The Freedom of Being on My Own

I know that I'm paranoid schizophrenic and have a few disabilities. I know that there are more fucked up people out there. And I know that I got my sea legs. I mean my walking legs endurance. I just got keep walking, making it a daily routine. I want to walk the full week to Tim Hortons. And get my small coffee and get my morning coffee. I know that Connie is strict but for my own good. Sometimes she assumes too much. I feel that I have been doing a bath but even Darlene doesn't trust me. I know that I don't have any choices because I would've been choosing not to trust Mawita'mk Society.

I know that Mawita'mk Society is lying out of their teeths because I know that they ain't supporting me in my life goals. I want to get my driver's license and BA degree. But Mawita'mk Society rather have me in limbo of dependency and reliance on them. I know that I don't want to depend on them.

Because they would get things wrong. I know that Darlene is blind mentally and Connie is an middle child. She gets away with a lot here and so does Darlene. She threatened to invade my bathroom privacy when I do take a bath. That is drastic and I am not that disabled. She is practicing ableism and ageism. And Connie, she is so strict that she doesn't want to lighten up. She wants me to simply obey instead of getting stuff right. I know she means well and have well intended goals of daily work. I know that I need to get used of doing chores after I use my bathroom.

I know that I want to get used of everything that Connie is putting me through. I want to be thoroughly trained again and get used of helping out with chores. I know that I'm kind of lazy and I don't have any words of encouragement. But I know that I was motivated and determined to get out of here.

If that means staying here and getting re-trained by Connie and Fleur. I will. I know that I need coffee in the morning. And I want to wake up at 6 am on my offdays. I want to start my training in driving, I want to be motivated for health and fitness. I want to be well walked with physical foot and leg endurance that I got a new level of walking legs. I want Mawita'mk Society to get it right right at the start. And I know that I'm not abused but it's a slight mistreatment.

I know that I would receive deadlier mistreatments from Eskasoni addicts. I know that I don't want to move into that battle. I feel that I'm at war with truths and facts. I know that I don't have any respect for my own home, and I know that I wouldn't get respect for my own car. I know that I have to stay away from certain people and learn my driving boundaries. I want to do training with Connie and Fleur and get used of waking up.

Making my bed and taking a bath in the morning on my own. I want to get used of morning preparations where I get ready in the morning by making my bed, taking a bath and shaving on my own. I want to brush my teeth on my own. And I want to get used of work schedules and domestic chores and preparations. I know that I have to motivated myself in the morning. And get used of doing stuff by a schedule. I want to have my life together in that way where I have a morning routines, daily routines and evening routines. I know that I want to exercise to prove that this place is good for physically fit, strong and tough people.

For me fighting is a chore and I'm years of living in peace. I would rather have my life in productivity than to have it stagnant and belligerent. I know that I want to have my own car but that would come in due time. I want to have a lifelong healthy and good habits.

I want to have a lifelong healthy and good habits and routines of preparatory skills, life skills, coping skills and strategies and fitness skills and fitness routines and habits. I want to be learning all about routines and habits and have my dues in the books and other skills like finance. I want to get my physical fitness until I can get my muscular fitness. 

And I want to be flexible, agile and lean in ways. I want to do much exercises during my off-days and have my lifelong routines. The system is backwards in media, universities, churches, government, organizations, businesses and corporations. I know that certain industries have racistic policies and procedures. And I know that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is trying to fight Natives in the courts.

They believe that they still could deny. Denialism is a practice and I know that US practice this. I want the whole truths to cover.
I know that Mawita'mk Society isn't a place that let's insane people move out freely. I know that I have to get approval from family to make choices that are mine. I know that I'm going through some stuff with dialysis. I have too many disabilities to live on my own. 

Feeling that I'm trapped here. I know that I am a skilled poet and writer, I want to be a skilled autobiographer once I get all my poems published and sci-fi, futuresque military world of my novels. I want to finish my book with writing it. I want to finish my book with reading it.

I have to get used of obedience here because I don't have self-discipline anymore. I am recovering from traumas of my past and I know that I've learned to take all the skills I have and use them. I know that I cannot practice plumbing because Mawita'mk Society deems me unfit to go into trades. I still have instincts that I cannot ignore.

