A Former Addict turned Role Model?

Learning that Rosie wants me to be an Role Model isn't what I want. But the fact is that I am a Role Model. I have my level of education, training and driving level where I could be employable in Cape Breton and other areas of this global economy. I have been a child addict and the only witnesses I have is KJ Francis(Bloge) from Eskasoni. I have been learning that Ricky Gould don't  have any value, significance or meaning to my life. I know that reading therapies, coping skills and learning life skills is what my stepfather has taught me. Well not therapies but I know that I was taught trade skills, survival tricks and tips, coping skills and psychologies. Ricky isn't a great guy, so many have talked about Ricky like he is something.

People wanting me to listen to Ricky is like a therapist listening to a well balanced mind. No interesting thing to say and I need to work within learning. Ricky is about frustrating as a cowardly moral bitch. He doesn't want to admit I don't need him.

I know that over the years my stepfather has made me self-sufficient in terms of coping and learning. My stepfather didn't have to deal with former addicts that don't have any value, significance or meaning to his life. I know that Ricky talks too much. I know that moderation is key to doing certain things. Last night I was let to speak about my past and learning that I've been discriminated on through ageistic authority. I know that Ricky doesn't respects me as an intellectual authority. I know these things because the way he treats me. I know his stories are incomprehensibly boring. And knowing all these therapies, books and eBooks are better than Ricky.

Nobody at Mawita'mk Society doesn't hold respect for me because they would rather force their sense of boredom on to me. I know that nobody in We'koqma'q or Mawita'mk respects me.

Morality issues with certain people is that I'm useless and have to listen. They discriminate, humiliate, manipulate and intimidate. That is abuse based on ageism, ableism and colorism. They all think I'm something teachable when I know that I have all the knowledge I need in life, in my collection of books. Ricky is making a big deal out of me because he doesn't believe in doctors or books. Learning from people is always boring to me. They are always talking about the same things I've heard in the past. They have nothing to contribute to me. I am made to suffer out Ricky's ranting because people in We'koqma'q community believes in ageistic authority.

I may not win with certain native children about that view. But I know that people think that they could control me. It's a desire from Chaos and disorders in their lives. Gaslighting me and discriminating me, not right.

I know that certain people wants me to listen instead of research, read, cope and learn. As long as there is intergenerational toxicity and hatefulness, there will always be power that absolutely corrupts. Not the saying but I am paraphrasing. If I had my own place I would experiment on my cooking n' baking to see what I could come up with. All the life skills I could've focused on in my life instead of getting high in Eskasoni. If I had my old place back I would invest my time into building a homey little place through cooking n' baking. And than cleaning and organizing. Using that Life Skills eBook.

I know that Rosie thinks that this is living up to my fullest potential. I don't want any pictures with old people. I know that I want to learn from others. I know that if I had my old place back I would put all my things in there. And start buying stuff for my own kitchen. I hope that I could make it a good place.

I would work if I had that place. But not right now because I need my second transplant kidney. So I am focused on losing weight and having a consistent habitual experience. I don't want to stay in We'koqma'q community forever. I hope that Eskasoni has their Community Support Workers and I could update my living arrangements in Eskasoni. Knowing that they are becoming murderous. I know that my sister don't want me to live independently because I don't have any sanity. I know it's a type of ableism to not believe, or have faith in my capabilities to take care of myself.

I don't need to provide for my family. They are self-sufficient. So I just gotta ideally provide for myself. I have no woman and I have no kid to take care of. I have no domestic pet or anything like that. Cleaning and organizing my bedroom is all I gotta to do. I know that in terms of my independence.

I am hated and disliked because everyone wants their respect or power of respect in certain age. Knowing that women mostly lie about their ages all over the world. I know that I don't trust women and younger or older people. Or people my age. Nobody has honored me in them earning my trust from me. Feeling like I don't have any respect because of certain treatments. My real dad would make sure people would respect me. I know that I've experienced discriminations from everyone. Ageistic authority and the powers that they use in terms of relational influences. I know that I'm insane but disliked because of philosophy of respect.

Because of Aboriginal Lateral Violence (ABL),through belief systems of Indian Residential Schools, Indian Day Schools and Colonization, my step uncle have believed in corporal discipline. Which is the phenomenon that is the result of his life experiences.

