Ladies In My Life

They say that elders are wise. They hold the powers for independence and they ain't supposed to. Allowing us using knowledge and skills from experience is learning that I value my elders. All except my biological mother. She wasn't truthful and that damaged my relationship with my old man and stepfather. I was taught Small Engine repair by an elder but I did not learn anything. I know that something isn't right I want to fight. My instincts to fight with Other Authority in my life has been struggling with my rebelling heart, anti-authority mind and trained instincts. Barbara has gotten me listening to my biological mother.

But my biological mother have taught me to never give up. I know that I was learning to ration my water bottle and learning to be mindfully focused on the exercise. I know that my biological mother have taught me to get out of my head.

And let the flow of things happen because I had common sense. I used to have a peaceful and happy mind when my grandmothers were alive. There is two types of suffering: pointless suffering and useful suffering. 

Depending on how you make meaning in your life. Learning that meanings make the strengths and powers of my shared lifestyle where I had an active family system. Taking pride in what I've suffered for in a useful way I know that my biological mother have been living with guilt. Which is pointless suffering. 

Old ladies always gets to the truths of children. And I know that I've learned that I have emotional tolerance, mindfulness, emotional intelligence, emotional literacy, interpersonal effectiveness and distress tolerance.

I know that suffering physically for fitness and muscular physical development is a good thing. Determined and motivated.

I know that I am loved and have been aimed by the collective strengths of the family to go for physically conditioned repetitions of sustained efforts of fitness. To make a progressive thriving muscular physical developments of my body and keep the consistent level of habits growing into a good discipline. To evolve into a musculature of a type of bodybuilders. I want to be have core strength to muscular endurance and strength. 

I want to have Bruce Lee muscular physical fitness and muscular physical developments. I know that I have tons of reasons to get in shape and willingly to develop my body. I think I'm changing for a better Growth Mindset, Can-Do attitude and attentive resourcefulness.

If a woman wants me, she's going to have to be a bushcrafter, word crafter, woodscrafter, builder of homes and other survival stuff. She's gonna have to be a lot of things.

Together I want to build our home. A log house like the one in God of War. But somewhere I can build a life. I want to hunt, build, butcher(if I can). I want to snare, fish, track, trap. I want to be able to identify edible plants, berries, mushrooms and how to clean all that. I want to be an Outdoorsman, I want to be a married bushcraftman( traditionally Mi'kmaq way), I want to build my own outdoor gym with durable sandbags, weather-proof weights and speed-bag. I want to put electricity and plumbing throughout my homestead.

I need space for a butcher/cleaning shed near by. Fitness area, food storage area and kitchen area, a sturdy, big comfortable bed in my cabin. Have a bathroom or an outhouse near by. Ot have both just in case I have guests. I am an single Tradesman and I haven't really gotten myself into action for a long time.

I want a bushcrafter's homestead stuck in the ground cement mudding, and a log home cabin-style wooden walls and roofing, spacious place for soundproofing and insulation. So yeah I will be buying that kind of stuff from Home Depot or some place. In my cabin I am hoping to put a storage closet in my cabin bedroom. I am hoping to put one bedroom and bathroom in my home. That's if I can get my own patio of porch going. I want enough space for a lunge area, barbecue and fireplace. That'll be my home for single life or when I need a building project. I was hoping to build my own place in a hill-like spacious area. High above and a good spot where I can build sheds, gazebos, hammock, butchering/cleaning area in the land.

I know that I like my options in my life. Wood-chopping area and shed near by. I know that I want a land area spacious for trekking with four-wheelers and dirt bikes.

This shed would be used for storing wood. I want to make a good cabin in my life. Space enough for livingroom, workout area(punching bag, Speed bag, weights, bench and a stationary bike), dart board and pool table. A good sizeable TV mounter and TV. A bedroom and a good sensible bathroom. My step family tends to rip me off with a good quality standard work. So I'll have to figure something out. That's if I do get my second chance and fitness. A few guest bedrooms just in case my brothers show up. I got a bad financial reputation because of certain people in my life. So I'm freeing myself from these First Nation communities and reclaiming my treaty rights.

My main team of carpenters  would be my baby brother Sonny, Ray, Autwen and Will. If I could get my fitness going and get on the damn transplant kidney list. I'll hopefully get a second chance at life and have my own place.

I know that I'm not economically sound on my feet because I have a failed kidney. I know that nobody is teaching me about cars and stuff like that. I know there is a frame, a car electrical and computer system and other systems in a car. The word "system" means "a set of things working together as parts of an mechanism or an interconnecting network. Or a set of principles or procedures according to which something is done; an organized framework or method. There are questions I have for an Charitable organization that has an ideal support system. Their methods have been letting me live comfortably and with clothing checks, food and medicine, injection and dialysis, a roof over my head and my own collection of things.

Am I useful? I haven't proven myself yet and my stepfather, learning that he doesn't have any faith or confidence or trust in my life skills on my own.