I know that I cannot wait to get a real job. I know that I am volunteering for Mawita'mk Society and they are compensating me with $50 every week. On Thursday I get $50 and every three months, starting in January I get my GST direct deposits. And every December I get my Christmas bonus and buy whatever I want. I want to get used of my domestic chores and errands, appointments and driving. I know that I could get deterred and discouraged from doing this. And I know that they have choices to help out. Feeling that I don't have that kind of backup, I feel helpless and powerless. Nobody wants to help me in any way, fashion or style, in driving goals and University education goals.

For my personal and professional use I have Facebook app, Messenger app, Instagram app, Twitter app, Tumblr app and LinkedIn app. Those accounts are free and I don't have to pay for it. Except Facebook pages.

I have to pay for my Facebook page's advertisement. I hope that I could stop it and have everything return to an equilibrium. I know that I don't want to be in debt with anyone and I want to be well immersed into the outdoor activities. Soon the Mawita'mk Work Program will re-open and the new building will open. And I will have a reason to walk down and get my exercise. I know that I can learn a lot of life skills essential to living a good life with Mawita'mk Work Program. The new building is full of spaces and I hope that I could put my exercising equipments in there.

Hopefully, it opens soon because I want to see what they got in store for me. In Eskasoni news Entrepreneur and Apartment owner, and former Chief Leonard Paul has passed away. And another former Chief and Apartment owner Blair Francis passed away. But current Chief Leroy Denny is sworn in for his fifth.

I know that I don't have any chance to get back to my old apartment on 74th street. I know that I don't have any apartment on Sanwell Drive. I don't have any good memories of living in Eskasoni with a good Playstation consoles. I know that I got ripped off by Rob Shipley. I know that I was misinformed, misled and under misapprehension that people are generally nice with money.

But they have a new Mi'kmaq doctor, they have a new Nurse Practitioner and they are starting a new nursing home, multi-purpose recreational center, fiber opt, Eskasoni Communications, Eskasoni Security, Eskasoni Public Transits Service and a new Tim Hortons. They are a growing community that is looking to expand and grow. I know that this Tim Hortons will have a good life in Mi'kmaq community. My hometown is looking more tempting to move back.

I know that I want to drive on out of here with a few careers under my belt. And my own car or truck for tools and work. And have my BA degree and NSCC Plumbing Certificate. I want to be 8-year experienced work with this kind of work. I want to have my Red Seal diploma in plumbing. I want to have my full driver's license, truck, BA degree and Red Seal diploma in plumbing. And physical fitness until I can get my muscular fitness, walking endurance and strength-training muscles. I don't want to be a body-builder but I want to exercise like one. I just want to be lean.

I know that I have a lot of potential here. And soon, I will get everything I want and need to live a good life in Eskasoni. I know that people are selfish and cannot do what I need to apprentice someone. I know that Eskasoni wouldn't want me to. But I have to stay in We'koqma'q community until I can get my second kidney. And then I would be off.

I know that I got too many enemies in Eskasoni. I know that they've are my childhood bullies and I know that they are from my child addiction to gas. I know that if Eskasoni gets a Mi'kmaq Group Home, I would move back there in a second. I hope that Eskasoni would build their own Mi'kmaq group home and Supported Apartments. The freedom of being on my own is a risky endeavor. I know that I don't have sound of mind to defend myself or strengths to defend my home. But I know that I don't have to let anyone in this place. I know that I could get a good apartment here and live my life here.

I know that I don't have any respect for my past. And I don't have any love or trust to care for myself. Feeling that I've had enough enemies, I know that in Eskasoni I was treated violently and badly. I know that so many people got away with so much. That I didn't have any money for myself.

I know that I gotten ripped off so many times in my time in Eskasoni. And no, I wasn't going to seek revenge. I wanted to get my own budget and home. I know that Rhonda Denny stole right in front of me. My money and my groceries. And so many others too. I know that I couldn't get my own bed frame and have my life happy like that. I know that I couldn't have any cleaning tools or supplies because everyone wanted me to give. Thinking that I owed them money and groceries and everything.

I know that I was malnourished and suffering. I know that I couldn't get any help from anyone because they didn't know how to help. I know that I cannot live by myself because I am vulnerable and weak. Yeah I want to move back on my own but I'm discouraged and deterred to live my life that way. I know there is a lot of problems with me living my life on my own.