The Struggles or Finding Meaning in Suffering

I've witnessed a cheating of my biological mother where she stressed me to keep the secret of what I've witnessed. Reading about childhood traumas like beatings over the years, childhood addiction and a good deal of sustained stress from Dodo and my mother. 

They didn't want me to admit that I was sexually abused and sexually active. The children of Eskasoni trying to compensate for their losses of childhood. But my real father makes the idea of living a hardship that I did not want. There is philosophy of suffering, the logic of suffering and discipline that comes from suffering. I've lost all my original immediate family members from my arsenal and don't have anyone to correct my thinking. 

But I know that suffering is a good thing. It means that I have control over my narrative of suffering.  Suffering for the right people means that I have to take the brunt of more traumas and shaming. They could work the conviction and weaken it.

Demoralizations is all about weakening the mind. And available molding into lies that works to their benefits. 

Extreme truth-bending or weakening the conviction is my step uncles' influences and skills. I know that I was abused by them and learning that all Morrison family don't want me to be sober. They'd fucked me up where I have to stick with the truths and facts of my past. But I could forget because I have presence of mind and mindfulness. 

As I learn about the material of Dr. John Gottman I am learning about emotional intelligence in ways that have an scientific empathy for ladies. Learning this I know that my biological mother could've based her cheating on such things as Cognitive Distortions, Cognitive Biases and Logical Fallacies.

Learning from Dr. Tian Dayton I know that trauma dysregulates the mind, causes relationship dysfunctional alexithymia.
I know that trauma can be a sneaky thing and be oppressed, suppressed, repressed and depressed. There are options for such things and learning that I have psychological icons like Dr. Sigmund Freud and Dr. Carl Gustav Jung. 

Both doctors have explored and braved the scientific community of their findings. And learning that this is a fundamental respect for exploring traumas and past. I know that today's psychology is trying to get people out of their minds and back to the present. While Freudian psychoanalysis was being discredited, Dr. Eric Berne has created Transactional Analysis and taught that the emotional problems could be solved by Parent-like, Childlike or Adult-like ego states.

My life has Dr. Marsha Linehan who made Dialectal Behavioral Therapy manual, Dr. Gabor Matè's works and Dr. Rollo Tomassi. Who brought me terms such as Ego-investments and schedule of dating.

Which makes sense because he is an educated man. And Ego-investing is a natural inclination to what motivates us in ways. I know that I love their books and I am learning a lot because it's such an investment of my time to learn what they have to present. Their contents of a book are interesting and healthy to read too. Imagine a Demon Child like me ego-investing into books? Ha!

I had to become this Hell Raiser in ways where I had to use Dark Comedy for my release. My stepfather would know what I've said in my childhood. Learning emotional literacy from Dr. Tian Dayton I know that I'm working on my emotional muscles of my brain and doing what I need to do, to make sure my story is told before I'm dead. I know that I won't get any hot chick or different women every night.

At least I have my emotional sanity. I know that people don't want me to think about my past the right way.

The familial schism between the Morrison and the rest of my family have been about being adopted. My stepfather thought it would lessen his headache. But I know that I wanted to learn to drive, to work and to go on vacations. I know that my stepfather didn't want me to live my life fully and ideally. I know that is what I've been learning that he didn't want me to learn: appreciate sceneries and beautiful women. 

I know that RCMP are racists and the women I've encountered have been sexists. I am getting the psychology of prejudices and discriminations on both sides. I know that I've done wrong but that shouldn't stop me from learning from my mistakes.

I know that I never had a job or two jobs in my twenties. I know that Eskasoni left me out and wanted my insanity. I know that certain people didn't want me to thrive, to succeed or to sober up. I know that in Eskasoni I face bullies, schemers, addicts, misers and fiends.

I know that I had to learn to get along with all those bad characters. And learning that I've been cheated out, deprived of and sorely neglected from the original plans I wanted. 

I know that my stepfather didn't want me to succeed in becoming fully licensed driver. I know that I've been hunting for jobs, learning that I have financial benefits of memberships to certain Gym, to certain organizations and other things. If seemed worthy of Mawita'mk Society's money. I know that I am sick and tired of getting my walk on with no results. 

Okay my stepfather has done a lot for me to provide a happy, safe and secured home. My stepfather has given me a first chance at life and I am beating myself senseless for not taking advantage of my social opportunities.