Colonization, oppressionism, many layers in types of discrimination and abuses from Indian Day Schools, intercultural colorism, intergenerational trauma, racism, and forced shared beliefs. The forced culture underground which he submits to has been toxic and hateful in ways where they don't want to admit, validate, acknowledge, accept or believe in their wrong-doings. They don't want to see that what they are doing is wrong. 

Colorism and colonial beauties have often made me aware that my skin is like mud. I am not beautiful because I am a wuss and nothing in my arsenal of life skills, trade skills or fitness skills, could I ever recover from my own ugliness. Women don't want me and I always have to deal with multi-generational disconnects, curses, perpetuaters of intergenerational cycle and corporal discipline. I know that I'm hated because I speak truths. Well actually try to. I hate myself for what I've put others through.

Ricky is like a guy that doesn't like to give proper respect to certain people. He loves the fact that I'm the smallest, insignificant and infinitesimal person to have any insights. I don't need Ricky and Ricky probably wants me to need him. I've been beaten, battered and bruised. I've been through John Milton's work "Paradise Lost" starting out young. I am well read and well taught by Billie Aquan. I have a collection of books and pdfs, eBooks and encyclopedias to read. I have tons of intellectuals on my smartphone, keeping me well informed.

Ricky always have something to say. I know that Ricky wants to be valuable, significant and meaningful because he talks a lot. But please shut up. I know that Indian Day School scholars don't want to learn. Dodo wanted to keep certain powers in play. Ricky reminds me of Dodo, always something to say and refuses to shut up.

People that are adults when I was a kid wants me to shut up. They are trying to manipulate, intimidate, bully and deprived me of employment opportunities. They are trying to deflect, use Freudian rationalizations, talk about old school like it saved them. Dodo has been affected to be desensitized, or numb to violence. They are people that need to be in control of someone else's life. And that's Dodo and older folks like Ricky. Ricky hasn't hitted me but learning that "Corporal discipline" is a weapon for controllability. I know that I've experienced discriminations and abuses from my stepfather's family. 

Ageistic authority is what they believe because they don't think "Relational influences", "Situational forces" or "Social Dynamics" is a corruptive forces in the institutions, organizations and industries of today's world. Through all that I have reasons to drink and smoke cigarettes, smoke up because I am morally bankrupted.

But because of Mawita'mk Society I have Pillars of Truthology, the moral philosophy of truthfulness, to develop my own traditions and heritage. I know that truth is truth; there is no moral philosophy to it. Knowing that I have to deal with certain moral problems because of old school deficit-based approaches. Because of Aboriginal Lateral Violence (ABL), they have "Mass Internalized Colonialism" which can lead to harmful behaviors to younger people like "Corporal Discipline". 

Neuroethically speaking their emulators or "Role Models" are people that have been violently treated. Religion has tried to define "suffering" as a moral lessons. The philosophy of suffering has been talking about a profound disturbance that morally defines your grounds.

My anti-authoritarianism is because I was supposed to identify, clarify and stand up to corruption, hypocrisy, ageistic authority...

Suffering for a cause is learning family values and beliefs. It's to define suffering as the meaning of moral examples. I have been surrounded by intercultural intellectuals all my life. Learning the intricate webs of inter-culturologies and interculturalism in Cape Breton. I know that Ricky has some kind of value, significance or meaning in this community. I'd lived with addicts in the bottom part of my old home. And had Dodo as the drunkard that kept coming by. Noticeably kept on coming by. I know that the Morrison family wanted me to suffer for them. I know that Dodo didn't care about corruption or traumas causing hypersexuality and hyper-independence. A new philosophy of two cultures coming together in food, music, sex and relationships.

Family life can be demanding but there are loopholes for reasons to drink, smoke and do drugs.

Which are examples of how people can get addicted and beaten up. Knowing that I've needed a place of my own to take care of; I have crawled and worked my mind to for self development. Learning that people wanted to help me in my goal-mindedness and direction of self development. I know that Ricky wouldn't understand the "Relational Influences", "Situational Forces" and "Social/Relationship Dynamics" could have impacts on my life. The common dichotomy between good and evil has been changed and controlling what you say isn't going to change the works of Dr. Philip Zimbardo. I know that I don't have any reasons to listen to Ricky because he hasn't understood my work. 

Extreme individualistic prejudice is the case and the egocentric biases to serve these kinds of prejudices are being challenged. It appeals to my sense of anti-authoritarianism. Knowing that I've been discriminated against over the years I've been in Eskasoni.
I know that I have been addicted but haven't wrote intellectual works that have impacted. I know that people wanted neuroethically speaking; me to be silent in my head. 

