Not Enough

I know that I want to get my second transplant kidney so that way I could get my full driver's license, job and online credentials. I hope that I could get back to the swing of things. I had two days of exercising and now I'm sore. I wonder how I'll do today. This morning I had dialysis and that tires me right out. But if I have coffee before I get home. I would have the energy. Besides lifting weights and cycling is a good way to exercise for two days. I know that I could get weights off of my Christmas bonus because it's $300.

Every day I gotta commit to this. I have to work out for a week and continue on that path until I can grow some muscles. And get into shape. Its not enough to have a happy life, I need to do something with my life in order to feel that pride in doing it. Accomplish exercising goals and having my life better in ways. I want to get a good momentum of fitness going for me.

I feel that I don't need to rely on my real father. I know that I could get my Christmas bonus and spend it on myself because I know that I have weights. But I want that Berter case of weights. My Christmas bonus comes in the Mawita'mk mail. And I know that Rosie or Darlene gets the mail. I could keep the check and have everything I need now.

Today I did 7 curls with the dumbbells, seating and then standing. And 25 curls with the curling bar. And did 3:47 minutes on my stationary bike. I know that Mawita'mk Society wants me to get in shape because I could feel their encouragements. I know that I want to be self-motivated but I have the energy of motivation from my staff people. I know that I have a lot of good support staff and I have a family that wants me to get in shape. I know that today was a good day and I had lunch. Which was boiled dinner. I know that I like this place.

I feel enriched with stuff, educational accomplishments and graduations from NSCC Community College. I know that NSCC has provided a good place of learning and doing my school work. I know that they've provided a good trade program which was called NSCC Construction Trades Labor program. It helped me realized the difference between Handyman and professional tradesman. My family, the Morrison, Jown, Syliboy and Doucette. I feel like I have a good support system there. I know that here I don't have any Mawita'mk family. I know that family take precedent in my life. This is just an organization of life skills education, a group home and a good amount of food.

I know that I don't have any friends here. I have support staff and residents. But I don't have any friends. It's my third day from Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. I know that I have to count every Sunday the start.
I know that I am learning to accept my conditions. And learn to live with them. 

Nobody wanted me thriving in Eskasoni because I have too many enemies. Types of enemies are bullies, fiends and addicts that are criminal. Today is Tuesday and I had a good meal. Now I'm just reintroducing myself to the fitness world. And I know that I had the strength to do push-ups, variants of a Standard Push-up. And a good weight-lifting session. I know that I had a lot of good reasons to do my workout routine at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I have a lot of good memories at Mawita'mk Society. I might as well do the exercises I need to do, to stave off insipidity, laziness, vapidity, depression and cabin fever.

I know that my dad loves me, it's just this paranoid schizophrenia that I have to deal with. That father hitting his son thing wasn't made up. He really hit me.

Couple of times in through the course he had me. I know that I didn't deserve it and he wouldn't admit his wrongs with me. I know that I've been struck a few times by him, uncle Dodo and beaten by couple people. I know that I want to get my full driver's license after I get my second transplant kidney. I've suffered and had a lot of sacrifices to live my life. I did not have that much of a childhood or teen years. I couldn't get my full driver's license at 16. I couldn't get my High School Graduation diploma in Eskasoni. Most of my life I've been criticized criminally, through tirades and verbal abuse, that I wasn't good enough. Not enough to live my life in adulthood. I know that 7 years wasn't anything special.

I feel that, now I could be even more enrichen with life because I have a diverse, rich life. I know that I had been sober and clean a few times in my life.

Throughout my life I had been, on and off, sober, high and drunk. And my longest year being sober in Eskasoni was when I was on dialysis. I was a dialysis patient with my stepfather. I know that I did home dialysis for couple years. It took 4 years, from 1995 to get a kidney. I know that I had good moments and a Shopping Spree with my family. I got to choose my own stuff. And I had my own place upstairs. I know that I was living the good life in Eskasoni as I tried to thrive on my own. In 1998 I got my first transplant kidney and became a Transplant kidney patient. I was seen by Dr. John Crocker and Dr.Hewlett and I had a tutor. A good life with the good life I had.

