A Computer(The Messenger identity)

I know that I had a computer in the house. I had a messenger identity and I could've made my online videos in pranking my grandmother. She was a stringent kind of woman if caught off guard. I wanted to use my YouTube account for music and I had messages on my Messenger window. 

Sometimes I could've read my messages, other times I had to play my Playstation. It was a magical device that allowed me Search Engines and music hacks. I could've learned much from my cousin Ray. And I know that I did not get invited to parties and stuff. But at night I was on it while I had research and pornography because no woman would want me. Even that I would get into trouble like they were my parents.

That much I understand now because I still look at porn. My game hasn't changed and my step-parents wanted me wilfully ignorant. Or controlled. Their methods were sneaky and conniving.

They didn't believe in teen sexuality which was okay kind of experience. I had pop bottles and an financial account with my stepfather, much as I had an financial account with Tully. I had an financial account with my stepfather. So literally we were in business and I had a good deal of making up to do with my stepfather. I had options to work and get out of debt with him. Landscaping is making the yard beautiful. And I was an expert by my step parents. I know building and landscaping, yard maintenance and building. I think anyways. I know that I had little jobs that paid pretty good.

Time frame of consciousness. I'd fêted those times where I had memories of a good time. I know that I had to make my mind a flow of consciousness. Like water and become more real. I am something happy with Mawita'mk Society because it's not complicated.

My stepfather's computer had digital windows or screens of YouTube, porn and Messenger window. I know that I could've lied on my Messenger identity. I know that I was in happy mood and I know that I needed to look at pornography. I never committed myself to a family good for the female. I know that I'm damaged goods and I know that I'm unworthy of things. Nobody wants me because I am such a liability. I have a long-term disease or disabilities. And I have the ideal standards of what I can do with the ideal support system. 

But I want that ideal independence and standards of living and quality of life. Two-Eye Seeing philosophy can be used in this: standards of living and quality of life.

My mixed step family wanted the best for me. My blood family knew that I could live a standard of living. I would add to my cost of living but I think that I was happy with what I had.

I knew that people kept on testing me to fight. 

They knew that they had cowards on their sides. And I knew that I had to fight my way to peace. Nobody was going to let me simply work. Everyone in Eskasoni has controls over my mind. I don't have any powers of perception or a keen mind. I know that I'm affected by people's beliefs surrounding books. I have a belief and faith in books because they are crystallized. I know that I haven't thought the way that some of these doctors thought. People with Doctorate or Ph.D degrees have interesting things to say. 

And some of my enemies wanted me to ignore my reading capabilities or capacities.

I know that I don't remember their names, my enemies. I see that I don't have any respect enough to study, learn and get meanings from my books. Educational experiences of reading my teachers' books was cultural. Seeing another perspective on nakedness.

Appreciating a woman for her full goodness, strengths and heart. Now that's a good feeling. My step uncle didn't want me to appreciate other beauties and strengths of a woman. Like a personalities or craziness. I heard that a woman would be crazy and in that drive a man mad. I like a woman that could keep it real, simple and easy. Not this emotional venomous spitting crap. I know that I have no woman at my side because of the wasted years. Feeling like Doctors of today should've been in my life earlier. I know that people didn't want me to evolve my reading. They took full advantage of devolving me into a wilful ignoramus where I couldn't really enjoy my life fully. Discriminations works in many ways and one of them was to make me think that I shouldn't evolve my reading capacity. My step-parents and enemies had similar goals. Hold me back. I know that I used to live a simple life. Wake up and enjoy my time.

With my experience with ladies is minimal. I didn't have those lucky romantic dating, courtship and long-term relationship. I was dealing with all kinds of women who wanted me to enjoy their sex without romance. The idealism that one soul-mate has been my blindspot. I was hypersexual and I did not have any romantic opportunities because adults were involved. The idealism of one soul-mate has intrigued me to some ways. 

But I am damaged goods and way too weak to be a provider/protector. The ego-investment of a family serves a purpose for many collections of hobbies, personalities, mind games, knowledge, cultural traditions, life skills, trade skills, job skills and labor skills. It's a cornucopia of knowledge, food and skills.

That's why there is a profundity of debt to be owed. If I don't graduate on point and in the age I'm supposed, I become bankrupt.