Now I have everything I want because of the Morrison's guide to Mawita'mk Society. Yeah I want my independence but that would come in time. Eventually I'll get independent.
My step parents have done more to balance themselves out and be the right parents for me. My stepfather isn't scared to ask questions for his children, for his adopted sons and for his family. He was willing to make room for growth and self love practices. 

I know that my stepfather wouldn't give up that easily because a few addicts wants to fuck with him. Yeah I could've taken the initiatives in my life and run amok in my enemies' lives. But I had a family to think of and I was learning that I had roles and responsibilities in a family. I've learned emotional intelligence from my biological mother.

I've learned coping skills like Distress Tolerance, Mindfulness, Emotional Regulation, Interpersonal effectiveness. Stuff like that. I just didn't want to accept the fact that I've enjoyed a simplistic lifestyle in Eskasoni. Relatively simple.

Financially burdening, malnourishing and empty promises from Rob Shipley. Then again that's probably Mari K's fault because she's so possessive. I know that I have to learn to drive, work in carpentry and do what I need to do to have a little two small businesses in We'koqma'q community. I know that Eskasoni isn't an option. It would be extra burden and I know that I have enemies willing to steal and repeat behaviors that would be detrimental to my health. Hopefully I can make it into We'koqma'q Economic System. And get my fitness and walking endurance. And get my second transplant kidney.

My stepfather could've thrown me out and gave up. At times he wanted to, and I wanted out. But we stayed together and now I want to focus all my energy and motivation directed at fitness, calisthenics and nutrition. I want to get in shape and work.

I want to learn NSCC Carpentry Certificate program or demonstrate my level of building skills in that program. I know that I've learned a lot over the years in with step uncles and family. Loving the facts that I was taught well by my step family throughout the years I was under their reign. I just need to prove my skills set in NSCC Carpentry Certificate program by demonstrating through Recognizing Prior Learning or RLP transfer credit. 

I have NSCC Construction Trades Labor program which was an introductory course to all the trades in ways. The main ones that have been known. I know that I have a background in building a yard so NSCC Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma program could be an option too.

And I have experience in building with my stepfather who has showed me building a deck, building a steps first, than a porch. And than building a shed. I want to specialize in decks, patio, steps, porches and landscaping.

I have business goals to build a team, a place of business building, a NSCC and CBU Educational Training Center building, and my own place. Hopefully I can make two places in We'koqma'q community and have my own personal place. Than have my professional reputation proceeding me in Eskasoni because I want to expand into that. JPL's Construction Trades Workers Centers. 

Where skilled tradespeople can work in We'koqma'q, Wagmatcook, Eskasoni, Chapel Island and Membertou. Lawn maintenance workers would be Skilled Laborers from NSCC Construction Trades Labor program and METI's Safety Certified Skilled Laborer. Try to get METI's Labor program in there too. Usually, with NSCC programs starts dates starts in September for trades. And in NSCC Carpentry Certificate program I know that I could use RLP transfer credit. No knowledge is useless and seeing it that way only merits attention to your repertoire.

I just got to start my fitness journey in We'koqma'q community. I'm living here and I get to walk on their roads. Hopefully I can live my life in a fully capable lifestyle where I am thriving economically, personally and socially. 

Where I have my dates or fucks. And I have my own hometown home in Eskasoni. My old first apartment in Eskasoni I wouldn't mind. I know that I want to make an impact in Eskasoni. Feeling proud where I come from I know that I was taught the philosophy of suffering and forgiveness. The psycho-historic story of economic system in Eskasoni, a good deal of mental health knowledge and coping. And a good deal of cultural practices and love. I thank my family for the shit I've put them through, for the teachings and lessons they've taught me, and for the home I had because of them.

Loving myself means that I have to be evil in ways. I was the Demon Child.

I don't know where I'll be in twenty years. But this is my thirteen year in We'koqma'q community. And I have to make the best of this community. Social networking is my key to finding a good fitness partner on my fitness journey. 

And to start a walking club for We'koqma'q community. Feeling like I've only scratched the surface of my own potentials. I hope that I could get into business with We'koqma'q community and not too much of the political side of it. I could name the NSCC, METI and CBU building JPL'S Heavy Metal Center of Learning. If I do get that far in We'koqma'q community's economic system and resources. Hopefully I can build my own apartment buildings in We'koqma'q community.

