A Life In A Lie

Learning that anything I create in the life of a lie doesn't make sense with truthfulness. I don't think I've made sense with philosophy and psychology at the beginning. Thinking that it's my brain and they ignore physical assault with their accusations. I know that they have shapen my ideas and principles I was going to be going with. I know that I have a good life in We'koqma'q community but they don't have any room for me emotionally and mentally? 

So I hope that the Interagency could help out with my BA degree program work terms. Hopefully I can triple major in my BA psychology course. I know that I am understanding the types of neurosis and a good deal of addictional shames and poverty. Intergenerational ageistic authority and multi-generational sexism and impacts of Indian Residential Schools and other works of colonization has been hindering and forceably seen in terms of malleability, controllability and blind amenability in my life. I know that I could deeply feel for music if I just focus. Most of my life I've been dominated by certain people in my life. Knowing what kind of level of hatred I could conjure up. I know that people think that doing evil can teach if they force it.

I know that people have been getting stronger in terms of muscles and muscular physical endurance and strength. Francis set up the psychology of a minion in me. Knowing that the Morrison went with it. I know that now I'm learning their consequences means to me emotionally. I'm small compared to my adoptive family's strength. Learning that I cannot believe in the firm convictions of my faith when I need to. It's too incredible that I accomplished what I have done. 

While people here where managing my expectations and motivations to work on myself. Knowing that is how I operate. I know that I don't have the self discipline to work on my own body. Through my directional expectations and determined motivations I am trying to build a good body that I'm proud of. People don't want me to put in the work because they don't want an insane person strong. Trying to come up with a new way of thinking. 

I have theories of psycho-history of human relationships, I just got to read the doctoral and professional works of doctors, scientists and researchers. The main researchers I am relying is in Gottman Institute. Trying to develop my own theories when bloodletting theories and claim/authority theory can be stated. This deals with discourse of power and a good deal of being deluionary and illuionary happy with the status quo. I know that my stepfather allowed perpetuation and continuation of addictions in my life. And I know that he could argue he tried his best. Indigenous parents with non-native complexion has a more struggles of getting recognized as a native. My Devotibio, a Freudian relational energy theory where I think a good deal of positive, moral spanking and a good deal of tough love can be something. Deep psychological warfare manipulations and deprivations of power in running my own brain has been a sign of moral cowardice. I know that psychological operations or operant conditioning or old psychological theories being used for psychological warfare purposes has been part of my claim/authority theory. 

Intentional language and Directional Anger because of moral outrages are important. Learning that I had to learn my humility(the ability to see things real meaningfully, share a connection with someone through Devotibio and have a good conversation) is the healing resilience of a relationship because the intentional and managed directionality of emotional intelligence comes alive with emotional literacy and emotional catharsis. The skill of deliverance and eloquence of using such semantic directionality is to use ontologically speaking your truthology(the investigative knowledge and methodology of research and training of truthfulness to its absolute validity and catharsis). Through relational energies (the taught emotional literacy) you have the Parent ego-state, Adult ego-state and Child ego-state and Relational Managerial Consciousness. 

This phenomenological system of communication is shared by billions. We pick and choose our allies, friends, colleagues and who we let into our lives. The addicts won't accept that I have boundaries because they are moral cowards that gotten enraged and don't want to miss out. Learning that I don't have any training in psychoanalytic schools or psychotherapy. I want to work on my theories with a bunch of textbooks and schooling before I can work within my realm of possibilities on my end. 

In living in We'koqma'q community and have to move back home. But not until I get my objective steps or goals done. I know that I have a good life and in this life I could know peace like I had never before. I know that I have good people in my life, I know and have tough love experiences which could be vilified as abusive. Drunkards are the beginning of historic grief and traumas. Historic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is what we have to deal with. Learning that I have to learn Traumatology book and so much psychological/scientific research into traumas. I know there are equally important factors into Devotibio (Devotion, Time and Biology). Learning that we can enjoy with reframing the perspective when needed. 

My bio-social time theory hasn't changed. We can enjoy what we work on because workability, viability and meaning can come from history of a job, jobs, professions, occupations, work, works and labor and labors. Language is important because we need to work on our own art of listening. What truth will you validate? What will work? I know that I have experienced Indigenous life where I found verbal judo has Devotibio in this kind of reading. 

