Types and Causes of Grief, Many Changes and A Growing Mind

I know that there is Compounded Grief, Complicated Grief, Regular Grief and other types of grief. It's a big change when one of our workers goes away. I've been living at Ni'kinen Group House for thirteen years. I got here since 2010 and I've been goal-minded on building a educational reputation, professional reputation and personal reputation in We'koqma'q community. I thought I'd always had Darren by my side. 

With certain workers I thought will be at my side the longest, which they have been. I know that I've seen a few Mawita'mk Support Workers and one therapist changed their careers and environment. Hopefully they are happy and grow to a better lifestyle.

Aspects of my knowledge could be worked on. And aspects of my physical fitness health could be worked on. I know that I've been at Mawita'mk Society for thirteen years and went through many changes.

I know it was bittersweet living here with that unprocessed Grief. But now the spell that my uncle Dodo put on me is broken. My emotions are coming to fruition and I think I am using the right coping skills. I know that I've accepted the fact he wasn't happy here, Darren that is. He has passion for the job before and he was a good Mawita'mk Support Worker. He had his license, diploma in accounting and he had a clear-minded logic. I know that I was a mess when some of these changes crept up on me. 

I know that I'll miss all the past workers and hope the best for them. My sadness comes from an long line of changes over the years.

Changes started when my immediate family; Billie Jean, Katt, Steve, our biological mother, me and stepfather moved to Mickey's Lane. I was sadden because I was a baby on 74th street. I love my hometown but I don't think I was learning value like that.

My mother was unhappy with our current living situation. And wanted a house of our own. We'd moved out in 1991 and that's when I had my banana bike. I was learning to ride a bike. The spell was strong back then and I was learning to live with it. I know that growing up as a teenager I was held back from many good things; sports, driving, work and after school programs. I know that my stepfather didn't care for me truly because I held the secret that my biological mother was cheating with my stepuncle Dodo. I couldn't really break the spell. Dodo wanted me to ruin my life for his own personal vengeance. He has twisted it into his personal vengeance because all Morrison family that I've met up with so far are bad.

It sounds that Darren has a good life. And I know that he was the longest Mawita'mk Support Worker I've known. I'm thankful that he had a good life.

Most of these workers have different historic stories. Some had a good life, others had addictions to overcome and one had to overcome Indian Residential School issues, I think. With every worker that comes across Mawita'mk Society I'm thankful for. I know that I am not perfect but I'll try to love ya. 

Hopefully we part on good terms. Darren is a shing example of the Original Mawita'mk Support Workers. It opened up in 2007 and like I said, he has been here since it opened up. Mawita'mk Society has helped out for years and the original workers are gone. Darren Prosper, Elizabeth Bernard, Connie Peck, Candice Sylliboy-Knockwood, Jennifer Googoo, Sheila Johnson and Rosie Sylliboy.

It was one Worker at a time. Not two workers. And learning that Mawita'mk Society is the Charitable organization for gifted disabled Indigenous descendant and Mi'kmaq. I know that I am happy.

Many souls have passed here. Knowing that I've seen clients here, happy and I know that I've missed opportunities in my teenage years. Sexually I've missed opportunities in Eskasoni and other places. I know that in my usual story is one-sided limerence. But that don't mean that other shared limerence could be living. Working on my intellectual confidence, I know that I'm smart and tough. I don't care if there is a mamma, I want a good woman. Not a traditional woman but that could be argued in ways of practices. I know that I've been learning the value of baby mommas. They are hard workers, they are motivated and determined. More than a single guy living off of Mawita'mk Society.

Changes has to come. And I have to be more careful because Darren isn't here anymore. I know that I want to show limerence to a certain worker. And hopefully have a good workable relationship.

I've outlived my parents and older brothers, I've outlived my grandmothers and grandfather William. I've outlived my cousins and uncles. I know that I could beat this sadness. Yeah I've been through many line changes and yeah, I've been through one reign change. I've seen how many people have come and gone at Mawita'mk Society. 

Hopefully I can lose weight and get on with that calisthenics. I know that I have a good home and I have a lot of good moments and good memories. I know that I'm happy that I've survived this far, enough life to exercise and walk. I know that I've outlasted a few long-time workers. I have suffered types of grief and sorted through many intense emotions.

