Changes

There are life changes, in life changes, small changes and good changes. Mawita'mk Society has been supporting me in my goals to have a holistic elevation of health, education, driving and fitness. They have been teaching me my disabilities. And I know that I'm tired and exhausted. I just want to curl up in bed and sleep. But changes have occurred. I have been thinking of changes over the years. There have been many changes over the twelve years I've been here. Some changes I didn't want like lessening the desire to move back home. I know that I have a lot of healthy changes over the years.

I have regained my weight. I have got my education, trade and I am a Certified driver, with an expired Beginner's license and a few credentials to my name. There have been a lot of changes, positive influence and good company over the years. I know that I had a bunch of memorable experiences here.

I know that most of my happy memories is because of Mawita'mk Society and family. I've changed for the better. I have gotten my Adult High School Graduation diploma, I got my NSCC Construction Trades Labor program Certificate of Accomplishment. I know that through all that happiness I had bullies who wanted me to be a pushover. I felt that I couldn't maintain a good friendship at all with certain people here. But it seems that I'm disabled and broke, I don't have any job prospects in my future without Mawita'mk Society's approval. I know that I want to rest and take it easy for a while. At least until I get my second transplant kidney. Even then I'm planning to take a rest for a while.

Now I'm enjoying music. People want me weak, docile and a pacifist. I have too many enemies to consider that I am a monster. I know that I had the correct thinking but I know my homey darken emotional sanity.

A criminal mind looking into innocence. And learning through independence that I am a disabled person. I cannot go without my injection. Yes, I have a beast inside but I need to focus it into a lean, mean muscles machine. I know that I have been collecting pop bottles for Tully and doing yard work for family for a while in Eskasoni. It has been 7 years, maybe I should get certified in landscaping, in Cape Breton. With a few First Nation communities I've been in, I could've enjoyed my dad's pop bottles business, or have my aunts could've gotten involved in that business. And landscaped for them. I could've enjoyed a good life in Paq'tnkek community. I know that I have a large family in the Jown family.

Throughout the years there have been a lot of changes. My facial expression, my ups and downs in weight, my pop bottles job, my family landscaping business, my level of education, my home situation.

I know that I have been living at Mawita'mk Society with a lot of changes. Throughout the twelve years I've been here I have graduated from couple of NSCC Community College programs, We'koqma'q community programs, Eskasoni online programming and have a NSCC Nova Scotia Skills Record Certificate. I am a Certified driver with an expired Beginner's license. I know that I need to live my life with certain things. Right now I could be making money with driving people with that Supermarket SUV. I know that I could work that but I would want my full driver's license.

I know that nobody wants me to have a caliber of skills and expertise, work and professionalism in my service as a Pipe Specialist with a BA degree, full driver's license and truck. I know that I had a few doubt sayers and I know that I had a fee people tell me they don't want me to move.

The calibre of my poetry skills is not well published. I hadn't tried a publication yet. I have no way of telling the caliber of my poetics, poetry skills and depth of my knowledge. I know that I have to learn to live with being unpublished because I could afford to live in We'koqma'q community. I know that I want to have a NSCC Plumbing Certificate from NSCC Marconi Campus. I want to drive there every morning with my own truck I have purchased by working for We'koqma'q Tim Hortons. I have some kind of caliber of past works but I know that I want to be well immersed, educated and trained in NSCC Plumbing Certificate program.

I want three years of NSCC trade school because I want NSCC Plumbing Certificate and NSCC Pipe Trade diploma programs. I want to be a excellent graduate of these programs and use all of my calibre in computers, apps and literacy.

I know that my real dad knows I've made money. I know that my paranoid schizophrenia could creatively come up with scenarios that wouldn't make sense to some people. I know that bullies here don't see themselves. I'm talking about bullies that assault and beat ya. I know that I had some people tell me that I need to respect them. I know that I will eventually go through assaults and bullying that would make me rue the day I've existed. I just want to be left alone. I know that there are too many beautiful women that spend their time with bullies in Mi'kmaq culture. They don't want to meet anyone nice.

It's alright I could be happy with masturbation. I know that there are held-hand devices for men. I know that I could live a rich and fulfilling life with porn and those held-hand devices. I'm not sexually active here. I know that most women here find me ugly.

The calibre of my coping skills would astonish people with my level of compassion, anger and empathy. I know that I have been learning my place in this world. And I'm not meant for female loving. I've lived a good/horrible life of tragedies, losses, pains and decline, and addictions. I've sawn the many darkness and I got no women out of it. I had men rapist but I did not have any women lover out of it. I was malnourished, in decline of my health, falling apart and not suitable for love because I had to many enemies.

I have a sedulous image in ways. I have been known to have a backbone. I know that my pride has been attacked many times. I have been sedulous care of Mawita'mk Society. I know that I have been assiduous, studious and sedulous. I know that I have used my time wisely here and aptly want to return with professional Certificates, diplomas and degrees, licenses and truck.