This is the simple definition of Devotibio: the phenomenological collection of systems in communication and the Relational/Managerial Consciousness . Best known as Intelligent Egocentric/Empathy Creativity in the Cerebrum. I know that I am not a psychologist but I've been reading. Everyone that has been learning from my blog has this Alexithymic Profundity of Deep Intelligent Creativity where we all could come up with excuses and keep to the lie. It could be considered exercising the memory. Truthological traditional practices and ideological customs has come from history in Native Canadian Business, Democracy and Governance. 

I know that I need to get academic training in thinking creatively and about my theories. I know that I'm a youth and have no business in naming certain things. But I want to expand my own mind. Throughout my life I've been wanting to understand the dynamics of relationships between Id, Superego and Ego. And Dr. Eric Berne's works. Is this truthfulness? Are these valid points I am making? Is it eloquent and with force? 

A life in a lie or secret is a creative advantage to have a good deal of Addictional Poverty. This kind of Attritional Poverty is a theory too, where you have to learn the emptiness of an established thing in your life taken away. Learning that there is stimulus/playfulness needs, recognition/established needs, and structural/routine way of habitually thinking. I know that I've situationally empathize where I had Poverty and battle with Epigenetic Addictional Poverty. Which from Addictional Poverty is a General Addictional Poverty. 

There are types of poverty that could determine your moral strengths and weaknesses. And there are those economic types of poverty that has tested your character. No man would want a woman that is a whore. Who is psycho-sexually fickle and frivolous. I know that beauty is a prerequisite to a ease of use of my money, economic resources and other things that women have entitlement to. It has to be a shared partnership. 

What makes a good woman these days? And why is it that they chosen criminals or deadbeats who are always irresponsible and not accountable for anything? I ain't a good man but there are a few good men that have been ignored. I don't want to lose my survival instincts and sense of independence. Self-sufficiency has kept me alive so far and I know that I have good relationships and shared mental spaces. But I need to re-evaluate my situations because Dodo told the truth to my stepfather. I have to figure out where I stand in this world. I think he told him everything. Dodo may not have raped me when I was 5 years old. But someone has. 

What repressed feelings and thoughts have he controlled? What repressed, hidden memories have he put away? My memories of being a child addict with my stepfather's lawn mowing scepter Jerry gas can have been their greatest investment in my lifelong struggles of addictions. My stepfather and my step family have traded my morality for their addictions. And taught me and convinced me addictions is the only way. Their relational influences and persuasions have brought nothing but a lifelong struggle with addictions and poverty.

Intergenerational ageistic authority (prejudicial authority) have been my ultimate power to kill. I know that they had convincing for their way or addictions! Moral cowards who didn't want the true responsibility of my health, or the true freedom from them. My true emotions is based on their relational influences and persuasions. They had control all those years and told me many things and stuff. I am not perfect but they have convinced me that amenability, controllability and malleability was the way to learn temperance, forbearance, endurance, obedience, perseverance, diligence, patience, prudence and wisdom. I'd learned that they had more fucks than me and the boys wasn't anything but convincing to be on their side. I was hated because of the Morrison family of Eskasoni's reign and tyranny. My accountability is that I did crimes because of the Morrison family's reign. Now they are trading my morality for their image. Putting me in a group home and having to regret it because I'm talking about relational influences and persuasions based on the childhood addictional poverty. The emotional mess they've created, they don't want to face because they are moral cowards. 

The child molestations I've suffered and their cover-up of their actions have them the terrible moral cowards. I know that I have been learning about options and how they operate. Dodo has been in my life since I was a baby. And learning that my biological mother died a moral coward. That's their legacy; covering up child molestations. It has been their reign of their relational influences and persuasions over my life. Nobody knows what it's like to take the full brunt of what I've been through. They prepare for the worst, which I haven't, was amenable to anyone and psycho-sexually indiscriminate. Nobody wants to admit they don't know anything because they are emotionally inclined to have a moral view of their egocentric biases against immorality. They have a view that it's my genetics or genes or dispositional bias. I know that respecting me is respecting my independence. They don't want to admit they are susceptible to immorality and criminality as I am. Because they are moral cowards. Evil doesn't have true empathy but I could learn to be "evil smart" like Dr. Philip Zimbardo said in The Lucifer Effect. 