In my hometown's economic system I haven't proved to be smart enough to thrive on my own. I know that I had couple of hustles going or legitimate business transactions going for home improvement service. Like handyman stuff to construction or cleaning service. I know that here I'm safe and sound at Mawita'mk Society. But I haven't really proven myself in my hometown because I did not have any formal training. But I had community training from my family supportive system. I have someone to talk to about my issues. I know that my biological mother did not want to make meaning out of my suffering. Or tried to force meaning out of my suffering.

My family as a collective have been trying to make me tell the truth for the longest time. And I know that my grandmothers have learned the truths of my past child addictions.

I know that I am loved and everyone here wants me to be stern with myself. Be strong enough to follow the one cup rule. It's September 18th, Monday/2023 and I have accomplished a great deal in a few years. And I want to test out my knowledge with NSCC Carpentry Certificate program and NSCC Carpentry Diploma program. To get a solid foundation or reputation of being in trades. I hope that I could become a professionally Skilled Tradesman enough to get these credentials and licenses and Red Seal papers. And to have my own business. I have knowledge for personal reasons, and to learn from my experience.

I want professional expertise in trades and business in Nova Scotia. Hopefully I can contribute to We'koqma'q Economic System. And get myself something nice. Hoping in my life I could start economically thriving and personally evolving into a fitter person.

I have a foundational knowledge and experience for building principles in making a shed. I have a few of them under my belt, I have a few building experiences under my belt. My life experiences in Eskasoni have taught me to build and develop skills in construction safety, building codes and safety culture in trades. I know that I'm building on top of my life experience in Eskasoni. I know that I have to build the floor of the shed and than frame the walls. I know that the roof would have to be on something sturdy. So four walls nailed and hammered. I know that the four framed walls have to have king studs. I hope that I could build a shed.

I know that I hope that, with Internet and my formal training, with my experience with Eskasoni and having a family that knows how to build. I hope that in my life I could build something on my own. And have my own specialization in carpentry.

I don't have a long career. I am 38 years old and I should've started in my twenties. But the level of success I have is not of great importance. But rather essential to my emotional sanity. I know this because I have to feel like I've accomplished something in my life. Feeling proud of my own level of success, I should build on that reputation and become successful in Carpentry. Have a successful expertise in building this and that. The idea of me educating myself is so dangerous because that's true power of knowledge in terms of self-sufficiency, that people are afraid of little training from discipline books, building books, and mastering my emotions.

I have a level of experience with building in carpentry. And I have a good deal of experience with landscaping laboring. Learning that I'm armed to the teeth with all that.

I know that my stepfather wouldn't want me to thrive in an economical environment such as the First Nation communities. He doesn't want me to have bushcraftmanship or wood craftsmanship. He doesn't want me to hone in on my craft and specialize in a trade. Honing my skills and learning what I need to learn from these crafts and trades. I know that there is a generational reasons why they are holding me back. Generational/relationship reasons why they are holding me back. My stepfather didn't want me to learn from other people. Growing up in his care he completely dominated my life. To educate myself through online or through family was forbidden.

I know that I did not have any chances to remember what I've learned. So my step family fucked me up in my teen years. And when it became my twenties I kind of forgot everything.

The ladies in my life are undateable. So I have to keep respect for professionalism and family. I know that I cannot control that I cannot date women that are professionally treating me. And learning there is no bar I hope to go to, I know with my second transplant kidney life I could move out and appreciate other ladies in my life. I know that with a second chance in my life I could move back home and get a job. I know that I could get much jobs as possible and structure my life in ways where I have two jobs on the weekdays, two weekend jobs and be financially motivated to get my own life together. I know that nobody wanted me safe, successful, accomplished and thriving in an economical environment like Eskasoni.

I know that I have to move out of Mawita'mk Society when I reach a level of independence where I'm fully licensed driver, a fit person and have my second transplant kidney.

I know that I could've learned from school but I know that I didn't have the physical muscular developments to live my life how I seen fit. Suffering in Eskasoni, and not the good way either, I say that Eskasoni is my hometown because I'd grown up there. I know certain people there. The older adults in my teen years(when I was a teenager) could've let up. I mean there was too many enemies and I couldn't work on a rèsumè for any job. 

Everyone in this economical environment hated me. And learning that everyone did not wanted me to work. Controlling every step I had. Struggling with the concept of team work or working as a member of Mawita'mk Society.

Self education is, through efforts of my own mind to intellectually, morally and personally learn my powers of my own knowledge. Through volitional freedom and personal  independence. Could be dangerous for several reasons. One I have learned on my own to earn my own smartphone. And secondly I wouldn't need anyone in my life. 

