My Little Struggles

I know there are little struggles of accepting this place as is. I know that I have it good here but I want to build, create and sustain my own hometown apartment as a homey place. I know that I won't get any lover because I am damned and forgotten. I know that I want to know finances like grocery financial awareness practices, label-reading and cost of living mathematics. I know that I have life skills for keeping my bedroom clean and tidy. I know that I get criticism from them and I know that I get dialysed. If I want their support I have to keep my mouth shut.

I know that I'm damned and forgotten because of the hypersexuality of Indian Residential School survivors. I know that I don't get to reconnect with my inner child. I know that I don't get to live freely. I know that I have to be highly organized and motivated. I feel like I don't have any trust issues resolved. I know that I am loved.

But I am still learning these little struggles that I have intense feelings over. I know that I connected before but I don't want to again. I know that I was that hated nerd because muscles and violence were so normalized. I know that I got my little struggles and I have to keep them under wraps. I feel like I have it good here and I deeply appreciate this place. I have a bathroom, washer and dryer, a hamper and so much privacy. I feel like I could enjoy the meals and music.

I know that in Eskasoni I have enemies who want to get away with abuses. I know that I don't have any respect from them because I don't have boundaries with them. When I do pass away I hope that God grants me the freedom to explore space and the stars. I want that kind of immortality of the soul where I could see everything in this universe. I know that I could go back home when I do get homesick. I want to explore space.

I know that I want to see space too. I hope that I could learn how the universe can make life outside of the scope of scientists and astrophysicist. I know that I have a good understanding of coping skills, psychology and search for a spiritual lover. I know that I cannot find any here. And I know that I don't have any chances here. I know that I hadn't any ladies interested in me here. I know that I'm happy that I do get fit and I have all this life in my life. But I want to build a life on my own and go out on dates. I know that Mawita'mk Society is holding me back.

I know that I'm on dialysis and I haven't any woman attracted to me because I don't have a mantle of confidence. I know that I never used Tinder for simply fucking because it doesn't work out like that. I know that I am still young and I want to live my life how I see fit. Without Mawita'mk Society's care and supervision.

They laugh at me because I am weak. I feel like I don't have what it takes to tell jokes for a good living. I know that comedy has taken a beating and I know that what I find funny isn't what Mawita'mk Society finds funny. I know that I am independent, neutral and tough. I know that I never had any real lovers in my life. I know that I was stuck with being traumatized, bullied, stuck on Welfare and uneducated in Eskasoni. But I wonder what it will be like to live in Eskasoni without Mawita'mk Society's care once I have my second transplant kidney.

I know that I am strong-minded because I have a strong will-power. I know that I am learning my consequences of my actions. And in that I have to learn what damnations and recovery models I could learn. I know that I don't want to take the emotional toll of the actions. But I'm working on it to forgive myself and live my life normally.

I never knew what was normal and healthy on my own. I know that I never used any skills that my stepfather supposedly taught me. I never had a normal life because I couldn't really defy my stepfather's wishes. I know that I'm an adult and still cannot get a job on my own. I know that I'm still the older brother but the runt of the litter. That's what I feel like, the runt of the litter when I'm the third eldest. Considering that I am a nobody and have a few credentials hanging on my wall. I feel like I haven't done enough to inspire anyone. I know that I want to do something ambitious and be determined and strong-minded.

Get my degrees, Certificates and diplomas. Get that much credentials just to see how I fair with all this. I want to get my second transplant kidney and full driver's license, get those important things. And try to get my life into a monumental momentum that I have my Doctorate in Counseling Psychology.

That I have my Doctorate in Counseling Psychology and Red Seal papers in Plumbing. I know that I am the hated nerd and in that, it would be a victory and triumph. I know that I love my people but I know that I am damned and forgotten. I know that with my little struggles I have to get all I need from Mawita'mk Society and move on. I don't want to be here forever because of the petty things that I have to face. I rather be on my own and drive to an apartment driveway with my own car. I know that I'm stuck for now because I am on dialysis. But why am I serving Mawita'mk Society? Because it's work and I can put it on my Facebook and LinkedIn profile.

