Self-efficacy, Self-Trust and Fundamentals in Independence, Life Skills in Self-sufficiency

What kind of viable, registered, Red Seal Certified, licensed and permitted small business would I have in We'koqma'q community, or Eskasoni, if I didn't became a struggling addict for 25 years in Eskasoni? I had a small career in We'koqma'q community. I wonder what kind of accomplishments would I have in my life? I have a thriving life in We'koqma'q community, and every day my level of happiness, realizing where I am at, is growing and lasting longer almost each day. I am becoming the man I was supposed to be, considering what a complete Indigenous man is. Learning that respect is earned, I know that I am happy that I have been learning to be a sober man with distant cravings. But people don't want me to stand up for my beliefs and values because they don't want me to have that kind of power. In certain circles of Indigenous communities, I am told that I shouldn't really stand up for my beliefs and values because I always have to earn my respect and stand up for my principles and standards. It's like an overhaul of my personality and belief knowledge systems that I have to do when I am around certain individuals. I know that I shouldn't back down because I was taught to fight and argue for my beliefs, values, principles and standards, and oh yeah, boundaries. I see that is what certain individuals believed, it would make their lives easier, to change me. 

I see? I am damaged goods and I know that I am alone in this world because I have no real friends who would help me when I do need it. I see that I have to self-provide because nobody else would provide a ride, money or anything "I" need for survival. I see that I have to have self-trust and that is my most valuable strength because I know when people are lying to me. I know when people are trying to go beyond my scope and lie to me. I am something of an natural-born alethiologist and psychologist, I know that people don't want me to have a good, positive influence because they want me to have them under my name or something. 

I know that I am deeply into religious history (Indian Residential School, Indian Day School, other forms of religious-faith in extreme-prejudice impacts from Catholicism and the Vatican Church), science and how it impacts the world, native knowledge systems and how it relates to modern science, ancient Mi'kmaq histories and how paleontologists are discovering bones and spots in Nova Scotia that's proving us right. I am also into psychology and it's philosophy and critical history in this world. Addiction science and recovery models. 

I remember that I wanted to own my own laptop, computer and tablet in my 50 Horseshoe Drive Apartment that I want to invest in. I wanted to have my own fiber opt (WiFi technology) and do what I need to do, to relax and smoke on my steps. I was kind of hoping to build that place into a stable, homey comfort, cozy and warm atmosphere kind of hometown home. It looked like I was going to but than Norma said that I needed another place. That security measures and safety culture in the community isn't up-to-date and in that I'll probably convert to We'koqma'q community. I wanted to have a full-time employment in Eskasoni, have a shed and a small, usable garage where I could put my Spacemaker Washer and Dryer in. Where I could have a small fitness gym (treadmill and punching bag with weights) in it. 

If Rosie don't want to invest in that small land; when and if I can manage to get my second transplant kidney operation and recover. I hope that I could get a full-time employment with We'koqma'q Band Office and try to save up money for a financial goal/investment like that. I want my own piece of land and build a home that is worthy of bringing (good) women to my place, bringing family and putting security measures around my place. 

I know that the Gould brothers don't want me standing up for myself. Ricky Gould and Roddie Gould don't want me to pick and choose my friends. They figure that I am not allowed to control who I show pictures with, who I connect with, and especially who I respect and trust. That's the community I am living in, because these non-native people don't understand me; don't want me to have principles and standards, don't want me to stand up for my beliefs and values, don't want me to control who I honor and share my life with! I already have NA and AA knowledge systems, I already know mental health which my stepfather didn't nourish my intellect. And I know that I don't have any respect financially from Clyde because he is a moral/financial coward. And what I am talking about is boundaries. 

The Gould Brothers don't honor and respect me for my addiction/epistemology story. All they know is to guilt and shame people like me. And learning that I have been used and manipulated into certain mindsets. I know that I don't have any respect because I am not formidable or strong, forced humility and losing out on opportunities because of these old geezers have me angered, frustrated and annoyed. I know that self-trust is the strongest belief I can have in myself. 

My older brother has taught me to think for myself, to speak for myself and to work on myself without anyone holding me back. I know that wit' my stepfather I had the discipline and self-trust to have a self-efficacy in my own life. I know that I have a level of self-trust to understand that I am out of shape and that I have to work on myself physically. I could see that I am loved and valued in We'koqma'q because I am learning to work within my realm of knowledge and social psychology. That's my way of learning street smarts and other things: social psychology and sociology. I hope that I could get my own place and work on my own Red Seal Certified, Nova Scotia registered, governmentally licensed and permitted small business because I have a good life in We'koqma'q. I don't have to worry about cybersecurity or some bullies coming to my place in We'koqma'q. 

I see that I don't have the hours in carpentry or landscaping but I have a background in it. I just to refresh myself in all that. I hope that I could practice these kinds of jobs and work within my realm of knowledge and experience in First Nation communities. I know that I have an awareness about certain mental health training and in that I want to develop a safety culture, procedures and protocols in my own small business, if I reach that far. I hope that I could work within my own hometown community and live my life with a good workethic, dedication and job satisfaction. I know that I could work anywhere and in that I could have a level of dignity of labor perspectives and philosophy that I could work on, in First Nation communities. 

