The Reality of a Indigenous Paranoid Schizophrenic

People took advantage of me all my life. I did not have employment opportunities, I did not have encouragement to work. I was heavily criticized and damned. I know that I had to work with the criticism because my stepfather wanted me tiraded. I know that I was addicted because of my family losses and tragedies. And I know that I couldn't really live my life to the fullest potentials of my abilities. Because they wanted controllability. They wanted damage controls and wanted me to fail and become tough with coping skills. To be the perfect or ideal target.

I was a child addict learning that I was helpless in life. I'd learned emotional intelligence through culture, the non-toxic people and the family willing to guide me to the Lord. I have a rich emotional heritage in Eskasoni, Paq'tnkek, Chapel Island and We'koqma'q. But I have faced, over the years, discriminations and favoritism.

I was left out of the circles of nepotism and favors. I never had any jobs given and I never had any connections. I know that I always had to earn my way to work. Yes, I had some kind of job experiences over the years. Spending my money on books, groceries and clothes, shoes and cleaning tools. I haven't grown enough quality time with my real father's family to create a bond to get my full driver's license. And I do not have the step family helping me out. My mom's family isn't going to help out without a price. And I cannot rely on my childhood friends because they haven't amount to anything.

If so, they all would've help out with my driver's license after I was stabilized. I know that I have a lot of enemies wanting me to come out and socialize. I know that they've spread their connection far and wide. But I have gotten out of my hometown and realized that I'd had a good life in We'koqma'q.

I know that the world is bigger then them to manage, hold and control. I know that I want to have everything I need to thrive in We'koqma'q community. Where I have my second kidney and enough healing time to get my life back on track. Those feelings I have described was the past traumas I've healed from. And I know that I had a good psychotherapist. I feel that I want to get my full driver's license but I have to renew my Beginner's license when I have the chance. The mess I've came from was Eskasoni and Sydney. I know that I did not have a remote chance in hell to get everything I need because of transportation barriers.

I don't have We'koqma'q Community to help me out with getting my full driver's license. And I lost Eskasoni to the teeth of my own agony. I know that I want to live my life in a independent, thriving way. Where I have everything I need to thrive in Eskasoni.

I know that I've forgiven certain Eskasonians for their wrongs in my life. And I know that I cannot return because there are too many factors and variables involved in moving back home. I don't have a car in my 30s, 20s or teen. I am not that attractive or successful. I know that I don't have a long career in anything. And I do not have any personal physical prowess, fitness or skills in battle.

I know that I'm not really going anywhere. And in that I'm stuck here because I'm on dialysis. Mawita'mk Society is a good home but I want to live my life on my own. I want my independence. But apparently I don't have any stable mind or a workethic for that matter, to work at my own routines. I know that I got a rich life in We'koqma'q community. More richer than I had in Eskasoni. I know that I don't have my full driver's license but I just need to renew my Beginner's license when I do get a chance.

I have a sober side to me and a dark side to me. Darkness is pretty addictive, seductive, vindictive and destructive. I know that I didn't like what I've become. Learning that kind of child addiction, I was learning about the culture and tradition of my people through Clark. I know that I'd learned things that Clark Paul and Mike Doucette has taught me. And I'd learned about the realities of individuals. What I'd learned was that This Community has been troubled with addictions for a long time.

I know that child addictions was something that I'd experienced in my time. With kind people and with good hearts, I was learning to rely on a homebase. I'd learned to rely on family for guidance and help. Some of my family members was cultural support workers, counselors and I had friends with therapists. I knew that I was learning about their story.

I know that child addiction is my greatest shame. And I know that I never had any connections to jobs because I did not show any skills. I intended on that and I would've shown skills if they told me what it was for. I was a deindividuated, discriminated and disabled nerd that never had any chances at the beauties because I was too busy getting beatdowns. My older brother was trying to help out but me and him kept on getting picked on. Some people helped out but I don't have any professional respect. I still need to earn a little stripes.

I know that I was learning to accept myself in that fashion and do what I needed to do, to improve on my coping skills. I know that I've learned emotional intelligence through relationships and therapy, individual counseling and group counseling. And had a good life in Eskasoni after the troubles subsided.

