My Fears

I fear that people use me in their little dark, psychological mind game in the cruelest way. I know that I want to protect my sisters and have peace of mind with granting them blessings. I know that I fear that a friend used me in his dark, psychological mind game when I wasn't myself. Now I'm paranoid schizophrenic and cannot be independent. I'm paranoid schizophrenic and on dialysis, looking at Mawita'mk Society for help. I know that my stepfather and real father wants me to appreciate this place. I know that I don't want to live with my real father because I want to be independent. He expects things to run smoothly in his reign.

But I know how fathers think. They think in name of protection. I know that I need my independence without their permission. I know that I need to live my life without Amy help. I appreciate the help but I want to have everything I need to live an independent life.

My second kidney, my full driver's license and car. I fear that everyone in my life wants me to be dependent in their psychological mind games. I fear there is an issue of control and perpetuating dependency in my life that Barb and everyone in my life has been trying to work in my life. I know that my step grandmother doesn't respect me and I know that she doesn't care about my feelings because she thinks that I'm still a child. She believes that she is allowed to have control over how I live my life.

It has happened when my stepfather left me at her house this week. Thursday I believe it was and she left Gordon at my side. My stepfather left me alone at his house but my step grandma couldn't leave me outside of her house? She is a racist bitch and has no respect for me. She thinks that I don't have any capacity to choose or be independent. Or have judgment or wisdom.

I fear that I would be beaten, battered and malnourished. I fear that my sisters would see me in the saddest way. And I don't want to disappoint them. They are my sisters I believe that they are my blood. I fear that I would disappoint them and slowly die if I move. I fear that I might be growing accustomed to this life where I enjoy the comforts of Mawita'mk Society, the benefits of Mawita'mk Society and the perks of Mawita'mk Society.

I know that I do enjoy all that and I want to stay here until I'm able to drive out of here careered in 15 years, got my BA, Bachelor of Psychology and Master of Counseling psychology. I want to have three Bachelor degrees: BA degree, Bachelor of Psychology and Bachelor of Adult Education. And I want to get my Master of Education. I know that I got opportunities from Mawita'mk Society and I have experience with them.

I am enjoying and growing accustomed to the lifestyle that is Mawita'mk Society. The comforts, the benefits, opportunities and perks of Mawita'mk life is what I enjoy now. I know that I am healthy, holistically living and have a good home. I know that I got it made because Mawita'mk Society and family buys, get and give me presents, gifts and other  things for my birthday. I know that I am provided with clothes, good food, good company, good music and good presents. I feel happy that I'm getting my bookcase from Mawita'mk Society. Hopefully, a five-shelf bookcase.

I know that I'm getting God of War for Playstation 4 because it was my birthday. I know that I'm loved, cared for and cherished as one of my step parents' brats. I know that I'm going to live a good healthy life with Mawita'mk Society. Women have been a big part of my life.

Each woman had their unique impacts on me and I know that they have different personalities and in this human diversity, I feel like I got a sense of freedom. I know that women have been beaten or abused but I don't want to be the perpetuation of such dependency. Most women have been independent and thriving. Some women live their lives according to what they want. I don't know if my sisters have been abused. I know that we are guided by the framework principles of virtue. To cherish knowledge is to have a intellectual curiosity to pass down and pass on. I know that I'm living the good life and I know that I'm not that independent anymore.

I want to be a teaching psychologist for my cousins, sisters and female friends. I know that I have been probably in a bad standing with women. I don't want to kill but I want to heal, grow and be console by a female lover.

The likelihood that racistic discriminations and slurs are what the women I cherish is going through. It's more than a likelihood, it's a growing fact I think. Ontological perspectives of Indigenous moral realities is what Neuroethics should investigate. Indigenous Neuroethics: Ontological Perspectives is what I want my thesis and book to be publish, if I ever publish a book or write such a book.

A blatant racism isn't tolerated anymore. We will call you out for it. I know that I need to be a fighter to make it stand. I know that I have all these feelings of making a stance. To build a reputation of making stances and becoming a successful lawyer. I haven't been able to take control of my own mind. I know that I don't want to be this person who is emotionally inverted because I have done some things in my life. I know that guilt I have is from stuff I've done.

Egalitarian ideas and principles of living with the seven sacred teachings that have been about the humility to live with human diversity, wisdom to learn and live with everything (variety of interests), honesty is making sure you did right if you did a crime. Respect is in many cultures, traditional knowledge and literature. Love is the foundation of upbringing, social structures and infrastructural developments. It's what guides us in our relationship in anti-colonial efforts and decolonization processes. We want you to love us through culture, tradition and being authentic, genuine and sincere.

The seven sacred teachings are honesty, love, courage, wisdom, respect, humility and truth. I know that I have this framework principles of teachings that was my basis of living a warrior's pacifism that have spread throughout my life. I know that I had a good life but I had bullies and enemies.

People that don't want to be honest with me. The people you have raised me in a racistic institutions that is just waking up. I know that there are some racists that don't want to wake up. Stolen lands, stereotypes, stolen children, stolen resources, discriminations, racism, lack of opportunities, economic conditions and infrastructural developments. That is from stuff like Indian Residential Schools, the Indian Act and so much social racism, systematic racism and institutionalized racism.

I know that I have been learning the Oka Crisis and other documentaries that have shown racistic remarks, comments and opinions of media, universities, colleges, government and RCMP.  The schools was racist and that they had a bunch of stereotypes in their heads. The Spirit of Annie Mae and other documentaries about First Nations is free online.

Nfb.ca is the website to go to for First Nation documentaries. I know that I've watched a few good documentaries. I know that I'd watched Oka Crisis and other documentaries in this website. It's called Acts of Defiance and its a pretty good film.

I know that I got Audible on my smartphone and I have Tanya Talaga for my audiobooks. I hope that I could download all her files from Audible. And get a good start at learning everything I need to learn from her. I got Indigenous books on Mi'kmaq and Indigenous Nationhood. I know that I could read those and get them out there for a good reading.

I know that I got a rich native heritage in the film industry, with nfb.ca and I got a rich history books with couple books I have. I feel like I'm enriched with all that I have enjoyed. I know that I have a lot of information.

I know that I have a rich personal library on my smartphone and in my bedroom. I know that I could learn as much as I want, I'm learning Indigenous contents and books. I got all the necessary information, books, pdfs, eBooks and audiobooks. I know that I got a good selection of Indigenous contents from acclaimed filmographers and other works of Indigenous knowledge.

I am learning from experienced Native elders and feeling that I could learn from them all, I could get my own works of family and spirituality in my own way. How can I capture my own family's spirit, struggles and things I've learned from them? Videos of my works to recording devices. I hope that they don't mind what I'm trying to do. I hope that I could get them before they passed. I want to capture why they did what they did. I want to get the videos of why's, how's, what's, when and where's.

I know that I want to get the full information on what they did with me and Steve, my older brother that have passed away. And why they did what they did? I know that my step grandmother is a racist and I had struggles with that. I know that I've learned emotional intelligence through those kinds of relationships with the heavy dynamics of the lifestyle I've had. I know that I cannot move out of here with my stepfather at the helm. And I cannot surpass this little bit of lifelong lessons and routines.

My step grandmother has been around for a while. She has influences that, with me she could exploit with. I know that I've been learning my role in my own self-destructive life. And I know that I don't have any good respect from her. She has been a heavy burden on me since she got the house I used to live in. And I know that I've endured a lot over the years. 

I fear that my older brother wouldn't get justice. I know that I want to get justice for him and do right by him. I feel that I have to get the information from my biological grandmother. She cares for us still.