Hopes of Independence

If I have a strong enough belief and I am committed to whatever I'm passionate about, I could pass my days like an easy coasting of my life. I know that I am not that well connected to jobs because I don't have any respect. But I know the perks and benefits of having a job. I take pride in my job and I know that with every jobs I had, I took pride in them. I wanted to get money or barter for something. But I know that I can get a good job with a BA degree if I have the right rèsumè. I know that I have a physical portfolio and an online portfolio. I have a Facebook and LinkedIn page.

I know that Mawita'mk Society is a good group home and I am using them for a second kidney. I hope that I could pass this assessment with flying colors. I am going for a fistula so that way I could take a shower. But I don't want to get a fistula. And I have all this job experience in my life.

But I don't have any good reputation of being a hard worker. I know that I want to get everything I need to function on my own. I know that there are limitations, restrictions and regulations in Mawita'mk Society and I don't get any respect of my independence. I feel that I have to be in this limbo of dependency and reliance with Mawita'mk Society because I lost my opportunities of living by myself in Eskasoni. I don't have any respect for my independence because I am paranoid schizophrenic.

I am lazy after work and I don't want to be. My stepfather had me outside when I was young. When I was a kid. But now as I get older, I'm starting not to give a fuck about TV shows or movies. I am growing up to be a Seasoned Veteran Outdoorsman and I want to be that skilled, professional and learned. That I have a lot of the outdoorsmen skills and abilities.

I hope that I could have a professional career and an outdoor experience where I am an Seasoned Veteran Outdoorsman and Worker. I know that I want to be that skilled in carpentry, plumbing, building, assembling. I want to be sociable in my outdoor activities and have help from everyone that I know that it is socioeconomic. A little money for a small coffee.

I know that I have some experience with the outdoors, with my stepfather building and landscaping with him. I know that I have tons of lessons in my teen years. And I know that I am learning to accept certain things in my life. I know that I'm learning my role in life. And changes with Mawita'mk Society is something that I went through eleven years ago. I thought to myself I wouldn't be here for that long and I would have my full-time job and car, and drive out of here in ten years. I am still struggling to finish those goals.

My life goals are to get few CBU degrees and Dalhousie degrees. And get my full driver's license and BA degree from Cape Breton University. And live in Halifax while working on my Doctorate. I want to be a qualified practitioner of Counseling psychology. I hope that I could learn much as I can and do much as I want in my life. I know that I don't have enough knowledge in my life. I have to be the student of life and I have to have my books all well read and researched. I hope that I could get more books for my collection. I know that I will be learning all these books, encyclopedias, PDFs, eBooks, magazines, comic books, dictionaries and audiobooks. I know that I need to focus on my reading because I enjoy reading.

If I could live outside of Mawita'mk Society's care for 8 years of my life. I could learn to enjoy the comforts of a career where the job provides the luxuries of home apartment.

I know that I need to live my life on my own with a second kidney. I know that I want to pursue degrees and diplomas. I want to have tons of Counseling Certificates hanging on my wall as well as diplomas and degrees. I would call it JP's Wall of Credentials. I hope that I could get my full driver's license, BA degree majoring in Psychology, Bachelor of Psychology, Master of Counseling psychology and Doctor of Psychology. I know that I will be doing much as I can with everything I need to be independent and on my own. I know that social networking is a good thing to have.

I know that professional networking is good too. I just have to go for my dental. I need to brush my teeth and mouthwash. I know that throughout the days, the more I'm in the house, the more I will get used of chores and making my bed. I know that I'm on dialysis and I have to lose weight.

If I could keep going for Tim Hortons after each dialysis I could get a good walk in. I know that I want to have everything I need to be on my own and independent. Mawita'mk Society have saved me couple of times but I don't want to be in a limbo of dependency and reliance on them. I don't like it when Fleur and the others are bossy. I hate when they tell me what to do. And hold information because they want permission to boss me around. I know how they work, if I don't become docile they will withhold information. They think that they are the reasons behind my motivation but it's my independence I want still. I don't care if they care for me. I want to be independent and living my life without bossy people.

My independence is my main focus. My independence, health, fitness and life goals of independence. I want to get my full driver's license and BA degree.

I know that I cannot stand certain individuals invading my privacy. I know that Rosie is looking for liability issues with the inspector of this place. I cannot have my way in Mawita'mk Society or in my life because I don't have any respect from family or Mawita'mk Society. There is bossy ladies here, too many restrictions, limitations and regulations that I have to deal with. And the money issues I have with Mawita'mk Society. I want to have a good livelihood.

