I'm A Single Tradesman (The Philosophy of Suffering and Finding Meaning In It)

I know that there isn't any virgin ladies out there. Learning that I've lost opportunities for years to come when I didn't socialized with Eskasoni. I knew that I was going to because the traumas that I've suffered made the word "suffering" a bad word. I know that we all suffer every day and night. We have to suffer when moving because that's fitness. I used to suffer for fitness. I used to endure and be tough. See? Suffering makes us stronger physically and mentally. Too much compassion would annoy me. My life have been about suffering because I am that tough. "Tough" meaning to withstand adverse conditions or able to endure hardships. "Suffer" meaning to undergo something difficult, unpleasant or painful.

Fitness is painful and good eustress helps manage the pains of repetitions in fitness. I don't think I value my body because I haven't suffered fitness lately.

I've suffered emotional traumas without working on the suffering of fitness. I know that martial arts would give me teeth to defend myself. That psychological works of suffering discipline in name of bettering my martial skills is worth a while. It depends on what you're willing to suffer for, like walking or fitness. You will face pains in name of physical muscular development. I know that suffering is a profound and disturbing experience. My life have deepen with understanding between the mental spaces of emotional heaven and hell when I became a child addict and sobered up on my own, kind of. There is two types of suffering; pointless suffering which happens with medical problems, aging and someone harming you. 

And suffering that is useful which comes with wisdom, values of fitness and work, importance of walking. Pointless suffering also makes for Cogntive Distortions, Cognitive Biases said logical fallacies.

The logic of suffering should be we all suffer and it depends on how we suffer for fitness, work performance standard and love. Worthy suffering for family, home and honor, lovers and a good deal of pride. To be tough is to suffer fitness, to work at muscular physical development and to lose weight. I know that in this state I cannot turn into my devil self. I don't think I have turned into my little devil self. Devils are at the bottom of the pit or on the throne of the underbelly. And I've suffered to get to sober, healthy and strong. Ageistic powers don't want me to learn my true powers of volitional, personal, financial and psychological independence. They don't want me to have true powers over my own life to decide and influence myself, convince myself or manage myself.

That's Ageistic Authority over my life. They don't want me to have a private world. The Psychology of Prejudice is looking damned.

The cultural Ageistic authority that is trying to run my life, isn't working for me because they don't want me to come up with my own defenses and powers. Eskasoni is essentially like that because they want to discriminate against me. There are so many ways Ageistic authority can be a philosophical works of why I shouldn't listen. The established ageistic authority is cultural psychological warfare. 

They know what they are doing. If you have all the answers online and have a range of human knowledge, level of education and employability, have experience job experiences? Why on earth would I want to stay here? I've suffered with my family being the guide and not really managing me.

I know that the benefits of a personal independent life is sex, work, friends, freedom, my own place and second transplant kidney. The benefits is greatly appreciated.

I know that I'm still learning from my books, eBooks, encyclopedias, magazines, comic books and pdfs. Hopefully I can be a philomathean student of my own reading materials and learn a thing or two about life. I know that the philosophy of suffering is that we all suffer to deepen our understanding of psycho-spirituality, sexology and sexuality. I know that certain family members discriminates and have mental issues. Forced to defend myself and face my accusers because they are family. I cannot get to my inner truths and protect them. That's the powers I want. The physical prowess to defend myself, the mental/intellectual and emotional powers over my own life.

I know that ageistic authority has been established and learning that I've experienced this in my life. I know that there are sexistic and ageistic authority out there! 

I know that I love but family can be toxic. There are two different factions among my family. I think anyways. And learning that my truths are with a Indigenous descendant single Tradesman. I know that I am a loving person because I know that I need to protect my nieces and nephews. I know that I'm loved, appreciated and valued. I know that I have to prove that value in my stepfather's eyes. That means learning life skills and habit-forming skills. Self discipline is a life skill and that is what I have to learn to use. There was a time I'd lived an simplistic lifestyle ideally. But I had enemies that did not want me to socialized and learn. People in Eskasoni think that they know what's good for me.

Addicts, bullies, schemers, extortionists, fiends and drunkards were knocking on my door. Including thieves and liars. Learning that a lot of people stole from me when Vincent posted that I had an open house.

Learning that I suffer less at Mawita'mk Society. I have to get tough again and learn suffering from fitness, walking and calisthenics. I know that I used to be able to work out and walk further when I was young. I am 38 years old now and freshly 38 years old. 