I will never have my debts paid back. I know that every use, every lesson and every food I eat. I am owing a debt. I don't have any strengths or powers to defend myself. But family is more than ego-investment. It's about deep attachments of loyalty and mutual respect, with complimentary understanding and comprehension of love and meanings of love. What we create is in the mind, and in the mind is a mental space of hell or heaven. It could change depending on persons in our lives. I know that I don't have any genuine interest in any country girl because I don't have any riches. Country girls only marry up and I am a poor bastard. Family serves my purpose of love and the seven sacred teachings.

But too, family is fucked up and thus the social systems. I know that I don't have any muscles because that would've made me formidable.

I know that I would've had to defend myself against my step uncles and stepfather. 

Physically dominating means more challenges physically. And that would mean a tear in the family. Simply because I cannot take a few punches. I know that I have been living proof that everyone in my step family wanted me to suffer and fail as a human being. They'd known that I would've been outspoken like I hated them. But I know that everyone has a past and I know that I don't have any powers or muscles. I'd chosen a pacifist's way of living.

My older brother taught me how to talk to women, dating etiquette, how to listen to newest music. How to ride a bike and how to experiment. That kind of bravery, that's why I have this intellectual authority. I experiment or study. I could live at Mawita'mk Society ideally because it's my therapist that says I need to share my life with another person. I don't believe in marriage or long-term relationships. 

I could live ideally without a romantic relationship because I do believe there is a one soul mate myth to control our male behaviors. I know that I don't have any attractive desirability, attractive qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height. I know that I am such a liability that I cannot provide and protect myself. I have a level of education, erudition and employability but that haven't granted me any woman. I don't have any experience with attracting a girl, a woman or a teen. I am that oblivious to my own outer appearance. I wear clothes that make me comfortable. And I don't think I've had any real luck with women anyways.

I know that I'm nothing to the dating world. I am that little nerdy ugly guy who don't have any friends to hook me up, have any family or best friends who have hook ups. I don't have any respect or attractive qualities because everyone seems to ignore me or hate me.

I know that I didn't get that much dates in my life. Women and teen girls seem to ignore me. 

Those that were old enough. But I cannot even date a teen girl because I am disabled, the women in my life deemed that its way too young to date. And plus I tend to agree because I have conditioned Ideal Male Obedience in me. I am no alpha and my step parents held me back. That's what they do best: holding me back or oppressing me holistically speaking. I would've had my full driver's license at the age of sixteen. I would be dating then and I would've had a lot of experiences.

Bah I'm so used of being held back that I don't expect nothing from myself. I have no thought processes and I don't want to work on my appearance. It's all about my step parents' convenience. I didn't have any stability on my own, I didn't have any routines or safety, I didn't have any dates or security.

I had a gay rapist(which was extremely uncomfortable). And I had abusers tell me off. Especially since I wanted to walk simply to my own place. I don't have any powers or muscles to define myself. When I was younger I did not have any control over my computer time. I was forbidden to look at pornography because everyone was afraid I didn't get it was for masturbatorily reasons. 

Everyone thought it would damage my sense of reality. It's for guys to masturbate and I don't have any pornography for women. I know that people have created problems for to in Eskasoni to build good reasons for me not to return home.

Denny Brian ain't a friend. I know he came to my place drunk and with people that wanted to beat me up. I don't have any powers to defend myself and they expect me to fight while I have disabilities? I'm no bitch because a bitch cannot tell the truth of discrimination.

In my teen years I couldn't work. I couldn't do much but what addictions told me. I didn't want to do what my step-dad was doing. I couldn't really enjoy it because he was hostile and angry. Like it's my fault for not listening. I know that my step parents didn't want me to learn to control my own life. And Ray? I couldn't do much without Ray because of bullies, fiends, addicts and schemers. I did not have any protection for myself because I did not expect nothing from myself. I was conditioned to stay put and not think. That's how much I was controlled, managed and patrolled in my life. Nobody wanted to do anything about my conditioning and mental training. I had to use my coping skills, anger management and mindful techniques for my step parents' convenience.

But I wrote poetry, thought of the artistry of music videos or rawness of them. I don't have any respectability or career.

I don't have any extra curricular activities or any interesting stuff in my life. I had video games because my stepfather wished or thought I would die so he gave me a shopping spree. That wasn't generosity, that was a cop out. If I am earning half of the pay and he is my banker. I should have more in the bank and have all my chores done. I know that if I wanted a $20 I would have to have a reason for it. That's because whatever little money I had, my cousin Ray would take on me. And whatever I had earned in my early twenties somebody would take on me. So no I did not enjoy my own life because everyone in Eskasoni that was my so-called fairweather friends was just using me for their image.

