Forever and Ever, Amen

Eskasoni will be my hometown forever and ever. I just have to make a name for myself and learn those responsibilities. Having a job, professional career and full driver's license. I want to be world experienced with cooking and baking. Get my NSCC Cooking Certificate and NSCC Baking and Pastry Art Certificate. My accomplishments and success I could have with cooking and baking. The idea of having skills set matching NSCC programs like NSCC Horticulture and Landscape Technology diploma program, automobile service certification and Carpentry.

I have setbacks because I have kidney issues. Nobody can decide my fate and I know that I've been through trials and tribulations. Street style and I know that I have to move on out of here. Nobody wants me to thrive in this world. 

There is too much hate in this world through the classes. I am Indigenous descendant.

I have no attractive qualities or characteristics but I'll try to do something. But I am experienced with women. I know that I never had any relationship experiences but I am learning from Doctors and psychotherapists. Sex was something that was exposed to kids when I was a kid. And I know that I was taught hypersexuality through TV and the adults' acts. I know that I wasn't really protected because they humiliated and embarrassed. Putting me to shame by having sex in front of this kid. I had to learn humility because the adults didn't want to take responsibility. Sex was on TV and there was a more feral kind of living in Eskasoni.

I know those kids were into inhalant addiction and other things. Adult stuff that excluded me from hypersexuality. At a young age feeling rejected and defeated. I knew that I had to re-invent myself or recover from it.

I know that all my life I've been rejected from the ladies I wanted. I was never part of anything and I knew that I wanted to work. I've recovered emotionally, physically and mentally. And have recovered multiple things in my life and suffered losses and pains. I know that I did not have any smartphone education or have any connections to get a smartphone. I've done the messenger in the bottle thing. I've burnt my paper in a furnace thing. I've done therapy and had a guidance counselor. I was disabled and couldn't get laid. And I wasn't living a feral kind of living in Eskasoni.

I was sheltered when I turned 9 years old. And I still had to deal with bullies, perverts and fiends. I felt that I was learning about Emotional Vampires. And I knew that I had to rely on my sisters for emotional support. They wouldn't because they would be too young to understand.

I just needed them to hug me. And they have when I needed a hug. Hateful beings aren't never the light of truths. They are guided by it but the true support, care and love is to forgive and heal. I know this because I've been beaten a few times and it wasn't because I had a toy. I know that everyone was doing it and I couldn't protect anyone from it. There was rapists, child molesters and murderers. I've heard stories and the main reason for addictions and hypersexuality. I knew that hateful people are toxic people and have been emotional vampires. They infiltrate or influence people to do wrong, in some fashion or sneaky way.

Everyone is acting like I never knew sex at a young age. And everyone is strange and changed. They don't belong with truths of life and facts of life. My universal teacher was TV and radio. And I know that I have been living through hell and Christmas.

Sex impacted my self image and I couldn't really enjoy myself. I did have a sense of contentment and happiness. But I knew it wasn't going to last. I couldn't really enjoy myself because my stepfather didn't want me to. I was a simple man enjoying my inner beauty and calm. I knew that I wanted to work and drive. It has been twelve long happy years of no sex but outings, trips and concerts. I had a good long happy years in We'koqma'q community. I did not sulk but rather enjoy myself with Mawita'mk Society.

I knew that I wanted love and care in my life. And build a good, happy and productive, healthy and long life. I want to live much as I can with Mawita'mk Society and family. To settle these old things. Being an experienced Indigenous descendant bachelor who has a level of education and employability. I know that I could get a job anywhere in Cape Breton.

I had sex before and I know I had it in my teen years. I know that women hasn't been a problem. I know that toxic women and toxic men create hypersexual insecurities and doubts. Like I cannot remember if I was satisfied. Hateful beings can destroy innocent people. Growing accustomed to living here I know that I'm not innocent anymore. And working on redemptive works of my past to reconciled them. I know that I was taught well to use my coping skills. I want to accumulate enough life experiences, cooking experience, baking and driving to drive myself in Nova Scotia.

To cook and bake anywhere in a commercial kitchen. Hopefully I can get my own building somewhere with a type of apartment that is well suited for my own family, friends and Mawita'mk family and friends. I want to make connections where I enjoy cooking and baking for everyone that is something close.

I know that Mawita'mk Society isn't blood and I have to adopt a family psychology for Mawita'mk Society. But I do miss my hometown apartment. The things I could've done with a smartphone. The accessibility of Internet capabilities and jobs I could've maintained. Eskasoni will be my hometown forever and ever, amen. I know that Canada is a cesspool of hatred, bigotry and extreme prejudicial pettiness from misandry and misogyny. I know that I don't get to show my cultural pride and be socially accepted. Micro-aggressions has happened to me because I am an nerd.

