Afraid of Going Home Part 2

I know that my family wants me to live with Mawita'mk Society forever. They truly don't believe in my workethic, consistency and energy. So doesn't Mawita'mk Society because they think that what they see is what they get. There are some past workers that have believed in me, still do to this day, and have good jobs they love. Dignity of labor philosophy suggests that I treat all jobs, mental or physical, with the same and equal, balanced respect I would give to another job. The person doing the job is good enough and have job opportunities, job satisfaction, perks and pride in his work.

With Mawita'mk pool table I could get snooker balls since they have eight balls. I know a thing about playing pool. I miss my shot I shouldn't fret over it. I should stay calm and collective, focused and patient enough to clear, align or line up the shot, and shoot. I know that I got experience in playing pool.

I'm buying them and donating snooker balls and pamphlet. And that's all I'm going to donate. I know that I want my friends to take better care of their things. And have their families take care too. And I expect that of my families. I know that I have a lot of good things to use when I feel like. A lot of natives don't believe in choices, freedom and independence. They love to control and monitor everything. At the year of 2010 my sister Billie Jean has been controlling my level of information and money. She has been taking my milk and some of my groceries. 

Everyone in Eskasoni has been taking stuff and groceries and money from my place.

I know that I don't have my own place because my family took me out of my old first bachelor pad and made me rely on certain people. They made me malleable or my sister argued that I'm malleable. And I have to be taken care of.

Billie Jean is saying shit and I don't like it. She doesn't have an mentally stable mind/mood. And my stepfather doesn't have any right giving her daughter powers over me. Now she's power-craving over me and have dominate my thinking, slowly over the years. I don't like it and I don't think anyone wants me to live by myself. Everyone in my life wants me to submit, admit and commit. Instead of having big brother powers and skills, they want me helpless and less in control of my own life. They want me afraid of going home and staying there. They don't want me to take care of my own personal business, my professional reputation and personal fitness.

I couldn't defend myself when I was a teenager against my step uncles. And I couldn't defend myself against home invaders because I did not have any muscular physical fitness. So moving back may seem a little risky considering my strengths.

I know that I have online accounts and have a good savings account. I got bills and I hope that I could get my own job in We'koqma'q One Stop. Learning that I have been wanting to live my life in Eskasoni. And back in my old first apartment. I hope that I could make a good impression on the landlady and save money up until I can fix up that little bachelor pad. And put a good door at that place. Put security cameras up from local security businesses. And have money to buy landscaping tools and construction tools, cement and to pay my baby brother, my cousin Ray and Elijah to work on my small garage, measure out the land for a porch and I need a weed whacker, shovel, rake and other gardening tools, landscaping tools and building tools in my garage.

I want them to put electricity and plumbing in that building. Having a TV set up in there for social gathering retro gamers.

And have enough room for my dart board and punching bag, washer and dryer. My tools will be set up on one of the side walls and in my ceiling. And I will have a small couch and gaming systems and an generational new/old TV. I know that I want to have ceiling compartments and floor compartments. 

Enough room in my ceiling compartment to fit a different kinds of shovels for winter, summer and icebreakers. I want to have some kind of ceiling spinner where different weed whackers are available to unhook. I will have a small ladder to reach my ceiling. And have different ladders to fit in my small garage. If I was to invest in that little bachelor pad I used to have back on Horseshoe Drive.

Hopefully it can store a bench and a stationary bike in that small garage. WiFi extenders in there and a good sensible spending of local security cameras all over my place.

I want to block out viewers in my own porch. I want a retracting roof on my large porch. Hopefully I can have enough space to put a fire place, small entertainment system and a small couch. So that way I could put my bench and stationary bike, weights and punching bag in my small garage. In my porch I want an positioned old TV for retro gaming systems and a new TV with TV headphones. 

And I want a door way on my porch. One that wild dogs cannot get through.

I want to customize and add stuff to that place that I could have an underporch little crawl space to put large ladders and my other tools in there. Like different kinds of sledgehammers and icebreakers. I want to make gardens in that Littlest area of my land. That's how much I want to invest in my little bachelor pad apartment. Playstation 4 and 5 goes in my little bachelor pad apartment.

That's what I want to do to it. Build and fix a good homey place. Apparently I cannot think for myself and I seriously need Mawita'mk Society. I know that I don't have a career or character from a job. I know that I don't have any full driver's license and car. Hypergamy seems to rule these parts of lands. I know that I'm not trying because I would be let down easily. And learning my sex value on the market, I know that I'm nothing to these country girls because they haven't taken the time to get to know me. They have physical health issues, they have mental problems or moid problems. Anxiety issues and hypersexuality. They don't have any boundaries.

