Recovering, Reading and Accomplishments

There is a shitload of stuff to do. A positive can-do attitude and growth mindset will help out with Two-Eye Seeing philosophy. I know that I have to keep one eye on psychology and the other on psycho-spirituality and culture of my people. Growing up in Eskasoni I've been introduced to cultural leaders and support workers of my people. I know which way we are going and I know that latest information from my people. Growing up in Eskasoni I've been through hells and heavens, to being on earth and living. I am walking more and I just have to lift weights. I know that I can do my positive and gratitude writings of my blog. I believe the fact that I have such a positive experience from Eskasoni that I could rock out.

I am somewhat independent and have some kind of choices at Mawita'mk Society. But no freedom there to do what I want. I just got to be more organized and neat.

Showing self respect through being organized and neat in my place, showing pride and self love by cleaning every day. Taking pride in my body by working out, by walking and being  motivated to do stuff. Showing self love by taking care of it and keeping it smelling good. 

I know that routines, habits and discipline can be something of really showing pride, self respecting and self loving. I've been getting into walking again and taking baths after I do the sweaty work. With Mawita'mk Society I am trying to make a good routine out of walking from or to We'koqma'q Tim Hortons.

If I could work on my physical fitness health I could become professionally, efficiently fit. And have my professional reputation proceeding me then. I just have to put that old, toughen mentality back and get motivated and determined again. There is a lot of physical goals and research goals.

There are several reasons why I don't want to live at Mawita'mk Society. First and foremost, they make me feel like I have to get out of my bedroom and socialize. I have to socialize with the older people of Mawita'mk Society. I hate doing that. Secondly, I have to go where they go. No one gets a choice in the matter and no one takes me seriously. Thirdly, they don't want me to use the right language to describe their power and control tactics, influential strategies and forced shared feelings over my life. Fourthly, they always want me to talk it out and appreciate the power of talking. That's only for dating and nothing else. Fifthly, I cannot have anything under my name because what I don't use I will have to lose it. Another words no good memory or mnemonics.

At Mawita'mk Society I got no game. Women see me and think that I'm off-limits or I'm helpless.

So I have to move out and invest in my old place. But I wouldn't mind getting my physical fitness at Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully I can get myself fit and ready to walk harder for my fitness. I have the intellectual confidence to go into my stinking thinking, catastrophization and other thinkings that hold me down and get out of them. But right now I know that my stepfather has done a lot of good teachings like job-related life skills, survival skills and job skills. Knowing that I have experience in pop bottle recycling laboring, building, lawn maintenance and landscaping. I know that I could use my skills and do a professional job with We'koqma'q community.

I know that I'm happy, proud and appreciative of my level of education and employability in We'koqma'q community. Feeling like I've always worked odd jobs and pop bottles to keep busy until Eskasoni Welfare day.

At Mawita'mk Society I have personal powers over my environment? No, I have to deal with personalities and people that have professional powers over my life. I am happy where I'm at because I have work history, level of education and employability, supports and resources. I know that I am an uncle to my nieces and nephews, I am the older brother of my siblings, I am educated and trained, I am Certified Skilled Tradesman and Certified Driver. I am an Xennial student and have to build my own arsenal of coping skills, job skills and survival skills. I could move and get work in Eskasoni. Feeling like the inflation rate would be a shock. I take the spirit and covenant of brotherhood seriously. But I am an great uncle that wants to work on his physical fitness. 

The rate of inflation, the amount of money I have to invest in my old place, and brotherhood. I know that I love my step brothers and half-blooded brother. Feeling like I've been the older brother stuck. 

The CDs I could've afford through my stepfather's upbringing of making routines and using recycling laboring skills. I could've made more money if I was discipline. But the money I'd earned was for cigarettes and couple things. Every week, after summer work I would go shopping for stuff. My first purchase was a yellow Walkman. Durable and mine. That was when I was on 74th street and collecting pop bottles for recycling for my stepfather and uncle Francis. But I was being reigned in and I was learning the value of money. And I know that my dad was learning and my stepfather's house was coming. I know that my parents was learning a lot. 

