With What I Have Now

Wondering how my life would be if I'd moved back home, mentally healthy and sane, physically in shape and willing to work?

Mawita'mk Society wants executive decision-making powers over me. They sneak it in and they know what they are doing to me. Making me want to stay because I don't have any job security or healthy kidneys to begin with. I'm controlled where I don't have any choice to be employable at. Mawita'mk Society determines everything for me. I know that I'm stuck here because family don't want me to enjoy my life thriving or anything good.

I wonder what my chances would be like with my level of education and employability in Eskasoni, my cultural hometown where I was raised. I wonder what kind of life I would create, build and grow in my hometown apartment? Self control means to use the powers and faculties of my own mind in accordance of my will.

I am still recovering and recuperating. I have to recover from mental illness and live my life the way I see fit. I know that I want to be economically thriving, physically and socially responsible(exercising), professionally and educationally successful and accomplished. I want to be personally accustomed to living a good independent life in Eskasoni. I want to be holistically independent. With what I have now I wonder if I would have a better life in Eskasoni. 

Becoming financially independent, mastering my emotional detachment, being comfortable being alone. That's what would make me dangerous. Because I know what I need to have done my single life in Eskasoni. What other people consider toxic I know that real toxicity is bringing mistreatments and abuses to the relationship. It's beating the woman up for no real apparent reasons, controlling her instead of telling her what boundaries she should have. Being comfortable with being independent also means a certain solitude.

Learning to enjoy my books, my offline video games, my Nerdvana. I feel that I am happy with what I have but I have developed linguistically to a point of having an vocabulary from a dictionary. I want a woman with boundaries, life skills and survival skills. I know that I don't want a fine young thing who is spoiled by her parents. She's good for fucking but that's it. There is no rich profundity of knowledge, experience and life in her being. The depth, range, scope and rich profundity of knowledge, experience and life can go so deep into the richness of soul, heart and mind that I'm thinking right. If a woman can help me think right than she is valuable, loveable and significant.

I know that I want to do it right for the right woman. Anything I do I want to do it right for the right lady. Hopefully she reciprocate and I have a good life with her. But I'm struggling with my weight lately.

I am not doing what I need to do. Work on myself is never ending and chores and fitness is always a struggle. It's been two years already and I'm nowhere near my fitness goals that I need to be when I'd first started my fitness journey. I am going the opposite way and gaining weight. Knowing that I had a stronger workethic and better sense of purpose when I'd used to be on my own. I know that I have to re-invent myself and perfected the craft of fitness and exercises.

A philomath versus a cognoscenti is easy but a philomath versuses intelligentsia is more influential in ways where I cannot defend my curiosity. I couldn't really nourished my mind with intelligence I wanted. I know that heavy regrets and heavy feelings have been like being an ocean. Hopefully I can get something out of my own fitness. I know a guy like me won't get a hot chick.

I know for a fact that hot women who have no boundaries, aren't what I want because they don't have any boundaries or self respect. They will advertise their asses online and have all these famous people fucked and everything. I haven't decided to be incel, women decided for me because I don't have any respect or income. Women will practice hypergamy because they won't provide or protect a guy. Women don't have any boundaries because I've experienced this with a chick. Couple of them and I know that they don't have any boundaries. The realm which they've made me an incel is that they wanted to be fucked. I know that I don't got nothing in my hometown.

I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches. I know that I cannot get a hot woman so I don't try. I cannot stand how I want them.

I'm nobody significant and I haven't played sports in my teen years. I did not have full-time employment in my teen years. I did not have any teen romance or had any wifey. I don't have any side chicks or booty calls on my smartphone. I know that the Morrison family uses me in every way. They'd left me behind because they could. I know that I did not have any license or my own car. I am stuck here because I cannot take care of myself on my own. I know that I cannot defend my own home. I cannot protect myself or provide for myself because Rosie wants me to focus on my physical fitness. I know that I want my old apartment on Horseshoe Drive. I know that nobody cares for me because I'm properly put away.

I know that I didn't want to stay here for a long time but I don't get those kinds of choices. My younger siblings tell me what to do with my own life.

Here I don't have to cook for myself which I know could be a hassle. I just want to relax and chill in my own place. I want to come home to a clean apartment, which I know that I won't have in Eskasoni because of home invaders. I know that I don't have to pay for any child. I just wanted my life back but apparently I don't have any rights to tell a woman anything. So I'd let her figure it out on her own. I know that the inflation rate would shock me. I know that I would be eating myself to an early grave because the more expensive food is the good food. Chilling out to the idea that I have it made here. And moving out realistically means certain death.

