Building A Little Life

Staying here and building a little life here I could get used of living here. Building a career, having a milestone like getting my second transplant kidney and having my fitness. I know that I've gained weight over the winter and I know that I walk a lot during the spring. But I know that I'm not free to be an independent adult yet, I have talked about my issues of not having sex here. I know that I'm on Tinder and I know that I cannot bring a woman to my bedroom. But nothing that I say will change the rules and regulations of these people because I don't have any personal powers.

I know that I don't get much time to myself at times. And I know that I want to have freedom to talk about any subjects that I want. As a descendant of Indian Residential School survivors I have faced great opposition towards talking about sexual health.

I know that I enjoy reading in a way, I take great interest in DBT(Dialectal Behavioral Therapy) and CBT(Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). I hope that I could wake up for Mike MacInnis. I know that he is at 10:00 am and that I have a strong workethic. I know that I do things out of joy and I know that I want to be able to build a happy but good, healthy lifestyle with outdoor activities and indoor fitness.

I know that I don't attract that much ladies in my life. I know that I hope that Tinder can change all that. I know that I don't attract girls naturally. I'm the less of a choice because I had so much against me. But I still wake up every morning and continue to live my life. It has been twelve years since I got laid last. I know that I'm not really happy here. I want to move out of here because most people take advantage of their freedom. I know that I don't get the ladies.

I feel that I'm always trying to get laid but bullies hate on me. I know that I am less of a man because I couldn't build a good life in Eskasoni. I know that I couldn't really have any luxuries, freedoms or sex. I know that I used to have a woman in Eskasoni and it was only about sex. Socially I was cut off from my generation. And I know that is a form of Social Abuse. I know that I was hated and controlled through measures of behavioral techniques.

I know because I have disabilities I'm stuck here with Mawita'mk Staff putting in measures of controllability, prevention and barriers in my life for any sexual activities. I know that I'm stuck here because I'm on dialysis. I have no adult independence like some of these workers have. Building a little life is taking the sex out of the equation and having me sexlessly think of myself in terms of Mawita'mk Society.

I know that I cannot afford to live outside of Mawita'mk Society's care because I don't have any friends willing to help me out. I know that sexuality with Mawita'mk Society is a forbidden subject like the white priest. In religion it all had been about measures of controllability and prevention in an inhumane way. I know that I'm stuck where old people live and these people work at. I'm mostly stuck with certain people because I have no where to go. I have barriers, difficulties and missed opportunities. I know that I hadn't any sex in twelve years. Mawita'mk Society doesn't want health in a holistic way. They would've included sexual health too.

Building a life in a holistic way is building a good life experience in ways of healthy, regular sex. Social media networking, social strategies and coping skills. The whole health is a holistic thing that needs physical pleasures.

Socioeconomic resources and financial independence and self-support. I know that my resolve to move out of here has been weaken for the purpose of me being subsumed into We'koqma'q and Mawita'mk life. I am disadvantaged because my family don't want me thriving or living my life to the fullest extent. I know that I'm needing to work on my fitness for my lady. I hope that I could get a good momentum going with fitness and sex. I know that Rosie isn't that close-minded from a whole healthy sex and a good relationship.

I know that I've struggled with this concern and I know about body dysmorphic disorder. I know that my body isn't perfect and I know that there is body shaming. I know that I'm not chosen by young women but little older category. I know that I am on Tinder and I will meet anyone who is willing to go out with me. I know that I'm not that attractive.

It had been twelve years since I had any good woman. I feel that I don't have any blacklist contacts because my stepfather never really wanted to help out or my sisters. I know that I have been stuck here without a decent sex partner. And I know there have been measures of control put in place. But I don't think that Rosie is that close minded. I hope she isn't anyways. I hadn't been on any dating app since I was acknowledged as a nerd that has no blacklist contacts. I know that I'm studying everything about a relationship.

I hadn't been on any dating sites or apps because it cost. I know that I want a woman but that comes with a cost. I know that I am kind of good looking but I am in need of a woman. I hope that I could get a really nice woman. I could leave any time I want and I hope that I could bring a woman to Mawita'mk Society. I know that now I'm struggling.

And have been trying these dating sites and apps since I got my smartphone. I hope that I could get a woman for a long-term relationship. I know that in relationships you have the options to study all about it, read about it and types of love, relationships and quality of a relationship. I know that I could learn how to build an emotional safety for the woman I love by being non-judgmental, listening and making eye contact with her. I know that turning towards have a big impact. And I know that I need to work at my fitness for my transplant, for the lady I will be with and for more energy and vitality.

I know that I'm still on dialysis and getting tested again for my transplantation. I feel like I could enjoy a woman in my bedroom. I hope anyways. I hope that I could get a pretty young fine thing. Sharing my Facebook and Tinder on the Internet, I could enjoy myself with a pretty good woman.