People are moral cowards naturally. They don't want the evils to prevail because, of what they've experienced. They don't know true evil until they've done it. They cannot accept they are moral cowards. And knowing that I've been discriminated against because of their moral cowardice. I know that I have to work my own memory independent and clean from Dodo's relational influences and persuasions. I have the psychology of human relationships in a toxic, sickening depravity of their dysfunctionality. My step uncle is always hiding the true crimes of his past in my head because of his relational influences and persuasions. He hasn't let me processed or examined my childhood in any form or way. The "unexamined life isn't worth living" so Socrates says. 

I know that I'm still learning what I need to know from books, encyclopedias, eBooks, pdfs and Audible books. Learning is a multifaceted experience where what you notice is a way where I have to deal with information and lessons of my life. A life in a lie has creative genius and freedom from truths, to the Pneuma that we breathe and inhale and exhale. Everyone lies and wants to control everything. I am subjected to people's hatred of my strengths and virtues versus likes of my weaknesses and disabilities. I know that nobody wants me to have privacy because they don't respect my independence. Self-sufficiency is individualistic, egocentric biased lifestyle where I have to think for myself. Emotional/verbal abuses to psychological warfare holds have been my greatest struggles. A morality based on my own interests of being alone, that's been my goals all along. I'll just have sex to clear my mind. 

Learning self mastery through independence, which is obeying my own principles, beliefs and values. I know that people are scared of me building a good habit out of these principles, virtues, beliefs and values. I know that I'm still learning about the power of discipline through emotional shit storms. I know that I don't trust my own family because they personalized my head into their little summer house. I know that people don't respect my independence because I am anti-authority (prejudicial authority). I know that people's operandi modus is through the psychology, practices and skills of psychological warfare in discriminations and prejudice is just as strong as their faith. As long as they hate me they will see it as right because they forced their relational influences and persuasions into my life.

In my life of a lie I was malleable, amenable and controllable. I did not have faithfully committed myself to any projects. I was forced to work and do stuff that the Morrison family of Eskasoni wanted me to do through their relational influences and tactics of convincing n' persuasions. But I couldn't learn a skill because they didn't want truthfulness to reign. I know that I'm this ugly bastard of muddy skin. I know that I don't get any good women in my life. Even if it's for sexual purposes. I know that I'm still learning about emotional literacy and other coping skills. I know that I got an arsenal of eBooks, books and others of my own collection I have bought. It's merely for self improvement purposes and not for money. And a few DVDs and CDs for entertainment purposes too. Just in case WiFi is out. I know that in this life of a lie I have memories of learning skills, books and music. I am stuck between these corrupters and moral cowards who wants to dominate my life. 

There are agnoiology (theoretical studies of quality and conditions of ignorance) and agnotology (is the deliberate, culturally induced ignorance and doubt) which I know from experience that I was getting white lies that works, persuasive controllability and convincing malleability, and manipulative amenability from certain family. Truthology( the study of truths or traditional truthfulness) and epistemology (theory and philosophical study of the nature, methods, techniques, origins and demarcations of human knowledge; the human range of human knowledge) is what I want to know. I know that I'm loved and well taught by Dodo through his fucked up version of disciplineand love. I hate when he is right because he fucked me up and my ego-states. 

I know that I needed family and that's what he has provided. My stepfather who has taught me love through respecting me and my independence. My step granny who has taught me cooking and baking but I haven't practiced in years. My step uncles who showed me my mind and what the words mean to me considering the physical abuses. I know that they didn't intended to economically abused me and financially abused me. But it feels like they'd played it off as such. The Morrison family of Eskasoni has taught me shared meanings and how to navigate my emotions. They are in control of my emotions and faculties. A shared connections have made meanings and shared realm of possibilities. I haven't denied my uncles because I don't want to be known as a moral coward. I still have to explain and tell my story to my stepfather, of what I did. 