I know that I want to hold down a really good couple of jobs and have my life together in Eskasoni.  I know that having financial independence isn't a good thing because I know that the economic or professional competition is fierce.

I say that women wants a good guy but I cannot get any gooder, if that's a term. Leave the universe alone and it will come to you. That's been the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. Nothing good comes from being good or exceptional. I know that I was limited and I couldn't do much in my life because the short-term goals, the mid-term goals and long-term goals are all different. I know that it has been a two-years struggle with my weight. Knowing that I need to work on my renal diet. All I ever attracted in my life was fiends, addicts, bullies and schemers. No woman in my life because I seem to be unattractive.

I know that I don't have the brightest words because my past has been filled with hypersexuality, addictions, beatdowns, repeated malnourishment periods, barriers, rejections, pains and shames and loneliness. Don't get me wrong I could enjoy solitude ideally.

I just don't have that strong confidence in my life because I'm an imbecile. Slow to enjoy the good stuff. I am an Ambivert and abstract thinker. I am an Virgo and a NSCC Certified Skilled Tradesman. I am 37 years old with a couple of collections of DVDs, CDs, Hats, books and electronics. But I know that I have been accomplished and thriving. I know that I'm loved and valued in We'koqma'q community in ways. They all want me to stay and enjoy my life here. They want me to be accepted and loved and valued. I know that I appreciate We'koqma'q community and Mawita'mk Society. I'm thankful for everything they've done and have arranged.

I know that The Lucifer Effect doesn't deal with the traditional, religious dualism of good and evil. It deals with Situational Forces and how a situation unfolds. Situational morality is something to be interested in. I know that I wouldn't treat a good woman right.

Because I don't have anything attractive! I see that I want warm and homey thoughts. I cannot simply go up to a hot woman and ask her out because I am that kind of Indigenous descendant nerd. Hopefully I can get some kind of woman in these countryside. Yes, I am an country boy but I haven't really explored these cities or anything yet. I know that I'm not fuckable because I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches. I am not a musician or songwriter. I am no singer or artist. I know that I'm no rapper nor am I in a heavy metal band. All these hot women go for these kinds of people because of hypergamy.

Why the fuck would I be happy that you'd fucked a famous person? What's the good in that? If I cannot have a pure virgin why would I settle for someone that is a little younger than me and have all this experience?

I know that I don't want any woman, hot or not, experienced like that. What is the benefit of that? I know that I cannot find the right woman in my life because she doesn't exist. I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches. 

Hypergamy is something that has happened a lot over the years. And sex with a famous person isn't a good thing. Yes, I want to meet the bastard but that don't mean I wanted my girlfriend fucked by a famous person. Bad enough my game came to a halt when I'd moved here. That don't mean I want to give up on getting a virgin.

I know that people don't like me happy because they look for reasons to keep me away from girls. My soul is damaged, I am damaged goods and I don't want to be. I know that I've experienced intersexual dynamics at a young age.

I'm too ugly on the inside. I know that I'm unlovable and undateable. Seeing that men have to pay for dating services, I know that I'm being used by women online. I know that I don't have to be the provider/protector kind of guy. My sense of earning hasn't changed, I still belief in a monogamous kind of relationship. But I don't care for women that have been Fame-fucked. I hate that because I don't have that kind of accessibility to women. I am stuck in this group home where I cannot bring any woman home. And I have to be controlled by women because I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches.

I haven't done sports in my teen year. I haven't really enjoyed sex thoroughly when I was twenty. I haven't really enjoyed driving when I turned twenty. I know that I was held back in so many ways.

I know that I did not enjoy fully my own life. I would've had my full driver's license, full-time employment and car and apartment. I know that I did not have anything perfectly done or on point. But I have a level of education and employability that I could use in Eskasoni, Chapel Island, Paq'tnkek, Membertou and other communities I could work. Mawita'mk Society is a group home that has been there for thirteen years. I know that I had a lot of safe and good, secured place. Mawita'mk Society is an ideal place where I could live my life how I need to. I just got to work on my physical fitness health because that's my only goal. It's a matter of life and death. Well I heard that for so long that it doesn't even mattered anymore.

Darren just don't understand my mind because I am more than his simplified mind. 

Death is just a door way to the spiritual realm and no. I don't want to die quickly or now.