Which means I'm growing up and getting used of living at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I'm used of it after thirteen years. I want to get used of fitness pains and growing muscles. I know that I have suffer in Eskasoni mostly because I am a disabled Indigenous descendant nerd. Some people hold discriminatory control, belief and management over my life. Feeling like I don't have any control over my own mind.

Being tough is doing exercises, suffering fitness and enduring workouts. Calisthenics could be useful if I only used my body for training. Calisthenics is using body weight for exercises and workouts.

I know that sustained efforts and consistent habits could be signs of self discipline, self respect and self love. There is bad suffering or pointless suffering which is unproductive. And there is good suffering or useful suffering which is growing muscular physical development. I know that I have a good deal of experience in fitness because my step uncle Chuck told me to exercise and he kept me motivated and determined. How?

I don't know how. But I know that my step family have gotten me walking, exercising during the evening and lifting weights. Investing my time into my muscular physical development and spending my energy into working on my body.

I know that emotionally I've suffered because of my step uncles. But I know that they produce results and I need to figure out a method of producing results on my own. I know that I have been learning to relax in my bedroom.

My thing is I care and I want to be tough again. I want to put love and meaning into my suffering. How I make meaning out of my suffering will define my future actions. 

Present goal-orientation is to aim at my own muscular physical development through fitness, weight training and calisthenics. 

Hopefully I can work out until I can feel strong and something with my body. There is a level of experience I am talking from with fitness and I know that I have a level of physical fitness to work from. Hopefully I can feel the energy of the music and work out. I know that certain family members love to blame. Something like my step uncle Dodo.

I know that I love unconditionally and ideally. But some family are toxic and I have to stay away from them. Controlling measurably my expectations and aims I know that these family members wants to have absolute control over my life.

I know that I'm hated by certain family members. And I know that they pretend because they don't want accountability or responsibility on their part. Learning that I don't want to be intoxicated because it would lead to certain indiscriminate hypersexuality. I know that I have to take accountability and work towards Redemptive works. I know that I'm still so far away from heaven because I got this type of discrimination hanging over me. I won't be accepted into other families and I know that I'm hated. My step uncle is one of the leading cause of my hypersexuality. The first one is a teen female when I was a child addict.

I know that I don't have any respect because I did not earned it and my family wanted me to be disabled. I know that my pride is on the line and I know that I love my family; toxic, stupid or innocent. I think I am toxic and I know that I am learning.

There is useful suffering or pride and job satisfaction from work. Which you can learn to enjoy and find co-workers to talk with. I know that I'm still wanting to professionally develop my Retail Certifications and have my own hometown home after I've built a professional reputation proceeding me in We'koqma'q. After I have worked on my full driver's license and physical fitness. After I get my second transplant kidney. I know that I get to use my weights and do calisthenics. I know that I have self esteem, self respect and self love to do all this. I know that I found some ways to deal with my frustration productively and deal with my extra energy(if I have any) through my walking and weights.

I know that I have been living here for thirteen years and accomplished many things over the years. I know that I have a love for We'koqma'q community and Eskasoni. I have a love for Paq'tnkek community.

I don't think I want to move back to my hometown. I know that I want to get a good business going with some kind of trade. There is cleaning service, carpentry business team, plumbing service, electrical service, landscaping service. Just to name a few trades that I could get into. I know that I have a foundational knowledge of Trades. And in my understanding of my abilities I have a good understanding of Trades because of certain family. I know that I have to learn a thing or two about working as a Skilled General Laborer. I have a Certificate of Accomplishment saying that I have succeeded in learning the requirements of the program.

I know that I am hated because they don't want a Indigenous descendant, single nerdy Tradesman living his life in a good productive way. I know that u have to work towards my independence and personal life.

When I was living in Eskasoni by myself I was simple, happy and good with the jobs and Eskasoni Welfare I had. I could've used GST checks and Christmas bonus checks over the 7 years I was living in Eskasoni on my own. I know that now I have a lot to consider. I know that I could've used a cellphone in Eskasoni and have my own place. I know that throughout the 7 years I was living on my own there was this gay guy who persisted that I was gay when I was fucking ladies. I know that I did not have any respect from this gay guy because everyone wanted him to rape me. And as a small nerdy little guy I had to deal with their prejudice. The true powers over my own life nobody wants because they refuse to let me live my life in Eskasoni.