Me? I'd learned. I'd learnt to live ideally without a woman. No woman wanted me in the first place anyways and no booty calls or side chicks or bitches. I know that I have video games and music for my therapy.

Besides they will cheat on me anyways. And probably break my heart because they want to make my loneliness real and extremely hard. I have peace now and hopefully I can make it worth my while to live my life in muscular physical fitness. Women talk too much and they are self-centered. I don't think I've been learning about women to date them but to develop a new level of sensitivity, empathy and understanding from Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Rollo Tomassi and Tik Tok videos. No woman wants to get to know me because I am no good. Learning that women want mystery is something I don't want. Throughout my childhood to teen years and early twenties I've been an off-again and on-again addict.

It was the community that made me bad and not rely on my coping skills. In America women haven't figure out what they wanted out of a man.

In Canada women are being attacked and exploited in their very country. Canadian girls have been more conservative. They are the traditional women of this country. And they have been the backbone of this country. 

Canadian girls are nice and polite but that don't mean that they are willing to fuck. 

Learning how certain women are, I think I have been led to this group home because there are limitations on who I see. I know that my family don't want me to move back home. I know that I've been through many heart breaks and guilt. I know that nobody took mercy on me. That's why I'm stuck in a group home.

I cannot date or have any sexual dalliances. Mawita'mk Society and family have taken over my life and don't want me to figure out how much I need to move back home. Figuring the cost of security cameras, new additions to my place like a garage and porch.

I know that I want to invest in my old place. 

But I don't think I can because it would be something that I move back. I was taught to be afraid to move back home. Being afraid of going home has me thinking that I don't have any respectability in Eskasoni. And learning that I have to deal with bullies, fiends, addicts, schemers and Liars. I know that I don't have any protection from anyone coming in. But if I had a second chance and live my life in a sober, sensible and productive, active, progressively thriving way in Eskasoni. I could learn to implement regimen into my life. I'll have regimen, routine and discipline. I am disciplined I just have to use my skills in building a regimen.

It'll be more work but I'll have my independence back. What is independence? Not being influenced by social, outside or other sources. It's figuring out how to keep your life independent.

I know that online I have to be careful and have my life protected by family. I have a large family and they are busy working. But if I could make my life better by investing in my own place I could be ideally living without a woman. But that's the thing women have been sharing their bodies with me in hope that I fall romantically in love with them. I haven't one moment to myself when I was living in Eskasoni. Learning that I'm a valuable commodity among women, I hope anyways, I know that I could step up my game with a new sensitivity, empathy and understanding of women to get over certain things. I did not have any knowledge that was solid enough to make relationship out of one of these women.

It's a big ego-investment and prioritizations of a woman. I have to read more Dr. John Gottman and others. I have to use my coping skills in relationship.

But a woman doesn't have any ideas about boundaries and this kind of ego-investment. 

Financially independent and economically thriving. I am still learning how to have powers over my own life. I know that nobody wants that and I know that I'm crippled by a diagnosis. I know that I could love ideally but that's all men. Women love opportunistically and some are delusional about their hypersexuality. Me? I haven't been thinking of being a beau: a fashionable, good smelling male who wants to be an admirer and boyfriend material by showering and shit. Any ego-investing and prioritizations of a women can make part of my essence. That reason is to love ideally and give my all identity to her. All of this I accept and want.

I know that I have to learn my opportunities in the present. And do the dance and work of being in a good relationship. In my life I know that a good Canadian woman can do. Could there be a balanced, shared powers in a good relationship? Or do I have to give up my power over my circumstances? 

An enemy is a bully who schemes, takes and wants to harm me in every way. They discriminate and use their prejudice for my damaging. They love me in addictions, discriminations, barriers, traumas and misery mostly. There is a level of prejudicial stratifications in our country and I know that everyone doesn't want go see it but the natives. So dating with a non-native woman is kind of difficult. 

The shared righteous powers and shared historical sense of purpose, family values and beliefs have connected us in ways where we have an increased sense of purpose. To live with shared powers in a relationship is considering family dynamics and psychology. I have experiences in ageistic and racistic  discriminations, sexistic prejudice and nerd or knowledge-based bias. I know that indiscriminate hypersexuality can go anywhere and have been leading causes of violence and biases. Being a philomath is easy, all you got to do is learn. Hopefully with a good attitude and attentive keenness. I know that I have family experience sharing powers. Discourse in power have been a philosophical work of ageism in terms of family ages.

