Clashes of the Fathers

My dads don't like any of my books but I feel that I have to square off with them, for doing stuff on my own . Especially after I have learned, recuperated, and recovered from my malnourishment, addictions and discriminations. I don't need any prompts because I know that I have to self-motivate, self-start and self-prompt but I feel that I could pep talk to myself to do stuff. But my fathers tend to clash with each other. I know that their teachings are totally different and they both have different styles of fatherhood. I'm just used of my stepfather's family house and his teachings.

They don't clash physically but with me. They don't like each other through me because I've had too many bad experiences with my real father. I know that we butt heads and I don't like him because he has assaulted me in the past. He has gotten away with it the same as Dodo, my stepfather's brother.

I know that I was taught not to defend myself for any good reasons against the family. Family could be toxic too, and I know that I don't have any respect from anyone of them for my independence and freedom. I know that they've given me a good life but they reaped what they sown from my past. I know that I don't get to live my life how I see fit because I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I know that independence is lessen and so is my sense of independence. My motives for independence and adulthood has changed because I am stuck at Mawita'mk Society until I can get a second transplant kidney.

The barriers I've faced alone, the damages and hurt. The theft and the seriousness of abuses. I know that I was mistreated in many ways and I know I'd faced many barriers alone in my hometown. My fathers didn't want me to get ahead without their approval.

Like I wasn't used of a pay. I had a few jobs now and I know that I've done odd jobs almost as a career. I know that my family has taught me a lot. All my real father reminds me of is traumas he caused. He crashed a car coming out of the movie theater before he punched me straight in the face. He only reminds me of dark days and bad experiences. I don't want to deal with him anymore. Cut my losses and move on, that's what I need to do. Move on.

Every time he calls he reminds me of traumas. I know that he hasn't any therapeutic skills or procedural memory. He is forgetful and I don't want to insult but he has assaulted me in 2007. I still remember those acts where he was controlling my Financials and budget for his weed. I know that he hasn't really wanted me thriving but dependent and lost. He didn't want to help out with my driver's license or work.

I know that he hasn't no patience or tolerance for anyone. He has no respect for human rights for me. I know that I've endured the repression and oppressionism. I know that he hadn't really enjoyed my independence and freedom. Because he would've left me alone. But I do know that he has no good memory to deal with me. So I have to be patient and kind. My real father punched me while driving out of the movies and crashed the car. That's double the pains and I know it hurt me more because it's traumas. Double the impacts of intergenerational issues with family.

The intergenerational issues and cycle of addictions is just some of the darkness he reminds me of. Hopefully, I could enjoy my days without him because he hasn't taken the time to listen to how I feel. He wants my sister, he wants me under his influence and wants my money. He is selfish and my aunties don't do a thing with him.
I know that I find him abrasive and abusive. 

And I find him controlling where he doesn't deserve it. I know that he hadn't any respectability for me because all he will ever remind me of is those traumas I don't want to get over. I know that traumas take a while to get over. He hasn't created any new memories but new reminders for me. I don't want to be rough on him but he hasn't showed me any respect or love. He wants me to be indebt to him because he wants choices badly. I will give him choices. You don't follow my rules I will have to have a chat with you about the traumas that you cause and remind me of.

I know that I hadn't any respect for the beginning. And I know that he doesn't want me to thrive or have a backbone against him. I know that I feel angry and I don't want to deal with him anymore because he reminds me of traumas, addictions and bad influence.

I have to have a backbone against him because he hasn't showed any remorse or taken any accountability or responsibility for his actions. He just reminds me of the bad experiences I had with him. I had live and enjoy my time without him. I know that I could do that again. He is in my life and all he ever reminded of is bad experiences with him. He has beaten me before and I know that is child abuse. I know that he hasn't apologized or even acknowledged those wrongs in the past.

I know how trauma works in ways. I know that it will take a while to heal, forgive and move on. It doesn't come that quickly. I know that trauma has to be recognized, therapize and worked and rehashed. I know that I'd need to accept the fact and move on but I keep getting reminded every time he is bossy. I don't like the fact of being reminded because it makes me rebellious.

But I have to have patience and love for this guy. Even though he was a complete stranger in ways. He kept up with stockings and gifts and money for a little while. But then he came in 2020, bearing gifts and money for my account. My dad don't have any control over my bills or money, he doesn't have to give me money. I know that I could earn a good small amounts of monies over the years. I know that I've could earn a good Tax Refund from employment. I just got to wait until I can get my second transplant kidney. And than go back to work with a different job. I know that I have been tormented and abused but that's the intergenerational issues of my people today.

