Self Development

I hadn't dated or had sex in fourteen years. Considering that I don't have that kind of attention or attractiveness to me. I know that I have to work on myself. Got persistent people telling me that I'm gay. I know that I'm attracted to women that don't want anything to do with me. But I want to have them and learning to get'em is harder than getting money. I know that being assertive, self-assured and leading the conversation is something that I could do. I know that I should have an upbeat, fun topics to talk about. And have a good sense of humor to go with my conversations.

I know that confidence is a good thing. I could educate myself in picking up girls. Learning that hypergamy is a thing. I know that money speaks volumes; so does muscles and protective instincts of man. A woman is something that I have to learn to attract on my own.

Knowing that women aren't interested in paranoid schizophrenics. I know that I cannot recover from this mental illness because I got no diagnosis that could be a triumphant recovery. I know that people didn't believe in me in the first place; I know that I've had a lot of doubters and liars who said that they wouldn't invade my privacy. Knowing the self development is something that I could learn, do, use and earn. I know that I've been in good hands in ways. I had a beatdowns from Elijah and I couldn't really recover from that. In my life I've been beaten, battered, addicted and bruised. I know that I did not have any good childhood, teen years or young adult years.

I know that I did not live to my fullest potential in Eskasoni because I was uneducated, unemployed and licenseless. I couldn't have what makes me financially independent because of the Morrison.

Dodo was the guard and gatekeeper of my successes while I'd lived in Eskasoni. He did not want me to thrive than I wouldn't. Dodo kept a stranglehold on me since I was a kid. 

He did not let go or I couldn't forgive him for beating me up. Knowing that self development is bettering myself, focusing on my health and my own mental health. I know that I'm not suitable for a lover because I never had that chance of a long-term, romantic, intercultural, interdependent and balanced relationship. Knowing that I got no attractive features on me. I know that I need to shower and take good care of myself; which I'm doing with Mawita'mk Society.

Living in a group home I have to remember that this place is a shared environment. But that don't mean what I buy is theirs to destroy. I buy my own books because I love reading. I love reading, researching and understanding non-fictions and Ann Rice.

Living in a group home can be frustrating because people can make up any excuse for me to share my personal collections. Rosie wants to go back to old school and I have a problem with that. It means I'll have to gift or share my things. Loose morals mean that Rosie don't want me well respected. I mean she doesn't hold anyone accountable for their actions because she would've already gotten rid of Clyde. Knowing that Clyde financially abuses me, takes what he wants from me when I was in my own apartment, and sneaks around like a little bitch because he is a moral coward. I know that I don't have any respect from Clyde because he simply doesn't care for me.

He wants me to think that he does only to use me. I have to be willing to serve him and have a good time with him. That means I'll be doing the buying. He owes me money and doesn't want to pay back.

I try to focus on my self development. 

Learning from Doctors and philosophers. I know that great literature has a lot to teach me. Knowing that I want to have my own place I hope that all my efforts are not in vain; that I get to a level of financial independence and personal leadership, where I have a good routine in my apartment. And I make it homey by cooking, cleaning and using my apartment well at Apartment D. I know that using my apartment the right way and doing what I need to do, to self support I could learn workethic in fitness, routine of full-time romantic monogamous relationship, becoming a second kidney transplant patient and have full-time employment. I want my life to be enrichen like that; with significance, meaning and value; with an increased and shared sense of purpose, pride and job satisfaction. Learning what it takes to live my life more richly; fully employable and more healthy.

I think Mawita'mk Society is thriving off my indulgence of understanding them. I know that Rosie don't want any repeats in my life. Like falling back to old habits like smoking, smoking up, drinking and other things that would say that I'm unwell. Eskasoni has been my breeding grounds for discriminations and abuses. Learning that manipulations comes with it; I know that I don't have any leadership roles because I don't know what to do. I'll have a good self development roles but that's all I can offer. If you're willing to read. There isn't any room for self development in Eskasoni. They don't want to read books or eBooks or pdfs. Or listen to audiobooks.

