Trying to Take Heart

My sister Billie Jean has been going through financial stress. And learning this, I've learned that her phone broke. And she has been trying to get us on Public Mobile incorporation. I know that my sister means well but I could understand her frustration with bills. I know that I have to be more appreciative of what I have. This Android smartphone is versatile and I like this phone. I know that I had a chat with my sister and she said she will handle everything. I will just have to pay $50 a month and it will be financially easier.

I hope that it's a good plan and I hope that I could go back on Bell Mobility as I go into my new job with Mawita'mk Center at the highway. I know that I'll need to have a pay increase or raise on my pay. Hopefully, every two weeks I get paid and hopefully, I can get a good pay out of this kind of employment. Bell isn't a good company.

Eskasoni has kept me down and beat me down there for their own sense of fun or violence. I know that I hadn't any chance in Eskasoni and I know that I'm always losing everything. Mawita'mk Society is different and they make good sense that I have been learning discipline through them even though I'm tired of it.

They perpetuate dependency and want me to accept that. No, the choices between independence and dependency is my choice alone. I know how to think and they want my imagination to fail. I know how discrimination works and I know that people don't respect me at all be because I've been with Mawita'mk Society for eleven long years. I don't get that respect of independence where I choose to live or die. It's not just that, it's everything here that I cannot even have sex. It's not open for discussions nor do they have an openness to it.

I am slammed in verbal Judo and I cannot rise above. I know that I'm not well liked by Darren and I know that he doesn't have experience I have. He had an easy life and I know that I suffered greatly. Darren sense of logic isn't congruent with what I want or how I want to live my life. I just want that kind of independence where I don't give a shit and I have that kind of freedom to choose.

I know that Mawita'mk Society hasn't provided a sense of freedom all that in years. I know that I hadn't been given any choices to how I want to live. It seem that I cannot get any justice in this place because I'm insignificant and have to be treated as such. I am very little in this organization and I don't have any respect from the workers or residents. I know this because I am weak and pathetic. I know that Darren had his easy life. Sure he had losses but I had defeats, missed opportunities, past regrets, bullies turning into enemies.

I attract troubles and I don't have to do anything. I just attract the troubles that had been a big part of my life. I know that I'm not well suited for romance but at least I'm still trying to survive. I know that I don't get any love in my life, I had losses in sportsmanship, martial arts and other recreational things that I would enjoy. I don't know how to fight. I don't know how to practice martial arts.

I know that my biggest loss was with the teen ladies. I haven't been really good at romancing, courtship or anything. I don't have the patience for it. I hadn't been on a date and I don't get hook ups. I know that I am on my own from this community and that community. Mawita'mk Society is always putting regulations on me and I know that I want to have everything I want.

But I still wake up and keep trucking on. I don't catch a break.

I usually don't get the pretty girl and I don't get anything. But I still get up and try to do things. The efforts made be gone because Rosie said I don't need to try anymore. And I don't have muscles. I am always trying to get my driver's license and BA degree.

It feels like love don't conquer all and I have to keep trying. Being patient about the results and keep working at it. But I know that now Darren understands my history with renal dialysis. I know that I'm scared to lose the opportunity of getting my BA degree, driver's license and fitness. I want to live for that self-interested reason. I have to be selfish in a way where I enjoy learning about my health. I have to have self-love just enough to become interested in my own health.

I don't have wisdom( experience) from all this knowledge I have. I don't know the applicability of each knowledge.

I know that I have to learn much as I can and get used of the jobs I will get with my BA degree. I know that I'm looking forward to going to college and getting everything I need part time. But I'm scared that I won't be able to do this. I know that some days I have energy to keep going and other times I have no energy. I know that I want to be well educated and informed by those who have experience and intelligence of the field.

I know that my stepfather has experience in the field and learning the situations with the job, I know that I hadn't any real therapeutic techniques to help some body. I know that I don't know if I can handle such jobs. My stepfather diminished my will to learn and experience life. Not too much but enough to be cautious. I am not that perfect big brother and I know that I'm going through some stuff right now. I just want to get my second kidney with the Kidney Foundation.

Yes, I live at Mawita'mk Society and yes, they have provided reasonable service to me in the past. They have used logic and work clockwork to keep me safe, secured and healthy. Mawita'mk Society is the ideal place to have a professional job like a counseling or political job or something. I know that I could be really useful in Mawita'mk Society with a BA degree-training graduation. I know that I could become an Integral part of Mawita'mk Society in a good way. I know that I could learn certain things with Mawita'mk Society like Skydiving, helicopter rides and other reasonable Cape Breton adventures I could get into.

I know that I could create memorable experiences at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I want to build a good life with a BA degree, driver's license and car. I know that I want a shot at a second kidney and hopefully, I can get a good assessment for it too.

So far it has been memorable for going out and realizing how important a car is for my social life. I know that I want to be well experienced in driving that I get a good experiences from it. I know that I have driving experience, work experience, work term experience, job shadowing experience and training. I know that I like this life that I'm living at now. Just the infrastructural developments have to come. There is space here for something of a couple stores. And I know that I want to be well immersed into Cape Breton adventures, CBU and Mawita'mk life where I am very trained, very practiced and very disciplined in hunting, Skydiving, Scuba Diving, boating and other adventures like hiking or 4-wheeling.

I want to be fit but I want to learn everything there is to fitness. I'm just frustrated with the delays in my life that I feel belittled. I know that I won't be able to attend college.

I know that I've been frustrated with regulations because I have been a renal veteran, 26 years of this renal patient stuff. I started this renal patient stuff at 1995 and I had to learn a lot of medical trained life skills. 

I know that I had that old discipline from my stepfather and stepmother. I know that I had a lot of struggles, conflicts and other issues that would make a settler cry. But I kept on trucking her and I know that no matter what thought I have, I will keep on going.

Romantically I'm alone, I have no one to talk to and I know that I have to have the strengths to carry on. I know that I'm literate and educated but that don't mean intelligence. It means that I had a good amount of knowledge to get through Adult High School through ALP, School of Access.

I know that I want to have a good woman at my side but I have to be patient and hoping.
I know that I like to have a good memorable life at Mawita'mk Society through Facebook where I go Skydiving, driving, having a relationship and a good job. I know that I want to be recreationally studious and assiduous in my studies. I know that I want to have a rocker chick for a good partner.

A nerdy little rocker chick that is. But I have to be patient and enduring. I have to keep working on my personal growth and enhancement of skills and quality of life. I know that Mawita'mk Society respects me but to what degree? I, certainly haven't earned any respect from them.

I know that I cannot enjoy rock and roll if the chick don't enjoy rock and roll. I know that I learn how to enjoy music through shared experience.