Knowledge kept in my grave and deepen my understanding of the scientific nature of the intellectual property of copyrighted, published works. Knowing that I have read to an extent; the whispers of anti-intelligence people run deep in my life because Dodo wanted me free-thinking of truths and facts of my darken life. I have to go through the shame to find my center again, this time on my own. Learning that I've been addicted and bruised, battered and beaten. I know how the toxic culture goes.

The ideas that I have are that I need to be in an academic, university level of education to understand fully the concepts and other terms I had in these blogs. Knowing that I have a good life in We'koqma'q community. I know that I had a good shadows with Dr. Carl Gustav Jung and Dr. Sigmund Freud. But I know that psycho-historic terms are what I need to work on. Psychoanalytic terms are what I need to work on in my own dissertation for my doctoral program. If I ever get that far.

Properly siting and sourcing my work would take patience. Hopefully everyone sees this as an example of works coming. But it isn't properly sited or sourced like how I would've done an academic research. I know this is just a blog and I am playing with words. This is just to map out what I want to work on. 

Knowing that my family don't have any faith, or confidence or trust in my ability to function by myself. I know that they are watching my moves very carefully. And they want me to consider all that love when is "control freak" kind of thing. Determined, directed and motivated I could move out of Mawita'mk Society and live by myself. I want to prove that I have what it takes for self developmental goals to reach a level of functional self-sufficiency where they could see noticeable differences, effects and improvements in my life. 

Like getting in shape and developing my physical health through fitness, walking and nutrition. Hopefully I can build a lot of muscles and have larger meals at the end of this year. I want to prove to Mawita'mk Society I know muscular physical atrophy and I want to use that kind of atrophization as motivation, direction and determination to keep moving. I'd suffered muscle atrophy and people in Eskasoni came at me, at my weakest. I haven't trained or gotten into fitness real good like how I want to. 

But I don't want to be a vindictive fool and go on a rampage. That's why I put all of my frustration, all of my feeling into working out. I know that I had a good run and this isn't over yet. I have to build up my resources enough to make it on my own. Knowing that what I've known all my life. I have to stay firm and calm. I'm kind of sick and tired of my sisters getting away with getting monies from me. Every time I have some luck; my sisters are there to swipe it. I have to stand up for myself. Ownership of my personal development is taking personal responsibility and leadership over my own life. 

At AA the other night I was coaxed by non-verbal cues to tell my story, which is still forcing people and putting them on the spot. I think that Ricky is useful as a balanced, stable mind to a therapist is, no problem or no need for a therapist. I know that I have a lot of reasons to stay in We'koqma'q community but little reasons to go AA. I know that We'koqma'q community members believes in their community. I know that I've suffered deficit-based approaches in violence and discriminations while living in Eskasoni. 

But I don't think I want to talk about the small good stuff. Its really not the worth in love or healing. In Eskasoni High school I could've graduated from, I know that I was left behind because I did not have any professional credentials, professional job experiences or anything like that in my twenties. Where I was something of a ideally living single bachelor; I knew that I was living in an subsistence economy. And knowing this I couldn't go on dates or get to places because I did not have any smartphone, cellphone or flipphone technologies. 

But not having a cellphone didn't stop me from having Playstation 2 and games and joysticks, TV, radio and cigarettes and tubes, machine and tobacco tub. I wasn't done partying at my old places. I did not have any regular party and my landlords tried to control every aspect of my life. They did not leave me alone and that goes for people in the places I'd lived at. I had a drunken lullaby sang to me, I had women and food. I did not graduate from school but I had a good time by myself, with ladies and friends, and a good deal of reading. 

It could've maximized my life in ways where I had connection to the outside world. But I'd lived ideally without any doubt, except with that gay rapist that kept bothering me. I know that people that are gay wanted me to accept their feelings when my feelings of right channels me back to heterosexuality. I know that now people are using homosexism as an excuse to keep me in this state.

Learning that I've been discriminated against and abused, I know that I love the gay community but I need to work through some feelings of such discriminations. First time I was hit I was taught that I deserved to be hit. Learning that old school psychology in young adults didn't have any respect for responsibility in like cheating, I knew that other pettily ass problems arose because I was an intellectual. 