I have all the reasons to keep succeeding, getting awards, recognitions, volunteer awards and other honors. I know that I got a wall of credentials hanging in my bedroom.

Hopefully I can keep doing school work properly, graduate from Certificate programs like DBT and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I know that I want to build on my knowledge and experience I have so far. Hopefully I can read much as I can and keep doing what I want to do. There is a lot of reasons to live my life. Feeling proud that I've gotten this far in my life. I know that I love these workers and I have to keep moving forward. Take the blows of changes and keep moving forward. 

Learning that there is so many changes over the years. I know that because of their fundamental foundation of essential influences and powers, I knew that I was in good hands with Mawita'mk Society.

My love for them will always be because they've helped out. I know that I want love and a long-term relationship. I want to have something because I've never been in any relationship.

I've been here for thirteen years, got my level of education, training and driving experience. And have been through so many changes with Mawita'mk Society. I miss the past of my independence because I had 21 years of my first Transplant kidney. And I know that I loved the fact that I've waited for 7 years before I went back to school. Learning that I had a lot of types of grief and empty-nest syndrome. I know that I'm not rich but I know that I have things to work on. I have friends in Eskasoni and We'koqma'q, Wagmatcook and Chapel Island. I think I do anyways; hoping that I do because I know that I've been learning that it's easier to make friends than to make excuses for fight.

Right from the start I had excuses and Darren was pretty impressed how creative I could be. Now if I could create reasons to be motivated and determined than to make excuses. I think I would have self pep talks in the mornings.
I know that I don't attract women because I don't project confidence. I cannot trust in my handsomeness to attract the right women in my life. I know that I have limerence for a certain woman and I know that it's gone now. 

I don't know what I'd done to warrant letting go of me but I am thinking its one-sided limerence. I know that I don't attract the women I'm attracted to. Allowing myself to let go and think; I know that I'm less attractive because I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities. It's always been about hypergamy because I got no friends on high levels of government, or business, or companies or in any industries.

I don't know what women want, especially white women. I know that I'm nothing to these ladies. I will always be lonely and unworthy of love because I am an devil.

They used to call me Hell Raiser, Demon Child, and stuff like that. I know that I'm hated and have no powers over my own life. I want to love but I haven't made any efforts on my part to look for a partner. I know that I'm still learning that I've missed opportunities like crazy because I got no personal leadership. And having personal powers over my own life isn't attractive. I have tried to ask women, I have tried charming and used any techniques available. The community thought I would be happy alone. Well I'm always alone and have no good woman by my side. It doesn't matter how much heart you do have, you'd done an immortal crimes in your life; that's what'll be. 

Apparently being the bad asshole have his downfall.

I'm trying to turn another new leaf. And enter a league I hope that I could get into. The working class and hopefully have women. Back home I'm hated. Here I'm nothing.

Gee! Thanks dads. I hope you're happy that I've survived this long to figure out I'm Unattractive. I'm short, fat, disabled and an ass. I don't have any attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities in my life. I've wasted 7 years of my life with friends who had better lives. Getting punished and beaten down. Starving because everyone took my groceries, smelled because I couldn't have no laundry done, or my place smelled because everyone in Eskasoni that I've met up with kept on stealing groceries, cleaning tools and supplies, my clothes and bedding.

It's safer at Mawita'mk Society but I cannot get any dates. Being at Mawita'mk Society only dampens my sexual value. I know that I've graduated from my traffic school program at NSCC College and I hadn't any construction work since 2016.

People wants me to not have confidence and wallow in self pity. I know that I've had a lot of good experiences at Mawita'mk Society. And I know that I want to move back to my hometown because I have all of my capabilities, technology, skills and education. I hope that I could live a rich life in Eskasoni. 

And learning that I've had a lot of bad reasons to live in Eskasoni. Feeling like I could have a better life in Eskasoni or Membertou. I hope that I could live there. My job-related life skills could be put to good use. And I don't have to worry about another person. I am living a single life and I just have to focus on myself only now. I am not tall, dark and handsome. I am short, fat, ugly, disabled!

For me love is no use for me. I know this because I've been living here for thirteen years and no woman in her right mind would wants me. I don't think anyways.

