Attritional Poverty Pt 1

Learning about the Man's Search for Meaning, a book by Dr. Viktor E. Frankl. I know that I have read this to an extent and I know its a heavy book. It's about Jews and The Holocaust. Learning how to make meaning out of that is powerful. Like how Out of the Depths by Isabel Knockwood have impacted me; I know that Man's Search for Meaning is similar. They both have mass murders and genocide in their present. They both had to make meaning out of suffering, defined it and work on it.

I had an ideally simple lifestyle where it was idyllically simplistic living where I was a country boy. I was a Heavy Metal Philosopher, Mad Scientist and Pocket Hulk. I know that I had a lot of nicknames tried and not stick. I know that something sticking was Flanders like Flander's Field. Names can have their impacts. But I know that books too, have their impacts too.

Learning how to make meaning out of suffering, I know that I'm accepted, respected, loved and valued by my step parents. I know that I am appreciated and appreciative where I love my step parents for what they've went through with me. They've fought tooth and nail to get me back in school. I know that I was supposed to graduate at the age of 18: the year 2003. And knowing that I've been trying to develop, evolve, grow and thrive in We'koqma'q community. I know that Eskasoni is a bad place now, they have murders and it's worst than before with addictions. I cannot protect my peace in Eskasoni, I cannot live ideally simplistic in Eskasoni, I cannot live by myself in Eskasoni. And no matter what level of education I have, Eskasoni has murderers and pedophiles. And women abusers. Making meaning out of my suffering would take a while. I just gotten over the grief of moving out of Eskasoni.

I know that I'm hated in Eskasoni. And knowing that people are unwilling to learn. I know that it's because of trauma-dysregulated mind's dysfunctionality. And I know that I was in the middle of the crossfire. I know that people have made my life a miserable boredom instead of ideally simplistic lifestyle. I had low-income but no GST or Christmas bonuses or any income from school. I know that I did not have any good financial support system in Eskasoni because they all was busy. And knowing that trauma's response to help is hypersexuality and hyper-independence I knew that I was fighting my protective instincts when I was searching for meaning.

Attritional poverty is having no opportunity, not having any respectability, prestige or any college material kind of intelligence. Learning that Attritional poverty is having something taken away from you at such a young age.

I know there are two types of suffering, useful and useless. It's a hard battle to not have enantiodromia of these concepts. But one is for moral suffering and self discipline. I was a terrified kid learning a violent world from addicts. And having a type of suffering where you don't make sense of your suffering, I know that I was a bully to myself. You have this sense of contentment and well-being where you cannot relate to anyone, and everyone is relating ta ya. Knowing that I had a powerful experience such as child addiction and child molestation while I'd witnessed my biological mother's story. I know that the beatings and violence associated with corporal discipline has been a moral suffering.

The alexithymic profundity of suffering can cause enantiodromia. Learning that I have to trust in family and Mawita'mk Society, I know that running my own brain can be tricky.

Especially with schizophrenia. This is an old battle: the fight for independence. What's independence? A self governing of personal affairs. And a socioeconomic aspect to it through the accessibility of work. Learning that I am a disabled future employee I know that through Mawita'mk Society I am learning to keep commitments and appointments. I am honoring my disabilities by checking in with them. Well I know life management skills and job skills. My stepfather doesn't have faith, or trust in my capabilities because that is what he gotten used of. Me doing nothing and haven't no evidence, examples or demonstrations of my accomplishments, of my life skills, of my job skills and other skills.

Tonight is Sunday, March 31st and he lives at Chapel Island. I know that he just took his gambling frustrations out on me when I was vulnerable. I know that he tries to earn my trust, and our dysfunctional relationship...

My stepfather is my biggest critic. My jaded critic who always wants to bring me down and ruin any confidence. Egocentric biases have served him well in survival situations. 

Today his gambling addiction has taken me to the point of doubt about him being sane and emotionally healthy. My stepfather is my biggest power dynamic imbalace struggle that I have to deal with in my life. He abuses me in ways where I have trustworthiness to his name. I never had confidence in my life, I had self-assurance that I would fuck up but I never had any positive self-assurance where I had self-efficacy. Only with my bloodline family.

Attritional poverty is wearing you down to not take a stand and not to use your lessons. My stepfather don't want me to become independent because he knows that I didn't needed him. Yes! I'd lost my real father and didn't repair any damages.

Attritional poverty is wearing you down through poverty and taking away what's rightfully yours. I know that my stepfather is the cheapest man to shut people up. Knowing that my stepfather likes to tear me down. 