I know that when I was 14 years old I was the luckiest bastard in my hometown. I know that I struggled to get into good foods while I was on my own. But now I have a good life and I know that I want that vitality and energy.

I know that I wanted to get my full driver's license but my stepfather didn't want to train me. He found any excuse suitable for his actions. And I know that I want to have everything I need to live in Eskasoni on my own. I know that I could live here because I've been here for twelve years. I know that I want to stay long enough to get everything I need to live in Eskasoni. I know that I hadn't any luck in Eskasoni. But I want to drive to Sydney so that means I want to get my full driver's license and truck through a minimum wage job.

I know that I have family that love me and wanted to be part of my life. But I had the Morrison family in the youngest part of my life and helped out. They know me and I know them. Not truly but I could get my second kidney. I know that it's the closest ones that could be toxic. And some are and some aren't. I know that I was raised with love.

I know death thoughts and eschatology is something of an interest. I know that I love the fact that I have everything I need here. I could enjoy myself and live my life in a safe place. I know that I was learning to have faith even when I was slipping and falling. I know that ineed to reconcile my past. And work within my life to pursue my life goals. I know that I'm not that attractive and in that I am damned, poor and educated. I have a declining kidney, my first kidney. It last 21 years and I know that I want to have everything I need to live my life in Eskasoni or Sydney.

I have lived a addict's struggling life. And now I'm in a good place. People would wonder what psychic waste I would have in my time of deepest, divorced reality of an addict. I know that I was a child addict but stopped because of my biological mother. And I know that I was a teen addict because of Ray.

And I wasted my twenties in pursuing a poetry career, other jobs and driving skills. I got to have my educational accomplishments and Beginner’s license. I got to become an educated Virgo tradesman who is a Certified driver with a expired Beginner's license. Yes, that way I'm rich with a good life. I just need my physical muscular fitness. I know that I could get accustomed to working out at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I will keep going because I got all the support system from Mawita'mk Society, family and so many others.

I just need a case of weights like Berter, a back scratcher and God of War game. I know that I have a good Comfort Allowance but I want more than simply Comfort Allowance. I want a good pay and a good training. I know that this place is a pretty good group home with a charitable organization supporting it. I know that I have a warm, homey home.

It's an ideal place to look for work and get my second transplant kidney. I know that I want to get a lot in my time in We'koqma'q community. Eskasoni could wait and I know that they don't respect me in any shape or form. I never have domestic respect because they want to fight. I shouldn't let anyone in my apartment. If I do move back home. I know that I would be happy here where I could get a second transplant kidney.

Mawita'mk Society is not enough. They are a good place to live for disabled, lazy cock suckers but I know that I hadn't proven myself in anyone's eyes. Nobody has witness my hard work because they assume that I could take the heavy criticism. I know that it's a good place to rest and recuperate. But I know that I hadn't any good memories, in me having choices. Ni'kinen house is just a place where I cannot decide to live by myself. 

I know that I never had any choices in the beginning. I feel that I got strong-armed into this and couldn't really have solid, concrete successes. I couldn't really get my foundational independence educational accomplishments because Mawita'mk Society don't want me to graduate from Nova Scotia Graduated Driver's Licensing Program or Cape Breton University. That's what I feel and that the way I see people's thinking: holding me back.

I know people think that they are better than me because I don't have that actions to my words. Like I'm some vengeful nerd who wants to take his anger, frustration and pain out on the world. I know that I have been productive in my time because I've graduated, worked and did jobs that a lot of people aren't too proud of. I know people thought that they were better than me. 

It's not enough to want to connect but to be honest with what you've done in the present. And what you've done when I was here. It's not enough to give me the good life, I want to be able to thrive on my own. I want to be independent without anyone saying" be independent". I want to be able to go on my time. 

Here I think that they are judgmental and disrespectful of my choices, independence, freedom and personal liberty. I know that I don't have any friends here. I know that I've been through so much already here. It seems that they think that they are better than others.