Mawita'mk Society took that needs of livelihoods out of me. And put some kind of mentality of dependency and reliance on them. I know that I have to wait until I can pass the assessment tests of the Transplant people. I know that I want to be willing to cook for myself, have the mentality of independence and freedom. I know that the convenience of managing my own life I don't have to put up with anyone.

Being single and independent is deciding whether to cook, go out or order in. I know that I could use Eskasoni infrastructural developments like Eskasoni Security, Eskasoni Public Transits Service, Eskasoni Communications and Eskasoni Supermarket. Eskasoni is becoming a self-sustaining community where I don't have to worry about transportation that much. People try to include me in their battles without paying me back. I don't have any reliable rides in Eskasoni through friends.

Yeah I miss living in Eskasoni but it seem that I cannot be on my own. I know that I'm not allowed to relax in my own apartment. I know that I have to move out of here because Rosie is trying to replace everything of mine. I know that I don't have an entertainment center. And I don't have any powers here because I would keep everything I want in my bedroom. I'm still young, I'm just 36 years old.

I have couple of years ahead of me some might say. I don't have any career ahead of me or have anyone desiring me in counseling positions. I don't have any degrees but a Adult High School diploma, Trade credential and a Driving Certificate. I know that I got a lot in my time but I want to be well trained in psychology. I know that I got my young life ahead of me, and that I have an accomplished past in We'koqma'q community. But I don't want Mawita'mk Society to subsume me into their community or organization. I want to be my unique self and learn much as I can. I know that I don't have any support in getting my BA degree.

I wanted to go back to school because of Skilled Laborer's Certificate wasn't panning out too well. And I think that I am not going to pass this assessment for transplant kidney with flying colors. I know that I need to brush my teeth, keep on walking.

Keep my cardiovascular exercises going. And keep working on my physical fitness until I can get my muscular fitness or a general fitness. I want to walk faster each day and keep building up walking endurance until I can get my sea legs back. I mean my walking legs. It seem that everyone wants to keep me down.

I know that I want to get my walking endurance legs back and I want to get in shape with a good renal diet. I know that I want to be self-directed, self-motivated, self-discipline and a self-day starter. I know that I want to be starting my own days and living my life in Eskasoni once I do get everything I need to function, work and live on my own. My hometown is growing and I am committed to building a life there.

Another reason that I want to move: they are so damn fucking paternalistic in their treatment of us. It seems that I cannot get no rides back and forth from Tim Hortons. And I cannot control how much liquids I take. It almost seem like we are children to them and I don't have any respect of independence because I cannot out-think them or outgrow them. I cannot be independent here because of Connie and others who are willing enough to control us. And I cannot get any support to move too. 

I know that I am being patient and calm now. My Godmum has passed 3/4 years ago and her husband has passed last winter. They've been a close part of my life. And I don't have any other Godmum.

I know that I want to go see my Godmum's grave. I know that I've learned emotional intelligence through relationships and therapy, and them. I know that I have to be this independent guy who has everything I need to thrive, survive and live my life to the fullest potentials of Freedoms of an Adult life. I want to have my life driving around and looking for women. I want to have an overall sense of independence and sense of purpose. I was held back because I am a disabled tool. I don't have any respect from my stepfather or stepmother. And I don't have any independence in their names: Mawita'mk Society and family. 

But once the full day's work is done. I am happy that I'm back home and I did a walk. I know that I don't want to be malnourished or dead. And going on my own is risky business. I know that I need my second kidney to get a rich full life opportunity again. I have an rich accomplished past in We'koqma'q community and learning from my books, I feel enriched and want to continue to be enriching. I know that I have a good collection of books, encyclopedias, PDFs, eBooks, magazines, comic books, dictionaries and audiobooks and printouts. 

I know that I don't want to provide safety for those who have harmed me. But that is the way it has to be: safe and compassionate with a good presence of mind. I know that I have a good home in We'koqma'q community and I know that I want to renew my Beginner's license. I feel rich with opportunities of life here and I know that I'm educated, trained and ready for work. But I need my second kidney. 

It's a struggle between what I used to be and what I am becoming here. I know that I have a lot of wisdom to apply to my own life from my past. And with experience comes a good usefulness of wisdom and experience. I know that I was a child addict and I wasn't the ideal child or teen. I was a womanizer in ways and with hypersexuality ideas and thoughts, I lived my life horrified from the consequences. 

I know that I don't have the best innocence but I try to do redemptive works of self-forgiveness, compassion and support. I try to help out much as I can, to the best of my abilities and skills. I know that I don't have a general contractor's knowledge, experience and skills. But I know that I am learning.

Living my life horrified and beating down the sounds of fears. I know that I'm trying to keep composed and strong. I feel that the rock music I listen to, I relate and feel good about the music.