The Philosophy of Self-containment

I know that someday I will find love. Lucky are those who find young love and live their lives to the fullest potential of their personal growth. The enhancement of personal lifestyle is a good thing. Especially when coming from so much struggles and miseries. 

I am self-contained, meaning that I enjoy my solitude because I'm strong enough to be alone. There is a philosophical notion or inkling or sense about that. An ancient immortal's epistemological one that comforts and loves. What is the beginning of the ancient philosopher's origin knowledge? How to make the baby years interesting?

But I have been doing my first day at Mike Power's men's building workshop. I know that I like to live my life with someone but I'm 35 years old and I'm kind of used of the downtime, solitude and being independent in a way. Moments that defined my independence back in the day.

Yesterday I've made my bed, changed my clothes and went for my injection, waited at Therasa Memorial Health Center for the Mawita'mk crew that were going for their appointments yesterday. And went for my second appointment. After all that I went to Mike Powers' Men's Workshop and done my thing there.

I'm glad that I am building connections and in that I could develop long-lasting friendships. I know that I am lonely now but eventually, I will get a lover. I have to because I want one. There is a lot of work to work through. And people discouraged and deterred me in every way. But I want to get a fine young thing and live my life with her. I am an rocker type but I know that eventually, I will have a lover someday. I am getting to know people and I am trying to look for one. I know that I want to have a young fine thing but I'm not that attractive. I don't have any incomes.

But I am working on my personal growth and hopefully, I can get something out of Nova Scotia. I know that I am a single guy and I have to work at building trust. Yesterday I've done the workshop and today I'm hungry. I know that I want a snack but it seem that Clare don't want me to have snacks after supper. Mawita'mk Society is strict and I have to have mind over matter.

I know that nobody wants me to starve and I am not, but I'm hungry for peanut butter and jam sandwich. I know that I'm losing this battle because I don't get any snacks. Right now I just want snacks and I know that I'm learning discipline through Mawita'mk Society. I am learning to be strict on myself and not give in to snacks. I know that I'm being restricted to a point where I am frustrated but I have to practice patience. I know that I don't usually get my way because I am just a client.

They forget I have been a renal patient all my life and I'm just simply sick and tired of it. I had no lover throughout those years helping me, supporting me because women want a man that could take care of himself. I don't usually get the hot women. The addicts and fiends, sure. But those rich bitches that have everything that they want? Yeah right?

I cannot take care of myself because I am dominated. I don't usually make the calls and I don't rely on Mawita'mk Staff for any free, independent life. I have to live my life according to Mawita'mk Society because I cannot seem to take good care of myself. Funny, isn't it? I am alone because of Mawita'mk Society perpetuating dependency in me because I cannot take good care of myself. I cannot get laid or have a woman in my life because of Mawita'mk Society. I have to have a clean, sober woman that don't drink. That don't do any crimes.

I am the poorest optimist that have to be strong because my renal life requires it. I cannot socialize with others because they don't understand that aspect. I am alone and I have to be self-contained. I have to masturbate with porn. And live my life as an independent, resourceful person at Mawita'mk Society. I'm 35 years old and I don't have any driver's license, car or careers in the long run. I have mini jobs and I don't usually keep my job because one: It's the end of a pilot project or two: I am sick.

I don't get to get riches or work to the fullest potential of my ability. I am learning my position in life and learned the coping skills I need to continue this way. I will be alone and it's kind of funny. I am met with cruel irony of my life. When I've learned the importance of socialization. I am stuck and bound by Mawita'mk Society to live a life alone. Romantically it's funny.

It's not "haha" funny but it hits a funny bone. So many twenty years old getting married and having boyfriends. And I cannot seem to get one date online because it cost tio much to simply talk to a women. The free dating website don't have any guarantees that it's  women nor does the paying ones too. And I cannot seem to go on a date because I got no friends willing to put me on a date. I am learning my role in disability world and I am learning to accept it.

The need for love is a curse and I don't need to worry about that. I have to put up with my therapist pushing for me to have dates. I've grown up without a woman and damned for having potentials for a woman. I have been trying to get something at least but I am not that attractive or sexy. I guess I found the funny bone. I am independent and I'm enjoying it. Well, not truly independent but enough to?...

I usually don't get to call the shots at anything. I am mess and I am assuming that I won't be any good at command or leadership. I am an inept kind of guy who doesn't know what he wants to know. Due to low energy or tiredness.

