The Process of Change

Change can be scary or reality-shifting or paradigm shifting. In a huge way, when you are addicted, it can be very paradigm shifting. The change to sobriety is what I have to learn that reading is an better choice than be bored. 

I know that I've learned so much in my time, so many coping skills and social strategies as a skilled diplomat. I know that I don't have any respect for my life. I know that the big change and move was the change I needed in order to thrive. I know that I'm not thriving on my own but I have support for my goals sometimes. Change of direction and stagnancy is what Mawita'mk Society wants for me. Change can be scary and I know that if I continue to see this paradisiacal place as a good place, I will continue want to stay here.

I know that from years of addictions, being used and mistreated over the years. I've appreciated the fact that I had a friend like Rob Shipley.

But I appreciate even more Mawita'mk Society because they didn't come with a price. I know that I'm not allowed to figure out my changes in the future. But I know that I'm happy at Mawita'mk Society because they feed me well, inform me well and keep me healthy. I know a good thing when I see it. But I want to become a graduate of a BA degree, NSCC Plumbing Certificate and get my full driver's license. I want my second kidney, my physical fitness and my walking endurance back. I want to get used of walking around We'koqma'q community because I want to have everything I need to live my life here.

But like I said changes can be scary and I know that I've been living at Mawita'mk Society for eleven long years. Eleven long happy years. I know that I don't have the best motivation right now. And I don't have the luxury of making muscles. But I do have a bench, weights, curling bar, stationary bike.

I know that I want to get used of using them for my physical fitness until I can get my muscular fitness. I want to be lean and make me have a good muscular fitness. I want to move when I do get far in getting my second kidney, full driver's license, graduate from Cape Breton University and Nova Scotia Community College. And get my own car. I want to have everything I need to live my life in a good way.

I want motivation, workethic and self-dedication to commit to my workouts and walking. I want to have everything I need to live a good life in We'koqma'q community. 

Where I have my physical fitness, full driver's license, BA degree, NSCC Plumbing Certificate and my second kidney. I want to have everything I need to work, live and drive. And I want my own walking endurance back. Languishing at Mawita'mk Society because of certain comfort levels.

I want to have a certain comfort level where I do feel motivated, determined and strong enough to actually feel wonts and do the endeavors. I want to make my bed, I want to have a bath and I want to do all this on my own, in the mornings and every day of my life. I want to exercise, do my chores and make my bed. And draw a bath all on my own. Because it would mean I'm motivated to do stuff and get my own gears running.

I know that I've done it on my own before and Connie doesn't want to admit that. I know that I've done it on my own because I have memories of my past. And I know when I've done something. I know that it would kill Connie to admit that I don't need her. And I know that because I'm insane she is using ableism to that effect. Mawita'mk Society just wants me to obey instead of doing my things for myself. They need to feel good about criticizing me.

But Connie is good in her own way. I know that if I obey her I would get things done quicker. I know that I want to start doing things on my own. Like do chores around the house and get used of pitching in. While I am on dialysis, I want to prove my independence and freedom to choose to be healthy, good and strong. I know that Mawita'mk Staff don't want me to learn these life skills. I know that I've had something of a good home over the years. But I know that I had to get rid of my paranoia.

Earning trust means that you got to be here. And doing the job. I was bullied over the years living here because I was the new guy. I know that I hadn't anything safe and sound. I know that I never had privacy or safety at Mawita'mk Society because they wouldn't intervene when Clyde or Vickie bullied me. Especially Darren. I know that this staff member doesn't want me protected.

I was victimized in Eskasoni for so long that I am being taken advantage of by staff members. I know that I don't have protection at Mawita'mk Society because I am a victim. I know that Mawita'mk Society doesn't know how to handle victims. And I know that they don't want me to accept my life is mediocre. I know that I could do more with my life. And I know that they've hadn't provided protection for me. I had to accept this mediocre life of living with my psychological abusers.