It's my fourth week and I didn't go today. Today is February 13, Tuesday/2024 and it's been fourteen years living here. Knowing that I had experience with self development goals; I know that haters would want to derail me. My step uncle is one of those people.

I have too much drama in Eskasoni. There is job shortage because there is a imbalanced educational experience. And knowing that I've been educated in terms of NSCC Adult Learning Program, NSCC Construction Trades Labor program and Unama'ki Driving School. I know that I could learn to live by myself in Eskasoni. Living in a shared environment I don't have any friends or respectability from anyone here. My books are precious to me in ways where I love to read them. I love collecting and reading books, I am a bookworm in my glory. I'd moved back into the Ni'kinen house back in 2019. And knowing that Rosie didn't want me to continue working at Rod's One Stop.

I know that living in a shared environment where my things are at risk; hasn't been on anyone's minds lately because two books got destroyed by a resident. Knowing that I want to better myself is why they want to keep me.

That's a morality issue because I could become financially independent in Eskasoni. But again, too much drama in Eskasoni where I cannot work there. Yeah I know the frustrations of being in a shared environment. 

I know that people here are mentally unstable; well some of them and Clyde forces his way into my apartment to get my coffee one time ago. And Rosie doesn't do anything about it. I used to live in Mawita'mk apartment D and Clyde used to come over and forced his way in. I should be fighting to protect my own place but Clyde and Rosie have a rapport. And Rosie does the bare minimum which I know that she doesn't truly care for me. She just cares for her organization.

Knowing that I'm working on my fitness. I know that I don't have the best of care at Mawita'mk Society but I get what they are paid for. Knowing that I cannot criticize or critique anything.

I know that Mawita'mk Society has been cultivating little life skills education. I know that I don't have any patience for beadwork. It sickens me and gets me anxious. Sheila wants perfection out of me and I want Clyde to pay me back. And stop financially abusing me. Mawita'mk Society is something if you don't know your goals. I could live by myself in Eskasoni. All this negativity; this is how the Morrison family affected me. I know that Dodo would exposed anyone if it would benefit him. Or he will keep pedophilia like older people's pedophilia a secret. Knowing that Dodo has so many secrets and lies; he could manipulate any situation into his convincible stories.

Knowing that my self development goals are a long list of objectives, aims, goals, targets and resolutions. I know that I don't have a plan to approach this list. I have to focus on my physical fitness in order to improve.

We continually improve on ourselves each time we work towards fitness. It's always working on ourselves and learning the strength to get back at it. To get into a groove and the swing of things. Knowing that I've been through many hellish times in my life; I know that I've danced with devils worst than my step uncle. I know that I want to make a good home somewhere. Personal growth is always expanding my mind to reach out of the comfort zone. And learn new things.

Knowing that I've been restricted to an island. I know that I've never went on vacation by myself. I'll never get that experience because the Morrison family wanted me insane and that's what they got. I know that I don't fit any perfect criteria for being a ideal match. But I know that I have a level of education, training and driving level where I could work my butt off; with a second transplant kidney.

Self development is an area of we continually grow personally. Personal evolutionary growth is where I have to learn to take my own personal history and make new memories. I know that I'm nobody famous but at least I could write something. My grammar may suck; my sense of urgency in writing is gone; my eagerness to capture what I see in my head, with words is gone. To a point. I know that I have the passion to write. Knowing that writing, or typing can be a thing. I'm still happy with my building, or culminating oeuvre. It's a seminal truth growing into a principle and foundation, of a good Pillars of truth. I know that I have a personal history and I'm not that smart.

But everyone that have been learning how evil can be permeable and nebulous? That's easy if you could understand the upbringing of sexual explorations in my youth. The truth is that I had to use extreme coping.