So that's why I am not moving back to Eskasoni. I was deprived of personal powers in Eskasoni. I was being bullied and discriminated against.

I know that certain personal enemies gotten intimate with me. Real-world issues of people wanting to take my personal powers over my life like my uncle Dodo. Make me hypersexual where I cannot control it and make me the villain. I don't blame him but I know his influential strategies and forced shared feelings. I know that old power tactics and control methods. 

I know that I don't have any ways to manage my own life because Mawita'mk Society isn't teaching me about my medicine list, about my health and level of independence. And Dodo is teaching me to be an bad ass. I know that I had this anger from a broken heart. I know that as a single Tradesman I could look for work and work on myself. There is room for improvements and I know that Rosie doesn't believe that. I know that I don't have any protection from certain people in Eskasoni. I know that I could exercise and physically conditioned myself to fight.

I just have to stop making excuses up and start lifting. I know that I got a level of physical fitness. I know that I've walked far and had my own meal plans before. I just have to stop making excuses and take more accountability to my name. My biological mother wouldn't of let me go that far with excuses. She would've been hard on me and got me walking from 74th street to Beach Road.

I have to start with my old discipline and keep with the one cup per day. Yeah it's hard but I had harder times and this is good as it's going to get. I am going to suffer buy its all for a worthy cause. I want to live my life and have my second chance. Right now I could be exercising. I know that I need physical fitness and to keep up with my upkeep.

I have to empty out my knowledge, turn the page and reconcile my past with the present. I know that I have a lot of knowledge. I just know that in Eskasoni I want to live because I know that I have a better shot at getting dates on my own. Learning that Mawita'mk Society has anti-franternization policies and I cannot bring a date here. I know that I want to move out and appreciate my second transplant kidney. 

I am an single guy, a Certified Skilled Tradesman and Certified Driver. I just got to practice what I've learned. I know that I have agood level of education to go by. And I have a pretty good portfolio. I wish I had my fitness because than I wouldn't have to worry going backwards. Jennifer is a good influence, so is some of the support workers. I don't want to move into a hospital. I have to start taking responsibility and do my fitness, drink one cup per day and have walks three times a day.

My favorite character on Star Trek was Lieutenant Worf who have a interesting psycho-historic story to the canon to hoe psychological works and traditional knowledge of human and Klingon minds can benefit greatly from Yogis, Gurus and other masters of earth. 

Worf has taught me to honor my parents and to see struggles as a challenge. So really Lieutenant Worf has taught me Growth Mindset and my stepfather has taught me Can-Do attitude. So did Worf but he was more complete with what direction I wanted to go. 

My mom and stepfather has taught me coping skills and mental health knowledge. Epistemologically speaking I was learning forbearance and coping skills. While my biological mother has taught me Witness Emotional/Mindfulness Meditation, I was learning from others to use my coping skills and virtues. They picked out what fitted my mind and trained instincts into a peaceable and well educated pacifist. Violence is only necessary when all other options isn't available. 

Under the section 34, of the Criminal Code in Canada we are allowed under reasonable grounds and evidence-based threats, to use force in self defense. I know that I don't like fighting and I know that I want to accomplish so much in my life. To stop workplace violence and harassment, to make sure I choose the right people for my little business ideas. And to live my life in trained and educated pacifism. 

I know that I have to learn what's workable, viable and usable in my country. I know that I have a lot of teachers and students in my life. We all suffer and in this social reality we have to learn Meditation, Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, Interpersonal effectiveness and distress tolerance. These coping skills could help RCMP to accept their roles in our shared country. Having these skills and education we can say that anxiety for murdering a officer is ameliorated and alleviated. 

Understanding meaning can be complicated and we don't have our own meaning and function if we don't have employment and feelings. We make meaning out of our suffering and what function that plans. We can learn to witness while suffering what RCMP officers are doing. Learning to reach mutual acceptance of native country. We have to be creative and constructive in ways where we build shared trust, mutual acceptance and shared country. 

I know that I haven't been able to attract a lot of women into my life because the women I've slept with controlled my sex life. I know that I don't make a good lover because physically I haven't exercised. I know that I've been out of shape for the longest time. I know that emotional literacy can help out in seeing my own emotional reality. 

