Usurpers of Personal Powers

I know that I've been through a lot and had many usurpers of personal powers in my time. People that have beaten me down and took what they wanted. I know that Mawita'mk Society isn't like that. They help out and say things with finesse and skill. They know how to say things that won't offend me. 

My memory issue and reflex timing is something that I have to consider, when considering driving. I know that I need to have cat-like reflexes and a good memory. Feeling that I've been living with this group home for eleven long happy years, I say that they've earned my trust. But I am an paranoid schizophrenic that is medicated and in a good place.

I have no problems with Mawita'mk Society other than egalitarian ideas. I know that I respect my elders but don't have to respect people that are power-craving at my age. I know that I'm still learning to deal with them.

I haven't forgotten my roots. I know that I have Gangsta rap music, Rock and Roll, Heavy Rap Metal, Heavy Metal and 70s, 80s, 60s, 90s, and 2000s songs to listen to. I know that I have my own collection of music to listen to. 

I have my smartphone YouTube Music app to listen to. I know that I am full of surprises. I have tons of good moments with Ann Marie Powers. I know that I am learning that I have a memory issue, reflex timing issue and everything went slow motion. I am slowly losing my fitness and I'm afraid of that. 

Darlene, Rosie and Ann Marie Powers reminded me of my goals from last year. Feeling that I might be growing accustomed to Mawita'mk life, I feel that I am learning about my limitations while I'm on dialysis.

I know that I'm from Eskasoni originally. I know that I didn't have any respect in that community. I know that I was Public Enemy number 1.

I never was able to graduate from Eskasoni High School or get my driver's license. I couldn't get a job in there. I couldn't rely on friends for rides. And I couldn't enjoy my own apartment because of hometown bullies. I couldn't really enjoy my own place in Eskasoni because drunks or somebody would bother me. Or break into my place, or want something from me. I know that nobody respected me in any fashion or way. I did not have any powers to defend myself. I did not have any reliable rides or friends. I did not have any personal powers over my own place. Especially with  Rob Shipley.

He was the thorn in my side. I know that he was responsible for crimes that had happened under my association. I know that he didn't want me to thrive or succeed in any fashion or way. He was the one who has suckered me in and make him look good. I know that I don't have any friends.

Feeling that I never had any real connections with the community. I couldn't get a hold of a rèsumè or I couldn't network. I was dying in Eskasoni because I was suckered into Rob Shipley's world. I couldn't really get my vengeance or justice from him. I couldn't rely on him for money or good food. I couldn't really rely on him for anything. He did nothing in return for me. Everyone took everything from me and nobody wanted to help out. I know that Rob's world I had to stay at one spot. And I couldn't really live, thrive or have a stable mind. I couldn't really eat without him farting. He was becoming my Jungian archetype. I couldn't pin nothing on him and I couldn't really rely on him.

He reduced me to a malnourished, unstable addict that don't have any job prospects or professions. Until my family stepped in and helped out. That's when I was seeing what was wrong with my life.

Rob was losing his powers and the town punching bag was over. My family saved me and did not want Rob Shipley to interject, interfere or intervene. He was my downfall and I couldn't really rely on anyone in my childhood friends. I know that Rob Shipley wanted me to use my connections to burn. 

And I did not have any groceries or food. The people that took advantage of me was beating me in my own place. Especially when it came to women. I know that I did not have any sex appeal or I knew that I wasn't that attractive. I know that certain women only want me to admit certain things because I'm either stuck or have a home that they could fuck in.

I know that Kevin Jerome Johnson knows his entrance and exits. I know that I couldn't really get my own place in Eskasoni because I had so many childhood enemies. I know that I didn't have any real connections.

Marie K. Joe beat the crap out of me, Kevin took over my home. I couldn't really get a moments rest with all these fucked up addicts wanting to use my own place. Especially when I had to take care of it. Nobody cleaned up after themselves and I couldn't really get my own place tidy, organized or safe. There was no safety, security or protection, I couldn't really have my own place to myself. I know that I wanted Playstation consoles, Computer desktop, laptop, tablet and smartphones. I wanted my own Xbox 360. I wanted my own happy home.

Not until my stepfather and the family stepped in that I finally had a good night rest. I'd moved away from Eskasoni and never returned because I did not have any justice, vengeance or paybacks. I did not get any relief or reliable rides. I did not have any personal powers in my own place. Not until I gotten out of there and moved out.