Trying to stop the cycle of abuses and addictions. I know that I have exercised: 30 repetitions with the dumbbells, 30 repetitions with the curling bar and 3:04 minutes with my cycling bike.

I know that it staves of depression, being active in the Ni'kinen house. I know that I have a good support staff who wants me to get in shape. And a family that wants me to use my weights and stationary cycling bike well. They want me to get in shape and stave off laziness and vapidity. My weights stave off insipidity, cabin fever and anxiety. I know that if I could grow accustomed to using my weights and exercise equipment. I could get into shape and build muscles.

I have to commit to a regimen of fitness or exercises in the house. I know that I have a good self-motivation now. My motives is to feel those vitality, vibrancy and zest for life in the house. I know that I have a good understanding of fitness. And I want more deeper understanding of fitness, nutrition and health. I did 12 repetitions with my handheld grips. I know that I have all the reasons to exercise, all the motives and purposes.

I just have to exercise. Of course I hadn't wrote my reasons and motives down in this blog. But I see that fitness could alleviate my traumas. I ain't diabetic but I have to take it easy on the sweets. They are fattening. I am on dialysis too, so that means it's possible that I could get diabetes. I know that I'm committing to this with the support staff involving. I'm asking for support from Mawita'mk Staff and hopefully, get in shape and tone it down with the sweets. I know that I need my coffee in the morning, so that means I have to go through drive thru.

I have to get used exercising in homes. I know that I would've loved the gym but home gym is better because of Covid-19 cases. I know that I could entertain myself, keep myself nourished and fit. And have a cleaned and well groomed body. I know that is what my family wants a healthy, fit and strong, well fed person.

I know that soul food is well prepared and in that I have suffered a few malnourishment periods in my younger years. It would be torments if I was well fed. And I know that I had a good time in Eskasoni but I would lose out on eating. I know that my stepfather wasn't perfect but I know that my stepuncle was worst. I couldn't really get my trade specialization in NSCC, Nova Scotia Apprenticeship Agency and serving the community. I want to be twice graduated from NSCC Plumbing Certificate program and NSCC Pipe Trade diploma program. I want to have a 4-years Apprenticeship career with We'koqma'q community. Before I do move to Halifax.

I have to value my independence because both of my fathers agree to keep me here. I know that they don't want me to enjoy my independence because I am their son. And they conflict with the facts of my life.
I know that I take pride in my independence and freedom because I am a guy. I need to be strong enough to live my life. Not be unhealthy but rather learn about my hometown, my deeper interests in my own fitness, health and self-care. I know that I have too many enemies to move back home. 

And in that I have no way to protect myself well in Eskasoni. I know that I want to be strong and have my old apartment back in 74th street. Because I could build a large shed on the side of it and put either exercise equipments in there or Spacemaker Washer and Dryer. If I do organize my life and work at schooling while I do get my full driver's license. I hope that I could get a delivery and drop-off job part-time like the weekends.

And work the trade for my own benefits. My fathers don't want me hurt, going through bad experiences and malnourishment periods. I want my life perfectly well adjusted.

I want to be used of having a schedule full of appointments, apprenticeships and outings. I want to do so much in my life that I could a graduate of NSCC Plumbing Certificate program, NSCC Pipe Trade diploma program and Cape Breton University Bachelor of Arts program. I know that I want to be well trained, well educated, well taught and well informed by all these institutions. So, three credentials I want to hang on my wall of credentials and licenses. 

I know that those are my happy thoughts. Thinking about my plans for future trade. Possible jobs I could get. I know that I have learned everything I need to, to live a good life in We'koqma'q community. I have Spice It Up! Booklets and I know which grocery list to get. Now only if there was a renal friendly food app I could really use. That would be icing on the cake. 

I know that I'm cabin fever and thinking too much. My past could use a good analysis. I feel that I've learned emotional literacy through my stepfather. But I'm lost to him and he doesn't want to fish me out. I know that I'm happy where I'm at now. But soon I would outgrow Mawita'mk Society or simply add better things to my Mawita'mk life. I know that I would want to get my NSCC Plumbing Certificate and Red Seal papers in that. In the five years I have a good career out of it. I would go for my NSCC Pipe Trade diploma. And get two Red Seals out of that.

All the possibilities of getting my second transplant kidney is exciting. I know that I would go to back to work first. Get my job at We'koqma'q Tim Hortons and save up for a truck. Work on my own transportation barriers and get my full driver's license since I'm a certified driver. 

I could be a delivery professional driver or a taxi if I could pass the driver's training. And get my taxi driver's license and my regular, full driver's license. I want to be the Pipe Specialist who is a taxi or delivery service with my truck. I want to work two jobs in my life.