Feeling like I want to make that three kinds of buildings. And have volunteers from the community to help out with teachings, lessons and values.

Three kinds of building: one for education and employability training, one for my place of business and the other building for apartments for my students and workers. Hopefully I can become that valuable where I could get couple We'koqma'q community band office Chief and Council members and get them to invest into my JPL'S Apartment Building. I want to build my own place in the middle of it all that. Hopefully if I do financially plan this out. I hope that I could get something out of it. I'll be volunteering my time as a Carpenter, Skilled Laborer and Landscaper. Well those buildings are fantasies and I don't have the proper years of business/social networking to get any investors.

Plus I don't have any job networking or have anyone remotely interested in that. So it's just fantasies. I know that I am not perfect but I have a level of education to go by.

If I could focus and get motivated for the directed fitness journey I need to work on. I hope that I could get motivated, directed and focused on fitness like calisthenics(Body-weight training), weight training and walking. I would suffer in a good way. I know that in Eskasoni I was learning to get along. 

But I know that Eskasoni is a bad place and I have to keep working on my fitness and renal diet nutrition. Nobody knows my sexual history fully and ideally I don't want them to know. I know that I've struggled to maintain a monogamous relationship. I struggle for one cup per day. I struggle with losing weight and staying tough. I know that I've experienced a lot of bad traps in my time.

I know that I never had any normal life or beautiful women like Darren. I've practically fucked anything. And when I was learning about sexual addiction. I had to be on my own learning.

This place is supposed to be stigma-free, alcohol-free and drug-free. A perfect reason to stay sex-free. But I think, as I'm learning about women through Dr. John Gottman I am learning about the emotional regulation of a monogamous relationship. And the growing and sharing of a place. I know that I have been learning about women, relationship and dating through Dr. John Gottman's eyes. 

I know that I am learning to be traditional without a traditional woman. I know that I have to be emotionally ready for a good relationship. And learning that I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities. 

I feel that I have fashion sense, a good level of education and employability to go by, a good life in We'koqma'q community. And pretty good opportunity to work on my fitness(my calisthenics, weight training and walking). I am a short nerdy little bachelor trying to get more laid. I haven't made any impacts I wanted. People have decided to make my impacts for me. And I haven't really gotten far in my life because I would've already had a car, full driver's license and job experience with a full-time position. 

I know that the struggles I have is because I cannot get any beautiful lady into bed. Learning that I'm subpar I know that I'm not where the action is. I know that my life is uneventful in ways where I cannot go on my own vacations. I know that I don't have any personal powers over my own life. I have broken too many hearts in my time. Or little fraction of hearts to stop my sexual value from existing. 

I've read books like Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. Which my biological mother or my uncle Francis has read to me. I think he has read Dialogues of Plato and my mother read Man's Search for Meaning. Great literature that I could understand because I was making sense of my own life. At first my suffering was senseless and I wanted a little fun. 

So I was learning to make meaning out of my private suffering. The philosophy of suffering was that as long as we can make meaning out of our suffering we can live with it. Viktor Frankl's book was that account to make meaning out of suffering. And the Indigenous philosophy of suffering was the cultural need to make meaning out of our own experiences. To write about our lives and to introduce ourselves. 

Everyone suffers; it depends if you make meaning out of it. That's my foundational knowledge. To cope enough to make meaning out of my own sufferings. I know that hasn't worked for me. And learning that I needed therapy because I was sexually active. I know that my step uncles wanted my private world to be exposed. I know that Dodo wanted me to make sense out of his senseless beatings. He wasn't learning and knowing that I was supposed to make meaning out of it. I knew that I did not want to because it was wrong.

I know that morally he wasn't to judge me. And learning to live my life without bad influences and horrible people with powers over my life. I know that I wasn't respected because they weren't responsible. I know that my sufferings had addictional downward spiral into financial poverty and psycho-spiritual hells. They did not wanted me to live my life how I see fit. Learning that I am hated and there is no love loss. 

I know that I did not have anyone on my side. The feverish anger of that day, the addictions and discriminations, beatdowns and barriers. I know that my family did not wanted me thriving. Everyone in my life wanted my life hard because they wanted me to say something. What? I don't know! 

The loss of my childhood was because of Dodo and my mother. Damn that dead mother! I hate the fact that I couldn't express nothing in my life. Feeling like I've been trapped in my own mind. I know that my stepfather I wanted to tell so badly.