I know that micro-aggressions that Vickie and others do. I know there is micromanagement and micro-aggressive behaviors, verbal cues and verbal communication. I know that I don't catch a break because I always have to work on something. This place is probably hateful in ways. I have legitimate concerns.

But I know that I have to understand that Vickie has cramps. And she will react badly to ant situations. Just kidding. She is bipolar and I know that I have to deal with her. I just want to be left alone. Her paranoid, bipolar ass doesn't have any human decency or respect. Come to think of it she is something toxic. And I know that Mawita'mk Society let's her get away with a lot. I don't want to live with someone that is toxic and don't want to get over her problems (if she has any).

I know that I don't want hatred and anger in my life. Feeling appreciative of what I have. I don't know what Mawita'mk Society wants from me but I know that I want powers, control and influence over my own life. I know that I have been learning financial literacy, mental health knowledge and traditional practices over the years. I've been trying to use it in a manner of speaking. I wanted to develop personally.

I know that there is micromanagement, micro-aggressions, mild racism and other things I cannot describe. I don't want to live here because everyone have their opinions. I want to be culturally relevant and knowledgeable in mental health literature. Learning coping skills and survival skills I know that I don't have anything of interest for them. I am a little nerdy little guy who never fought hard all his life. My stepfather has prevented any training in vengeance. Feeling like I could've trained myself in karate I know that nobody wanted me to succeed.

With Mawita'mk Society I feel disempowered. Like I am decontrolled in ways where I cannot make anything stick. It's not part of my disabilities but rather a discriminatory disempowerment that have been part of Vickie's power. I know that I don't have any powers to stop her or power of independence to think my way out of it.

Her guise of legitimate concerns are how she is explaining things. As long as she is being bitchery reasonable she has an advantage. Besides these people don't know me in my strong workethic mood. I know that I don't have any powers, control and influence to persuade or dissuade anything. But their dissuasions have persisted and insisted on being heard. I have my ALP diploma, I have my trade credential and driving experience. I have other credentials hanging on my wall and I have my Unama'ki Driving Certificate. I hope that I could pass all the stages of Nova Scotia Graduated Driver's Licensing Program here in Cape Breton. I need to renew my Beginner's license by redoing the test.

I know that I could ask if I could work on my driving goals. Ask? That's what I'm reduced to? Asking instead of doing? I guess I don't have any real reasons to stay here. I have powers of independence to think myself.

To think myself out of Mawita'mk Society's care. I cannot walk freely in Mawita'mk Society because everything is monitored, managed, controlled and patrolled. I know that Mawita'mk Society wants to control everything in the house. But I'd noticed a fee differences from being on my own and living here. One: I cannot eat much as I want, when in Eskasoni I was able to eat as much as I wanted. Two: I could stay up as long as I wanted and nobody could say anything. In Eskasoni I would read or turn on my radio. Three: it's crowded here and people come and go. My family from Shubie and Paq'tnkek don't visit me. Same old story.

Four: I used to be able to walk wherever, whenever. I did not have to ask anyone. I know that in my childhood I've been hurt, jealous, hateful and toxic. I had to heal from the deepest depths of sadness and anger. I guess I'm intellectualizing this story in ways.

The deepest part of my heart, the bottom of my heart says that I'm a Heavyweight of love, culture, family and Mi'kmaq identity. I know that I'm coming from love and I've fucked up a few times. I was fucked up and I couldn't really enjoy myself. I had to emotionally recover and I'd shown resilience. I've bounced back from the deepest depths of such toxicity. We are all a little fucked up, its the sneaky toxicity you have to watch out for. And now I'm happy. Simple happiness might be achievable. All this was because of anger, despair and sadness. I knew that I couldn't really enjoy my life with the idea that women didn't liked me.

And I couldn't study books on how to pick them up. Generationally different parents want the best for me but they go about the wrong way. They've never had the sex talk because I knew from TV, my stepuncle rapes of my mother and stepfather's acts.

I know that despair, jealousy, anger and hatred was my toxicity. Toxic waste was becoming and I didn't really have that kind of life where I had any relationship experience. I knew that I wasn't given much independence and freedom. I wanted to thrive and work but I had bullies. That prejudicial pettiness based in misandry have guided these brats to ruin my life in that sense. Well I've recovered and build on mental health literature from Eskasoni Mi'kmaq Lodge Treatment Center. I was taught verbally and with eloquence and force. I knew that I needed to develop personally so I'd moved to We'koqma'q community. With Mawita'mk Society I vould learn a lot.

I know that I want to be the hero in this story. But I am not because I don't fight. I have to be humble enough to accept my consequences and work on redemptive works of relationships. My family, friends and Mawita'mk family are gonna be in my memories forever and ever. I know that I don't like to say that I'm outgrowing all of them. But that's practically the goal.

I know that I love and have to find a partner. Feeling like I've been cheated out of my youth through anti-technological means. And I've been cheated out of my youth through driving and work.