I know that we'd moved to another house that was more spacious. I was getting my own bedroom. And I had a ton of Star Trek logged in my journal for the teacher, I think. Or my stepfather remembered when I would watch Star Trek: The Next Generation and Batman. I know that he gave me a good life where I'd needed a dictionary and a good understanding of physics, mechanics and building science. My stepfather provided for the building science and the car, van and truck mechanics. I just needed to provide for myself, that my stepfather didn't want me to provide, a bookshelf. I know that I wanted my own collection of books, encyclopedias, printouts, dictionaries.

But I know that I'd watched TV shows with him and asked him questions. I know that he didn't want me to ask too many questions because of such finite answers. Feeling that every holidays we'd celebrated was a good.

Throughout those years I was able to live the proverbial window of Christmas and appreciate my family in an objective standpoint where I wanted to be connected even deeper than simple Christmas. I wanted to be in their lives, inside their minds where I was needed. And I provided answers. So, I researched books I wanted for so long. And I wanted to provide answers for my family on how to make a relationship, make it last and have a good understanding about relationships. I say now Dr. John Gottman is the relationship department. And so are Dr. Tian Dayton, Dr. Marsha Linehan, Dr. Daniel Goleman, Dr. Tara Bennet-Goleman, Dr. Christine Wilding, Dr. Philip Zimbardo and others about relationships, healthy coping skills and a good reasons to employ.

I want to inspire reading and impart wisdom-tradition from Dr. Mitchell D. Ginsberg and others, of Psychology and psycho-spirituality.

Sometimes I wish I was a genuine young, well read genius with an IQ off the charts. I wanted to learn much as I can with reading. I missed some years on reading but I was taught verbally. And I know that my teachers were trying to help out. I know that I did not know how to spell big words like alexithymia or schizophrenia. I know that I couldn't have all the opportunities like some of the other kids because of addictions, sickness and renal problems. I know that my life was filled with certain things that had a lot of missed opportunities, past regrets, past humiliations, past miseries, past traumas and addictions.

I know that I needed help with understanding biology, sociological works and other scientific works. No, I did not have a good foundational education because I wasn't interested at a young age. I know that my step family kept me from my foundational education.

I wanted to learn how to write, read and research at a young age. I wanted literacy, fluency and math. But my stepfather was jealous of me and wanted me to choose a field. I know that I wasn't learning anything. And I know that I had to learn from a dyslexic stepfather who was strict at being smart. I know that I was dyslexic but I was dysfunctional, and that made my stepfather love me more. And my stepfather's family had other ideas to do with me.

I wanted to phonemically become aware of the way words are put together in a healing way. And have a positive impact of light and love for my own collection of books. I know that words can spark the imagination like the Sci-fi world and create a good visual art of work. But I wanted that childhood experience of reading, writing and learning. Yes, I am kind of happy how my life turned out in We'koqma'q.

And yes, I am kind of glad how my stepfather tried to impart his knowledge of skills, trade skills, coping mechanisms and life skills to his yard work, shed-making, deck-making, porch and steps making. And his knowledge of backyard mechanics. My stepfather made his bond with me through his anger, impatience and knowledge. If I do want a car in my teen years, I have to fix it up myself. Through my stepfather I'd learned how to do stuff. And with him, I shared his impatience and anger.

I know that I am his love of a child life. And I know he has so much of his own. I know that he needs to get used of life the hard way. But with his Indian Residential Schools checks, he is investing well. I know that I haven't really gotten full-time status in employment like his career. But I know that I'm still struggling to keep a good sense of joy out of my skills. I know that I just need to refresh my skills.

Through him I'd learned the impatience and anger while doing the job. And through Mawita'mk Society I want to refresh my memory of these skills in a happy, satisfying and rewarding way. I want to have a Mawita'mk Garage and work at different vehicles and ATVs. I want to be active and have everything I need to live my life. I know that I'd enjoyed We'koqma'q One Stop job and I know that I need to be patient, focused and less angry at times.

I know that moments can be changed, a job less worrisome and more focus of exercising the skills. I'd never had any regular schooling or employment in my life. But that didn't stop me from attempting to get a job. Figuring out a rèsumé is something new back in my Eskasoni days. I did not have a portfolio or online portfolio or rèsumè. Nobody wanted to work with me on a rèsumè but the Eskasoni Mental Health Services people.

