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Showing posts from April, 2022

Active Mind, What Seem Immersive

In order for something to seem immersive back in my day, first you had to get into it and work at puzzles and mathematics. I knew that I would lose certain keenness of my faculties and in that I wouldn't of learned the physical consequences of addictions. I knew that I was learning, expanding my mind and perceiving what I could while I was high. The limited perception I have as an Civilian is something that I do not enjoy. Everything I've learned suggest something deeper with other problems. I don't want to get into deeper problems of everyone because I know that I'm still at a researcher level of knowledge. I know that I'm still learning about the world and in that I did not have my own collection of books back in Eskasoni. I did not have my own collection of books and credentials until I'd moved out. I know that I was something handy in repair books. But I know that I never used my skills set. Not for a long time. I have no love to talk about and I have no c...

Wasted Years

I've wasted years on trying to live a life in Eskasoni. All Eskasoni reminds me of is lost causes, traumas, losses and grief, tragedies and grief, anger and hurts, torments and jealousy, barriers and issues, cycles of abuses and addictions, discriminations and favoritism, nepotism and elitism, sexism based on misandry, hypergamy, classism and hypersexuality, sufferings and missed opportunities, what I didn't have and what I didn't earned. I wasn't surrounded by people who wanted me thriving, my stepuncles, my stepaunties, my fathers and step family. I know that nothing went my way. And I was stagnant. I know that I had heavy regrets and I wanted to go suicidal. I've worked through all that because I wanted to forget my wasted years. I know that I was on my own for 7 years, wasted years. And I know that I did not have any academic accomplishments. I did not have any milestones or professional connections. Those who hadn't any teen sports is bound to not get hel...

Different Lives

Me and Darren have led different lives. I was deprived because I did not have anyone to rely on for getting my full driver's license. And he had everyone at his disposal. I don't have any respect for my own mind, he has full autonomy over his own full life. I was deprived of most things because, my stepfamily wanted controllability over my life. They've helped out with accepting this kind of barriers in my life. My stepfather never really wanted me to succeed because he wanted his daughters to live a better life than me. I'd tried to reason with him but he had unreasonable feelings. Especially when it came to dates, relationships and romance. Living so free is such a miserable thing, it's a tragedy in Eskasoni. I cannot be left alone or have dates. I know that I never used Tinder for my dates before. And living so free means potentialities of abuses. I know that I was abused, traumatized and hurting in Eskasoni. I never had any safety because I was a small guy. A ...

Tough Road to Recovery

Everyone here thinks that being tough is wrong. I don't believe it is because it's my own mind that I love. I rather protect it and keep being tough. Tough isn't carelessness but rather the right kind of stuff to survive hardships and difficulties. Being tough enough to withstand pains or suffering is strong. Toughness is something that everyone here don't want me to prepare for. It's like I don't have any self-control over my own mind and they taken everything that my upbringing has taught me. It's able to go through the difficulties and pains and still live on. Tough is accepting the roughness out of life and saying "please more". I know that tough is going through fitness and enduring the pains and suffering of the multiple forms of exercises. I know that I have been tough enough to live in Eskasoni and keep waking up to do stuff. Hopefully, I can  be tough enough here to get my fitness. Toughness is the strength to do what mind over matter ca...

Studious and Wise

How to make the knowledge I have into wisdom? It's experience that I have a bunch of knowledge, intelligence and information. Intelligence is that creative or resourceful side of us while knowledge is the written word. Intelligence is to acquire and apply knowledge and skills. I have acquired a lot of knowledge, something familiar and known. I know that I have all this knowledge but I still need to learn more. Being of knowledge, intelligence and information is to have a metacognition. How much do I know myself? To have epistemic curiosity is to know your limits of knowledge, intelligence and information. To know what you're aware of and musically inclined to study. I know that I have been learning and learning is the ongoing multifaceted consciousness of knowledge. It's what I want to learn about and do what I can. I have been through hell but that doesn't mean I should quit. It means that I should learn my roles and places in society. How can I be flexible and fluid...

Trapping of Feeling

The thing about stinking thinking is always thinking the negativity in a depressed way. It's always gonna be bad and you believe you're a failure. I know that stinking thinking is always thinking bad out of a situation or yourself. The trapping of that feeling will have you hyperfocused on how bad it could get and what kind of failure in a million scenarios you are. That's the thing you are a bad guy and not good at anything. I know that even in a  hyper-reality we cannot distinguish the reality from a simulation of reality. So the more you think it's going to happen in your imagination, the more I know that it will happen. I know that hyperreality is something that will have an impact on your performance. So please help people get out of stinking thinking. Yes, this stinking thinking happens to addicts at times. And in that there is a personal history of self-terrible thoughts involved in the failing process. I know that a good support would understand this. I could ...

Don't Deserve Love

I know that there are bad ass that get more than me. And there are hard workers who know better. The bullies say that I don't deserve love but everyone wanted me to depend on them. I know that I'm still independent ambitiously and motivatedly. I have confidence in all that and I know that I want to be very skilled, practiced, disciplined and experienced in driving, plumbing, cleaning and cooking. Hopefully, I can be this type of Mawita'mk Builder who has experiences in building most things. I know that I want to earn, prove and do things on my own. We are building a unified love community and I hope that I could be part of it. In Eskasoni I've faced classism and a hierarchy there. I know that I did not have any chances there. There is a class war there that keeps the poor poorer, the rich richer and a favoritism and nepotism system there that makes it difficult. I know because I was raised in Eskasoni.  Eskasoni is my hometown, and my Grammy's hometown, Jessie Den...

Hopes and Faith in Independence

I know that I don't get a dream girl because I wasn't known on Tinder. I know that I had to live with transportation barriers, difficulties and missed opportunities. I know that I never had any connections to protection in Eskasoni. I know that I still don't because I am such a target. I am a nerd and I don't get that kind of loving because I don't have any blacklist contacts. Nobody knows what it's like to be a guy who has to hide his trauma, have to deal with the doubters, debunkers and critics. As soon as I let my guard down, straight up I have to put it back up. I know that I have to be strong and faithful. I know that I could get a job in Eskasoni because I know that I have way more educational accomplishments. I know that I could get a good momentum going with being a Street Laborer. I know that I want to have regular employment experience in my hometown. I know that I have been earning and proving my routines-building capabilities and habit-making capac...