Hash It Out

To hash it out and make a final say is a good thing. I know that I've done so much with my life and I know that I've tried to get a long career. I rather spend my money on music and Microsoft subscription. I know that I got Netflix app and CBC radio app. Where I could watch Star Trek: The Next Generation and other series released on Netflix. I know that I could listen to music on Spotify app and YouTube Music app. I know that CBC is free but I want to have a good couple subscriptions to Spotify, YouTube Music app, Netflix and CraveTV apps, along with Playstation Plus and Microsoft.

I know that I had struggles before and I know that I never had any justice in my life. I know that I got so much now. And I knew what kind of investments I wanted out of my CERB checks. I knew that I wanted Playstation consoles, Computer desktop, laptop, tablet and smartphones.

I have a Smart TV and TV wall mounter. I have to renew my Beginner's license and keep practicing driving. I know that I have to be patient with everything. I know that I have disabilities and lack of self-discipline in my life. But I cannot say that because I am on dialysis. It tires me out and I want to do so much. But I need my downtime and I need to keep composure with everything. I need to stay calm, patient and enjoying the comforts of Mawita'mk Society.

I don't have everything I need to live a thriving life: like a car for instance. And I know that I have to wait on my second kidney in order to get back on track. I'm living this life where I've hashed it out and had a final say in the matter. I know that I couldn't really get my money back or get Welfare secured in my old  place. I know that I have everything I need to be alone. Cable in my bedroom, WiFi and radio. And apps and books.

I enjoy these comforts and technologies of my life. I know that these electronics are a pretty good addition to Mawita'mk life in my life. But too, a job and getting my full driver's license will benefit me as I can get my second kidney. To have the benefits of Mawita'mk Society and live and flourish will be my victory here. I know that success is to thrive on my own, to work on my own, to do my chores and errands on my own. Taking pride in my own independence is taking pride in my life skills, trade skills and driving skills. To have pride in coping skills, exercising skills and routines.

I know that I have books for certain things. I want to learn from my books. Research and read, study and search based on my books. I would want to learn techniques and coping skills to teach, guide and to interject. I want to impart my wisdom to learn and have the passions of learning.

I want to be versatile where I have coping techniques to self-defending techniques. I want to learn Mi'kmaq ontologies, philosophy and other philosophy and studies. I want to learn so much that I want to read as much as I can with books I've bought over the years. I know that I have Cognitive Behavioral techniques and Dialectal Behavioral techniques. I have the book Inner Palace and other books I would benefit from. I know that I got books from Dr. Marsha Linehan, Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Tian Dayton and others. I know that I have a lot of good books and encyclopedias. I have learned to an extent, I just got to continue learning and enjoy my books.

I know the powers of mind. And I know that I needed help in guidance and therapy for my emotional reality. Feeling that I have a my own personal library of psychological literature and philosophy.

I want to understand myself through these books and my family's disabilities. I want mental discipline much as I have physical self-discipline. I want to have such focus that nobody distracts me. I have my book: The Inner Palace: Mirrors of Psycho-spirituality in Divine and Sacred Wisdom-Traditions. And my other book: A Critical History and Philosophy of Psychology. I know that I have a few good psychological literature. I know that I want to have a few more and work through them. I have learned a lot with Dr. Tian Dayton and I'm working through Dr. John Gottman. And hopefully, I could finish First Nations, Identity and Reserve Life. And re-start We Were Not The Savages by Dr.Daniel N. Paul. I know that I want to learn much as I can.

I feel that these books are my lifeline. I have to learn everything I need to through DBT Skills Training Manual.

And Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Techniques to Improve Your life. I got good psychological books that would be good psychological literature to research, study and recreationally read. I know that I don't got any sound of mind. I know that I'm disabled and diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I know that I'm not really respected, attractive or successful. I know that people love problems of others and want to trash everything I love.

I know that I'm a 36 years old with a expired Beginner's license, a Unama'ki Driving Certificate, a Construction Trades Labor program Certificate, a We'koqma'q Adult Essential Skills Enhancement Program Certificate, We'koqma'q Men's Wellness program Certificate, a Eskasoni NADACA Prevention Online Wellness program Certificate and Mi'kmaq Treatment Center Certificate.

I have a few credentials hanging on my wall. And I know that I want to be well educated, trained and ready for professions in We'koqma'q community. I want to be very practiced and disciplined mentally, physically and emotionally. Where I have all these coping skills, survival skills, life skills and trade skills and driving skills. That I have a few good incomes and a good understanding of business.