Lucky are those who get young love or sex. I am damned throughout the years. And I cannot get my way. I am still struggling because my therapist is pushy. I know that I want to enjoy my single life. I know that I'm happy where I'm at. Women aren't expressive or desirous to have as a mate. Nor are men or anyone. I don't have that kind of experience in my life. And I usually have nothing but second class citizen sex. But for me now, it has been eleven years and nobody is either good enough or I am nothing, to the ladies or undesirable. So, I'm stuck in a rock and a hard place. Men are deprived of sexuality because of hypersexuality.

I got my Playstation consoles, Xbox 360 console and all my electronics. I know that I am at a status quo that I have to be happy with because I don't have any other choices. Mawita'mk Society will try to modify my behavior to make or perpetuate dependency in my life where I cannot break free.

Ah I got a smartphone and all the electronics to communicate with the world. I don't usually get my way but at least I have friends on my DC Universe online game, I think. And other games on my Playstation. I don't ask for help because I find it humiliating. And I'm stuck at a place that I have to be living the way they want me to live.

Anyways I have a communication lines in my bedroom. I don't usually get the pretty girl but I bet I could get the addict online. Usually it's a gay hormonal teen bigger than me and man-handling me. I hate that.

Chilling out to Afterdark. I could get used of this life. At least I have hopes in making friends that are willing to hook me up. I don't usually get what I want but it's nice to think there is hope. At least Bill Nicholas had lovers in his time.

I got no hope because I was raised with a stepfather who wanted me to suffer the consequences of disobeying him. I don't usually get my way but step parents left me alone enough to break my heart. Or strip my right to love. I cannot seem to open my heart because I am learning my limitations. I am learning the controls of my own mind and hopefully, I can incorporate all my past skills into the present.

But I know that I cannot be mentally tough or have strengths to carry on. To walk on because it seems that this group wants me to open up. I was malnourished in Eskasoni.

I was so malnourished in Eskasoni that my own shit smelled good. I don't have anyone to rely on and I don't have any increase in sense of purpose. My will to live is based on my own self-therapy, self-interests and sense of direction. But I have a family and I have to be cautious in learning my own role in disability world.

I don't usually go on dates. I never have and I probably won't be able to. Usually I get rejections and I know that I'm the Devil's Rejects. I am not hot enough for hell and good enough for heaven. Humanity played a cruel joke on me for creating such instincts.

I know that I am unwanted and that is the truest definition of being unwanted. I cannot stand hell but I'm used of my own personal hell. I cannot get any help because I am a coward and loser. And I cannot get laid with a lot of women because I am not that attractive.

Plus I'm bound with dialysis and I don't usually have the best of luck with women. So, I have to be self-contained and enjoy my solitude and single life. I know that I want to get my driver's license because it seems that is what everyone has. Those that are successful.

I cannot get a date because the dating site cost money. I was told that there are free ones but I don't believe in that. Somehow, soneway it's messed up and I have to deal with the consequences of all that.

In this cruel world where sex is for sell, I still cannot get laid. I'm just feeling alone and I have to acknowledge that. I know that I'm literate and educated but it doesn't mean real intelligence. Intelligent people know how to work these worlds and technology to their benefits.

Its alright, I'm used of beautiful women rejecting me, being protected or simply not liking me. They only like me because I could be a connection for them or either I'm useless, at least I think.

Psychologically speaking, self-containment is the sense of status quo and accepting it as is. I know that self-containment is enjoying the single life through recreational activities or studies by myself. I shouldn't be feeling down, I should be getting information and knowledge and ask those who are experienced in relationships. I should be independent in my own way where I'm self-contained. 

Being self-contained is being independent in recreational activities or studies in my alone time. It's engaging in video games and other fun activities. Yes! I know that I won't be able to get any love but at least there might be hope to get laid. 

But self-containment is happy independence and I know that I don't get the pretty girl but I could learn how to work this world and it's technology to my benefit. I know that I have a good life and I know that it's the status quo. I cannot progress any further with my driver's license or anything I want to make me happy. I know that I've traded my freedom for their regulations and rules and policies. Sexuality isn't the free thing I thought it to be.

I should be getting or reading information, books and articles on a regular basis. I know that I'm alone but I need to put the research in and work within my bounds. I get tired after dialysis and I know that I have to have my own way.