The bullying issues wasn't solved. And I couldn't really explain what was happening because most of it needed a someone skilled in psychology. I know that I was mistreated by Vickie and most of the workers. And I know that I never had any Freedoms or liberty to do what I wanted to do. And the Incident Report is a joke because I couldn't really get any domestic justice here. They don't trust me but I have to trust them, right?

That seem like a double-edge knife. And I know that my family wants me trapped here and stuck. They rather have me bullied than to live in peace. I know that I'm picked on by the workers with harsh criticism. It's almost tirading and I do want to move out because of these reasons. I'm stuck here without help with bullyings. And I don't have any justice or fair treatments by residents like Clyde and Vickie.

Yes! I have all my stuff here but I know how to move. I just got to say the word and I'm out of here. So, I thought so. It's close to impossible to move out of here without family approvals. I cannot live here without anyone vouching for me and I cannot move out of here freely. Believe me, I'd tried. I don't have any explanations on how they were bullying me other than mistreatments. I know that they have focused on my pains and wanted me to simply take it.

I know that they've wanted me to stop with the victim thing. Especially Darren who never had a tough life. Only losses and couldn't possibly empathize or understand me. I even think he hates me. But I know that I'm not his favorite. I know that I wanted to move out because I never had any choices. This want to live my life on my own is killing me. And I know that I cannot verbally report because they don't take my word for it. I haven't amount to nothing and I don't have any careers worthwhile mentioning.

I don't have my full driver's license and BA degree. I don't have any physical fitness or a second kidney. I was a child addict that have went through multiple traumas over the years. And I turned into a teen addict to compensate for the losses. I couldn't really have my own bookcases but I had my Playstation 1 console. I know that was the first game console I had on my own.

I know that right now I'm psycho-sexually oppressed by Vickie. And I'm stuck at Mawita'mk Society because I cannot get any justice whatsoever. I know that Clyde does his subtle indicators to tell me to do stuff like I'm an abused victim of his, to let him do stuff. Clyde believes I owe him when in fact he owes me over the years. For stealing my tobacco and tubes, for coffee money and cigarette money. And for invading my privacy.

The thing about psychological abuses, you cannot see it happening. Or maybe they choose to ignore it. Either way I don't get any justice for anything. He doesn't pay back nor helps out. And I know that I've been a victim too many times. I know that I'm stuck here because I don't have any car or full driver's license. I'm not really liked by anyone in this place. I would've had job experiences to galore. And I would've had my full driver's license and BA degree.

But apparently I have to wait until I can get my second kidney. I don't want to be malnourished in Eskasoni. I want to be thriving on my own. But I don't want to be declining. I know that Darren doesn't have to protect me and I realize that I need muscles. I know that I'm not really respected, liked or if I am liked it's because I'm weak. That's all they would remind me of with their presence. I know that I don't have any trust in my life because these new workers have to earn my trust. I know that Rosie don't believe what is on paper. And I don't have any credibility to my name to thrive on my own. I am heavily criticized and damned.

Over the years, when Clyde felt like it. I was bullied and bothered. I know that they have certainly proven themselves overpowering of this Mawita'mk Society because nobody have solved this. Considering that I forgot Connie has solved this.

I feel that I've mentioned the history that is supposed to be there. I know that I never had any respect whatsoever. And I know that I'm on dialysis. Hoping to get a second kidney and my full driver's license. I hope that I could be fit for that at least. I know that I could manage my money through online account with RBC and I know that it doesn't take that much to deposit money into my bank account.

I know that I could make more money on my own and try to do this independently. I do want to thrive on my own. Thriving means to develop personally on my own. And to flourish in a Adult environment. I know that I hadn't any good reasons to move out lately. And I want to get my full driver's license and car. But I got to get my full driver's license and job before I get a car. I hope that I could save up money here, to get enough savings in my account to buy my own car.

The stages of change can be scary steps to take on my own. I don't have any lover or future lover. I have nobody rooting for me to become independent. And to thrive on my own.