When your sober you learn personal powers over your own life.

I want to learn powers over my own life. I know that life skills and routines are real, I know that being financially independent is real, mastering my emotions is real.

The females in my life, some impacted my mature masculinity into manly toughness. 

Others want me to be more sensitive with myself and others. I know how to act with two sides of the coin but I don't want to magnetically pull them together. I know that I have been learning from Dr. John Gottman, to reconcile the two and have a balance of, ambivertly, alpha and beta. There is a state of being Bruce Lee was talking about. "Be formless, be shapeless, be like water my friend". And that's been my philosophy since my older brother Stephen Joseph taught me about Bruce Lee. I know that being like water with Two-Eye Seeing philosophy have impacted my world where I keep one eye on scientific and philosophic psychology, and on my tradition and culture and psycho-spirituality.

No one wants me to be fully understood. I know that women have this age psychological tricks.

I know that I want to be accepted, not controlled or monitored, respect my boundaries and independence, and have respect for me. The comfort of familiarity, the tranquility of repetition, the love and security of life. I know that Rob Shipley was an outsider when we first met. The thing with Rob Shipley... well I haven't quite figure that part out. The significance and value of friendship has eluded me. I took on extra financial responsibilities while I was at Rob and Mari K. Not because I was living there but because I'd visited, by invite of Rob. But he was something, buttering me up at first and learning the significance and meaning, value and love I had. Addictional, hegemonic, influential, strategic dominance by Dodo was inevitable.

Am I to figure out therapeutically, psycho-spiritually, psychologically and psychiatrically, hypersexuality, addictions, discriminations.

To have a strong mind you just simply have to read. I have to figure out my own situation and work towards many aspects of my life. I know that government won't help out because no psychologists, therapists or psychiatrists won't deal with hypersexuality. So I figure the people of mental health figure that they could skip this with me. Real-world issues have to have real-world figuring out. And the Psychology of Discrimination and Hypersexuality should be discussed, written down and worked on. I know the psychohistory of myself and I could use that to my advantage. Tell a storied history of addictions and discriminations I've faced in Eskasoni.

How I am dealing with discriminations now. I know that people don't like talking about sex and the health of it. My family didn't want me to think, face and deal with my hypersexuality because in Mi'kmaq land its taboo.

Forensic psycho-sexological studies into indiscriminate hypersexuality, addictions and discriminations in Canadian, First Nation communities. This would get a lot of people pissed because sex is taboo. My step uncles made it impossible for me to deal with my hypersexuality. Nobody wants me to be right about my step uncles. They tried to make sure that I took the rap for their doings and crimes. 

Or make me look worst than them. I know that they don't want to admit that they are wrong. Or have done anything wrong. Knowing that they are pedophiles and wanting to guide me or something.

But I know that I've been wanting to still move out because I know that I've experienced intersexual dynamics where they were sexistic here. Feeling like I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities. But I know that I'm still wanting to move somewhere. I know that I'm lovelorn.

Love sicken and disgusted because I had to be nice to a woman. Or she was nice to me but didn't want me because of unknown reasons. I know that I have to move the hell outta of here because I don't want to be stuck at Mawita'mk. I cannot date, I cannot eat when I want to, I cannot buy what I want and I cannot escape here because of certain Workers' beliefs that I'm something of a slob. 

I just don't want to prove myself to a bunch of women that don't want me. Knowing that I will never know why, I know that I'm still working on my physical fitness. The discourse in power with certain workers have bad influences. It seems like I cannot get nothing right in my language, I cannot do stuff right and be self disciplined in my own life. I want to get the hell outta here because I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities.

I have several goals and reasons. Everyone here is acting like I'm some kind of ugly idiot and cannot date or anything. Thankfully I want to read 20 books pre week. Or maybe start with 5 books pre week. I know that I'm something of a philomathean polymath and Xennial student of life. 