I was deprived of most opportunities in my life because my step parents wanted the Ideal Male Obedience out of me because they were training me to be a Beta male follower.

I was taught to cope for reasons of their convenience. I was broken at a young age and nobody repaired me. They kept the lie up and kept me in that Beta state of brokenness. I wasn't given the full benefits of truth-telling because my step uncle intimidated me into silence. I need Mawita'mk Society more than they need me. I am their source of work and support. I don't have any needs that are unmet except intersexual needs. Same goes for family, they don't need me because they know what's the right life skills in uninterrupted participation in life. My life has been uninterrupted continuance of participation of life. I had only one interruption and that was my paranoid schizophrenia.

It's common foundation of power in relationships. Whoever has the power doesn't need any Beta or male worker. They don't have any humility.

Arrogance and backing it up doesn't mean you're right. It means that you have power to fuck up the system and don't respect anyone. 

That's boundaries, privacy, integrity, workethic and other things in that person's life. I was disabled most of my life and couldn't really excel at anything because my step parents left me behind. They were jealous of my opportunities so they used everything in their powers to hold me back or oppressed me or deprived me. I blame every one that didn't tried or put efforts into helping me get something in my life. Something I was interested in. Like a after school job. My step parents held me back in every way.

So has so many people because of their beliefs. I don't have any rights just to enjoy because they don't want that for me. I know that the Powers of a relationship is what people cherished and value. I don't have said powers because I was trained to be a follower.

They didn't want me to enjoy any powers. I was disempowered and deprived of powers because everyone didn't want me to enjoy my life. I did not have any respectability because I did not do any martial arts, sports, after-school work, more educational experiences or music. Everyone thought I was a rich sick kid but my step family expected me to die. So they went all out and enjoyed my time on this earth. I'm always expected to die and everyone don't make any big deal out of that. I almost died a few times in my life. I'm the sick kid who is expected to die.

My life have been one big missed opportunities after lost causes, after missed schooling opportunities after lost opportunities. And I know that in my early twenties my stepfather, at any time could've gone and set me up with a full driver's license and job. But I was considered unworthy in his eyes.

As in business, family, relationships. Power dictates the relationship and I don't have any powers in this group home. I am considered disabled and unlovable. I am not respected as an 37 years old, educated, formally and professionally trained and experienced adult. I am considered impaired and an invalid. I, seem that I cannot learn life skills or job skills. Or work out. In my mixed step family I am considered unworthy of rights. So I wasn't given the proper parenting of my teen years. 

I don't have any ladies to stop doing gross things. I have no jobs to go to for fringe benefits. I have no car to pay for. I don't have any sports or martial arts to go to. I have wasted years and I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height. I am disabled with wasted years. 

That's been my life. Trauma-filled, anxiety-reacting, working through trauma and misery kind of life. I was an addict and everyone took a piece of me in Eskasoni. I did not have anything to look forward to. Feeling better that I'd moved and made moves. Because Eskasoni isn't going to formally apologize. They are way too arrogant to do that. I don't want any apologies anyways. They do and think forgiveness will clean their slate to do more crimes. My story is about addictions and how people wanted me to stay like that. 

I am undateable, unlovable and not attractive enough to attract any woman in my life. A lot of women don't want a liability. It seems that I cannot take good care of myself. Mawita'mk Society has been highly critical on me because I am losing my capabilities to think. Gradually and seminally losing my capabilities to live my life or work. I don't have that ideal independence to drive, work, live my life on my own. So that means I'm something of an mental invalid. I cannot be that provider/protector, I cannot date. 

My life is boring, full of traumas, anxiety, addictions, discriminations, prejudicial pettiness, barriers, rejections, pains, missed opportunities, heartaches, humiliations, abuses, mistreatments, hypergamic bullshitting and other things of that kind of nature of reality. I don't have any incomes or real job careers. I never started working until I was 25 years old. Even that was tentative. 

It's done with righteous love: my teachings, lessons, level of knowledge and education, erudition and employability. And I was taught coping skills with righteous love. But it didn't feel like that, I was simply happy at first but I'd learnt hell dimensions and loving heaven realities. It depended on who I was with and who I could learn from.