I know that I've been neglected and ignored by most women. Learning the value of confidence I know that I'm not a perfect and yes, there are things I wished I hadn't done. I'm still learning and knowing the reasons why I'm hated, controlled and patrolled by the Morrison family. I am weak and don't want to exercise in the name of vengeance. I know that I don't have a perfect sex life. I always had one-sided limerence; that's my usual story about women. I'm still being put in the Let's Just Be Friends zone. 

I know that no matter how much confidence I project, I still ain't getting any just because and I think it's because of grief. I suffer too much grief to have any relationship. The biggest impacts of grief was my biological mother, losing out my childhood and teenage opportunities. And having empty nest syndrome. I don't care how much people have impacted my life. I've had heavy losses and I'd lost both parents. Yeah I did not get along with my real dad. But it's still a loss. 

I know that I have a good life in We'koqma'q community. Feeling like I've been through everything in my life. I want to move back home because home is where the heart is. And my heart has been wanting my old apartment back on Horseshoe Drive. I'm just sadden and have no dates or side chicks or anything. I know that the women around me come to me to see how much confidence I have. A good woman would impact my life personally. 

I'm lonely, sadden and grieving losses, changes and yeah, I have been confident enough to write this. To go into my sadness and write about it. That's emotional/intellectual confidence and literacy. I've been wanting a little cigarettes and couple of fucks. 

I know that I am something of a catch. Well kind of if it wasn't for the grief, sadness of losses, periods of malnourishment, lack of smartphone and technology, skills and education. I have an enrichen lifestyle where I have a Wall of Credentials. Two walls I think. I know that I have powers over my life to a degree. Living in Mawita'mk Society and earning my way while getting CERB checks and getting money from my real dad. Than him passing away and me losing out on opportunities to make things better with him.

I had a few checks and cold hard cash in my name. From my grandmother and from my dad's Salita. I know that I love my family and I take pride in how I've lived with them. I'd lost my real dad this year and lost my three grandmothers yesteryear. 

Here I hope that I could lose the weight, get my second transplant kidney, get my full driver's license, get full-time employment and car. Hopefully I can live my life with a Single's Promised of Lovin' and Lust. They go hand in hand with me. Real-world issues like inflation might shock me. If I did moved back to my old apartment. 

I know that I'd had a lot of good memories within Eskasoni because my cousin Ray was leaving. When Ray put my music on because of changes. He was sadden that he was moving out of the community. So many friends and girls. I know that I wasn't attractive to them because I know that grief was hard to accept. 

I had a lot of griefful moments in Eskasoni. Feeling like I wanted to graduate, Feeling like jobs would help out. Knowing that my stepfather hadn't helped out with teaching me driving lessons. I know that today I've had a lot of good moments in Eskasoni. I made new memories and moments in We'koqma'q community when I left Eskasoni. That was a griefful change. 

Aspects of my life have changed. I had safety, food security, medicine protection and supported discipline of routine. I had cable in my bedroom, and video games, and books. I could order off the internet. I could celebrate my birthdays and Christmas. I had backpay with Darlene through GST checks. I'd spent my money on games because there was three meals a day, medicine regularly and a good deal of support. And got clothing checks and Eskasoni Medical Transportation Clerk has arranged rides for me. 

I know that I was happy and good. Going out every Tuesdays or Thursdays or whatever day it was. We had options to choose from Bowling alleys, pool halls, Movie theaters and places to eat. I was on cloud nine and ecstatic to be here because of Candice, Darren, Shauna, Connie Peck, Elizabeth Bernard, Rosie Sylliboy, Jessica, Jennifer Googoo. 

I was happy that I could eat freely instead of someone charging me to eat my food. Have cleaning supplies and tools, have phone service and bathroom breaks. When I first arrived here I was hairy and malnourished. Just recovering from traumas and addictions. I've been sober for thirteen years. Eskasoni wasn't my paradise, Mawita'mk Society was. 

My immortal friendships is hard to honor. Especially since I am learning a lot about the reality of mental health literature. I am learning a lot with respect to relationships and sex and counseling. I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society for thirteen years and had a lot of good experiences like a helicopter ride, pictures of us at Fortress of Louisberg. And other places. 