But not right now because I have to make it through the mornings here. I know that I have made it through the day here. I want to enjoy my time in my bedroom because I know that I don't have ambitiousness in me.

I know that I'm an experienced bachelor who had his fair shares in life. Still don't know shit about women and have to lose weight. I know that Eskasoni is my hometown and in there I could get a lady. I know that I want to move back home because of the lady. I know that I'm still an experienced, practiced and certified driver. I want to get enough hours in with driving and have my mind accustomed to driving. If anyone is getting some I hope that person appreciate it because I know that I'm still on this dating app and I don't have any luck. I rather go Eskasoni and find a woman there, or Sydney and look for one there.

I know that hypergamy is how this world works. Money equal sex or a relationship because we live in an socioeconomical reality where we cannot afford to make poor decisions on love or lust. I know that I had my fair shares but I know that I was drunk.

Hypergamy is marrying or forming a sexual relationship with someone of greater economic resources, sociological and educational background. But Hypogamy is marrying someone from a lower economic and social class. I know that both men and women does this. I know that I used to be able to get my own dates without the Tinder app. And I was going to get a full time employment at Gabriel Center. I know that I don't get to do stuff on my own like zone out. I feel like I never was in control of my own mind because Mawita'mk Society has to pay close attention to my mental status.

I know that I'm not that attractive because I got nothing to offer. I am full of pride, love and loyalty. I know that I have been learning my place with the family. Treading water in my own way. And making my own path in my own way. That's what I want a good grip and sense of control over my life.

I know that I want to have huge success, accomplishments and milestones. I know that I want to test my knowledge of plumbing and psychology. But first I have to read and research first. I know that I want connections and good references. I hope that I could be happy with a profession as Plumbing. I know that I want to make money and have my life tested in colleges, universities and academies. I know that I don't have anything to offer to a lady because I am experienced but I know that I don't have the energy. I know that I want to mind my own business and keep on trying to get a lady on Tinder.

I don't need no damn smartphone to have a good time in my bedroom. I know that I'm still lonely and have to keep at my Tinder app and Facebook dating app. I know that I'm still that little nerd who don't want to be called a nerd. I know that people don't know how my mind works. I feel that privacy isn't what I have.

Addictiveness is what they want me to be entrapped by. I know there is online gaming addiction, pornography addiction and other addictions that I'm aware of. I know that I've experienced certain additions and I know that I've paid the price. I know that I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and don't have that much freedom to live my life. I know that I have to be highly organized, motivated and working in Eskasoni. I'm criticized because I did not have that kind of experience in Eskasoni on my own. Now I don't know if I could thrive in Eskasoni.

I know that I'm ready to date but I don't think that I'm not that handsome because I don't attract any woman in my life through apps. Everyone got problems and I should find common ground with couple women in my life. I know that I want to move back to my old hometown apartment in Eskasoni. I know that I want to enjoy myself properly.

I could enjoy my own thoughts because I'm well taught. I know which teachings, education and edification I could use. I know that I have to get back to walking again. I know that I want to enjoy a good woman. I know that I'm still looking for a good woman. But I want couple of dates before I could get something going for me. I could remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Batman movies and Animated Series, Astro Boy, Justice League, Superman, Dragon Ball, Transformers series and franchise, Star Trek franchise, Star Wars franchise. I had a lot of movie experience with my hometown people. I was a social butterfly until they hurt me again. 

I know that I want to have a good collection of Ghostbusters dvds, Fast and Furious Dvds and others like X-files all seasons dvds. I know that I want to become independent and free from Mawita'mk Society with a full driver's license, couple of credentials and careers, and a car to drive out of here. 

I know that I have a good group home and I wouldn't mind if they kept in touch with me, if I did move out on my own. I know that I want to get my second transplant kidney and full driver's license. But first I have to become fit and get into forms of exercises.