In my growing knowledge I have the deontological obligation and duty to my stepfather, to honor him in my name by marrying a wife and have psycho-sexual skills and methods in bed. I know that I was supposed to be the ideal candidate to be a family guy. I am a fumbling criminal, a botched second-rate thug and a fool of street smarts. I know that I have been wise before and I know that there was skills I'd shown. But sometimes I feel this way because I have so much successful accomplishments and careers in ways where I had a good banking system with my stepfather. Being hindered by my dysfunctional friends' greed. I know that I have memories of learning the verbal key words and stuff like that. I know that I've learned how to do criminology in a criminalistic like-way. 

Dodo has been financially abusing me because I have fucked his daughter. She was same age as me when I'd learned about sex amd cumming. I had to learn the art of seduction, anticipation and effort of the courtship later in life. I am still learning from Dr. John Gottman, and others. I know that Dodo hates me because he has an abusive side to him. So does Elijah but they both hide it well. I am learning what's toxic and what's healthy in my life. I know that with the Morrison family of Eskasoni they argue back and have their legendary relational influences and persuasions. And I know that Dodo has been responsible for a lot of bad in my life because everyone has stressed me out and mistreated me over the years. Morality isn't an issue because they assume to claim my independence. Now that's toxic shit that I had to go through. People's twisted logic of wanting to be around me because they want to make sure that they snuff out my light. Dodo has cheated and covered up and had a deep psychological warfare hold on me because of his daughter. Who was same age as me but could be convincible. The Morrison has always been convincing, controlling, managing my dreams and lowering my expectations. 

Dodo has been the biggest relational influences and persuasions and powers in my life. Which he has convinced me of certain responsibilities that weren't mine. I know that the types of relationship aren't that great here or at Eskasoni. I have to move out of here because Dodo could get me here. What if social psychological influences are major players and key factors in good people becoming bad. Tell a child he is nothing but  bad; that's what he will chose eventually. The scary thought is that systemic beliefs of criminality are dispositional, genetic or human personality. Something that everyone doesn't have because they have faultless, egocentric biased, superficial, hollow and narcissistic perspectives on their parts. If we were "evil smart" than what would we chose? Could a human being see the congruence between good and evil? Is there true empathy for my situations?

I know that in my life of a lie I had no true powers to stop the adults in my life because they are all liars and manipulators in one way or another. I know that learning my true coping skills, discovering my true social psychology and learning the inner chaos in me is important now more than ever. Fuck mostly my life have been abused and I wanted vengeance because everyone was acting in a certain way. They have their epinoia in my head and I am learning my true powers. 

Learning to do what I know is right for me isn't right for the images of Dodo and the Morrison family of Eskasoni. I know that I'm damned and have to work on forgiveness. I know that I'm still stockpiling my knowledge through reading. My step family didn't want me to learn without them so I got no independent mind to learn. They made sure I was dependent and stuck in my ways. Knowing that they wanted me to suffer in their relationships. They wanted me to be worst than them so that way they could have absolute validity of relational influences and persuasions over me. Without questions or criticism or critique. They knew what they were doing and I know that the Morrison family of Eskasoni have been invading my privacy and mental sanctuary. So I don't have any privacy at all. They could argue what they expect. They have ageistic authority over me and they have prejudicial authority over me. 

There are things I don't want to remember because of prejudicial authority has dominated my life. Learning that I cannot hide because Clyde would use guilt and compassion for his gains. I know that I don't have any respect from these people because they forced sharing on me. Learning that's what Rosie Sylliboy wants: blind amenable trust for sharing and socializing. I know that I'm stuck in a dependent mind because I am paranoid schizophrenic. I know that all I was taught was to tell my story and have no meanings to them. I was made fun of by a person that probably has a worst life than me. Forcing positivity or anything else she wishes on me. That's what Francis wants and that's what my biological mother wanted; a dependent mind. 

My biological mother has cheated and with her cover-up; have covered my abusers' abuses and malnourishment and childhood addictions. This woman that have forced positivity into my life wanted me to suffer silence of my story. I know that nutritional abuse, economic abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse and sexual abuse I've suffered in the reign of the Morrison family of Eskasoni. They wanted to be accepted and be theirselves but their fucked upness hasn't passed anyone's radar. There have been rumors about the Morrison family, certain family members hiding abuses and mistreatments they thought was discipline. I know that I've suffered a lot in the hands of the Morrison family of Eskasoni's reign. 