I know that I have to work on my reading goals, fitness goals and daily chores. I have to start in the morning. I have finished two books; Trauma and Addiction by Dr. Tian Dayton and The Men's Guide to Women from Dr. John Gottman. Now with these two books I have learned that emotional attunement and emotional literacy can work wonders. I know that empathic skills are necessary for understanding patients, clients and residents and members. 

Its 2023 and its been thirteen years at Mawita'mk Society. I went through graduations over the years, childhood memories and moments, a good deal of Game-awareness, driving experience and life experience. I know that I hadn't made it because I've been writing poetry for 25 years since 1998. Connie Peck made me and have thrown out most of my poetry. Not the main ones but I know that I have to learn what my historic story can be. 

But I know that I had a hold(Spell) on me and as my step uncle(Donald J. Morrison) had full control over me by not telling his brother that his wife, my biological mother cheated on him with Dodo. I know that he finally told him in openness and finally broke the spell at Chapel Island. Now? I have nightmares and re-hashing again. 

Survivors of traumas has this Alexithymic Profundity of Deep Disassociation and Oppressed Wounds. You don't know what you don't know. And how myth of normalcy can be part of traumas. Older abusers that have entered my life have been determined to get away as I tried to prove my traumas. 

It must be nice not being alone. Like I said many times over I could live ideally anywhere I want but I know that making a good home means cooking, cleaning and organizing my home. I know that I'm not loved by certain individuals. And I don't want to be kicked out of my own place because I cannot work. I know that Mawita'mk Society didn't care about my financial situation. And learning that Billie Jean used me as a stepping stone. 

She perfected the idea and now I don't have any credit to my name. I have to wait until I can save up a few bucks to move on out of here. Drive on out of here eventually, and live my life how I see fit. I just have to focus on my health and mental health. I've had apartments and many good experiences in those apartments. I know that I'm loved and I should be careful if I do move back home. 

But I heard that Eskasoni isn't changing, they are always hurting others and discriminating against each other. This means that they've haven't learnt what was necessary to learn for life skills, survival skills and coping skills. While I want to move back home and live my life in an apartment. I know that there will be repeats of thefts and financial larcenies. 

Being at a job for a significant portion of your life and suddenly changing careers can cause grief. I've lost important family members and opportunities. I had a lot of significant changes over the years and graduated from different programs. I'm going to miss Darren and Shauna. I hope whatever career they choose, they find their happiness. 

There are types of causes for grief; graduations, moving from family home or parents' home for the first time, death of pets or loved ones, starting school, death of a former spouse or divorce, marriage, end of addictions, major health changes like going back on dialysis from a First Transplant kidney dying, retirement, financial changes-positive or negative, holidays, legal problems and empty nest syndrome or career change after so long period. 

The longest I've been away from Eskasoni is thirteen years, soberly productive and a good deal of happy moments made up for the loss of my last Eskasonian apartment. I've moved from my hometown and that caused me grief. And it was an end of the addictions and struggles for me. I know that I had a lot of good reasons to stay here. 

I know that I had graduations and many changes over the years at Mawita'mk Society. It's not that bad that I grieve, but it's good to cry out. I had many losses over the course of moving out of Eskasoni and living in We'koqma'q community for 13 years. I hope that I could move back or move out. I know that grief can make you do things you wished you'd hadn't. I hope that I could live a rich life wherever I may end up at.

In 20 years from 4 years from now I hope that I have a good fitness. And I hope that I could learn from my books, eBooks, encyclopedias, magazines, comic books, pdfs and audiobooks. I hope that I could live ideally in any First Nation community I end up at. Leaving a community is leaving where you'll socialize at and associate with. I know that here I'm valued, loved, appreciated and respected. 

We experience loss and grief in many ways. Traumatic events, changes in health-good or bad, move from community, parent's home or family home, deaths and family sicknesses. And what I'd mentioned above. We have been managing a game(Social Skills) of a losses and pains. I know that I have to learn the right medicines for my aching bones. And lack of energy. 

I know that I had a good cry and I know that I was grieving losses and big changes. I'd lost my apartment and had to move into Ni'kinen house. Learning that it's better for support and keeping me away from certain things, I know that I would've died if it wasn't for Rosie Sylliboy.