At Mawita'mk Society I'm romantically alone. My stepfather doesn't want to admit that because I don't think he wants me fit. He is scared and terrified of me getting stronger. I know that I'm not ambitious or motivated the way I want to be. Directed into am active lifestyle where I can do fitness(calisthenics, weight training and core strength training). 

I have been learning fitness from online resources and from team mates and others. People are afraid of me getting stronger, train harder and have my boxing science down right. I know that I did not have any respect because I couldn't do much to participate in any organized sports. My stepfather has failed me in ways where I couldn't really enjoy and take pride in my fitness. 

I couldn't really say that I'd belong or had any respect. My stepfather didn't want me to have the right powers over my own life. Learning that consequence, I know that I never was anywhere near attractive enough to get the girls, or have any dates. I was forbidden to live my life fully and ideally. 

Yeah we all suffer and yeah, I was beaten and abused a few times that my stepfather doesn't know. I know that I haven't told him who has abused me. I know that I'm not economically thriving or socially thriving. I haven't any jobs when I was a young punk. And I haven't any dates when I was young. I was socially abused by these young ladies, by the Step family and Mawita'mk Society. 

It's been thirteen years at Mawita'mk Society and nothing has its benefits. Happy or not I'm stuck here because there are too many variables in society to risk such a move. Inflation rates, psychology of Prejudice and Discrimination in society, the beatings and barriers. The mass violence of racistic, sexistic, prejudicial and biased people. Growing up in Eskasoni I was kind of protected in ways.

My friends left me out of their little circle and I couldn't stay out late at night anywhere. I did not party or enjoy dates. I did not have any jobs or school to go to. I did nothing but wrote poetry. I lived ideally because I had my very first game console which was a Playstation back in the 90s. I'd lost my Original Kidney back in 1995. That's when I went on a shopping spree and made the best out of those moments. 

I got my first Original Playstation, Five-disc CD player, cassette player and radio and aux stereo. I had gotten my own TV and cable in my bedroom. Sometimes I would have three meals a day and a new game every birthdays and Christmas. I owe my parents more than a discount on landscaping, carpentry and laboring and cleaning. They've motivated me to stay alive and work on myself. 

I know that that's not what they've intended but that's how I was determined to live. I know that in my past I was willing to do anything and everything to make it my own thing. My stepparents haven't really fully appreciated my willpower and powers over my own life. Learning that I was able to have any bedroom I wanted and I could've made more money. I know that my stepparents was my bankers, my providers, my coaches in fitness, my protectors and my teachers. They've been my parents which parenting styles go, I had the best of the best. 

Learning that I was happy and had my own things. I knew that my family wasn't going to leave alone my things. I know that I was loved, appreciated and valued because they wanted me to have birthdays until I was 13 years old. I wanted to celebrate my birthday until I'd died. 

But I'd grew up and I knew that my birthdays was over. That's where Mawita'mk Society comes in. I started to celebrate my birthdays at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I gotten my first Xbox 360 from my step parents and family. I kept on celebrating my birthdays at Mawita'mk Society for thirteen years. And it looks like I'm going to keep celebrating my birthdays until I can get my games for Playstation 5. 

I have my Nerdvana bedroom. I know that I just need a chick and my fitness. Hopefully I can lose weight the healthy way. Learning that fitness and walking are the best ways to burn off food like fuel. I know that I've suffered pointlessly longer in Eskasoni. People cared but fiends, addicts, misers, thieves, cowards, bullies and schemers are a miserable bunch. There are 4,000 people in Eskasoni or so. I cannot risk that kind of life. I just need a chick to clear my head. 

I got what I deserve and I don't always get what I want. Two philosophy of life went by. I know that I'd loved and had lovers but nobody wanted me happy. They wanted me destroyed and harmed and poor. They always wanted my money and I couldn't get girls in my old apartments because they were always doing other guys. I'd broken too many hearts so sone might say. 

I know that I hadn't different women every night. I know that I was taught to work but I couldn't even do that. Firstly I was uneducated from Eskasoni school system. I always had appointments, fights and summer yard chores my dad gave me. 

I could give less of two fucks because I was ideally happy. I know that my paradise was two cups of small double, double. A good donut and a good walk. My sisters taught me what I call electronic screen walking. A mindfulness technique where I could walk the park and have a good time doing it too, by doing Pokémon app. 