I know that I have been living with daily nourishments of a really good meals. I got enough respect for a good three meals a day like a good treatment. I gotten my injection every two weeks. I had my ALP education journey and I gotten my Xbox 360. I'd graduated from Adult Learning Program, Construction Trades Labor program and Unama'ki Driving School program. I had a good job but I couldn't stay because this year, 2021 my kidney declined too much that I had to be put on dialysis. And I had a few losses over the years. Spending my time with people that want to spend time with.

It's been a long road out of hell and into a more stable, healthier and holistic lifestyle of Mawita'mk Society. I know that I have a ton of good living here. I have plenty of good memories and a tons of good moments here. I have millions of reasons to live and stay here.

I've been through a lot, accomplished a lot and still going through a lot. I know that I cannot get one love in. And I will never have any lover in my time. I know that I'm a piece of good for nothing. I know that I am not that attractive or successful to get a woman. I know that I'm happy where I'm at but I know that I have mental issues. I cannot remember much as I used to. I cannot get back my emotional sanity because of certain people. I don't have any good reasons to move out because I am on dialysis. I know that I need a good reminders from Mawita'mk Staff.

I know that everyone is a Treaty person, whoever is an ally or Indigenous person. What does it mean to be an Indigenous disabled who cannot get his driver's license because of his reaction time? It is frustrating and in that I don't have any presence of mind to show reflex timing. I know that I have to learn much as I can with driving still.

My aunt Josie has that Personal Care Support Worker Certificate and I know that she could live at Mawita'mk Society. But I know that CCA workers could work at that new Eskasoni long-term care facility they are building. Knowing that I have a family in such services and other services, such as Addiction Services, Mental Health Services and other services that could be useful in the future. I know that I need Mawita'mk Society now more than ever because I'm on dialysis, I have memory issues and reflex timing issues. I know that I'm not that quick and I have to work at it. I know that it's because of "numerous things" they said, that I have remembering issues and reaction timing issues.

Feeling that Mawita'mk Society wants me to hold off on getting my full driver's license. I think sometimes that they are holding me back. I know that I don't have any trust.
But I have to learn much as I can about driving before I can move on to the next stage in my driving. I think that Mawita'mk Society could understand me because I always been held back from what I want to do. My life goals and other things I want to accomplish. I know that schooling and driving are my main goals. I have driven to Sydney and around Sydney. I have went to Port Hawkesbury and driven around there. I have driven back to We'koqma'q community with Unama'ki Driving School. I have driven around We'koqma'q community with Tyson Googoo, Raf and Billie Jean. I have driven a little with my sister Billie Jean.

I've been held back so many times in my life. I'm tired of living this way. I want my full driver's license and BA degree. I want to enjoy a good drive by myself. And have my dues paid and paid. I know that I don't have any careers in my life because of Covid-19.

Because of my old Transplant kidney gave out. And because I didn't have any, when I had my transplant, to give me driving lessons. To let me drive their car or SUV or something. I know that many people left me deindividuated, discriminated and disabled. I cannot have my own way at all. Because if I had my way I would've had a job, my graduations and my full driver's license. That's my way.

But I usually don't get my way because I don't get any respect. I am not a human, I am an animal and deserved to be shot. I am nothing more but an ignorant animal that cannot learn or do. That's how my stepfather sees me. And I know that is one way I could see. That's the same way with my real father too. I cannot learn.....

I am a genuine freak of nature with my Thoracic Jeune of Distrophy and other things wrong with me. I don't have any rights, in my stepfather's eyes, to learn the truths and heavy burdens of my own life. I cannot learn to handle such things because I am something to be pitied on.

But I've seen how their loves have protected me over the years. I have learned, in their graces of love and glory, how I might be the screw-up. They gently laid down the laws and helped me in many ways. Yes! I see that but I wanted my full driver's license and BA degree. I wanted to get everything I need to drive out of here and live my life how I see fit. But I see their loves and compassion for me. But I also see their selfishness in keeping me in a limbo of dependency and stagnancy for them.

I know that I have to escape that and live my life how I see fit. I've done it for 10 years of my twenties. And I was just learning to accept my mind as a diagnosed person. I know that I have tons of reasons to live with Mawita'mk Society but I know that I want to outgrow Mawita'mk Society, in a good sense that I leave on my terms. And have my dues paid and bought for in We'koqma'q community.