Fortunate

Yes, I am grieving for some losses in my life. The loss of my uncle Alex, the loss of my desire to go Eskasoni. The loss of connections and political advantages. The lost of relationships with women that I used to have. And the lost of my emotional sanity. I cannot really give up right now. I have been fortunate enough to have such a good life. And I know that I want to have everything I need to be independent at Mawita'mk Society.

I know that I have been living with Mawita'mk Society for a while. I know that I had some saying to in how they've been treating me. I know that I want to be able to choose my own fate. I know that I could settle for one chick but I know that I have to live my life with Mawita'mk Society. I've lost my apartment and I know that I've lost my sex life for the time being. I just got to get back on the horse and keep on riding. I know there is a good place in We'koqma'q community.

I know that I've enjoyed many outings with this group home. And I know that I had plenty of memorable moments with the staff, past and present. I know that I want to have everything I need to thrive, outgrow and have a milestone in my life. To work on my personal growth to outgrow my past states. And to become independent. That means work on my personal enhancement of skills I need, the life skills and trade skills I need, the willingness to exercise physically and to walk more. To get aspects of my independence like my driver's license and BA degree. And to obtain new occupation for a good Employability level.

I know that this BA will give me a general job skills set where I could be employable in this community. I know that it's similar general area format as my NSCC Construction Trades Labor program and I know that I have a different general job skills set.

The educational delivery is different and I know that I could be a good psychological researcher. But I need to learn this smartphone and be patient enough to work it. Through avocations and odd jobs, chores and errands. I had a good thing in my life in Eskasoni when I was smoking up. It was my sense of purpose that I get books, weed and other things outside of my Welfare. I know that I never had any real romance but sex partners. I was happy in my twenties and I knew that something was missing.

I declined in mental health around 2010 and moved to We'koqma'q community. Worked on my education and trade, live at Mawita'mk Society getting lazy. And had a good Community programs like We'koqma'q Adult Essential Skills Enhancement Program and We'koqma'q Men's Wellness program. The sense of nobody there at my own apartment, to check on me will be good.

But I forgot about my life skills, life training and the life I used to have. Yes, we had barriers like transportation cost and food theft. I know that I was trying my best to do what I could with everything I can do. I know that I was deindividuated, anti-authority and hurting badly. I know that I did not want any help and people were making fun of me.

So, in light of everything I had suffered. I moved and struggled and grappled with that decision because I did not have a choice in moving back once I had my ALP diploma. But I know that the more I stay here, the more I will got better and enhance on my personal growth. I was healing from damages that everyone took. And I did not once get vengeance or justice from them. I know that I want to have peace in my life but I have to stay away from Eskasoni because I cannot thrive in Eskasoni. Even with the new infrastructural developments.

Rosie is trying to control everything in my life. Especially through social gathering. I cannot be patient or in control of my own mind. I cannot claim this place as my own. I don't want to have any domestic respect or control over this place. I don't have any good friends here or any car or anything. I know that I don't have anybody to rely on for my driver's license. I don't have to suck up to anyone because I know that is what they want me to do.

Be humiliated in that way and be damaged because of Indian Residential Schools. I don't have any respect for my independence whatsoever. I cannot socialize with people that want to humiliate me in every way. And I don't have any connections in this community like some people do. This community and many other communities have to learn the humiliation of Psychology of discrimination and prejudice. I don't care what they are going through. That what I felt at first. That have been my strongest struggle between being good and evil. 

They're going to leave me the discriminated and disabled nerd that cannot do anything for  myself. I cannot choose to drive or work. I cannot get my life together or even get a good job. I cannot rely on Mawita'mk Society, I cannot rely on the family and I cannot rely on the community. All I've been through, the humiliation I've suffered. The defeats and ego-bruising moments in my life. The loss of my apartment. It seems that I cannot catch a break. That has been my darkest thoughts. That I wasn't loved or cared for.

I've been sick since I was a baby with Thoracic Jeune of Distrophy and Asthma. And I had losses among losses that I had compounded grief. And I couldn't really have my true bloodline family because my stepfather told me that they don't care. And I had kidney problems on my birthday. Just before my biological mother said " Happy birthday John" I lost her and my kidney. And everything went to hell.

But come to think of We'koqma'q community, I never had any help in getting my driver's license by certain community members. Like I said I am the one that usually don't get my way, so I kept on thinking. And with this driver's license I probably won't. I know that We'koqma'q community judges me negatively. And I know that I'm not that well connected because of such negative stereotypical assumptions. I know that I cannot win a crowd that isn't open-minded. I know that they are intellectually lazy and don't want to stray too far from tradition and culture. I know these were my thoughts and I was getting angry.

I know there is a lot of hateful people in my world. And I know that I don't usually get my way because I'm frustrated and angry. I have to deal with a judgmental kind of community that don't want me to be emotionally intelligent. In 1960s the cognitive revolution started in psychology and psychology has come so far. And I have learned Psychology from a young age. Dr. Philip Zimbardo have been a small but big influence in my life.