I know that the Gould brothers have issues and I don't want to step on their toe. I know that I have been learning who is proud of me, and who is jealous and envious of me. I know that I have to figure out my own computer and laptop, tablet and other electronics that I got over the years. My first tablet was given to me and my computer I earned and purchased. I know that I have a laptop and PlayStation consoles and other technologies I could set up with my future place. The security measures and the electronic updates in my own place is going to be kind of hard because I have to have cost-effective methods in cybersecurity measures and land security measures. I know that I am happy now, but if I do move back home I wouldn't have any kid or woman to pay for. I see that I don't want any family of my own because there is issues in family systems. I know that I need to work on my own business portfolio and fringe benefits, business mission, vision and plans. And to work on my business goals and objectives. 

Women that give birth to babies just for a stinking check are money-grabbers. I don't respect those kinds of women because they don't love the baby, only using them for a stinking check. I want my baby loved, valued, respected and cared for because it's a human being, not a stinking check. I was malnourished and mentally unstable with a whole lot of medical problems, a community full of prejudice and biased outlooks, having classism, educationism, disablism and ableism in my life. Having to deal with my kidney issues again because I was trying too hard to work. And don't have any breaks until 2020. It was a bitter pill to swallow that I had to give up work for medical issues. 

Yes, I have been learning mental health skills, mental health knowledge, getting certified and trained in certain things, having a good understanding of addiction experience. I know that I need to work on myself through work and volunteer work and other means like reading my books and eBooks and other things that are reading materials. I know that I have been getting into a good deal of mental health skills, certifications and training. I feel that I have to work very hard to have a good fringe benefits and perks of the jobs I want to create. 

I do have self-trust and I do believe in my abilities but I am also aware that I have to get back in shape in order to work Eskasoni and have a good productive lifestyle, ideally living in peace and a thriving kind of way. I feel that I had a good life to a degree and in that I could've worked on security measures and safety practices. I feel that I had a lot of good reasons to work within the community and live my life in a good, productive way. I know that certain volunteer and work experience could direct me back to Eskasoni. I feel enrichen in ways where I could work anywhere and have a level of employability where I can work in construction or infrastructure, forestry or other labor jobs. 

I hope that I could get honorariums, small royalty checks from my published poetry, a good Mawita'mk Comfort Allowance, pop bottles hustle, beadwork and other creative outlets and woodworking techniques. I hope that I could invest in small money projects in We'koqma'q and work my angles in selling. I know that if I could live in Eskasoni and get a good hustle going, I hope that I have a good reputation in We'koqma'q to get a job and a good couple incomes on the side. I am starting out small and hopefully, I can work in We'koqma'q where music, hominess and love is in my job and I have a good professional care. I know it's a hard hustle to sell poetry and other writings by a First Nation, disabled boy. And I know that I don't fit any reasons or criteria for being culturally relevant. I feel that I could but I want to tell my story. 

I know that my small money hustles are pop bottles recyclables, beadwork (optional), woodwork (learning n' optional), leatherwork (optional and have to learn), poetry and other creative writings (working on it ), and a good Mawita'mk Work Program payments with Comfort Allowance. I live a pretty decent life considering that I don't need to stress. Yeah, it's small money but I don't have any kids or girlfriends, or siblings I have to pay. I know that if I could start a small business in We'koqma'q where I am Red Seal certified, registered, licensed and permitted in We'koqma'q and surrounding areas. I know that I could live a really decent lifestyle in We'koqma'q and invest in houses and small apartments like that one on 50 Horseshoe Drive. I hope that I could live a good life in Eskasoni and We'koqma'q for a long time. And hopefully, soon I lose weight more and continually to improve on my physical aspect of my life. 

I want to practice working beadwork, woodwork, leatherwork. I got pop bottes recycling, Mawita'mk Work Program payments, I just need small honorariums for volunteer jobs in We'koqma'q and a good small royalty check from my published poetry. I know that native poems are a hard sell considering the racism in today's society. And learning that I need to work on my writing style, I know that I could have a good life in Eskasoni on my own. Considering that I might be able to work those kinds of angles and have a full-time job in Eskasoni. 

I know that I have everything I need here safe and sound. I just need to invest in a house where my sisters can live in with their children. And hopefully, I can live a good life in Eskasoni where I don't have to pay for anything. I know that I have a good reason to live in We'koqma'q and that is to grow and enhance, advance and improve myself in ways of physical aspect, mental/intellectual aspect, spiritual aspect and emotional aspect. I know that I have been wanting to work on my weight-lifting and other aspects of my physical fitness. I am working on my walking and hopefully, I can enhance my walking endurance, range, speed and stamina where I can walk that airport twice. And walk that city like I own it. 

In We'koqma'q, I could do the recyclables until I can get a couple of  blue bins everywhere in We'koqma'q. And I know that I have been wanting to develop a workethic where I walk with speed, range, endurance and stamina where I can do everything I need to do in one day. Right now? I am just doing pop bottles and I haven't saved up my money in anticipation of Metallica concert. How could I when I didn't even know about it? When I do, do beadwork and other side hustles, I want to do quality work with what I do. So, I better learn good. 

My life in We'koqma'q can be summed up in my portfolio and experiences that I'd documented on my Facebook. I know that I have a good life in We'koqma'q First Nation. I feel that my motivation to move back home is my ultimate goals when I do reach my current goals in We'koqma'q; that's to get my full-time employment somewhere, and to get my fully licensed driver's license and truck. I hope that I can have a good life in Eskasoni because I know how much mental health issues there is in there. I hope from 2010 they've improved and worked on themselves. I feel that I have to work on my own personal and professional development. I know there is room for improvements and edifications in my own life. I feel that I have everything I need in We'koqma'q and in that I could have everything I have here, there. 