Narcissistic Personality in him isn't challenged. The Morrison family always torn me down and never taught me anything. Even if they did teach, they'd torn my confidence down first and say that I would fuck up. My stepfather never liked me running my own brain or life. Learning that I never could've had the confidence to pull off emancipation from my parents in my teenage years. They could argue back and never take responsibility for tearing me down.

I never amounted to nothing in schools; Chuck kept me away from Eskasoni community-operated school systems. And Dodo kept me torn down without any confidence.

And with the Morrison family I always had this negative beliefs, energies and feelings they've taught in me. Demoralization came next and depriving me of school opportunities, educational goals and sports. I knew that the Morrison family had my name, identity, my family pride and my sense of bloodline changed for the siblings. I was transformed into this family guy who never had family pride. They've dominated my life without any mercy, leniency or compassion. My cousin Ray was just trying to use me for money. 

Ageistic authority, classism and disablism has ruled my life. I couldn't copyright and publish. Educationalism was a means to get me back in school.

My stepfather still has powers over me, he doesn't want to give up. Knowing that I have been taught the right way from their perspective. I knew that independent life wasn't mine.

Yes I'm schizophrenic. Yes I have a few disabilities. But I haven't lived a life where I had to self-rely on myself with a level of education, training and driving level in my hometown. Mawita'mk Society has lifted that heavy weight from me and I know that I don't have any benefits from Eskasoni Welfare. I know that I have been learning that Eskasoni Welfare is low-income lifestyle and because of what I have; disabilities in my life, is because I've token up and smoked cigarettes. 

It should be a type of recovery model where I got my sanity back. Not have a Chronic Condition. I need to work on my body and forget what my stepfather said.

He doesn't know me that well. Not one word of encouragement, motivation, positive affirmation or words of determination. He doesn't know my physical body and I know that he doesn't care for me. He uses me for his image.

Have me disempowered, dissuaded, discredited and dysregulated. I know that I have a dysfunctional working relationship with this old man. He doesn't want me to be thriving, independent, rich with life experiences, resources, tools and skills. He doesn't want to hear how the trades have changed and what I should expect in the construction industry. I could have Landscaping and General Contracting business. Have my Carpentry division in Carpentry, cabinetry and woodworking services. And have my yard clean-up service, my yard work services, lawn maintenance services, gardening or building garden boxes. And planting trees and flowers. I have a green thumb and I want to do these things for my own business.

My stepfather had an easy life of getting jobs and having his ways. I know that I have to face my generational curses of my real father. I am still anti-authority and nobody have earned my trust fully. I'd learnt my lessons with my stepfather, my real father and my step uncles. I know that I was taught a lot over the years. Morality issues has arisen because teachers wanted me to accept their educationalism and educationism. And I know that I had my step parent's educationalism of Indigenous knowledge. 

RCMP, services like that and jobs that require education. The police military is already here through military means, rampant racism and violence from RCMP,  DFO and other forms of discriminatory services have been learning to apply inhumane tactics and lies. They don't have any rights to take a truck for evidence, or fishing gears or phones or shoes. They spread lies and manipulate every situation because they are racially blind. They should get rid of these services altogether and have nothing but tribal police forces. 

Wearing me down through malnourishment, poverty and manipulations. I know that people don't want me to get it right. I had to move because I did not belong to any clique back in my day. Financial abuses was happening, no one wanted to get their education, or graduate from school because they just wanted the medical information for drugs. I know that people in Eskasoni don't want to be sober, sensible and good. They assumed because certain people have hated they get to hold on to pettiness. 

I know that my step uncles hold onto pettiness and disregard me as a intellectual authority. Knowing that certain people don't understand me and wants to simply talk. I know that I read in-depth psychoethics, neuroethics and social psychology. I know that certain people don't want me to explain certain things, uses ageistic authority to confuse and cause enantiodromia. And get certain words mixed up. I know that AA and NA promotes individualistic confidence. It's like I don't have any powers to convince certain people of social psychological works. 

To some degree social dynamics, relational influences and situational forces have been largely ignored because of certain native individualistic applicability. I know that I've been discriminated against and abused over the years. Socially I've been discriminated against as a addict. I hadn't need AA, or NA for anything. I knew what I was going to study, read, research and learn. I know that my story was about weed, drinking and suffering drug-related mental illness. I've needed only what I needed to get that kind of high. 

I've been reading Neuroethics: Mapping The Field, Man's Search for Meaning by Dr. Viktor E. Frankl, The Lucifer Effect by Dr. Philip Zimbardo, The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Matè and a few others. Knowing that people gets easily confused by my words in scientific principles, expositions or explanations. I know that certain people don't want to admit their influences, or ignorance.