I hope that I could anyways because I hadn't got laid in twelve years. I know that I could enjoy a good woman because I could enjoy her company, the intimacy and loving she provides. I just need one because I know that I'm not that attractive. Some ladies say that I'm handsome on my Facebook. I hope that I could get a good session of love-making and learning about a woman. I know that I'm happy where I'm at but I need a lady. I know that I don't have any blacklist contacts. I know that I wouldn't be cheating on my future wife. I know that I cannot afford to because I am not that attractive. No pretty woman came up and said let's do this. They ignored me since I was a teenager.

I know that no attractive woman wouldn't of came by because I had 19 years of loneliness. And a good amount of beatdowns, bullying, and other things I had to endure.

No! Ah I never had any pretty woman at my side at all. I had no teen romance and no romance in my twenties. Missed opportunities, defeats, difficulties, grief and losses, barriers and tragedies, traumas and failures. I still wake up to do something with my day. I know there was classism, elitism, favoritism, nepotism, intercultural racism through colourism, ableism and guilt through ageism. I still wake up to do something with my day. Yesterday was over and I know that I had to learn much as I can through books and eBooks. I know that I never had any help in trying to get my life together until I came to Mawita'mk Society.

I know that I love this place because there are outings, good food, good music, good company and good advises. I know that I have a bunch of reasons to stay here. They've helped out with everything I need to be considered thriving in We'koqma'q.

I've accomplished many things in my time in We'koqma'q. Before I did moved here I got my Mi'kmaw Lodge Treatment Center program Certificate and I felt some kind of pride with that. I've accomplished the program in Eskasoni and had to move out of Eskasoni to accomplish more. I know that I have gotten settled in and went to ALP program from NSCC Community College. I know that I went to a We'koqma'q community program from NSCC Strait Campus. And I know that I have been educated through NSCC Adult Learning Program or ALP. I know that I've enjoyed my time there.

I know that I hadn't build a little life in Eskasoni on my own because nobody wanted me thriving in ways of a full driver's license, car or job. I had to move because I had so many people held me back. But today was a good day, I got to cried a little about my Grammy and got to have a talking circle.

I know that I have love in my heart and through all that troubles, I still love and have a bunch of good reasons to live. I know that I'm not perfect but I know that I'm not lazy. I know that I have been learning about Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning, Dr. Tian Dayton's work called Trauma and Addiction and Dr. John Gottman books, The Relationship Cure and Man's Guide to Women. I know that I couldn't figure out how to provide for women. Unless I'm in a romantic monogamous relationship with someone I hope that I could learn much as I can with relationships, healthy coping skills and strategies.

I know that I have a lot of good influences, positive impacts and past good experiences. I know that my life isn't a total train wreck and I know that I'm happy where I'm at because I could get my second transplant kidney through fitness and tests.

Staying here to build a little life is a good thing. I know that I could pass couple of milestones in my life. One of them being a transplant kidney. I hope that I could lose weight through diet and walking, calisthenics and weight training. I know that I enjoy going out on outings with Mawita'mk Society and they feed me three times a day. Which nobody in Eskasoni would without a price, well my dysfunctional friends wouldn't anyways. 

I know that I'm learning from people like Dr. Philip Zimbardo, Dr. Tian Dayton, Dr. Marsha Linehan, Dr. Tara Bennett-Goleman, Dr. John Gottman and other doctors I enjoy. I know that I don't have any blacklist contacts so I make a good decent lover for a woman. And I'm learning from Doctors that could help me out with relationships, healthy coping skills and strategies. 

I care about this place and building a little life here is fantastic. I could workout until I can get my fitness going for my mind, my overall body health and wellness. And because I could look more attractive. I would be thr picture of healthy fitness. Accepting that I'm a bachelor and a descendant of Indian Residential School survivors. I know that I want to get a woman here and enjoy my life with a good chick by my side. Beauty is everywhere and I know that I want to enjoy much as I can. 

There is an unofferability in ways of not being able to save a relationship. I know that and in that I have to be patient, paying attention to my life and having faith in the abilities of others to solve it. I know these concrete facts where people don't want to solve their difficulties and differences. I know that I have a stepfather who is struggling with his marriage. And in that I hope for the best. Hypersexuality isn't an excuse for a stable, healthy relationship. The inconsolability of a loved one is difficult to witness or hear. But I know that things will be solved and settled.

If someone is hurt they want to destroy everything that made them the way they are. Broken-hearted always self-destruct in ways I don't like. I know that I'm inclined to fight for whatever is salvageable. I know that I'd used to specialize without knowledge, this area of interest. I know that my mother was inconsolable and I had difficulty in accepting that. I know that I wanted to console her and have everything fixed. 

My stepmother is inconsolable. And my stepfather never made any efforts to repair the relationship in any shape or form. He wanted that darkness for the family and wanted to use hypersexuality as a means of being justified. I know that there is temptations because heterosexuality is a hypersexuality. 

So building a little life where I can possibly have a sex partner is something I wouldn't mind. I know that I'm happy where I'm at because I could work on a few credentials, licenses, job and car. I know that I want to enjoy outings and everything else. But I want to thrive on my own because I wouldn't have to worry about rules and regulations.