I have women wanting me because they feel that I am a good candidate for romantic relationships. I feel that I have a lot of good reasons to stay in We'koqma'q because women in Eskasoni doesn't match up with what I have. I, now, want to move back because I have a thick portfolio to work from but I want two more training in We'koqma'q, that is Non-violent Crisis Intervention and Mental Health First Aid, First Nation training. I hope that I can get accredited and certified in certain counseling positions. And if that don't pan out, I could work in other places of Eskasoni where I can be employable, useful and well taught. 

I need my physical fitness to get my second transplant kidney operation. And to enhance my physical appearance, improved blood pressure, moods and more benefits. I hope that fitness could work out in my favor. 

I know that to a certain Gould brother I am considered a "big shot" which by all standards and principles of a "big shot", I must be doing "big business" considering. That is what is a "big shot". People use the term to discriminate much as they use the Mi'kmaq word sookie. I feel that people are losing their meaning of standards, principles, beliefs and values and boundaries. They feel that they could walk all over me and talk shit to me. 

"Big shot" is a influential and important person by its real definition. It's considered culturally relevant, doing a "big business" or having influential power over people. I know that being a "big shot" is a positive force and a influential person who has intellectual authority, "big finance", "big business" or have important things or people to his name. But learning it from a certain Gould brother, "big shot" is a derogatory term for discriminatory practices and bigoted treatments to a person. This guy is jealous and envious, pretty soon he will have a chip on his shoulder and start pettily hating me. 

I know that bullying in AA or NA is allowed because they have to keep confidentiality and privacy. I don't respect them because they don't respect me. I will talk about the toxic culture at We'koqma'q AA and NA. They refuse to stop bullying or forcing their beliefs on me. Empty gestures considering that I'm an intellectual authority. If this certain Gould brother knows so much why don't he write an autobiography, a guide to Indigenous AA and NA, and culturally relevant information in a book? No? Than he has a big chip on his shoulder and should leave me the hell alone. 

Learning agency in my own life, I know that there is complex processes of grief, addictions and trauma, which in biological embedding (which Dr. Clyde Hertzman, a professor of the Department of Health Care and Epidemiology at the University of British Columbia and Canada Chair in Population Health and Human Development. He was internationally renowned for his explorations of social determinants of health) used the term for early life in Indigenous, black and Asian or other minority groups in Canada, that has lived experience of early life experiences, especially adverse ones, that can impact biological processes that can affect health and development in later life. 

I know that learning agency, self-efficacy and personal leadership in a toxic culture where situational forces, through complex processes of grief, addictions and intergenerational trauma, and early life experiences (especially adverse ones) can impact the neurobiological, multi-generational, and multiversal bonds in life. I've been greatly lucky in determining my own lifestyle in such a productive, active and pro-active schedule in Mawita'mk Society, with Morrison family and friends. I've been learning that people are still stuck in stuck points and stuff like that. 

I had to learn self-hatred, early childhood traumas through beatings and abused, addictions and negligence. I had to learn hyper-independence and a good deal of shared struggles. My step uncle wanted me to suffer his pettiness through power imbalance, through childhood addictions and sexual abuses, and a good deal of beatdowns that I gotten over the years. Considering that "big shots" where people calling me a "big shot" in a derogatory way. I had to deal with toxic people that didn't want to learn or do what was necessary for understanding socially. 

Through ageism I had to learn that I have no power. I know that I need my parents alive but key players in my life have been dying off. I need to protect myself from the political edges of double edged swords and a good deal of lies. I cannot bear the weight of my own stupidity because I used to enjoy my own stupidity (in innocence). Now that I am a heavy weight intellectual authority, I have to be careful because I know what I need to own up to. But I know that I am an Intellectual Authority. I know that nobody respects me wholistically, holistically and wholly. They cannot because they have disabilities and addictions, grief and cultural anger that we all see in the name of "respect". I know that Leonard Paul was a good guy and I know that he had a good way of doing business... kind of. I know that certain landlords would wait until I can move. I had that much respect. 

I know that I am learning self-empowerment and self-management recovery programs. I know that I have been learning that I am sober because of NA and AA but I am learning that there is programs that have self-trust empowerment, management and organizing. I know that I have a comfort level of self-trust programs and I know that NA and AA are outdated. I want to learn much as I can with We'koqma'q Mental Health and Addiction services because I have been doing that since I got here; learning. Self-efficacy practices in this program is real, they've created meanings and ways to deal with myself. I know that I have been wanting to develop more on my skills and certifications because I have a few other ways to deal with family. I feel that I hadn't these programs and so many options in We'koqma'q that I could learn a thing or two with resources and online help. I feel happy that I am learning this and that here. 

I've been wanting to say that there is a philosophy of age, not a bigoted outlook like cultural ageism. I feel that these options: NA, AA, Al-non, SMART Recovery program and learning to navigate the world through an fresh eyes. I know that the label in "addict" is something of a discriminatory practice. And knowing that I've been wanting to learn more about stigma-free mental states, I know that that old comfort of prejudice from old school has crept up every once in a while. These mental health resources and how I learn about useful suggestions, resourceful beliefs and strength-based living is how I had to think for myself. I feel like people have tested that belief system on a superficial level and didn't want to go exploring. I know that Dodo has fawked me up pretty badly and has denied, defended and lied and disposed of my memories to get away with the emotional consequences until his death. The Morrison wanted to have a grip over me and Dodo gotten away with so much, I feel that I didn't protect my family properly.