Knowing that women love opportunistically while I love ideally, is such a letdown and knowing that I don't attract women. Here I could play eight ball and snooker ball. Here I could learn to cook and prepare meals. I could masturbate ideally and enjoy myself. But I was never without a woman and this is the cruelty of woman. Making me chase and work for my fucks.

That's a lot of work where I couldn't stand the groom and bride. I have to say that I could live ideally without being invited. I've lived in Eskasoni for 25 years without being invited to parties, gatherings, weddings and other things. And thirteen years here.

I know that I have no friends. I have frienemies. I know that I have some brothers but not really. I know that I've been through hellish years in Eskasoni. I know my sexual value in this area. I am nothing or repulsive to them. I know that I don't have any LTR because I'm not worthy. I know that I've been learning how people perceive me here. 

Knowing that certain sexistic prejudice have gotten me stuck here. Medically speaking certain birthdays could've been manageable. But without family members that cared for me I had to deal with my cheap stepfather and real father. I had two fathers who didn't want me to go out.

So I have missed social opportunities and had barriers, rejections, pains, heartaches, addictions, discriminations, beatdowns, grief, people hating me, traumas, periods of malnourishment and abuses and rape while I lived in Eskasoni. I know that I was pitied on.

So I had medical problems, cousins hating me, personal enemies, home invasions, types of homelessness, mistreatments, sufferings, hypersexuality. I had to take the brunt of my step uncles and stepfather. With my stepfather I had a good home. Figuring out how I want to be.

Apparently I cannot be anything because I'm too weak, too insane and too stupid... or helpless. There are boundaries I have to respect through Mawita'mk Society. I am not dating material, dating is a horrible experience. I'm too scared to out on a date. Bad enough I have a lot of issues.

No therapist would want to therapize me in my hypersexuality. I know that my step uncles wanted me to fail, suffer and expose the truth-seekers. So I have to rely on books and other eBooks, pdfs and audiobooks for my own salvation. I have to read daily because I am sober.

I got my ALP diploma in 2015, I've done things with my life that have been something. I know that I could get a good job in Eskasoni. With the level of education and employability I have now, I could get employment anywhere in Cape Breton Island or the mainland. I know that with my expired Beginner's license I could work on that goal. But I need to work on my physical fitness. 

I got my trade in 2016 and I am a Skilled Construction Laborer. Feeling proud but fat, I hope that I could get something going for myself through fitness. I am sober, productive, active and progressively thriving at Mawita'mk Society. I have a level of right intellectual confidence, self esteem and sense of purpose. I have this bravery to talk about certain things from my past except my abusers. I think they've suffered enough.

I know that I haven't been able to keep that under wraps because I haven't proven that I've been abused. I know that women have impacted me in both ways, toxic negativity and misapprehension, to positive reminders and encouragement. I know that I've experienced intersexual dynamics where I had to see my biological mother cheating. And my abusers getting away with everything. Waking up to a wet bed and a good deal of hypersexuality. 

But in my chaos I've found go be heavily influenced by criminals that knew how to keep things smooth, simple and ideal. I've been sexually sober and inhalantly sober for a few years. I've been reading The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Matè, learning how old science has this intercultural interconnectivity of body, mind and soul kind of deal. And of biodiversity and how we are all connected to nature and everything. The Amazon forest and Boreal forest needs our innovation into earthen homes. Like Peter Vetsch's ideas but make them native styles. 

I know that I have been learning about innovative homes. And Holme, the carpenter can see into such engineering feats and achievements in daily life. I know that it would save a lot of good soil and energy. Peter Vetsch, the Swiss Architect had a lot of good ideas. I could have a good underground earthen home if I would invest in one. 

I know that with a second transplant kidney and fitness I could drink regularly, live my life more richer in terms of doing what I want to do. And having my own place in Eskasoni, Horseshoe Drive. Hopefully I can build a good professional reputation proceeding me in We'koqma'q community. Build a good professional career in We'koqma'q community and do what I need to, to have a level of physical professional efficiency fitness. 

