Destined To Be Alone

This place is too damn strict. It seems that they gang up on me because I'm diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I have no one to help me out. I cannot criticized the staff, Mawita'mk Society or residents. It is always supposed to be happy-go-lucky and I know that they want to keep me here because they don't doubt their ability to take care of me. A brand new low I've reached and it seem that nobody wants me to have choices. They want me destined to be alone. I feel that every one of them think that they are better than me. I know that I want to have everything I need to live my life in Eskasoni. But they don't want me to leave on bad terms.

So I think that they are trying to help me out with my weight lost. I know that I'm well fed three meals a day. And have three snacks a day. Yesterday I had French toast breakfast time. And boiled lunch and dinner Mac and Cheese. I love this place.

I have good times at Mawita'mk Society. Some friction and some attitude. But I know that if I don't want it too damn bad, I have to outgrow Mawita'mk Society by being more independent. Taking pride in what I've been reminded of by Mawita'mk Society. I know that I had a small career in Eskasoni. I know that I've done six weeks job that helped me to geta real full-time employment. I know that I had a permanent part-time employment in We'koqma'q One Stop and I was going to reach full-time employment. But I was sluggish and tired. I know that I wanted to have my days with this store.

If I did that pop bottles picking for a week at a time. I would've been learning duty and self-discipline in my life. I would've learned habits and routines. I know that I did it when I needed for sugar or smokes. And I know that I had my life in independence and freedom where I could create a daily routine of pop bottles self-employment.

I know that I could move back but with a good amount of jobs and education. I know that I could get a good job either with my expired Beginner's license because I am a Certified driver. I know that I have a good understanding of driving, trade and stages of my life milestones. I know that I have been living in a good way. Empowerment is learning self-respect and learning knowledge and skills in Trades. Houses being built, I could get s good amount of hours of Apprenticeship. Bur I'm on dialysis and I have to be patient with everything in my life. I've postponed my education goals, driving goals and employment opportunities.

I know that I have a good life but I know that every time I say certain things. Mawita'mk Society responds in ways. I know that I had to defend myself and struggle to make my case because certain workers don't want to listen. The acts of attritions I know they won't listen.

I know that my paranoid mind is trading war stories for a good meal, three times a day. And I know that I have done enough to tell of my childhood addiction. I know that I never had any chances to tell my story. I feel that with my mind inverted, I feel like I am not realizing what I truly feel. Nobody cares for that because I know that they are simply interested in the story. Self-confident, I know that I could correct my thinking and build my self-defenses. Mentally I'm stuck with Mawita'mk Society but I know that once I'm emancipated I could get my ass hustling. But with this Covid-19 pandemic it seems that nothing is safe.

I used to remember when I used to do odd jobs and cleaning for my family. As well lawn maintenance and landscaping. I know that I had no Facebook or temptations to write about the negativity. I know that now I have everything I need to be updated.

I've had a good reason to come on here and write about all the hard work I've done. I know that I had a good pop bottles picking over the years. I feel that is how I made my money for a good way. My incomes was odd jobs, handyman work, pop bottles picking and other skills that I had like lawn maintenance work. I know that now I'm a Certified Skilled Trades Laborer.

But with my cousin Ray I used to do lawn maintenance, landscaping, building, installing, plumbing, cleaning, repairing and assembling. I used to have a lot of things with my stepfather. Have a good understanding of doing stuff. And my cousin Ray used to ask me for cigarettes. But I know that I had Napster and his computer. So, I would enjoy his music. I know that I used to have a good job with my stepfather. I couldve had a good business with other neighbors. And have a good income while under welfare.

I know that I had tons of experience with work. I feel that I could learn all that and do some chores for twenty bucks. I know that I used to live through Eskasoni Welfare and I used to be poor as fuck. I know that I used to have money for cleaning tools. And I was still poor. Trades didn't do shit for me until I became a professional. Still Trades hadn't any respectability for me. I know that I used to live in Eskasoni and my mind was repressed, suppressed and oppressed. I know that I couldn't really get my Original Playstation console until I moved here.

Now I just got to send my rèsumè in with a cover letter. And I will be all set. Thanks to Mawita'mk Society I am educated, trained and Certified in laboring, driving and ALP. I know that I want to move back home because I know that I could get a good job. I feel that here I'm enrichen.

I know that I cannot trust anyone because they don't trust me. I know that my darken emotional sanity is inverted. I feel that I wanted to say everything I need to, to heal and recover. But my uncle didn't let me because he wanted me worst than him. He wanted me to go down the hill. I know that I was close enough to feel like I've endured a lot. My stepuncle wanted me to live my life without justice or vengeance.

I know that I was held back because of all that. I know that he wanted to get away with hitting me throughout my teen years, my twenties too. I know that he hasn't apologized yet and I know that I'm not emotionally connected. I know that they don't want me to tell the difference. Because they all want to get away. I feel insulted because I have no way back. And I know that they are working to get rid of my will to live. I know that I will never get justice.

Have my justice and darken emotional sanity. I know that everyone wants the rights over me. I could feel it. I know it. I could tell that they want rights over me. I feel like I had to break the law to do something with my life. I feel less of a man for the acts I've done. And I know that nobody wants me to feel empowered because my stepuncle has powers over me. I know that I couldn't maintain my health because so many wanted my attention. I know that I wasn't really left alone because I know that I never had rights over my own place while in Eskasoni.

I know that today I am bossed around by the workers. Because they enforced rules and regulations, I know that I cannot get a lady in my bedroom. I know that I cannot get laid yet. I have no incomes or vehicles. I know that I'm poor as fuck and don't have any sort of job now. I know that I'm an educated Virgo tradesman and Certified driver.

I want to be serving the community my way. I want to be a Pipe Specialist with a BA degree and full driver's license because I'm a tradesman that is a Certified driver with an expired Beginner's license. I know that I had a lot of good reasons to get my credentials. Proof that I was productive and thriving in We'koqma'q community. I know that I want to be, either a Journeyman Plumber or Pipe Specialist. I feel that I have a lot of choices with colleges and universities. But I need that second transplant kidney.

I know that I cannot get a job in this Covid-19 pandemic. I have compromised immune system because I am a former transplant kidney patient. Now I'm on dialysis and have to hope for the best. I know that I had been on here for a year and I know that I want to get on the Transplant kidney list. Hopefully, I can because there is so much living I want to do. 

I have to take my own destiny and take control of it. I know that living is a chore for me. I don't necessary like to do chores. But it seems that everyone wants to get to know me. I know what I'm doing, getting all my abusers. But apparently I have no evidence of it.