It was another family member that took full advantage over that situation. Dodo would emphasize on my self-efficacy when it served him and the family hegemony. I know that I don't have that kind of self-efficacy where I am out of the shadows and could live my life through what, how and where I need to. I feel that I have to work on myself to become something of an counselor. Dodo tried to stall, stop, hinder, belittle, diminish and work his angles in how their truths ruled over my mind. People can make up stories when it came to their consequences, but when it's mine, it's a whole different story. I know that the Morrison have been on this earth far longer than when I was five years old. I felt that kind of hatred and prejudice where he wanted me to suffer and in that I did. I am learning self-empowerment, self-efficacy in independence, self-management and mental health skills for a job while I practice life skills in self-sufficiency. 

Considering that I've been in ALP in 4 years. I felt that I have gotten used of doing stuff in a routine. I know that nobody wants me to focus in school because I have to be controlled or hyper-independent. This option is trauma responses that would create All-or-Nothing Thinking. One of an unhelpful thinking styles that shouldn't be. Observer-actor bias is where some workers get into because therapy being used to have trauma covered. I know that I've faced many disconnects, discriminations and abuses that Dodo wanted me to experience because he didn't want me to have self-trust or proper emotional reality. What's real thinking for myself? I feel that the Morrison had to control, tempt and lie about how I feel, think and behave. 

People don't have those kinds of experiences in complex processes like grief, addictions and trauma. I know that I have Complex Post-traumatic Stress disorder from Eskasoni because I'd lost opportunities, lost people, lost my kidney and had to make changes to lifestyle like get on the renal diet recipes, exercise and work a few summers installing or making a swamp into a beautiful yard. I don't have any physical power because the Adult Morrison family of Eskasoni have been a threat if I gotten stronger. Billy Aquan didn't want to let me be safe or thrive or grow into a productive member of the community. 

People in Eskasoni likes to ruin a good thing because they feel some kind of financial rights over my finances. That's been something of a struggle since I was a child. Financial/psychological abuses where they wanted me to work extra hard for their addictions. Lazy cocksuckers! They want money and isn't willing to work for it. I budget my money and I have financial independence/financial literacy. Nobody in my life have proven to be useful like Mawita'mk Work Program. Family have proven time and again they care for me. I just have to set financial boundaries with addicts and people that financially abuses. 

I couldn't invest in my own place because people felt like I should be paying for "their" family, friends and associations. I know that I want that piece of land because of all the ideas that presented to invest in my own place/land construction techniques. I know that I don't have the privacy and protection of certain individuals in Eskasoni. And I know that I don't have any guarantee that I could live an independent life because I am diagnosed with multiple disabilities, have a past addiction struggles and morality issues about my own step family. But the honest ones that I have, are trying to win my "blind" trust because they don't want me to have things planned, strategized or secured. 

It's a guarantee for them that I listen. I feel that I don't need to stress over certain things. But I live in We'koqma'q community because the family deems it so. I know that I haven't really discovered my own routines-making skills. I was lost in Eskasoni and I know that I wasn't that much of an addict. I was an social/occasional smoker of Marijuana and I rarely drank. I know that I had a good workethic because I know that Eskasoni Welfare protected my small mony-makers. The first landlady that wanted more money and told me that what I was doing, wasn't work or working out for her because she wanted more money. Like I said, "Eskasoni people likes to ruin a good thing" and in my life I never once lost my own mind. 

I couldn't customize, alter or change that place to my liking because "Eskasoni likes to ruin a good thing". Feeling that I hadn't any good reasons to move back, I know that I don't have any good friendships with people in power. I know that I couldn't keep my power to decide for myself because people had me psycho-ageistically under their relational influences and persuasions. I couldn't really enjoy my intellect because people would twist my meanings of independence. Self-sufficiency has been something of a twisted myth from certain people. I wasn't hyper-independent or under hypoagency. I had the fundamentals of self-trust, self-empowerment, self-efficacy, self-respect, self-management and self-development. People if Eskasoni wouldn't want an independent person unless they prey, play on their self-trust, self-esteem and self-efficacy. I know that people wouldn't want to learn to leave me alone!

How do you have personal wisdom in the battle for individualistic independence? Simply I was learning "their" superficial needs of my verbal agreement. They know that they are hiding and learning to torment me over the years. Considering that psychological warfare tactics in social operations have been something like I don't need anymore. I just need to invest into my own place; I need to figure out my budget on my own: I need to market myself in direction of Eskasoni's Mental Health, or Eskasoni Rehab. People believed that they have reasons logically when it comes from paranoia. Their drug-addled paranoia for therapies and skills training, they believe that they have rights over my own collection of books. 