But my step uncle has talked and talked my ear off by walking. Pointless suffering but I kid. It was mindful useful suffering. My step uncle Chuck has taught me that technique and showed me around Sydney where I'd learnt the locations of CD R Us and other places. 

What makes a woman miserable is having everything she ever wanted. I usually find happiness in doing and feeling that sense of accomplishment during the day. The Littlest doing can make a difference. Like doing my bed and organizing a bit. 

But I know that doing dating isn't a great way to get to know certain people. I don't want certain workers to know my past because of prejudgments and preconceptions from prejudice and discrimination. I know that I have to be careful with my past because if certain biased sexistic and ageistic, racistic and classistic tendencies. 

Exploiting trauma is a prejudicial treatments. Mawita'mk Society is supposed to be stigma-free and drug-free, alcohol-free and abuse-free. I know that trauma can undermine relationship dysfunctionalities, morality and crises in conscience, sense of reality and a healthy mind. My step uncle knew this because he wanted me addicted and suffering. Every happy family is all alike, every miserable family are unique.

Dodo has forced his beliefs and wants in me. He wanted me to be something that I couldn't be. Constrictionary grip over my mind has been something blinding from my goals. Things got murky and he wanted me to get vengeance through hypersexuality. Violence to silence my mind has been Dodo's specialty. And Ray has been part of my influences too. 

Which undermining powers to convince and abuse freely have been emotionally charged reactions to how family can be abusive, corruptive and demoralizing. Their rationalization when drinking and drugging has been twisted, and they don't want to delve further into truths of mental health knowledge. My step uncle has abused me and I couldn't validate it because he has worked on me for years. 

Shaping, molding and creating his lies in me. I know that he has been limiting my ability to access truths. Powers directed at me was that I am inexperienced because he wanted my life to be hyper-independent, hyper-sexual and poor financially and wants me to think how he wanted me to think. For years he had time with me and I no forms of abuses? He is a classic abuser and don't need to worry because truth was hidden well. 

For years guys like that was getting away with abuses in their community. How that works is that he finds similar people willing to support him. I know that kind of corruption can demoralized a teenager into thinking he is insane. This paranoid schizophrenia can be an emotional manifestation of past stresses, traumas and other mistreatments unmet. 

But how grief works and many misconceptions about grief. I know there isn't Five Stages of Grief but Five Stages of Death. So grief will be part of my life and I know that if I accept that I could function as a normal human being. To diagnose Complicated Grief or Compounded Grief, is to understand that how much losses I've suffered in such a short period. And even if I had complications with certain family members. What were they and how to address such issues? 

I know that I've been treated for stress from Inpatient Mental Health and Multidisciplinary. That was Sydney's psych ward. It was a good place and I know that I had a lot of good moments in there. 

But mental health is something that can be perfunctory. A medicalized mechanical problem where people don't make you feel safe and sound. Supported ans secured. Mawita'mk Society guarantees that because they have a passion for their job. They always want to make sure I understand the choices, supports me and makes me feel safe. The modus operandi that Mawita'mk Society operates from is a good influence in my life. 

There could be an Alexithymia where I'm disassociated with myself and Dodo have worked on me all those years. Traumatic punishments can undermine my efforts and will. My well intended efforts and conscious will. A dysregulated mind can be less effective but I hate the guy and I want him to suffer. But like I said trauma can have these kinds of effects on people. And my step uncle is one of them. 

I could be weaken and disempowered from truths. But that would mean break of contacts from reality. Which my paranoid schizophrenia can have that kind of effects on me emotionally because of shame and guilt. Learning how debilitating shame can be, how crippling it can have on a person, I know that anger and hate can control the situation. I know that certain systematic(family/group/clique) sexistic, ageistic, racistic and classistic people can have that kind of undermining authority over my life. 

I have my faith, trust and confidence in God. And I have a place to live, I have a level of education and employability to go by, I have my goals of fitness, goals of becoming fully licensed driver and a car. I have my things like Playstation 4 and 5, I am ideally enjoying this lifestyle where I can go online and have a good time. I have a goal of getting a chick. 

I could understand the fears of a good woman, not a traditional woman but a good woman. I know that I have been living with Mawita'mk Society happily, appreciative and lovingly. But I have stayed here for thirteen years and not got a date yet. I think I had women opportunities but I know that the fears of a good woman is clear. Cheating and hypersexuality is the worry.