I want to live my life to the fullest degree, scope, calibre, depth and range of richness. I want to enjoy my own travels and vacations by myself. I don't think I will get a woman anyways. So I might as well enjoy my time on this earth. My sex life is dead because of certain beliefs. I know that I don't stand a chance because this indiscriminate, hateful and toxic world knows how to make me an incel. Involuntary celibate. I know that I want the women that comes here but I don't know if they are single. And looking for a woman with boundaries isn't that great because women aren't known for that. It takes courage to be brave enough to have boundaries. So I think I have to say. If a woman won't talk with me then I don't want nothing to do with her. 

Don't get me wrong, no I don't want to be chased but apparently I haven't the wild attraction that would attract a good woman.

A good woman is very traditional. A virgin.

My stepfather never really wanted me to learn martial arts because he was scared I would be able to take him. Him and his whole family. 

Simply put it he was a coward who didn't want me to learn self defense because he wanted absolute control over my life. The Morrison family kept me from being powerful in my life. 

I couldn't really enjoy my adulthood, my teen years or my 30s because Mawita'mk Society, the Morrison family and friends wanted me to earn the rights to learn martial arts or boxing or do fitness. I know that I haven't because in my stepfather's eyes I'm unworthy of any truths of physicality. I know that my stepfather kept me away from certain things because he didn't want me to participate in any social gatherings, parties, organized sports or dancing.

I couldn't really enjoy my life because he kept on getting me beaten down, addicted, creating reasons to be addicted, traumatized.

He didn't have the faith that I needed to nourish my mind, to physically conditioned myself in fitness, to succeed in my life. He hasn't been supporting in any way because he has been limiting me, restricting me, oppressing me and holding me back from anything that would make my life better. I know that he had no reasons to keep me from doing what I could've done in extra curricular activities. I played the sick boy from day one when everyone thought I was rich because of my stepfather. He hasn't expected nothing from me and didn't want to do anything about it. Just left me where I could rot in peace.

Well actually I have lived and survived. He didn't want me to reach a certain level of independence because he knew I would move out. I'm starting to hate this place because I'm well put away. I know that I haven't succeeded in my life at a early age.

I know with what I have now I wonder what I would live like on my own? I know that not much people have faith in my self discipline. But I think things would change because I would have more reasons to be seriously self discipline. 

With what I have now, I wonder what my life would be like? Would there be any offers? Probably not because I'm not well liked or well known. I haven't worked professionally in any field or business. I know that I haven't been able to do much because I got supervision. I know that I haven't been able to date or fuck because I'm on dialysis, no woman wants me and I don't trust the modern women. 

I think I've developed a better self worth from Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can have better true efficacy in my relationships. Having power means I have to practice control and management. How to take care of kids and my other siblings is my choice. I know that control of power doesn't necessarily mean to domineer or be the dominant one. It simply means I have powers of faculties and choices in my life. 

Having true efficacy in my life is having true self management skills like self discipline, like coping skills and life skills. It's about having most survival skills/life skills in this life. The power of discipline is my life efficacy. The cardinal rule in any relationship is who ever has the most power they don't need the other one. I know that I've preached independence to my siblings. Whatever they can learn they know. Being a philomath versuses intelligentsia is better in personal freedom and independence. Nobody is controlling information and written or typed knowledge.

The same goes for business, a professional has a set of job skills that the employer needs for the uninterrupted continuance of participation in his business. The more people participate, the more he gets money. Now I don't have a Bachelor of Addictions and Psychology degree. I could do three Bachelor degrees so I thought. Or want. 

Bachelor of Addictions and Psychology, Bachelor of Evolutionary psychology and Relationship psychology, and Bachelor of Mathematics and Science. I want these three degrees because I think I could become a skilled, competent student. 

I know that powers that I used to have is set of employmrntal abilities, somewhat of talents, life/survival skills and core competencies. I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for thirteen years and showed that I was a good student but a terrible to wake up. I know that I haven't the best influential strategists or anything like that. 

What's personal powers in a relationship? It's not saying that you have the intellectual authority over me but rather teaching me. Passing down knowledge. Epistemologically speaking I am learning always multifacetedly. I know that not a lot of people like me but I am learning about personal leadership. This knowledge is to make me powerfully protecting myself in ways. People that don't want me learning wants powers over my volition or willpower. 

Personal powers or personal leadership is where you manage your position on the shit test. I know that I don't qualify as beautiful or anything. But I know where I stand with my secrets. Living with Mawita'mk Society is something I wouldn't want because I don't want them to bother me anymore. I know that I don't fit into their world and I know that I have to stand my grounds. 

Disempowerment techniques are to destroy my efficacy in my standing. I know that's been women's feelings because they don't have any boundaries. The men they influence and the people they have. I don't have that in my corner because I am hated. I know that people wants me disempowered, disabled and unlovable.