There is serious situational/family power of influence imbalance because of bigoted outlooks. I am learning that people set me up for failures and addictions because they didn't want me safe. I know that I've faced racism in colorism; classism in educationism, disablism and ableism: I've faced sexism where people forced me to be gay because of pills. I didn't know the type of pills that was out there. And I am straight and heterosexual but people that don't want me to learn to work my own brain, are people that imbalance my power. Self-trust in how I emotionally regulate isn't their understanding. Self-trust is the most fundamental, firm belief in my own abilities, mental faculties, psycho-motor skills, coping skills, job-related skills, knowledge systems and life skills. What's job-related life skills? The kind of skill that helps you participate in life activities like chores or jobs. I know that those skills set have similarities in house chores and yard work. 

There is a number of drugs that could act like aphrodisiacs. These psycho-active drugs can increase sexual desire, sexual function and pleasure. It could impact the central nervous system or hormones considering what type of drug can alter consciousness. I know myself even when there is drug-related crimes happening. Feeling like I had no choice but to suffer the wrath of the Morrison. I couldn't really enjoy my life because they'd used good feelings to cover up their fawked life. Feeling betrayed, manipulated, discriminated and stereotyped by bigots who think they have power over truths. I know that I was loved when I was weak and humble. Dodo loved to mess with my life because looking to vilify me was their escape from justice. Certain friends knew what they needed to figure out what happened to me. 

Through my older brother Stephen Joseph, I learned what Brotherhood was about. It was an personal relationship where we had our own secrets and stuff. People would beat us because of Trauma and Hate. I felt that I would be misguided and mistreated because I don't have any reasons to live by myself ideally. Everyone checks on my finance rather than checking upon me. And if they do check upon me; they will eventually lead to monetary needs. 

It's not that I don't care or anything. I just want to enjoy my money before I do pass away. My baby sister doesn't believe that I have disabilities that would increase my chances of dying on this earth. My kidney failed because of situational dynamics that was placed in my life. I hate the renal diet food but I was learning to self-trust on my own. Considering that people (those that known me for a while), had been working to scheme off of me by making me vulnerable to eat or go back to my addictions. The fundamentals of independence is: 1. Job-related life skills and coping skills (if needed) 2. Workethic and a Sense of Purpose, 3. Dignity of labor and pride in the job, 4. Manual labor and fitness routines, 5. Volunteer Work and walking club, 6. Collection of books and encyclopedias and dictionaries, 7. A fully licensed driver's license and truck, 8. BA degree and a job, 8. Job satisfaction levels and a sense of happiness. 

Just to name a few things while being single. Self-trust comes from understanding what you've been through, how that perspective or point of view or advantage point could show you life experiences. I see that I've been trying to lose weight by walking and hopefully, lifting weights eventually. I had to learn what it meant to be happy. Addiction is self-indulgence of pleasures and temporary sense of happiness. To the point of self-destructive obsession of habits and mindsets. I see that I have to work through my physical aspect because I've worked on my emotional traumas. Punishment isn't the key to changing behaviors, nor temptation isn't the moral tests ya'll think it is. It's the judgment you cast upon that person for not having a deeper understanding of drug-dependency, or chemical-induced psychosis. It's the actual changing in Neurolinguistic Programming that have been influential in many psychological works today. And DBT Skills Training Manual has been something of a good book. 

I know that I have good people by my side. Learning things about Indigenous cultures and history. I feel like we are reaching the far reaches of the universe, into parallel universes and developing epinioa to these realms. Hopefully, I can learn as much as I can and pass on my knowledge, experience and education, to Non-natives who want to learn. Maybe I could verbally explain, maybe I could get more friends on my Facebook, through my teachings and lessons? I know that I am a proud Mi'kmaq and these are our districts of Mi'kma'ki. I want to have a good understanding of The map and share it through online chats, hopefully, we can come up with topics of discussions based on Mi'kmaw history, Mi'kmaq people, Mi'kmaq cultural communities, Mi'kmaq Nationhood, Mi'kmaq culture and history, Mi'kmaq tradition and heritage, and Mi'kmaq science and philosophies. I know that I had a lot of good people in my childhood, teaching me these things. Mike A. Doucette is one of those people. 

Self development is a Sisyphean task of self love and labor of love that connects you to meaning. I don't mean always obsessively work on yourself but truly think of it this way: the amount of universal love starts with self love and than the Labors of Love (possibly philosophical work) that comes with self development. I was at a meeting, and in this meeting I'd learned that if you have heart you would schedule out your time or months, however you feel, and try to follow that schedule in order to live a sensible, productive life. 

I've been sober since 2010. And I had 15 years of experience in doing school, trade college, driving school, job shadowing, work term, professional work and doing volunteering work, training and workshops over the fifteen years I've been here. I am trained in construction, mental health, cultural certifications and mental health skills and certifications, that I gotten over the years here. I'd worked on myself and there is room for self development physically. I had a great start to recovering from drug-induced psychosis that lasted 15 years. It turned into schizophrenia and I'd recovered from addictions and traumas too. But yeah psychiatrists told me that I had schizophrenia and in that the drugs I'd took peeled back the layers of disability. 

I have "Nice Guy Syndrome" which is being nice in hope to be rewarded or externally validated. Which at a young age, people would take advantage of because they are manipulative and skilled in their own choas in a way. I know that it stems from low-esteem, no faith, self-trust issues, self-efficacy and a want to be part of something bigger: e.g. part of an clique, part of a circle of friends, part of a family, part of an organization, part of a community, part of an culture. Just to name a few things go be part of. I think I got "Nice Guy Syndrome" because I don't think people wanted me to have a normal life. Biological embedding, family issues, intergenerational trauma, stereotypes and curses, addictional poverty struggles and forms of abuse in my life. Hometown Eskasoni was hellish to a point where people wanted to tempt me into attritional struggles. And hoped that I'd believed in my own fawkery. I know that Rob wanted me to fail because I was drunk, mostly high because I couldn't figure out what he wanted. I had medical conditions that kept me bound to the Eskasoni Community Health Center. And I had to put in extra work just to move. 