I know that things aren't what they used to be. I am no longer a teenager smoking up and smoking cigarettes. I know that I'd missed opportunities to get my Beginner's license when I was at the age of 16. I know that my stepfather and step family have disapproved of me succeeding or thriving in Eskasoni. I know that my stepfather didn't want me to get my own car or get a job. He wanted me stuck on welfare and getting nowhere fast. I know that I'd never had any chances.

Feeling that I'm stuck here because my disabled sister has her driver's license and car. Going for her BACS degree at CBU and I don't have any respect for anything. I had to drop out and focus on my health. I thought this place was supposed to focus on supporting me in my goals. Not their little operations. I want control over my own life with regards to schooling and training. I want to be well trained in driving over and over again until I have mastered driving by memory and keen perceptiveness. I know that they hold me back and they are for me to have support in my life where I can go to school or do exercise. Or drive. That's what Mawita'mk Society is supposed to be: the ideal support system.

I know because my depressed and anxious sister has full control over my life. I have to learn to get my own stuff on my own like a full driver's license.

I know that it will take 4 long years for any safe time. She wants to have everything in her life but she is doesn't appreciate the positivity or joy of doing it. I know that people keep holding me down and getting in my way. That includes We'koqma'q One Stop. I know that I haven't really gotten full-time status or professional respect from them. I know that trust is earn, not given. And I know that people don't want me to thrive because it would make for a good story. I am 36 years old without my own car, having difficulty in controlling my own life. And having no say whatsoever about what I want to do. My goals don't matter apparently and I don't have any respect for my independence.

Well I am happy for now. And I just got to renew my Beginner's license. I know that my sister is willing to let me drive. But what car or vehicle? I know that I got technologies in my bedroom.

I know that I don't need any help in fixing my problems in my life. And if I do move,  I would have my CBU BA degree, counseling Certificates, NSCC Plumbing Certificate and my full driver's license. With a small truck and a good idea where I would want to work. I know that I would have my Red Seal diploma in Plumbing. And I would have 8-year career in plumbing with a political advantages over We'koqma'q community. And a good communal, professional and personal networkings of Facebook, LinkedIn and other social medias I would take advantage of. I know that We'koqma'q community has little Plumbing experience.

I'm happy how my life turned out in We'koqma'q community. And I'll be happier if I could get my second kidney and get everything I want to live a productive lifestyle in We'koqma'q community. I know that I've walked today, to the We'koqma'q Center.

I know that I'm happy that I'm getting my second bookshelf. And I got WiFi capabilities, cable and my own smartphone. I know that I want to have my Eskasoni Communications bundle in my future apartment. When it comes time to move out on my own and to live my life the way I see fit. I hope that I've learned self-discipline through Mawita'mk Society mentally, intelligently, spiritually, physically, emotionally and economically. I want to learn everything from Mawita'mk Society and learn much as I can about routines, life skills, coping skills(using them to cope with changes).

I want an Adult Independent Skills set: that is life skills, survival skills, trade skills, coping skills, exercising skills and driving skills. That is a Adult Modern Man Skills Set. Having technical skills to survival skills. And learning about traditional medicine. Learning to navigate the social reality that is homeland.

I feel that I've navigated pretty good over the years. I have lived in my first apartment for couple months without incident. And I've learned to match up with everything economically when I came back home to 74 Street. I know that Horseshoe Drive I wanted to get online accounts, my full driver's license and BA degree. But at the same time I couldn't get any information about Eskasoni School bus system routes to Sydney. And I couldn't really get any safe passage to Sydney. So, I had to remain a 20 years old without formal education.

I know that I never had any real romance, connections or feelings of safety and security. I know that I never had any real smartphone chances. Or a siblings to rely on while I was learning. They were all babies when I was 20 and I was addicted to Marijuana. I wanted to simply embrace work and drive back and forth to Sydney.

My own recycling community business. I would try to save up enough to send off people to NSCC Construction Trades Labor program. And pay them properly for what they've collected. But I don't have any house or yard to create such a large undertaken like that. I know that Mawita'mk Garage could fit in back of Mawita'mk Society and get a good collection going. I know that they could store ATVs and other things in there. Christ sake there is enough room for the Mawita'mk Transit. And they could manage a mechanic's shop back there with a Recycling program.

I know that they've been growing and I want a Mawita'mk Garage back there. I know it would have a lot of storage. And it could be two-floored Garage. I know that they've would have a good storage of collecting pop bottles, glass bottles and cans. And learn to take them whenever. Feeling that a Two-storey building of a Mawita'mk Garage is something.

Nothing's the same as it used to be. And everyone is scattered around the province. Ray is in Chapel Island. Billie Jean is in Sydney in Whitney Pier. And Katt is in Sydney somewhere. I know that my real dad is after Katt. And none of my family don't believe in me. I don't want my sisters abuse anymore. I hope that would be clear to my real father.

