Different Lives

Me and Darren have led different lives. I was deprived because I did not have anyone to rely on for getting my full driver's license. And he had everyone at his disposal. I don't have any respect for my own mind, he has full autonomy over his own full life. I was deprived of most things because, my stepfamily wanted controllability over my life. They've helped out with accepting this kind of barriers in my life. My stepfather never really wanted me to succeed because he wanted his daughters to live a better life than me. I'd tried to reason with him but he had unreasonable feelings. Especially when it came to dates, relationships and romance.

Living so free is such a miserable thing, it's a tragedy in Eskasoni. I cannot be left alone or have dates. I know that I never used Tinder for my dates before. And living so free means potentialities of abuses. I know that I was abused, traumatized and hurting in Eskasoni.

I never had any safety because I was a small guy. A lonely nerd who never had any chances at getting his own Playstation 4 console. I felt trapped and stuck in my life. Stagnancy, dependency and reliance on the dysfunctional community, friends and family? I know that I did not have any smartphone or anything back then because I did not have any job. I was turning 25 and getting a job but my stepfather held me back again. This time it was through medicine, injection and appointments. I know that I lost out on so much in my life. My stepfather didn't care nor my uncles because they did not want me to learn. Everyone of those motherfuckers wanted me held back academically, professionally, personally and physically.

Especially with driving and fitness. Toughness is the strengths to get through the thicket of things and make sure that I got the job done.

Throughout my life I always had to be tough and make the tough decisions. I know that I never had any sports like Basketball or baseball or hockey. I was always deprived academically and socially. I know that I did not have any opportunity to have my life together. I knew that I always got beaten up and cheated out of my youth. I know that I did not have any dates, relationships and romance. I know that I didn't got to drive at the age of 16 and I did not have any training for driving. I know that I want to work at my driving status and work status. I know that I had nothing to amount to anything. Fuck the world because I know it's cruel and strange.

I know that I did not have any opportunity in my twenties to work or drive. So, in my 30s I'm working on my full driver's license. 

Hopefully, I can get my full driver's license with enough driving practice with Rosie. I know that I did not have a full driver's license.
Now I have my sisters and Rosie for driving practice. I know that I had my friends Raf and Tyson. I know that I did not drive with my sister Katt. I know that I did not have any personal freedoms like a full driver's license like how some of my sisters had it. I am used of paying for groceries and other stuff. I just got to get my fistula and take a good shower.

I had to earn, prove and do everything on my own in front of my stepfather's eyes. I was fighting for my own independence and freedom. I wanted to have the driving status and work status. I wanted to make it on my own, not handed out to me. I had to do the job, earn the right to prove and than make my case. I did not have any smartphone back then or had driving privileges. I was behind in my earning to get my driving experience. I did not have a stepfather who wanted to train me because I wasn't his child. I wasn't spoiled with opportunities, I had to earn it.

Work abuses and work discriminations is what I'd suffered. I did not have that kind of respect with my stepfather. He wanted me to earn, prove and do everything without complaints or anything. I was deprived of my opportunities and he knew that. But now I have opportunities up the yin yang and I know that I could learn, practice and do what I need to with Rosie's approval, help and support. I did not convince her but I know that I didn't have any opportunities growing up because of nepotism, intercultural racism through colourism, ableism, classism, elitism, favoritism through friends and bosses, sexism based on misandry and guilt through ageism. And hypergamy.

I was left alone because I did not possess things that would make me look attractive. I know this because I did not have any chances or opportunities to build a good life in Eskasoni. Nobody cares for me in Eskasoni.

I know that I wanted to live in Eskasoni and thrive independently but I couldn't because I wasn't left alone. I wanted a girl in my life and I know that I did not have anything attractive. So I know that I cannot attract a woman into my life by looks, I have none and I know that intelligence isn't enough. Money? Yeah if it is a lot of money. I know that I have to get my fair shares here. I know that I did not get a woman down here. I know that I'm trying now because I did not have any Tinder app before.

I know this Covid-19 pandemic is happening. Yes I'm a bastard but at least I admit it. I have done wrongs in my younger life. Stupid things happened in my life but I know that I'm inglorious workaday kind of guy. I'm still hoping to get a payday in my life. And I hope that I could learn much about financing a good thing. I don't have the best of health but I do hope that I could get my second transplant kidney.

So that way I could get back on track with doing stuff. I could get that job at We'koqma'q Tim Hortons and hopefully, get training in Retail Council of Canada courses. And get that We'koqma'q Tim Hortons training and Retail Council of Canada credentials. I know that most of my missed opportunities where forced in ways. And in that I did not have any choices to get a date or a lover. I know that I did not have any opportunity because I don't have any jobs, no musical skills, no muscles or anything to that effect. I know that I don't have any respect or love.

But I know that I'm not calling it quits because of certain research is against me. But I know that I don't have any muscles but I am pretty knowledgeable. I could cope with certain feelings. And I know that I don't have any job or car but I could develop trust in other people.