We learn from our parents, siblings, cousins, uncles and aunts. We have been living in their care for 10 years. And I know that back when I was 18 I could've been learning to drive, work and get my trade in carpentry or landscaping. I know that because I failed my stepfather in so many ways I have to do the redesign in my Redemptive works. I know that reconciling my past and having a good understanding of R.I.S.E compatibility, women, types of love, types of relationships and dating. I could learn a good healthy way of coping skills through Dialectal Behavioral Therapy, Cognitive Therapy and other mental health literature. 

With my sisters and brothers having their vehicles and trying to get their places. I know the struggles and learning that with inflation rates I have to be stuck in here, sharing powers with Mawita'mk Society and learning my role at Mawita'mk Society. Not to work and progressively thrive but get nothing in return. 

We share the struggles and have a pretty good laughs about it. Just accept the fact that I got experience in family shared powers, shared, reconciling historical sense of purpose and a good deal of understanding. I want to invest in my old place on Horseshoe Drive. Hopefully get my full driver's license and move out with a physical fitness health and martial arts, second transplant kidney and a good deal of money from work in We'koqma'q community. 

But I know that shared, reconciling historical sense of purpose is sharing the strengths of our sovereignty, native identity and culture. I know that we have to make our fights more important and lionize the earth. Create jobs for the earth and have our love of this planet a good understanding of innovative environmental technologies. I know that love of our families and friends have been a common goal of maintaining this earth. What are green rights and what are earth technologies? 

I know that I'm afraid to go home now because I don't have any business or increased level of education and added employability. I know that I could get my Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma at NSCC. But I need my full driver's license, jobs and money saved up, along with a good credential and Certifications in Landscape. And have a professional reputation proceeding me here. I know that my best options are carpentry or landscaping, I think I have experienced carpentry and it ain't a bad job. But I think I could use my creativity in Horticulture, gardening and landscaping. 

I sm not that famous and attractive. I know that women pity me and I have to deal with my choices. I know that I have been learning about women and dating. All this research for a woman doesn't seem fair. I am kind of attractive because I had a few women come and tried their best. I know that I got to appreciate the women around me. And try them out if they want to be chased. 

I think I've been wasting my time trying to develop my blog that I'd missed my opportunities. Learning how women work and stuff, I know that I am kind of attractive in ways. I think I have my charms and sense of humor. Doing it right have been my biggest task yet. Having the power over my life to do it right. That's been my difficult thinking skills. 

My shot with a good woman seems to fade. I know that I'm nothing on this side. Feeling like beauty won't cut it; boundaries, life skills and education would. I know that I'm happy that I have nothing to these country girls. I need my full driver's license and job. So I need my fitness and walking. Besides young and beautiful don't know true values, survival skills or job skills. They have teen drama which wasn't a thing for me. I had traumas, malnourishment periods of my life, barriers which nobody wanted to help out with. 

I've experienced the ultimate experience and got my heart broken. Generational ontological perspectives where I had to hide my abusers and cope and learn to cope with secrets and everyone picking on me. I feel that there is an eternal post-truth reality of my childhood because nobody fully admitted their wrongs. I'd survived on my own to get sober and productive life, first time I was an child addict. 

I did not go Europe or China or Japan or traveled. My stepfather never allowed such ideas to happen because I was way too lazy for his taste. All that work just to go somewhere, no! I would rather plant my feet where I am and have a good deal of activities at my own place. Of course I would have to invest in my own place. That would make it worth the while to stay here and work. Figure stuff out before I truly make any impacts. I am not famous or known through my travels. 

But I know that I have been learning a lot from my books, eBooks and pdfs. Learning that the man is going through difficult times with relationships and dating and romance. A man had to learn a thing or two, have to pay for lessons and dating apps. There isn't any true free lessons online. I know that I have to do my own research and learn from my books, eBooks and pdfs. Hopefully I can build a happy, good, sensible lifestyle of such single life activities and fitness. 

I am living the single life ideally where I don't have women on my smartphone for sex. They usually ask for money or having some kind of scheme or something online. I don't trust anyone online and I don't trust any sort of scams, grifting or schemes. 

So you cannot contact me online. I know that I've been learning my value as the opposite sex. Knowing that I have no woman in my life I know that I'm nothing. I know that I've been learning that women haven't any faintest interest in me. They don't want to attract me because I'm useless, I cannot do anything on my own and Mawita'mk Society has been proving that I'm useless. So has Rosie and Billie Jean. I don't want to be powerless over my circumstances, situations or life.