I think I got Stockholm Syndrome/Nice Guy Syndrome/Religious Trauma Syndrome. And that's because nobody wanted me to figure out my own definition of spirituality. I know that my theory of Eskasoni has been darken insanity of disabilities and commercialization. I'd hoped to return to home because I have to face many problems in Eskasoni. I know that kind of grief experience I have, that trauma-filled hells I had, the addictions and medical issues I had. I had to move because that kind  of community priced everything with the dump fawks that wanted to ruin good things in Eskasoni. Abuse of Power/manipulations of hypoagency kind of deal. 

Most people in Eskasoni think that love means blind obedience. Because of Indian Residential School legacy we are suffering from a deep disconnect from the cultural/family love that breathes creativity and philosophical arguments in ways where we create options the right way. People think that distorted views of younger generations have been their cultural influence needed; but in truth these kids got sick of your shit and you are scared that they are growing. Addiction influence our biological make-up like so many other factors. 

I had been learning that obedience at this age means that they don't respect my intellectual freedom. I know that people wanted me to suffer their manipulations and gaslighting, which in turn have their relational influences and persuasions in ways of corruption and the psychological control they maintain over my life. The Morrison wanted me fawked up and I know that I've been effing sick of Dodo mainly. I know that I have been wanting to live my life the right way. Most manipulations came from Eskasoni because they wanted my money and weed. And learning safety culture I know that We'koqma'q community have their shady people too.

Learning that there was no difference in this First Nation communities, I hope that biological embedding, intergenerational trauma and stereotypes, social constructs like "enemies" are protecting people in bigotry to define their meaning in their vocabulary where they protect themselves. I know that obedience means survival and I know that staying here means that I have to live differently from my own upbringing. 

Ever since I was learning there was limits on my knowledge, my step parents have been anti-intelligent because they didn't want me to figure out life. They controlled everything: my thinking, my feelings, my behaviors; right or wrong. I was a teenager learning that I couldn't outgrow Mawita'mk Society or Eskasoni or family because self-trust was their issues. Ageistically they gave me a big "fawk you" with their relational influences and persuasions. Saying that they would financially abuse me while classism, educationism and other forms of abuse and discrimination have been awaiting me because they wanted me to suffer their false pride. Twisted as their logic might be, they think they are right in their fawked up life. Hometown or not, the people of addictions have been fawked since day one. 

Knowing that I've been wanting to live ideally in peace for a long time. I know that people would manipulate in order to keep me here so they could work on me. Empty gestures considering that I've been manipulated through all of my life. Dodo would twist it and say that I know because he gotten my confessions recorded, or somebody. I know that I am hated because most people won't want me to thrive the way I want to. Self-trust could be manipulated when there is a threat when you are a child. I was five years old when I first was introduced to sex, traumas and agnotological/culturally ageistic oppressionism, and addictions. Everyone thought that self empowerment was a impossible thing. I was suppressed and taught to accept my crimes (which was fawking his daughter Shannon), and using that experience as a means of psychological warfare tactics on a child. I should've been living with my real father. 

Nobody loved me because nobody was on my side. Learning that I've been paying some kind of prices over the years. I had to move because my family deemed it so. Still the same old story, there have to be an elder or Clyde going to Eskasoni, or Sheila has to visits family. I know that I don't have any good family because I've been paying attention to their love. Every one of them are moral cowards who won't grant me justice. With Certainty, I believe that I have unfinished business because they wanted me to suffer disgust and self-loathing and a cultural rage. And than repress it. 

I know that I am living the best life I could possibly have because I gave up addictions (smoking cigarettes, weed or taking any drugs or drinking alcohol, liquor or wine). I know that I've faced many troubles and discriminations because of generational stereotypes. I am learning to be stigma-free, addictions-free, and unbiased. 

In my life I had their power of conviction control my chaos and emphasize hypersexuality while giving me aphrodisiacs and drugs to fuck me up. I had psychotic moments in my own life where the Morrison, including my biological mother, had been wanting me under influence and threat to give in to their suffering of punishments. As mother's intuition, she believed that she had rights to relationally fawk me up. I could see that people have wanted to support this because they don't believe in my maturity, personal freedom to run my own brain, to fawk with my neurochemistry and to manipulate my life into submission. They say that they are creating meanings, moral imperatives and the right conviction in ageism, to fawk with my life. There should be a philosophy of age, not ageism that Mi'kmaq should create. 

They create beliefs based on their versions of truth. Truth is a memory, a fact in nature or a story needing to be heard. But people that need external validation are addicts of such negative, unresourceful beliefs. Some people discriminate on music, status, it's not useful suggestions or strength-based living. I am using "strength-based" as a philosophy of work rather than a therapeutic tool. I believe in my own strengths but had Morrison family of Eskasoni fawk with my growing. What's their for their old school bigotry? Why are we supposed to forget our own self-trust? What wasn't I supposed to be independent? Because of the communities' ageism, abuse of power, hegemonic influence, classism in educationism, disablism and ableism. A sexism in terms that they wanted me fawked up. They don't want me to control my beliefs, have practical life skills in GST, basing my plans on reality, or having my own place. 