I don't trust him and I know that he knows the right words to say things. I have to be on guard and get him away from my sisters. I know that he doesn't care for them and lust. I know that he is addicted again. And haven't learned his lessons in life with a distanced son. I won't care for him if he continues to be bossy, domineering and numb to all this. I know that he wasn't fathering me and I know he doesn't respect my independence. He wants to show that he has powers to abuse me. And he has in his own fashion. My real father has the powers to abuse.

I get angry with him because the sacred relationship between son and father has a delicate diplomacy involved in the DBT Skills Set. I know that Emotional Regulation, Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance and Interpersonal Effectiveness are the four skills that is being taught with the Dr. Marsha Linehan's DBT Skills Training Manual book. I know my power balance with my stepfather but I don't think my real father respects my powers. He wants to be nosey and over the top.

I know that the Leonard Paul's apartment was the other apartment I wanted to build a good home where I had a career, car and other skills. With Rosey Basque and Leonard Paul, I wanted to impress them. I wanted to show them I could earn all I needed for a livelihood. And be part of the community in a good way. I know that, that's what I want to show with this community.

Because I want to impress on my home community that I'm a hard worker. And I am willing to work for money, incomes, getting used of hard work. And becoming strong through the acclimation of hard work. I want to prove, without Mawita'mk Society, that I could take good care of myself outside of Mawita'mk Society's care. But I'm on dialysis and I have to be patient until I can get my second kidney. I know that I would be more free from dialysis and I would live longer. I know that people were on dialysis for a long time. And I know that I've earned my ALP diploma, my NSCC trade credential and my Unama'ki Driving Certificate. I just need to renew my Beginner's license.

I know that my real father doesn't respects me. And he wants me to introduce him to young ladies. I know that he doesn't go after ladies his age. And I know that he doesn't respect me at all.

The risk of moving back home is that I get re-traumatized again and I don't get to work properly. I suffer malnourishment and beatings, as everyone doesn't care for me. I know that Rob Shipley has been a big part of my life because he wanted me to buy the Playstation 2 for his son. I didn't get my own PS2 with my own money. And I know damn well that I didn't get any good food, good music and good company from him when it came time to feed me.

I know that I've could've done better by getting my injection every two weeks. And taking my medications every four hours. It's controversial because of Covid-19, what he considers I owe him and the good life I've lived. He wanted dominance over me because he thought I wouldn't write this. He thought I needed him. And I knew that he used me in his schemes. I know that he didn't want to work for his pop bottles.

But he was coming around and moved to We'koqma'q community to improve on my education, work and car purchases. I know that I have posted a few things on Facebook about my work experience, about my education but I haven't posted anything about driving. I want to purchase my own car or truck on my own as I work to get my BA degree, NSCC Plumbing Certificate and Red Seal diploma. And to get my full driver's license. Andrea Currie is helping me out with all that. 

Actually I do need some guidance but not a whole lot. I needed to work on my personal arsenal of entertainment and collection. I know that Eskasoni isn't safe and I know that I have all I need to work on. I know that I've had a good long eleven years at We'koqma'q community. And I know that I'm in a headspace I don't want to be in. We'koqma'q One Stop has been nothing but good to me. So, has Rob Shipley. But it's not without a price with Rob Shipley.

The opoid crisis, the Covid-19 pandemic and the job shortages. I know that we are stuck in this cycle of addictions. And I know that I don't have any professional experience to garner any respectability. I know that I've suffered and that don't amount to nothing. 

I know that I have to start taking initiatives at Mawita'mk Society. I haven't been showing my independence with them. I have to start showing that I could stick with the bare minimum of routines. I know that I need to start taking care of myself on my own before I move out. It's been a fight for years with my laziness to keep up with the bare minimum of routines. I know that I need to prove to Mawita'mk Society I could take good care of myself. And live my life according to the bare minimum of healthy, good routines. 

Trust is earn, not given. And respect is shown without malice or duplicity. I know that I've learned, over the years, to trust Mawita'mk Society. They haven't misguided me or schemed off of me. They have helped, throughout the years with my education, work and my sister has helped out, with Raf, Unama’ki Driving School and Tyson, with driving. I know that I'd learned a lot and want to continue on this path in We'koqma'q community. I know that I need to get my Beginner's license renewed and start working on my personal hygiene, personal initiatives and remember all this. I cannot rest until I have everything in routines. 

I am still fighting but not anymore, to keep this misapprehension of being independent, self-reliant and intelligent. I have relied on others for knowledge through books, encyclopedias, PDFs, eBooks, magazines, comic books, dictionaries, articles, audiobooks and more. I know that there are plenty of learning apps to get. And u know that I need to learn much as I can.