Tough Road to Recovery

Everyone here thinks that being tough is wrong. I don't believe it is because it's my own mind that I love. I rather protect it and keep being tough. Tough isn't carelessness but rather the right kind of stuff to survive hardships and difficulties. Being tough enough to withstand pains or suffering is strong. Toughness is something that everyone here don't want me to prepare for. It's like I don't have any self-control over my own mind and they taken everything that my upbringing has taught me. It's able to go through the difficulties and pains and still live on. Tough is accepting the roughness out of life and saying "please more".

I know that tough is going through fitness and enduring the pains and suffering of the multiple forms of exercises. I know that I have been tough enough to live in Eskasoni and keep waking up to do stuff. Hopefully, I can  be tough enough here to get my fitness.

Toughness is the strength to do what mind over matter can do. It's doing the things needed to work through the jobs that you don't want to. Toughness is not letting any feelings get in the way of the job and focus on the job using mindfulness techniques. I know that I don't try to develop trust in myself but rather develop trust in other people to get the job done. Throughout my life I felt I never amounted to anything. I know that I did not because I was held back. Being tough today is still doing what I need to to feel happy about myself. Everyone knows that I'm living here but I cannot stand not doing something. I get depressed and I need to push myself to do stuff. Hopefully everyone here understands that.

But the road to recovery is here. I have recovered but Reconciliation is still happening. I know that I'm an Indigenous descendant.

I am a descendant of Indian Residential School survivors and I have been tormented for many years over the years I've been in Eskasoni and Paq'tnkek. I know that I'm still a fully Eskasoni member because my Grammy Jessie Denny is from Eskasoni. I did not know that and I wanted to have a good connection to Eskasoni. What does recovery mean to me? 

It means I've recuperated from malnourishment, addictions and discriminations. It means that I've straighten my life out and got my life together. I have it together but it doesn't mean I cannot improve on it through Colleges, Universities or work and fitness. Accepting that I'm a bachelor I could learn a thing or two about loving myself and giving that love to others.

I know that I have a lot of good memories in We'koqma'q community. Growing personally and accustomed to the Good life. I always expect the worst and I know that was my life.

That was my life in Eskasoni and Paq'tnkek. I know that I did not have any safety. But I know that I was loved and cherished. I felt that I couldn't really enjoy my single life because I did wanted to move out of Eskasoni and live my life somewhere else. I know that I wanted to professionally explore my options. I wanted to be a Doctor of Civil Engineering. I am good with math and I know how to read. I feel that I had a bunch of good reasons to get this Doctorate.

But now I'll be lucky if I could get my hands on a BA degree. My grades are kind of juhnny. I feel that I had my life at Cape Breton University doing Bachelor of Arts program. But now I have to get my Certificates from two programs. One being NADACA Relapse Prevention program. And the other program I don't know. I just feel like I could do two programs. One doing this program and next month's program.

I know that my soul has been comforted by Mawita'mk Society. This is a group home where care, support and supervision happens here. I know that I have care for this place but I don't want to rely on Mawita'mk Society for my own cost of living. I know that Connie trained me in a good daily routine. I know that I wanted to go home but Mawita'mk Society is such a good community of people that I care for them. Here I am well fed and informed. Here I have safety, routines and duties. Here I have appointments, bingo work and TV bingo on Mondays.

I know that the road to recovery is here and in that I have kept myself occupied for twelve years at Mawita'mk Society. I know that I want to see a difference in hiring practices in the City of Sydney. And I want to enjoy my time with Mawita'mk Society. I know that yesterday I went to NADACA Relapse Prevention program and I'd learned a thing.

I know that I had a lot of terrible experience in Eskasoni. Dope and other things that I don't want to mention. I know that I was left to my devices and vices. I feel that I did not process anything and my stepfather's family wanted me to remember the good things. When I remembered the good things, I had to forgo my own healing process. I am older now and more experienced, I have a better sense of control over my own life. I know that it depends on how I can survive.

It's too late these people care for me. And I don't want them worrying about me while I move back in Eskasoni. I know that this group home is a homey place and cozy in the bedroom.

I know that I am going to work on certain Woodshop Workshop and NADACA Relapse Prevention program. And I know that I am going to get my Beginner's license again and start driving, I think. I know that I'm happy with all that and I know that I'm happy here.

I know that I've been resilient and hopeful, I know that I have been recovering from a lot. I could feel that I could've exercised and worked for my own muscles. I know that I've been put down many times and in that I know that I've taken my blows. I have the ego strength to walk it off and keep on working on myself. I know that I have the emotional maturity and ego strength to keep moving forward and keep working on myself through these books. I know that my emotional, mental and personal growth has been growing. Continued growing is something like lifelong learning. It doesn't stop because you've reached an emotional milestone. There are plenty of ways to grow.

I know that certain stepfamily thinks there is always a price. I don't like that attitude because they don't believe in integrity. I know that a lot of those people wanted me to consider a price. That means giving in.

I know my ability to stay calm. I know that no matter how hard they work at a price, my biological mother taught me to stand up for my integrity. I know that nobody wants me to have privacy because they believe in exposure. I don't have any respect or love because of these facts. I know that everyone has a price but I know that I won't be thinking of it. In this socioeconomic reality they believe everyone has a price. It has to be  neurochemically induced. This kind of inducement is caused by pills.

