God Damn Dead and Lonely

I never had any chances with romance all my life. I know that I don't get beauties but at least I am used of being alone. I never had any beauties interested in me. It's always something wrong with me, somebody holding me back. I know that I don't trust as easily as I would with women. Women are fickle with me. I know that they are superficial because I have to look a certain way. Dressed in a certain way. If they want they could pass on by. I have things to read, watch, I have family to talk to. I have music and radio listen to. I've been alone all my life.

Its my cousins who cannot live without women. My sisters cannot live without men. The brothers are mixed. Some don't want women because they are such a hassle. And I have brothers who are married or have girlfriend. I know that I'm not a relationship material because I don't want to look nice for some woman who isn't interested in me.

I don't court because courtship wasn't practiced in my life. I was forbidden to from bullies, fiends and addicts. I know that I don't fight for beauties. And I have too many enemies to consider love. I cannot fight them all. I don't admit defeat but I cannot train through fitness for battles. I know that I'm never real about courtship. I don't date online or through anyone because I know that I'm the bad choice. I know that there are a lot of reasons to stay in solitude. The world is in a Covid-19 pandemic, there are evil both in males and females. And the whole history of our world is so fucked up it seems I cannot breathe right.

Plus I cannot bring a woman in here because I don't have any Human rights as an adult. I know that I'm among the God damn dead and lonely. I know that I don't have any help in dating because I have dysfunctional friends who cheats and lie.

Oh yeah I have multiple disabilities that I cannot make any contribution to life. I'm stuck on dialysis and don't have any friends willing to help me. They never have with dating. I'm alone in all that and it's embarrassing to get help now. I know that I don't pay for anything but myself. I know that I don't have the right stuff for romance. Now it's just embarrassing to see love and romance.

I'm not a good human, I'm not a good protector, I'm not a good counselor, I'm not a good teacher, I'm not good at anything but writing. Even that is questionable. My stepfather was a Plumber by trade and he taught me a few things in my time. But being alone isn't that bad. It's being single and learning new more skills and knowledge. I know that now I'm stuck on dialysis, hoping for a second transplant kidney. Hopefully, I can get my full driver's license and BA degree.

I don't go out on any dates whatsoever. I'm alone, enjoying myself with Playstation 4 and hoping to get my second transplant kidney. I know that the hospitals are so backed up and with this Covid-19 cases I know that they are struggling to keep up. I feel that I don't get any respect or justice in my life because I would've been left alone long ago. But people have to come and they have to be nosy. I know that I'm happy how my life has turned out so far. But I feel that I could do more and get used of doing more. Hopefully, I can get my second transplant kidney and rest for a while.

Everyone is alone and I know that I want to get used of working, driving and cleaning after myself. I know that I want to move out of Mawita'mk Society because I know that alone I could do something with my time. As an adult at Mawita'mk Society I could work on things like a full driver's license.

As I live my single life I have the capacity to fart in my bedroom how I choose. And I could choose my TV shows, radio shows and movies. I get to have the parameter of my choices free and available to me as I please. I know that I got enemies in Eskasoni but it seems here I'm enrichen with quality of life. I know that women avoid me altogether because I'm a basket case. I know that women don't want me because I'm usually disabled, deprived, discriminated or disempowered. I know that I am enjoying myself because the cruelty of the world don't allow for relationships deficiencies.

I couldn't really get used of living in Eskasoni because so many wanted to fuck up my opportunities. I felt that I couldn't get groceries without somebody in my place. And I know that I was vulnerable in Eskasoni. Couldn't exercise and nourish right. Fitness and nutrition wasn't my life.

Nobody in Eskasoni wouldn't want to leave me alone. I know that I don't have the muscles to defend myself. I know that they are punk ass bitches who wouldn't fight a good fight. But I don't know anything about their fighting history and I know that I hadn't made mine. I feel that I have a good life here and I know that I'm glad how my life has turned out to be. 

I'm educated and trained tradesman who is a Certified driver with an expired Beginner's license. I know that I have a lot of good reasons for staying here. I could build a good life here with a full driver's license, job and NSCC Plumbing Certificate program.

I know that here I could hope for my second transplant kidney with friends and adopted family. I know that I could enjoy my Playstation consoles and Xbox 360. I know that I could get a HDMI adapter cords for my Playstation consoles and Xbox 360.