I don't know what quality makes me a Role Model in We'koqma'q community? I know that my biological mother taught me coping skills to hold her secret. She lived a life to the fullest extent of her ability. And there was a possibility of a book in her future. I know that I couldn't really write a biography of her because I don't want to learn about her that way. But that's the path I have to take.

I am the oldest of the family. And just because my sisters have kids they get recognized as family people. Growing toxic culturology in the family is sticking with the family. I know that forgiveness is a difficult concept, and virtue to maintain. I know that I have to deal with the Devil and dance with demons and addicts. To make my way out of hell and into heaven. I know that super heavy weight I had to bear the brunt of their assaults on me. And Billie Jean Aquan have been largely protected because she is a cry baby. 

That's what she is teaching me; to cry over long-over due issues. I know that I've been discriminated against and abused over the years being with the Morrison family. They've wanted me to remember that I was less of a person because I am adopted. They didn't value me; they only seen an opportunity to abuse and discriminate, manipulate and intimidate, humiliate and deprive. I know that I could trust Mawita'mk Society. 

Once I have passed this signpost in my life, a milestone which I can pass with ease. I know that I have trusted Mawita'mk Society to a good trajectory. It's ever-growing trust they've earned with the original workers I've met up with. Well kind of because I know that I have many signposts, time of the Era and milestones I've reached. This Role Model milestone or, signpost have gotten me in the times of my new life. Muchmusic hasn't been on air since I'd moved to We'koqma'q community.

I know that I've been an uncle, a father, a older brother, a graduate of NSCC Adult Learning Program, NSCC Construction Trades Labor program and Unama'ki Driving Program. I am a Mi'kmaq student, a experienced unofficial handyman, Carpenter, laborer and landscaper, gardener and a former addict. 

I know that I've been learning that I don't have any family wanting me. I know that people wanted truth because they are way too nosy. It's not for the value of helping out but rather forced sharing. I know that forced, shared feelings and forced sharing has been a large part of my individualism training. 

The more I stay here; the more I get stuff done. Knowing that I have a lot of imagination of driving, working and listening to BNL on my own SUV. Hopefully I can get adjusted economically and financially like that, having a car, become financially independent, fully licensed driver, full-time employee, and a fit person. I have had a lot of grieving process which was an experience of moving away from home. I know that was a major grieving part of my grieving process. 

The more I do good in We'koqma'q community. The more reasons I build up to live my life, with a sense of purpose, humor and happiness. To Live my life and build up my life to a level of routine, discipline and habits that I could use, and do my life skills at Mawita'mk Society. I don't have to worry about groceries, clothes, wherewithals or logistics of my parcels. 

I want to be economically routined, personally disciplined and financially motivated, mentally focused and holistically determined. To work on myself the way Mawita'mk Society is wanting me to work on myself. Fuck feeling fears; I have to show commitment. And I have been by going school, therapy and appointments. Hopefully I can get my BA degree first because I want to have Environment, Psychology and Addictions as a triple major. I know that I have my ALP education, trade school training and driving level practice. 

I know that I love my life to the fullest and getting over this fear and guilt, grief and pain was the hardest thing I could've faced. Knowing that I had to go dark places and learn the life lessons, how to relate to people, how to protect, guard and keep emotionally safe the women in my life. To the nieces and nephews, I love ya but sometimes people can be a pain in my ass. Wrongs that needed to be perpetuated because they needed evidence, my corruption, demoralization and beliefs in nothing being wrong. I know that my step family have discriminated against me. 

I am second generation, learning the strengths, powers, skills and time I have to work on myself. Rosie don't want me to think for myself because I have been wanting my full driver's license. But for some reasons I don't have any value, significance or meaning to convince her I could go for my full driver's license. Nobody wants my independence because Rosie and probably Sheila don't want my independence. Everyone that have been holding me back have mention, opinionated or voiced against me. Knowing that they are willing to defend theirselves, I know that I'm stuck dhere I'm at. 

I don't want to do the play because I am not doing the goals I want to do. And Sheila doesn't give two fucks about me because it's professional care. Knowing that I cannot get things I want done in my life; I know that Mawita'mk Society had been conspiring against me because I am paranoid schizophrenic. 

I know that my sister Billie Jean has been calling me stupid and ignorant with certain words. Most of my time have been defending my position in trying to get my full driver's license. But I don't have time for my goals but Mawita'mk Society's goals? That's a regulated, operated and manipulating ways of controlling me.