Old school tried to prevailed but they aren't stigma-free. They have to be unbiased and in stigma-free states. Knowing that's their punishment for being old school. They were struggling with the psycho-historic scars of Indian Residential Schools, Indian Day Schools and so much more. Yeah I understand that they had struggles and a good truth-bending prejudicial distinctions and treatments. I don't think Dodo knows his self. I know that people wanted truth to become, of angels and demons, and the rest of us mere mortals, powerful. I know that anyone can have a convincing story. And learning that people can tell a tall tale. Truth hits you like a ton of pricks like how the Holocaust survivors could hit.

I have to live with that as an Indigenous descendant. I have to learn their generational histories, curses and traumas. Knowing that I've been discriminated against.

Morality issues neuroethically speaking still exist today. And everyone has intergenerational impacts, multi-generational curses and discriminations. And have some form of abuses and criminality. Everyone is hiding something and I don't want to dig. I want them to read. Non-fictions and other books that have a cadre of psychological/intellectual works. I know that with self development I have to read during the evening. And hopefully I can because learning is something valuable in this world. A stigma-free community is impossible because in Eskasoni there is so many people that have psycho-historic conditions and schemas. A justice/historic story if you will.

My story was post-truth for the longest time. And Dodo hated me so much that he didn't want to let his hatred show. He wanted me to suffer. And learning that I was in a toxic, intergenerational curses of addictions.

He gotten what he came for. Derailing me big time. Knowing that I couldn't get my own life together in Eskasoni. I kind of lived a simplistic lifestyle ideally. I had dates when they were there; I had money when I needed them; I always had a home when I needed it. 

But I got back on track after the 7 years of torment. And learning that I've suffered and gotten gaslighted for it. I know that choices never existed in my life. Everyone hated me and I couldn't get nothing positive. Knowing that I had to move for a better life; I'd learnt that I was a valuable and loved person in We'koqma'q community. I could contribute and do things properly in We'koqma'q community.

I know that people hated me so much they were tired of me. So I'd moved and they haven't missed me other than my friends and family that value me. I have frienenemies and family that do hate me.

Living in a group home can have its benefits. Everything is cleaned and cooked for me; I have support when I'm tired, and I do get to go out every Friday; I get to have clear access to WiFi and cable; and have a homephone and two cups of tea: small cups. The Mawita'mk Support Workers help out with my bedroom chores. And I have privacy in my own bedroom. They knock for supper and I get to exercise any time I want to in the sunroom. There is a pool table here and extra food preparations. 

But that means I get lazy, languished and loose motivation. My sense of purpose gives me reasons to live my life in this socioeconomic reality. Where hunting and living off the land is an option. And a good deal of simple life can become a good thing, as nature can have its effects on us. Having reasons and a sense of purpose I think I could feel good about myself, to work within certain places. I have culturology to teach me stuff; I have truthology to learn from; I have ontology and metaphysics to learn from; I have science, philosophy and psychology to learn from. 

I know that I need to work on myself. Self development is important; I've made considerable progress in my time in We'koqma'q community. It seems that Mawita'mk Society wants me because I'm way focused on self development. I want to edify, or improve on myself, current books I'm reading and a good deal of support from Mawita'mk Society. Like Friedrich Nietzsche said: "morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men". And seeing that morality can be something in the way of progress. 

I know that he also said: "sometimes people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed". He also said " what was a lie in the father becomes a conviction in the son". Or daughter... 

I know that I am loving the fact I had good teachers, guides, supports and culturological teachers. Knowing that I have been learning about a good deal of safety, respect and value in my life. I know that I couldn't become financially independent because I was mostly stuck on Eskasoni Welfare. 

I know that people didn't want me to live a good life, with full driver's license, full-time employment and full-time monogamous relationship. I wanted my life to be that enrichen with a intercultural, interdependent and balanced relationship with a white chick. Because she appreciates and loves better. I know that is forming relational influences with certain people.