Learning job-related, bushcrafter and trade life skills, I had a lot of life experience in my life. Exercising my emotional muscles in my relationships I know that I have anxiety because I had traumas. A sense of equilibrium restored when I am with these ladies who are interested in me. The homeostasis of my body to the psycho-spiritual equilibrium that I have learning through emotional literacy,I know that my survival bonds are good ones. Addictional downward spiral into financial poverty and psycho-spiritual hells, I know that emotional muscles of my survival bonds(Dr. Tian Dayton's work) are good ones but things could change. My socioemtric perspective is that I don't become attractive because I have been addicted.

I've grown up where a mother is strong but had cheated. Learning that I've been abused I know that truth of my memories is what affects my sociometric perspective.

Trauma can make me emotionally illiterate but I've been practicing emotional literacy through poetry. I know that my step family have been troubled with my poem-making. To have the literary freedom of writing out my heart. I know that psychology of discrimination and prejudice is how this world works. The most dominant today is on online and affecting culturally relevant issues. The psycho-historic story is now online. I'd lived relatively off-line and have a rich historic life of simplistic lifestyle where I could love ideally, unconditionally and full heartedly. I know that people haven't gotten outdoors because I know that sustained exposure to outdoors can have a paradigm shift.

The psychological addictions on online life can be triggering because people don't have life skills, coping skills and other skills that they can use in their lives. Traumas and heartbreak can destroy a life. And thus an addiction(bad habit) cab have such an impact on your life that trauma dumping can happen. Not learning how we can support how we can heal from our childhood. By forbidding emotional literacy on the subject. 

One thing my stepfather has taught me was that I cannot get anything right, I cannot work or do anything responsible. My stepfather has proven to me that I was an imbecile for the longest time. As long as I cannot get it right I cannot drive or work, I cannot get a date or have my own life together. I know that no beautiful women wants me because I would've had hot women long ago. I would've had different women every nights when I got here. 

Eskasoni and my step family has proven that I cannot get anything right. And that I have to be still doing it right because nobody is going to teach me. But I have to take responsibility for my actions while my step family neglects their's. I know that I never got any justice and my stepfather always wanted to hold me back. Forcing a teenager to be hyper-independent in a economical environment such as Eskasoni, I know that I was hated by most people because my stepfather held me back and did nothing to teach me job-related life skills and habit-forming skills. 

He was so focused on his career that I did not have any driving time, work experience or schooling done under his reign. I know that my stepfather has been proving that I'm some kind of joke and I couldn't get anything right. He has the narrative and so does many others of my family. They could say shit about me and still get away. 

Yes, I have a level of success in my life because I'd moved. But that don't mean that I have to keep living here. Mawita'mk Society doesn't have faith in my ability to have skills in carpentry. And learning that Mawita'mk Society is holding me back from my goals. They don't know my work psychology. 

I know that I'm not known for that here. And Mawita'mk Society doesn't respect or supports my goals. Well they want me to focus on my physical muscular developments. 

Yeah ladies in my life have impacted me in a good way. But those impacts are questionable because I don't have any lady by my side. It's a lot of reading, researching and studying to be with a lady. Rollo don't make it look appealing ta have a workload like a woman in my life. Feeling like I've dodged a bullet. I know that Rollo Tomassi is right about one thing: marriage isn't worth the work anymore. There isn't any ladies in my life that have boundaries or respect or common sense. 

What's stopping me from moving out and getting a maid and prostitute, or different prostitutes every night? I mean I have porn stars and prostitutes willing to embrace my fantasies and have paid work for sexual openness, affability, service catering to my fantasies and having a good time. I mean the only thing stopping me is Mawita'mk Society and family. 

The benefits are that I have it simplistic when it comes to a few prostitutes. I know that I did not have any experience like my cousin Eddie Doucette or anything good like Mark or Sonny. I know that I did not have any smartphone one night stands. But if I could afford coffee every day, honestly every Christmas bonus I could afford a prostitute. Every doesn't want me to have a good time because having a woman is a financial burden. 

They have a boundless ego and a good deal of non-traditional body counts. So I know that I don't have to give into the premise of wanting a woman by my side. Tough is as may be I still think having a woman have no benefits. If I say I take her out on a movie I probably wouldn't like? I know that sex is an definite maybe. 

I know that forced liking is a thing. I know that women's grip around sex is starting to loosen up and I know that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities in my life for a woman to choose me. So why would I go through all that work for nothing? Shitting reading material that's all Dr. John Gottman is. Sex is much easier with prostitutes. 

Women don't marry down. There isn't any hypogamy because women have hypergamy. It's stated on Tik Tok that women are supposed to have a man making six figures. While a good prostitute can make my fantasy happen. 

And I know that cowards points fingers and yells the loudest. But these criminals don't suffer guilt. They thrive in a criminal world and I know that I don't have my own  place. If I did I know that people would be bothering me. But cowards stand on a rock, yelling but what's the point if we cannot get any justice? Family have these sayings that shut me up but I want to keep fighting on. The Morrison have ruined my childhood, I couldn't go back and everyone wanted me to fail as a human. Especially since I was a teenager and hypersexual.