The structure of my belief system has been royally fawked around because they wanted dominance over my life. I know that Morrison family of Eskasoni have kept me weak and humble so they could beat me and humiliate me. People feared me because I was exercising at a young age. I had the certainty of books, the value of books, and because certain people don't want me to have self-efficacy (level of belief in my own performance(mental or physical) in my own belief system. They would rather have me spend a day with supports and safety practices rather than creating my own personal safety practices and self-trust. 

Relational influences, hegemonic persuasions, collective belief system, and a downfall of how they should approach their addictions and negligence, have been partly because they are creating a victim mentality and dependency on NA or AA or other programs. They defend, lie, deny, dispose of whatever goes against their belief system. And I know that I don't get jobs because of such discriminatory practices against me in my own Cape Breton because of my beliefs and values. 

I believe in my own belief system[just an example of how beliefs and values can be] (mutually beneficial of core principles, values and ideologies, philosophy of science, philosophy of religion and spirituality, philosophy of age, philosophy of culture, philosophy of beliefsand values) I know that I have a good conversation about how I can get my own life running. And run my own brain, build my own beliefs, values and principles in health, fitness and calisthenics, and family, friends and community. Everyone is saying that Eskasoni is such a terrible place like they don't have people in their communities damaging people. I believe that people are fawked up and in that they need some kind of control in their lives because they don't want ownership (Running Their Own brain, building their own belief systems and having it based in reality). 

Wouldn't be nice to have a set of cultural Neurolinguistic Programming, DBT and other therapies? What can come out of that connection? I cannot because some of these doctors have passed on. I hoped that I could put some cultural understanding, elements of coping skills and ingredients of culture to their understanding, science and belief knowledge systems. I know that I would have a good conversation with them. And my stepmother and stepfather. 

Anyways, Eskasoni addicts don't look out for ya, and learning that people force their way into my old places. I had to move and rebuild myself in We'koqma'q community, while creating new memories in We'koqma'q community. Learning that there is differences in Community-minded people and a belief system, communal mannerism and etiquette. I see how certain communities approach disabled people because I know that We'koqma'q community have supported me in my schooling, gave me "personal freedom" and I know that I don't have to worry about my things in We'koqma'q community. I know that I have self-trust issues because of years in Eskasoni. 

I feel that Dodo have changed though, Learning that he has been sober and clean foe years. I feel that my old wounds needed to be brought up because there are justice issues. I see that I could have a good life in Eskasoni if I could get Mawita'mk Society in there. I know that people would get me high for their entertainment purposes and I could see that kind of detrimental capacity of fiendish addicts. Personal agency had been elusive because people's relational influences and persuasions, of addicts and bullying addicts. 

Learning that I have no boundaries with Clyde, Lolie or others. I feel like I am being walked over and their learned behaviors is what they are passing down. Emotional safety, boundaries and asking, trauma-sensitivity and empathy practices, I know that I'm more than what other people expect of me, or assume of me with their biased outlook. I know that with Gould brothers I have to be careful with what I say because they don't want me to figure them out. Or be smart enough to de-stigmatized them. I feel that I am living an enrichen life but I have to have respect for boundaries, faith in my own self-trust and a good workethic, and benefits of being an intellectual authority. 

While hyperagency, hyper-independence and overly independent people have disappointment-based emotional isolation in their addictions, I have learned over the years to have fundamentals in self-trust, independence and learn my range of self-efficacy in my own independence through life skills and simply living ideally in a happy, peaceful environment with a safe home. I know that people's cynicism has been on Tik Tok and other social media platforms. Well, that's what I figure anyways. 

The fundamentals of self-trust, is to share connections and have emotional intelligence and speak with meaning. I know emotional literacy through my poetry and how impacted certain family members. The foundation of my childhood is based in cultural skills, protocols, customs, respect, honoring and power of discipline. I'd learnt from the best of the best when I was a child addict: family that was in my hometown community, people from rehab and mental health professionals. I have a wide range of life experience where I have been learning from. I don't think that people wanted me to thrive in my hometown community because they were disappointed in their own families for not teaching them to emotionally, personally grow.

They have to understand that I was a disabled child and my step parents wanted me to live ideally without sports or martial arts. I had a rare form of dwarfism that was supposed to give me five years to live. So, that was the life expectancy since I was a kid. I outgrew that rare form of disability and became something of a average bastard. Well, I haven't outgrew it but I have grown in ways. I've been weaken and left to my own devices when it came to exercising and stuff. Billy Aquan was a moral coward when it came to me. He'd seen me as a threat instead of a son and convinced me that I needed to be his son. He wasn't my true father or had any intentions to coach me in any way. He wanted me to be hyper-independent, overly independent or stuck in my ways. Discriminatory practices works in ways of convincing and persuasions. They create beliefs of "laziness" and my stepfather's personal construct for me was the idea of "laziness". 