Learning that's how people are still toxic to me. I have to find a place where I could be myself and reclaim my personal history. Re-interpret my past into a more complete meaningful story. I am becoming myself and the "Pocket Hulk" my older brothers have called me when they were alive. I know that I am with harmony and peace of sleep, or emotional safety of sleep at Mawita'mk Society. Dodo knows no boundaries because he wants forced controllability, persuaded blind malleability and convinced blind amenability. Dodo is a moral coward and will always be that. 

In a life of a lie has been that I am not socioeconomically psycho-sexual smart. Learning that women's strategies has been vilification of man trying to put practicality to women's standards and criteria. Moment of clarity where I have been understanding how adapting to this electronic, digital obsessive world where hypergamous hypersexuality have determined my sex life. Being evil smart have been something that I've been learning practical social skills have impacted my sex life. Fucking success and having a spine to grow into this process of learning the practicality, practice and skill. I know that people have been keeping an eye on me because they don't want me to thrive or grow into the man I'm supposed to become. 

I know that I've been discriminated against and abused over the years in Eskasoni but I have moved away; fourteen years away from my hometown and I've gotten my level of education, training and driving level where I could work on my Carpentry and landscaping Logbooks. If this BA degree program doesn't pan out. I know that Theresa Cremo Memorial Health Center doesn't want me. And this isn't my band office. Nor my hometown. I came out here to look for a good job and upgrade my driving situation. I hope that the objective steps that I need to take are what I need for a second chance in my hometown. I hope that I could work somewhere in Membertou or somewhere in Cape Breton. 

I rely on my hometown way too much. That means I still have trust and faith to create, establish and build a happy home in my hometown. I have to establish boundaries in my hometown. Hopefully I can get a Communication job or psychohistoric research kind of deal. I know that I need to work on several goals in my future BA degree program. Yes, it's an ideal place to live at Mawita'mk Society if you're comfortable with living with such supports. Psychologically I'm primed to live my terms of self-sufficiency in my hometown. I need to be assertive and protective of my old home. I know that I don't fit any categories of accomplished, successful and published. 

I know that I could get a house if I could line up several jobs at Eskasoni. In 4 years of my program I get three work terms and hopefully I can work within my hometown, in my future, because I know that I was hurt but I think most of Mawita'mk staff have been working off of fears that I would fall back into old habits. Learning how people see humor in serious matter is something frustrating. This is the way the world works: cruelty and violence proves your innocence. Learning that truthfulness isn't what they want, their true intents and goals are to put much damages to me as much as possible if they don't get their way. I admit that I'd lived a hard life in Eskasoni but I could still turn my reputation around and do good. Several bad eggs in Eskasoni have; with the Morrison family of Eskasoni, destroyed whatever good I have left in name of their relational influences, powers and relational persuasions. 

I know that Eskasoni left me desperate, dependent, deprived and stuck in the perpetuation and continuation of addictions and the cycle of vengeance. I know that people have been wanting to have reality-based powers over my mind, especially when Dodo have confronted me with his beef. I was malnourished and stuck in Eskasoni with no job prospects and no level of education, training and driving level to work from. Knowing how classism (social class warfare) and educationism (prejudice towards the uneducated) works in my community. I know that I've been learning to live my life in poverty and unemployment most of my life because of medical reasons, because of favoritism, nepotism and family connections, because of intergenerational ageistic authority and multi-generational prejudicial authorities in the community: deeply rooted. 

My head is still in the life of a lie that Dodo was protecting and my biological mother have died for. I know that I am learning true perception of my world. Learning that I have gotten out of Eskasoni and built a life with Mawita'mk Society. I hope that I could keep building a really good life until I'm ready to go home. I know that I need to use praxeological and psycho-socioeconomic-sexual smarts of Rollo Tomassi's works and Dr. John Gottman. Hopefully I can get a scientific understanding of the psychology of human relationships with Dr. Eric Berne's works, social understanding of Dr. Philip Zimbardo's works, and other doctors. 