I want to stay long enough in We'koqma'q community to build a muscular physical fitness health. Meaning to have a regimen of exercises, walking, calisthenics and nutrition based on my renal diet. I just got to focus on all that and I am, but more better in terms of better taste from my cooking. 

If I do get lucky and invest into my own earthen house. I want my basement to have a cool, secret entrance for a personal library and pool table, lounge kind of basement. I hope that I could save up enough to live in my own cool earthen house with natural heating and cooling. I hope that I could have a few rooms for a personal gym, video game set-up, kitchen, dining room, few bathrooms and dry-food room. A laundry room and garage entrance. 

If I do invest in my own single, uncle and Xennial, Virgo Certified Skilled Tradesman and Certified Driver kind of home. I want to put secret stuff in there that nobody knows. I hope that Peter Vetsch's company is still in business. I want to make my home a special home with such WiFi capabilities, specialized nerdy and fitness rooms that I want to stay in my own place. 

I know that anti-authority is also anti-ageistic biases, pressures and philosophic psychology. I know that I've been pressured into not being myself and be a perfect, Ideal Male Obedient child. I wasn't taught independence or figuring stuff out on my own. I know that I was not being able to live my life how I want to. Yeah I'll admit I'm a bastard but at least I'm trying to understand. I'm trying to defend myself against violence, discriminations, beatdowns, barriers and other things that hinder me. 

The Morrison haven't admitted their wrong-doings over the years because they've hated me innocent and a philomath. I remember that I couldn't really enjoy my independence or innocence around Indian Residential School survivors because they would wanted me to fail miserably, at moral choices. My biological mother didn't care for me because she didn't make that moral decision for me. I was completely helpless against all them. 

My stepfather was the one I wanted because he had a strong workethic, sense of service and professionalism, took pride in his job and knew the job satisfaction and pride in his job. He knew the system well and could tell me what to do. John Robert Doucette, been a while since I heard from Rob Shipley and John. Maybe I could learn from him? 

I've been recovering, reading and achieving what I need to do in Mawita'mk Society. I am thirteen years sober, balanced and productive. I am educated and trained in Adult Learning Program, NSCC Construction Trades Labor program and other community, and hometown and other programs I've graduated from in We'koqma'q community and Port Hawkesbury, Wagmatcook and Eskasoni. I know that I'm happy with what I have in We'koqma'q community. 

But there is more to do and I have to get back into walking, lifting weights and doing calisthenics. I hope that I could ease back into workouts again. I mean I am still young and I could workout on my physical health and gain some muscular physical fitness. It takes a year to start a habit or a strict regimen. I know that I could start this year and build something. It depends on my baseline level of fitness I have. 

In ways I'm a bad ass but I am trying to do the research in which women want me. There is a psycho-biological imperative women have for the Alpha Bad Boy. And that's to fuck a loser in ways where she thinks she could change him. He is a boy and not a philomathean polymath and Xennial student of life. I had to get the right books I needed to up my game. My social skills to attract a woman had been halted because I am at a group home. 

My sisters have suffered, I have suffered. I could live ideally without a woman because by the hear of things I have to pay for half of the things while she sits on her pretty little ass. She wouldn't have any ideas about boundaries, life skills and survival skills. Knowing that I would have to cater to her, I know that eonen love opportunistically and I love unconditionally. Ideally. 

I know that I'm a simple man. I get what I want and have a satisfaction and pride in my possession. Well a little because stuff is stuff. Sentimental values are precious, pictures and things that have been with me for years. I know that family values and beliefs are better in ways because Mt stepfather don't bother with helping out in his old age. I know that we are supposed to serve them but they are always finding new ways to help out. 

But I show pride, self respect and have self esteem because I take good care of my things. I know that taking care of my things would mean longevity and well used. Learning that certain Eskasoni and Bostonian people in my life have been nothing but using. I have to learn to live with certain older people. Like Vincent Marshall senior and others.