My real father came to pick me up back in 2007. I didn't like the fact that he forced me to go with him to Shubenacadie back in 2007. But he wanted to simply control my life in ways where I couldn't necessarily defend, protect or work for myself. I know that Vincent Syliboy senior wanted me to live with him so he could physically assault me in ways, rude phone calls and have his way. All I ever received from him was rudeness, insults and assaults at the time. I couldn't really keep my money and I couldn't really enjoy myself in Shubenacadie. All we ever did was butt heads and I wasn't allowed to express myself.

All I will remember as the selfish bastard that he is, was and that will ever be. I know that he dies respect me for an adult. He has taken Mr movies one time ago, which I will pay back and crashed the car because he assaulted me while driving out. He doesn't deserve that because he hasn't no rights over that.

He is bossy, selfish and rude. The most selfish man I ever met. All I will ever remember as the dude I had issues with. I know that I have issues with this guy. After he passes, I'm going to be swearing him off at his grave. But as long as I could go therapy I could have my standing in coping with the guy. Maybe there is some humor behind his rude phone calls. If I am to have his house I hope that I could make it homey with therapeutic items for psycho-spirituality. And therapeutic for me physical through fitness and technology.

I could get into supportive therapy, psycho-spirituality and culture. I know that I got books on coping and psychology, tradition-wisdom and other psychological works. I know that everything I have learned at Mawita'mk Society I will take with me to Eskasoni. And everywhere with me. I know that I have Spice It Up! Renal diet booklets.

I have a good collection of it somewhere. I know that Ann Marie Powers has them. I know that Mawita'mk Society, for the time being, is a good place to be. It's been a few years since I could think of a good entry. But a,lot have changed since 2010. I know that I had my mind inverted and my beliefs messed with. I know that Mawita'mk Society wants me to be self-supported and self-automatic in life skills habits and routines. But I have a few good things to say about Mawita'mk.

They are a good group home because they have support staff that is willing to talk with me. I know what it's like to have a good father because of my stepfather. He has been pretty good to me over the years I have been living with him. He has provided for me a skills set and means to make money. He has showed me plumbing, laboring, landscaping and pop bottles. He has showed me building techniques, mechanics and assembling.

He has given me money for the work I've done with him. I know that he would vouch for me if it meant I could make a good living off of it. He has in the past but I was dealing with a problem. Now Mawita'mk Society is providing a good home for me. I know that they don't socially abuse me, domestically abuse me, physically assault me or dominate me in any way or fashion. I know that he has given me nothing but loving treatments over the years. I know he loves me.

But my other father doesn't believe in rehabilitation. I know that I have to fight teeth and nail to get some kind of respectability for my independence and freedom from him. I know that he doesn't care unless it serves his purpose. I feel that I have to protect myself around him. He doesn't acknowledge we have issues and doesn't want to feel bad about it. 

My issues with him dates back to my birth. He is an abuser to my biological mother.
So I have to cope, emotionally regulate and forgive my real father. I know that I don't have any love for this right now guy because he has been living his life without me. He bought me cheap gifts when he came to visit which was his stockings. Or his other son's stockings. But he is my birth father and he wanted to control my finances and everything. 

I know that he is a controlling freak who likes to dominate and tell me what to do. He is trying to work off the fact that he is my birth father. But he is abusive and wants my baby sister. I don't trust the guy and I wouldn't mind out of here because I have fears of a tall, fat gay man who is after me. And bullies and then my birth father who wants my sister. They will be after me and I know that I won't have any respect from them.

He must think he is trying to keep me company when I don't need it. I am used of solitude and I have learned being alone skills.

How to keep myself occupied through pastimes like reading, playing video games and watching movies, and listening to music. I know how to entertain myself because I am self-contained. I enjoy myself with or without anyone. I know that I have a good understanding of life skills, coping skills and social strategies. I know how to navigate through my own life. I know that my real father doesn't understand, respect or gives me my alone time. He thinks I'm all his when I'm partly my biological mother's genes too. 

I've learned from my biological mother the emotional intelligence, emotional literacy and emotional regulation. I know that I could enjoy myself alone.

But my real father doesn't seem to understand that I need to be called on occasions. Not on a regular basis. I cannot even stand my stepfather's bidding for attention. Let alone a good time with people.

I am still understanding him. I still growing up mentally, emotionally and intellectually. I know that I have a good thing going with Mawita'mk Society but I feel that I have something to do in Eskasoni. I know that I have family there. And I know that I could work for friends. 

But I know that oh how I feel will pass. And I know that I could have a better life in We'koqma'q community. Even though I miss living in Eskasoni I know that I have a good life in Eskasoni. Eskasoni is better than Shubenacadie. I know that for sure.