself skilfully. I know that I don't have any protection at Mawita'mk Society because Mawita'mk Society isn't like that.

Nobody is like that because there isn't any real reasons to protect me. Darren has been my biggest problem because he won't let me think the way I want to. Feeling trapped and stuck I know he doesn't give a damn about me as long as I'm proven wrong. I know that I'm weak, unappealing, not independent enough, and don't have any respect. I know that I haven't earned anything and in that he has a more richer life than me. My sisters have a way more richer lives than me. Everyone in my life seem to have powers in my life and I don't have any powers in their lives. And Darren seem to be this guy who won't leave my abstract thinking alone.

Nobody gives a damn about me. My mental privacy isn't a boundary or respected. I know that I've been through hell and didn't get to choose my heaven-building. I know that I've been living at Eskasoni for 25 years. And I couldn't really enjoy myself.

But I've been in Mawita'mk Society for 13 years and have accomplished so much. I've been home and I wanted to move back because I don't like how Darren thinks. Or how he makes me to think in a certain way. I know that I want to have that kind of boundaries and respect where nobody bothers me for any reasons. My heaven-building capabilities where not taught to me. I couldn't recover and build my own heaven out of the hell KJ created. I guess I wasn't strong enough and I couldn't really enjoy myself because I did not have any dating opportunities, jobs or school accomplished. I know that I have to deal with this guy and that guy.

I always get less and held back because I don't meet the criteria for their idea of health. Apparently I could work at Mawita'mk Work Program but I cannot work anywhere else. That's kind of fucked up.

I know that naturally I think abstractly but I don't have to move. I just got to talk it out. But then again everyone knows their roles and moves they've made. They are well aware of how I will react. With Kendra I'm not allowed to say she doesn't get me in the mood because I would seem gay. That kind of prejudicial pettiness is what keeps types of stereotype in women's arsenal. Women can be toxic too. Messing with my sexuality or teasing it like I'm not an intellectual authority. And Darren trying to make me care or say that I care.

Kendra have messed with me at the time we were at the movies. People like to fuck with me and ruined my reputation of being serious. Something nobody should be fucking with. But like I said Darren sees my weaknesses and humiliations. I don't have any muscular fitness, martial arts or any way to defend myself mentally or emotionally. 

I don't have any more self defenses because everyone loves to fuck with me. Torments of my past is that nobody took me serious. I was falling deeper into depression and addictions that I'd seen life and death as something common. I know that I don't have any respect, attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or desirability. I know that all my life I've been thrown to the side and I couldn't really enjoy teen sexuality. 

I had too many control freaks in my life like how I have it here. My sister Billie Jean don't want me talking in a certain way. And I know that she loves her arguments, explanations and reasons. I know that I don't have any reasons to listen to her. She loves holding me back and keep working on my doubts. 

In her mind I cannot apply myself to anything and I cannot work at anything. Ever since I came here all I'd ever experienced was doubts and worries when I wanted to do something with my life. And I was taught fears and phobias when it came to moving. My stepfather don't want anything happening to me like successes, accomplishments and achievements. I cannot have the small victories or better encouragements to do what I want to do. Once I set my mind to something everyone wants to tear me down.

So that's the reasoning behind my languishing. I don't have any self respect or self confidence where I could make up my own mind. And I don't have any free abstract independent thinking. Practiced mindfulness but nothing else. 

Like fuck sakes these two must be in a relationship. Everyone is talking about them and they go into rooms together and don't come out until they are done their little sexual things. Excuse me if I thought you two were in a sexual relationship. The romance and excitement. I know what I recognize and they are lustful for each other. 

Plus they are trying to control every situation that comes across their lives. Like for starters they are trying to control the way I think. And I know that I don't have any attractive desirability in Kendra's eyes, so she has eyes for Darren. 

I know that Darren and Kendra don't want me talking about them online. They are supposed to be professionals but they act like little teens who discovered sex. So excuse me for seeing what I'd saw. And that kiss? Yeah they aren't in any relationship. Yeah I believe that. 

I'm not the only one who believes in the facts that Darren and Kendra are fucking. Knowing that I have felt, seen and what I'd witnessed. I know for a fact that those two are in a self-denying relationship. Maybe it's a power trip or sexual? The self denial part? 

And the movies? I heard you two entered a stall together and I guess ya'll suspected I was waiting there. Having sex quietly? Professional convenience and ease is a threat to Professional Progress. To master one's simplicity is to command things in an easy way. The idea that these people get yelled at isn't what I'd expected. It's part of the job? What about safe work? 

They must don't like their jobs. I know that motives is a questionable thing. They wouldn't leave me alone. Or want me comfortable in this group home. It's like I don't have my own home because I don't have abstract thinking, ease and comfort. And have that kind of freedom where I have ease and comfort to do what I want. It's not my home and this isn't my hometown. Feeling like I've never been in adult freedom. And to have my health-conscious, goal-oriented and career-minded life. 

In this toxic and indiscriminate world of addictions, discriminations and hypersexuality. I know a girlfriend is a sexual partner. Feeling like in this world there are too many issues to not have sex. Especially with someone that has constant communication and talks with you. 

Then again I could be being hard on them. Feeling like I've had an open-mindedness in an intellectual exercise. I know that she could turn me on because I don't know her sexual charms. Plus if it was something sexual they would've wanted privacy. I think I was held down from my free, abstract independent thinking. I couldn't really see how certain relationships needed privacy and a good moments with each other.