I know that my step aunt believes that everyone has a price. I have experienced the efforts to create temptations. I know that I was strong enough to stay away. My stepfather don't believe in my workethic and integrity, my stepfamily don't believe I've worked and I know that nobody wanted me to remember certain things. I know that my that I have some kind of privacy.

Even when I was an addict, discriminated and disempowered. I knew that I should stand my grounds and live with myself. Everyone knows that I was discriminated against in many ways. I have to say that I'm an addict because everyone would be able to say that I needed them. In my earlier childhood I was Hong Konging and learning concepts over the years that would make me seem smart. I knew that I was learning to live my life without addictions. I know that I did not have any safety because I had attracted the wrong crowd.

I've been on this road of recovery for twelve years. I know that I had a bunch of good memories. I went out on outings and trips, had cruises and family vacations. I've spent many Christmases in Chapel Island and Eskasoni. And had a lot of good memories in We'koqma'q community. But I know that I love Mawita'mk Society.

A bully is someone who harms and intimidates the vulnerable. I know that I was vulnerable in Eskasoni and I couldn't really enjoy myself with that lady. Epistemologically I was learning about trauma through intergenerational issues and reactions. The impacts of Indian Residential School survivors' hypersexuality has been my torment since I've discovered it. It was nothing but a gamut of addictions that would've destroyed the family. But my stepmother had different raising techniques and I know that I am thankful for all that.

She knew how to enjoy 70s rock music. I know that I hated the fact that I was forbidden by access codes. I couldn't really learn computer the way I wanted to, and I know that I was trapped by people's knowledge. I did not have the techie skills for thwarting my parents. But the other kids had access codes.

Usually I do a good session of work out when I cannot go out for a good walk. But I could go for a good walk today and do a good session of exercises. I know that I have the luxury of a tub, washer and dryer here, and support staff if I need them. I feel like I have a good support system and a good group home. But honestly I want to live by myself and keep working on getting my full driver's license, driving experience in and a good few credentials hanging on my wall. I know that I'm happy that I got to go to NADACA Relapse Prevention program last Thursday. And I know that I want to go to the Wood Workshop.

I feel enrichen in ways of having a rich educational accomplishments in my time. I know that I want to earn, prove and do community colleges, community and online and University programs. I know that I want to take every opportunity to graduate.

I know that I've been on this recovery journey for a good while. Earning, proving and doing work, personal life and fitness. I know that I want to do everything I can to earn some money in ways of NSCC Labor and Advanced Education business. I know that Nova Scotia Apprenticeship Agency has disabled workers in the field. Yes, I've accomplished educationally but not at the right ages. I know that I wasn't given the proper chances I should've had while I was being taken advantage of by my stepfather. Who did not wanted to explore my hatred for their hypersexuality that they have brought with them.

I know that I was learning the Darken world of addictions and discriminations, disempowerments and disabilities. I know that I did lived something of a rich life but I did not have sports, anything to keep me from doing what I needed to do.

What I needed to do to get off that path. I know that I did not get laid in my teen years, but in my twenties I had my fair shares of women. Not on Tinder which would've been something good. I know that I was learning my options but everyone seem to not teach me my options. I know that I did not have any options I wanted. I wasn't taught properly, alot of research and guidance from Mike MacInnis. I know that I did not have my stepfather's favor like some of the basket ball players. Or whoever he has coached. I know that I did not have that kind of luxury or luck. I was always left to my own devices and vices.

Nobody wanted me to understand the professional language or what to do with groceries. I don't have the resources to get what I need to have the proper family income. I just think of myself and don't have any ability to convincibly lie. I know that I don't have any rights to my own mind.

He deprived me pretty much of my rights to feel like I had emotional freedom and emotional intelligence. But I know that I don't want any misconceptions or misapprehension about me. I know that I never had any good women like my cousins or friends. Everyone that could help me out in that department is dysfunctional. I know that I never used violence to my advantage. And I don't think I will because of the many reasons that it brings with trauma. My stepfather deprived me of any fighting advantage. But I know that I am not going to move back to Eskasoni because they don't believe in a group home. I don't think they do because I don't think they have one. They have a nursing home but no group home.

This group home doesn't discriminate against me. This group home will eventually help me get my driving practice in and help me with my Beginner's license.

I'm living with Mawita'mk Society's care and outings. And living with their home services and cooking. I have three meals a day, snacks and fitness equipments. I have pastimes like my smartphone(Netflix, Kindle and Audible, YouTube Music app, radio apps and YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc). And I have my Playstation 4 console, Playstation 2 gaming system and Xbox 360 gaming system. My computer and laptop to use. I have every opportunity granted to me with family's and Mawita'mk Society's approvals. It sucks that I'm not living on my own but this could work for now.

I know that I have to work on my full driver's license goal and get practice in with driving. And hopefully, use the back roads and use my knowledge of it to work it through my daily routine. I hope that I could have my own car and job. I know that I was deprived of most opportunities but this is a good place.