I know that I could get laid by any old hag. I just hope that I could practice prudence and monogamous relationship status experience with a fine young thing. I know that I'm still emotionally invested into the life of a lie. I know that I've been trying to truthfully see things as they are. You'll have to identify the type of relationship you want out of a man. Me? I'm rooting for long-term. I hope that I could get something without a kid. I hadn't sex in fourteen years. That's about the same time I hadn't smoked up or had a beer. 

Living a sober life kind of sucks because most of the drinkers or smokers want to create incel life. I know that I could co-exist with someone, preferably a young fine thing. It's be an addict or live a life? But here I could build a pretty good life wit' Mawita'mk Society because I know that I have been wanted and appreciated here. I am learning that I have a lot of options when it comes to dating. I know that I want to learn the BA degree program and BBA program. And than my Master of Community Economic Development degree. I know that I want to be in business wit' Mawita'mk Garage and land, franchise business expansion experts and with my Red Seal papers in Carpentry and Landscaping. I am set up for Unama'ki College's BA degree program. 

On my weekends I'll be doing BA degree programming while I do Apprenticeship programs on weekdays. It would be one hell of a tight schedule but I hope that if I do find a woman in my life, with her place and job and car. I hope that I could get to work on my fitness training wit' her and have a good deal of fitness, walking and eating properly. Using the food for fuel and have that tolerant and enduring can-do, go-getter attitude. I hope that I would find a good woman who knows what she wants and asks for me. And I could have her moral supports and emotional/intimate time with her. Learning that I want a good woman for long-term, monogamous relationship; I hope that I could graduate from schooling in Unama'ki College and Nova Scotia Apprenticeship Agency programs. I just need my Carpentry Certificate program done in a year and my Carpentry diploma program done in 2 years. And 2 more years doing NSCC Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma program. Hopefully in 8 years, 4 years each I could get my Red Seal papers and start my own business.

Or simply do my program with Unama'ki College full-time, 5 weekdays and have my weekend for part-time employment. Hopefully I can work within my realm of possibilities and have something of a tight schedule. Well with We'koqma'q Tim Hortons they are pretty flexible so I could probably schedule my time around, and have full-time employment there and have all my 7 days full of scheduled work or schooling. After I get to my ideal weight, and get my operation done. I hope that I could get Darlene to schedule out my 7 days a week kind of scheduled work and schooling. 

In a life of a lie everyone wants you fucked up so that way they can shit all over my shame. I know that Dodo's relational influences and persuasions is effective but Ray, Corey and Dodo doesn't want to admit that. I know that I've been in situational forced staying because Ray or Corey or Dodo didn't was interested in my sexuality. I was happy ideally playing my video games and learning what accessories goes with it and stuff like that. Nobody wanted to leave me alone when I had my bedroom down stairs. Learning that nobody wants that kind of social accountability. I know that in disguise of true individualism of my independence they wanted me to suffer. Ultimately it's my fault but why couldn't I walk away when I wanted to? What extent, depth and force have their relational influences and persuasions worked on me? Why were they stressing me out and making me vulnerable? Why were they trying to make, create and build up indiscriminate hyper-sexualistic urges and vulnerabilities? 

I know that I'm capable of evil: that kind of vulnerabilities and responsibility have been hyper-independence and filled with addictions, pointless suffering and indiscriminate hypersexuality. They wanted me to failed as a human being and learning that my moral development was vulnerable because of the Morrison family of Eskasoni. I know that nobody wanted me to be morally convinced of integrity, independence, tolerance, acceptance of faith and God, acceptance of myself. I know that my step uncle have convinced me that I was evil and in that I deserved punishment because I'd fucked his daughter, who was same age as me at the time of event in question. Nobody wanted me true foundational knowledge of righteousness because they needed to leave room for their criminalistic like-way bridging. 

Every adults that wanted me was moral cowards. Not obligated to truthfulness and openness. They wanted me like-minded and have all this identity crisis or faculties' issues. True faculties I had was cognition, intellect, memory, intuition, reasons, will and imagination. I know that I had a lot of good examples of critical thinking and using my mental faculties through a life a lie that Dodo and my biological mother have created in me since I was a child addict, abused and stuck in Eskasoni.