I know that people didn't want me to thrive, strive for the best or have any strength or peace. Everyone wanted what I had and never worked for it. Nobody's living in my life because I am the "sick kid" nobody wanted. So, as a means of learning a type of disappointment-based emotional isolation, I had to live ideally because I didn't have any friends who would help out or have any involvement in my life. Usually, I am alone and have to take the full brunt of a hegemony or groupthink, with disabilities and no attractive desirability or qualities or characteristics or traits or muscles or height or riches or extra curricular activities or careers or business or financial independence or physical features or services. I know that hypergamy is their best practices because I am an type of loser who cannot get the social friends, who have a good love life or have a career since his twenties. I am nearing 40 years old with no reasons to socialize or have any respect for these women. I have no connections for love or sex because I am still working on myself. And people think that's a quick fix. 

Because all through my years I've been used and manipulated. I've been abused because I didn't give anything and learning that their prostitution-type of hypergamy is their psychotic moments. I had to move out of abusive situations that wasn't good or conducive to my health. In We'koqma'q community, as I learn types of relationship and how people operate. I know that people fortunate never experienced what life experiences I had. I know that I am targeted easily because of disablism, classism and educationism, and ableism. This community is no better than other communities because I don't have any control with how I work in this community, or the next. Economic abuse has happened because I didn't have the best guardians in my cultural hometown community. I am nothing worth while because I've never been relationship material. I am nothing to these ladies but an easy target. Toxic women don't heal, toxic women carry their pains and don't believe in therapy. I know that their narrow scope of reality has been something of a Mi'kmaq disabled nerd who hasn't any respect because I am molded and domesticated to be polite. 

I know that I need to work on myself and ideally live. I know that I am no woman's desire but too, that don't mean I cannot work on myself ideally and live my life ideally in peace. I know that I am ugly because women and teen girls didn't want me. I am living ideally alone and hopefully, don't have any stinking thinking or anything like that. I know that I need to live an independent life because I need to put into practice safe practices, security protocols and other works and measures of security and safety. I know that people don't give two shits about me because I am not formidable. And I know that single life is the ideal peace I need. 

What would you do for love? I don't want to take care of another man's kids because I know that there is fawked up family dynamics in Indigenous country. And I cannot trust people that well because I've been learning to pursue my goals in self development, self improvements and edifications. But apparently certain people are preventing me from making right decisions for self developments. And knowing that I don't have any respect financially, physically or mentally. I am considered disabled where I cannot make any important decisions for my own life because my sister believes that I cannot. 

I know that I'm targeted for sexistic, racistic and other forms of discriminatory practices in the community because they don't want me to use the power of discipline, independence, self-efficacy, self-trust or life skills or job skills in the community. So, I'll stay here until I can get to a certain level of education, training and driving where I can be employable in many ways. But at Mawita'mk Society I am learning that I'm safe, protected, valued, respected and cared for in so many ways that I could live ideally at Mawita'mk Society. Independence is living a single life by myself and enjoying my upgraded and updated bedroom. Forgiveness is key to move forward and learning that I have been with Eskasoni 25 years without accomplishing anything, I was with the wrong crowd and had to move away. Independence is thinking for myself in terms of my own safety, standing up for my own beliefs and values, principles and standards, and keeping my own communication intact with honest family members. 

These moral cowards are lucky I haven't exercised in vengeance. And Rosie doesn't want me to develop anything. Humiliations I've suffered in Eskasoni, the true treatments I got from certain people, the true intentions of certain teachers/Instructors. And learning how I am valued and liked because I am the weak one. They are moral cowards because they don't want me to do physical fitness in name of vengeance. Even Natashia who loved the fact I was trapped by certain people in Eskasoni. And I had no protection or anything like that in her class. She had a clique against one person and this is her moral cowardice. 

But I think I've been influenced by certain people here relationally. They wanted me to give up living ideally in Eskasoni. But Eskasoni you could get murdered, beaten, abused, home invaded, stolen from, lied to and denied in defense that they didn't do any wrong. I know that I had to move and improve on my socioeconomic status, being education, trade college, driving school and training. I felt loved and valued here and overcame certain issues in my own life. I am learning my emotional range of my own self-efficacy, where I am building self-trust and economic independence in We'koqma'q community. Eskasoni has been a breeding ground for violence, murderers, abusers and thieves in addictions, grief, anger and frustration. I know that rage comforted them and they didn't want to breathe a sigh of relief. I've lived in Eskasoni before and I know schemers, murderers, abusers and thieves in violence, lateral violence, addictions, dysregulated trauma, grief, anger and rage, and growing frustration in name of getting a house instead of saving up to build a house. 

Financially I was controlled psychologically, with certain agreements and acquiescence. I had to stay in stagnancy because I was a target for those kinds of people on my life. My hometown childhood friends have wanted to save my sanity and wanted me out of Eskasoni because there was way too many people benefitting off of me. I was malnourished and mentally unstable. I couldn't recover without certain supports and safety practices in place. I know that my professional dormancy was because there was certain influences in my life where they'd persuaded and convinced, denied and deflected, lied and manipulated. That's been my Indigenous experience in First Nation Eskasoni. 

I couldn't work, I couldn't drive, I couldn't educate myself, I couldn't do this or that in Eskasoni. Mt stepfather didn't cared for me and I couldn't really control or run my own life because so many have taken control. Thinking that I needed a woman or man in my life. When in fact I needed another place to live. And that was We'koqma'q community. I am re-learning self-trust, self-esteem, emotional range of my own self-efficacy in my own independence. I am learning self empowerment and how to outgrow Mawita'mk Society through baby steps. I am growing, thriving and learning in safety, security and certainty. I know that We'koqma'q community is the home I need for now.