I know there is an eBook called Psychology of Discrimination and Prejudice. I want to get this eBook because I want to know what's the science. I know that I have a lot of Psychology books that I would rather enjoy my time learning. I have that DBT Manual, I have Emotional Intelligence, Emotional Alchemy and a few Psychology texts. I know that I have a few history of Psychology and I know that I have the autobiography of Dr. Marsha Linehan.

To synergistically balance work, family, time and money in a productive way where I'm gathering information, knowledge and learning from other people's experiences on a regular basis. To stop procrastinating my readings and askings, to have a dynamic balance of all four areas and to let my own mind engaged into the world. I have to stop being cynical, pessimistic and critical in my thinking.

Be more positive and healthy in my thinking. I have 35 years of experience on this planet. I should be stop procrastinating my readings, listenings and askings. And learn to work within the community to help out to earn my way through the weaving crowd. I know that I want to earn that kind of respect, the official laborer of We'koqma'q community. Who collect pop bottles, beer bottles and glass bottles. And cans too, as payment.

I want to be that kind of strong workethic and commitment to this community. I want to do everything I can do with my second kidney. But now I'm on dialysis and I have to prepare to live here for a long time. I want to get pop bottles for Mawita'mk Recycling program. I want to do laboring: that is landscaping( installing sod, building garden boxes, planting trees and making the yard beautiful), yard work( clean and organize the yard, make the yard more efficient).

General area of laboring is also picking up garbage from the yard, piling wood and chopping it, weed whacking and attending to the gardens.

I could do small plumbing projects. I know plumbing diagnostic tricks of the trade. And I know how to fix small repair plumbing projects and I know how to install a stand-up bathroom. I just need mentoring and apprenticeship under a Red Seal or learn from a general contractor.

I know that I want to work and get in shape for work. I know that if I had my second kidney, I would have a good rhythm and flow at exercising, working and taking my medications. I know that I have to keep my injection in mind and become responsible for my own benefits. To learn all the health-wise things for myself and to become more aware of a schedule.

I want to learn much as I can with all this laboring, assisting and being helpful. I want to be pro-active after I get my second kidney. And hopefully, I can get assess by the Kidney Foundation.

But if Mawita'mk Society is going to build a garage out back. They should consider a small rec center on top and at the bottom a gym/garage outdoor experience. An easy atmosphere of motivated exercises without the competition will be appealing to some. And I know that I could learn a thing or two about hosting/fitness knowledge keeper job.

I know that if they have a a good amount of momentum of building, they could bud two floors with the garage and have a garage type of gym and a small rec center and a small one apartment up top. If they could get something going on with the garage. A membership kind of deal could be made.

An outside membership kind of deal to have all the benefits of having an easy-going gym. I know that there is a lot of potential with the back land back there. And I know there could be a supported apartment added on top of the rec center. The garage building build could have two floors added for a small rec center and a small apartment. Just shooting ideas around.

Anyways, this place is an ideal place to have a full time employment from Mawita'mk Society. I know that I want to work much as I can at Mawita'mk Society. And learn from Ann Marie Powers about cooking. She might be the new Business Development Coordinator at Mawita'mk Society and a driver. I know her early rising will be the direction I want to go. Yes, I want to sleep in but at the same time, she is inspiring and motivating. She could be the best teacher I had.

And with Wayne, when my second kidney comes and I am independent again. I want to learn much as he knows too. I don't care if he does small projects, I want to learn from him. I want to do that Trades business as a side business. And get my cooking Certificate from NSCC. I know that I could have a good Employability level to a point where I'm employable with the community through my BA and Trades.

There is so much potential in We'koqma'q community through Mawita'mk Society, Cape Breton University and NSCC College. I know that I am living to the fullest potentials of Mawita'mk life with the exceptional cookers, contractors and other skills I want to have. There is so much potential here that I don't want to leave. I could create memorable moments in We'koqma'q community and have a good reputation of being the hardest, toughest and smartest worker ever.

With such efficiency, skills and education that I am well informed about a lot of things. I want to be that kind of professional, pro-active and efficient worker I want to be. Where I'm used of the hard stuff and I enjoy the job well done. I know that is the kind of job satisfaction I could get from Mawita'mk employment if they have a restaurant business going on with the new center.

I know that I have a good life at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I could create memorable moments by getting my own first car, by getting my real ten-year employment from Mawita'mk Society. And a good understanding of the Atlantic School of Skydiving, Scuba Diving too. And I want to be well trained for a lot of things. Like piloting a helicopter, plane and boating. I want to pay for my first 4-wheeler for the ATV trails. I want to be paying for all the service on my smartphone, pay my bill, Playstation console.

I could learn to cook in a group home with Ann Marie Powers. I could learn much as I can and put it into practice. Be very practiced and disciplined where I am in routine with life skills habits and cooking. I want to be a chef and a general contractor for a side business. I want to be this kind of tough, strong and hard worker who makes it through daily with a hard day's work. I want that kind of job satisfaction from Mawita'mk Society  and I want to have that kindof integral part of life in We'koqma'q community where I am a professional chef, a general contractor and a Doctor of Psychology.