I know that I'm nothing to the ladies but I could learn how to get along without them. I know that I'm still not happy with my current situation because I don't have any ladies. I know that I'm still looking but I don't have any means to communicate what I want. I know that I was raised to believe on my own faults and failures. I did not amount to anything at my age because I don't have that personal powers over my life. Or I don't know how to work them. Here I'm trapped where I cannot really explore anything on my own time.

I know that I have no reason to fight back because I don't have anyone at my side. I know that I've done wrongs and cannot make up for them. I know that I am unredeemable and I don't have any respect because of my deeds. I know that I cannot fight an uphill battle because I don't have any chances. Indian Residential School survivors' hypersexuality has impacted my life.

I am an tough sum of a bitch that learned to keep to myself at a young age. I know my own darken emotional sanity and I know that I'm still looking for a girl. Even though I had mistakes, wrongdoings and the unredeemable. Still I want a woman because I know that I could be tough enough for love. Ordinary love and ordinary life. I'm tough because I carry heavy regrets and suicidal thoughts. Nobody knows me and I know that I'm still that old soul that is tormented by his past.

I know that I'm no skilled fighter. I know that I'm not practiced, disciplined and experienced in martial arts or combat in general. I know that I don't get the beauties. I get nothing because I am not experienced in relationships. I don't want anyone crazy or depressed. I know that I've lived a rough life but everyone lives it time to time. I know that I'm still learning.

But I know that I had my fair shares of women and in that I know that I want to have a relationship that would work. I know there is forced missed opportunities and there is hateful people. Growing up in Eskasoni I've learned that there are people that would hate you for no reason. And there are people that are willing to love. I know that I'm still looking for a good woman. Someone that would give me that come-hither look and grant me love. I know that I'm nothing without a lover and in that I'm still looking.

I don't particularly excel at reading people on my own. But I know when people don't want me around. I feel like I never used Tinder or anything for my own dating experience. Now I am but no response. I know that I got enemies and they all want to see my downfall. I know that I don't have any respect or love from certain people. And I know that I'm still learning.

I should've lived a warrior's life, learning Karate, Judo, Boxing, Zombieproof Brazilian Juijitsu and Mixed Martial arts, and Tae Kwon Do. I know that these martial arts are in Nova Scotia, Cape Breton. I should've lived a soldier's life learning Defendo and Combato. I should've been experienced in victories and losses. I should've had my life together in Eskasoni. I always get put down for lack of courage. I cannot do this or that because I hadn't any sports during my teen development. I know that my stepfather deprived me of a lot of things. And I know that he doesn't want me to have privacy or integrity.

I did not have any good influences growing up. I know that my stepfather was a coach but he wouldn't get me into any sports. I know that my stepfather never really wanted me to try. He wanted me to be submissive and less defiant. I know that I was deprived.

I know that I did not have anyone's support or help in getting my full driver's license. My life I've lived was so poor I couldn't afford a smartphone on my own. I felt trapped in every sensible discriminations and favoritism. I know that I did not have any safety, routines or too many problems. I just wanted to be left alone but I couldn't even get that. I know that I tried to keep on living: my losses, barriers, difficulties, grief and mistreatments, addictions and discriminations, disempowerments and disabilities. My stepfather tore me down to the scintilla of my hopes and stripped me of my living rights. I had traumas so deep that I couldn't really have my life together.

My stepfather deprived me of everything and made himself look good. He should've been on top of my development instead creating detractions. And I know that he did not want me to grow accustomed to living a life.
He always wanted me trapped or stuck at home. Social abuses, work abuses, work discriminations, stereotypes and prejudice. I couldn't really enjoy my knowledge because of his detractions. He left me to my vices and devices. And focused on his work, coaching and therapy. I know that I did not have his attention so I would do these things.

I wanted vengeance and wanted so much independence. He wouldn't give me anything because I was the stepson who couldn't amount to anything. And I had to learn to take on addictions, discriminations, traumas, losses and grief, hurts and shames, social abuses and betrayals, detractions and humiliations, acts of attritions and hypersexuality, hypergamy and classism, elitism, favoritism, sexism based on misandry and guilt through ageism.

That's the direction my stepfather told me to take by neglect and malnourishment. I was held back in so many ways, deprived in so many ways and neglected in so many ways it wasn't funny to be me. It was just simply sadden. I had lost causes, was held back, hindered, deprived and intimidated. I was losing out on my life and couldn't really work, get training or have anything for myself. I was inconvenienced, I was trapped by ableism and guilt through ageism. I was always taken for granted. Sheltered from sports and having a life. 

But now with Mawita'mk Society's assistance and support system. I could get a bunch of good memories in We'koqma'q community programs, Retail Council of Canada courses, ISSA-CANADA Cleaning Management Institute Custodial Technician Training program, Judo Referee Specialization Certificate program and other courses throughout the years I stay here.