I know that I'm happy the way my life turned out in We'koqma'q. And hopefully, I can get my second kidney, full driver's license, BA degree and NSCC Plumbing Certificate and Red Seal diploma in plumbing. I want to have everything I need to enjoy my life with a regular profession and have a good long, happy 25-year career in plumbing with couple of degrees and Certificates.

But I am enjoying my time at Mawita'mk Society, watching movies and playing video games. I know that I got tons of stuff to do here and I know that I need to live my life in a more positive, healthy and good way with Mawita'mk Society. I know that listening to the staff and taking the initiatives for them and me is collaborating with them to work at my health. I know that I need to start doing stuff without being asked. And I need to get used of lifelong necessities of life that I need to do. Like bath, wash my hair.

I know that obedience to Mawita'mk life is better than being smelly. I know that I've been through so much and I know that I need to start doing stuff for myself in this life. It's a lifelong duties that we all have, that we all need to do for healthy living. Feeling that I want to accept these lifelong duties, necessities and obligations. I know that I need to work at my own personal hygiene, personal initiatives, personal fitness and a good couple of life skills routines. I know that taking a bath is easy and it's a necessity of a holistic lifestyle. I know that participation of life skills is something every day activities and things to do.

I know that I need to work at accepting all this and believing in my life skills, trade skills and driving skills. I know that I want to have everything I need to be thriving and rich in experience. I know that I've enjoyed my life in We'koqma'q community for this long. 

I know that people don't understand my conditions. And want me to nourish my body with a good fulfilling meals. But I have to manage my renal diet and work through my personal life where I have a good taste for my renal diet, personal hygiene and personal physical fitness. I know that my life has improved greatly over the eleven long happy years I've been here. I know that I have been living with a lot of good technology and electronics. 

I have to be aware of my own renal diet. But Mawita'mk Society is feeding me and they have to learn my renal diet too. I know that I have to obey and collaborate with Mawita'mk Society. It's my health I'm talking about, I have to be interested in my own quality of life. I know that Eskasoni is growing but I cannot be on my own without having my own car, career and credentials. And full driver's license, second kidney and personal motivation and willingness. 

Feeling that my reality has been shaped by other people's experiences and realities. The people that wanted me to simply give is what I have to avoid because I don't have any professional experience in plumbing. I know that I have to learn and work. I know that I need to write about the success and thriving I'd enjoyed in We'koqma'q community. And I have to learn more about psychology.

I know with that apartment experience I have the edge over some people. Feeling like I've done a lot of stuff in my time. I know that I want to have a good life in We'koqma'q with a car. Throughout the seasons I've learned to enjoy myself and, throughout the years I have looked forward to next year every time it comes. 

I know that I got my ALP diploma in 2015, got my trade credential 2016 and since then I was getting credentials over the years. I got my NSCC Nova Scotia Skills Record Certificate 2015, I got my We'koqma'q Adult Essential Skills Enhancement Program Certificate 2018, I got my We'koqma'q Wellness program Certificate 2019, I got my Unama'ki Driving Certificate 2020, I got my NADACA Prevention Online Wellness program Certificate 2021 and I have my Eskasoni Treatment Center Certificate 2010. I know that I need to renew my Beginner's license and continue to drive on. 

I have a good rich life in We'koqma'q community where I have all these credentials hanging on my wall. Feeling like I could get more Certificates, degrees and Diplomas hanging on my wall. I know that I could create a few incomes from Plumbing, Cleaning and Cooking. 

I was an early child addict and I had a breather throughout 8, 9,10 11,12,13 and 14 years old. Until my closest cousin got me back into it with Marijuana and I couldn't really get laid. I know that I never had any real romance or sex. I was learning that I was a nerdy little unattractive, working fool who never had any real opportunities to get my life together. I know that I cannot rely on my step uncles because they are spoiled with power. And I know that I don't typically have support to get my full driver's license. 

I'm the little guy who never gets justice, supports or condolences. I am that kind of little guy who needs his older brother to help out. But he is dead and I know that I got to face that. I am not the favorite or I would've had my full driver's license, car, job and Eskasoni High School diploma. But I never had any chances whatsoever. Nobody wanted me to succeed, thrive or get my full driver's license.