I know that I have good company here. I have good company, good food, good music and radio. I know that I could enjoy myself alone in my bedroom or with company. I know that I could talk about my future plans to an extent. 

And I know that I could get my Chaffeur license and Taxi driver's license. I know that I could enjoy my life in Eskasoni independently but nobody would leave me alone. I know that I'm not well received or either I would get laid like I don't have enough money.

But I would love to train like a boxer but using calisthenics and shadow boxing, and my equipment I have now. I know that I want to enjoy the physical vitality and vibrancy of my body. And have a good zest for physical muscular fitness. I want to enjoy my body where I have a good physical muscular fitness about me. I have plenty of good moments at Mawita'mk Society. I know that it isn't recorded at the beginning.

But I have the memories of warm, good food and a bunch of good outings with Mawita'mk Society. I know that I could enjoy my life with Mawita'mk Society but I also want to get my full driver's license. In order to do that I have to get my second transplant kidney. I know that if I could grow accustomed to Mawita'mk schedules and chores, I could get used of a work schedule and do the profession, driving and fitness. I know that if Darlene could make a small step schedule, doing chores around the house and taking care of personal business. If I could grow accustomed to that schedule, including fitness and treadmill and stationary bike. Maybe I could get used of living here happily and full of contentment, vibrancy and zest.

Maybe I could get in shape and get used of doing chores around the house like how Candice had it. I know that she believe in me and had a good positive impacts on me.
I know that with certain people I wouldn't mind doing chores for them. I wouldn't mind getting used of helping out with the house chores. I know that I am getting lazy and I don't want that. I have to take the opportunity as it comes. I know that Candice had it somehow where we swept the kitchen and livingroom. And did the dishes and took out the garbage. It would be a small list of things gradually growing. I know Connie doesn't have that memory here. I know that I liked how Candice had it.

I know that I'm relying on more of people these days to do chores for me. And to cook for me. I've been living on my own for 7 years and I never had any real opportunities to have a safe place like Mawita'mk Society. I know that I've never had any domestic respect of my independence and adulthood. I know that they never had any respect for me in Eskasoni.

I know that I wasn't allowed to defend myself or either there would be more against me. I know that I couldn't really get used of living in Eskasoni because I was mostly in therapy and healing. I had to work on forgiving and moving on. I wasn't happy because I had a racist step grandmother and a no good reason to have a house in the eyes of the Morrison. I know that I wasn't allowed to defend, to drive or thrive on my own in their eyes. Nobody wanted me thriving on my own that is why I was malnourished, diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and no opportunities in Eskasoni.

I was mostly in therapy, had appointments, work or homework. I never once had a break in my younger life. Throughout my life I was riddled with on and off addictions. And that was part of my intergenerational impacts because I couldn't really have any sobriety in Eskasoni.

I couldn't really be happily living in sobriety in Eskasoni, and thriving there like that because everyone there is an addict, fiend or bully. I couldn't really believe that I was going to be left alone in my own apartment. I had a gay rapist and I had bullies who wanted my failings. Who wanted to keep me down and beat me down and keep me there until I let it. They never really given any options for love, thriving soberly and happily. And to fully appreciate a good life there. I know that I enjoyed being alone there. I did not have any Internet, cable TV or homephone. I know that Chief and Council didn't promote healthy lives.

I couldn't really get my full driver's license or get my education. I couldn't really enjoy my own apartment or my own body. I couldn't do much in Eskasoni because at the beginning of my 7 years on a painful journey in Eskasoni, I was damned at the beginning. I was on my own for 7 years.

And throughout those 7 years I've been addicted, beaten left and right, I've gotten stolen from, I was outnumbered and damaged. I was growing malnourished and larcenies happened all the time. My door was always messed with or broken into. And I know that I was blame for other people's bad choices. I know that I never had an safe place. I never made any friends that would help out with dating, driving or work. I know that I'm extremely independent and on my own with all that.

Plus I was discriminated against by Chief and Council for having a house. I know that I could've built a good life there but Eskasoni has no respect for family houses. I know that I don't have any influence in Eskasoni because I've lost that house. And I know that I didn't have any enjoyments in Eskasoni because Eskasoni deindividuated, discriminated and disempowered me. 

Eskasoni was prejudiced and practicing favoritism. I couldn't really have a house all to myself. So many was talking about that house and that is forms of stratifications in discriminations. I did not have a smartphone and I did not have any respect for my life.